What comes next? Chapter 2, Part 2.

Hey Dreamergirl! Here as requested, and I apologize for the delay. :]

Now, first and foremost, you may or may not be aware that I am a tough reviewer of all things romance, because making it cheesy at some point in time is virtually inevitable, but take out the cheeseball moments and people are often left with a pretty darn good novel. So my calling you out on said cheeseball-iness is just my friendly little nudge in the right direction. Cool? Cool.

Corrections and comments will be double-bracketed or after the paragraph.

"A lot of people ask me, “Do you believe in love at first sight?” [[This is what I call a middle-school essay intro. It does nothing to pull you in, set the scene, or strike a tone. Not only that, but it's stiff. It doesn't feel natural. Unless you are some sort of relationship guru, you are not going to be asked if you believe in love at first sight anymore than the next person, so why start it this way?]] My immediate spontaneous [[get rid of spontaneous]] reply after weighing all the legit [[get rid of legit]] reasons was “No, I don’t[[."]] I mean[[,]] seriously[[,]] that is the most impractical thing one could think of. How could you fall for someone at first glance? How could you just give your heart away? If I had to list these things down it would be in the following way[[. or :]] First of all, I thought that in order to love someone, you had to get to know her; it was not just simple to love. [[Valid statement, but cheeseball in the way it's presented]] Then of course, like most couples, you had to be hanging out as "just friends" until you felt something special for each other. Lack of experience I have, never having had a "more than just friend" before... Still, I sort of had an idea of what actual love would seem like. But then, [[some things]] just wouldn’t be called a belief if there was nothing contradicting it."

Okay, so I'm not a big fan of this as a first paragraph, and my advice would be to nix it completely, but if you are opposed, then I've made a few corrections. The reason I don't like this is the reason that I don't like the first sentence - it reads like an essay, and not a particularly strong one. Transitioning into the story from here doesn't ever really feel natural and fails to really spark the reader's interest. You've got some promising concepts that you're toying with here, but be patient in relaying them...after all, you have an entire novel to get these things across in a more natural way.

"We drew so close in just a matter of moments; I didn’t even have the time to blink. He consumed me; infinitely. All I could do was just staying there watching him - powerless."

Again, it's cheeseball. And while you have a right to make this thing a little sappy, this is over-the-top in a way that makes it difficult for the reader to even relate. It's kind of like seeing a nauseating romantic back-and-forth on Facebook between two people who are dating and thinking, "TMI, get a room, and get out of my face." We can fall in love with that relationship, but not if you push it too quickly, too dramatically, or with too much force. Subtlety is key.

"You could walk all around the world, covering the entire circumference of this [[spherical]] planet on which we all live and still return empty[[-]]handed. You can’t just pick things that aren’t yours. [[What do you mean?]] To me, life is like a puzzle – where you can try and put together all at the same time or you could just begin by building up the edges. But to do that, you need to what goes where. The problem isn’t the fact that you know too much, it’s when you see a lot. You can practically imagine the whole of it right in front of your eyes. It might seem insane at first, but that’s how it is. You see the worse and begin to fear , trying to ignore everything around you. You can’t take away the bad from the good just like the way you can’t take away music from words, that’s how it is. That’s the way it goes."

I feel like you went off on a bit of a tangent here and danced around what you wanted to say. Like, I see you getting there...but you never quite make it. And you jump, from one tired concept to the next (puzzle pieces, Juliet, etc.) throughout this paragraph and the ones that follow. Stick with a unique, cohesive idea and work from there, making it intertwine not only through the entire chapter, but through the entire story.

You jump from first-person to second-person as well...oops! Be sure to make up your mind on how to narrate.



So, here's the dilemma - and honestly, it is the single consistent dilemma that exists - it is oozing angst. And to some extent, that's okay. It's romance. Romance is wraught with angst.
But.
It is also your job as the writer to portray it in a more genuine and comprehensible way. Approach this in a more subtle fashion, and I think you'll find that your success increases substantially. Also be sure to increase character depth, expound upon the nuances of their relationship, and give us a better glimpse of who they are as individuals. We can't care about the couple if we don't care about the two involved. Though this may exist in the previous chapters, there really shouldn't be a point in which you take too many steps back from that; keep us locked on the individuals.

With all of this being said, I will still tell you that this is by no means as bad as I may have made it sound. This is actually a pretty promising start and it has miles of potential. Just make sure to really capture the authenticity of the emotions, and to explore them not only as a couple in love, but as a pair of people with their own thoughts, theories, and concepts. Don't let the overarching idea of love wring them out and leave them completely and utterly void of any more interesting qualities. Bring them to life.

If you have any questions or ever want another review, don't hesitate to ask. Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx

Let's get down to business, shall we?

If I had to list these things down it would be in the following way First of all, I thought that in order to love someone, you had to get to know her; it was not just simple to love.

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I’m not any sort of a Juliet who people would write sonnets about, or any Disney Princess whose films would be watched repeatedly over and over again. Not any sort of superhero either, but it’s easier to put it this way – I’ve handled much more than I thought I ever would and I guess I haven’t done that bad of a job after all. Some battles you’ve just got to loose, that’s how you triumph the wars.

This was a nice piece. It's beautifully written and i could connect to it the way I could to your previous writing. This is actually a different way of telling a story. First thing you did not describe Natalie and Drake's appearance, attitude etc. You did not mention how and how they met, what was Drake's response to the letter etc. I personally like stories that have detailed description. This story seemed a little vague and incomplete in terms of descriptions. But I like the way you have expressed the girl's feelings and emotions. That is the best part of this story.

There are some mistakes I will like to point out.

"If I had to list these things down it would be in the following way First of all,"

You forgot to give a full stop.

" All I could do was just staying there watching him - powerless"

This sentence seems a little out of place. It should have been: "All I could do was stay there watching him - powerless"

"It took her a lot of time you think before striking of the anonymous and placing her name over there, but she did it."

The whole story is written in first person except this part.

Now my favourite parts.

"Some battles you’ve just got to loose, that’s how you triumph the wars."

I love this line. It have a beautiful poetic quality.

"But there’s this something that I just have to say and I can’t help smiling while saying this, but the thing is – I love you. And I wish if I read these words backward; they would come true."

These lines are great.

"Although I couldn’t define it in in my shades of reality, I always used to wonder how love perceived other’s, how it’s cumbersome illusions influenced people and then I realized; I could understand it perfectly. Often in our mere existence on this planet, we witness various events occurring in people’s lives and we try to modify them, their attitude, including their responses in those events, we do what humans are extremely able at; we judge them . What we fail to understand is; the rules that we create for others never manage to imply for us as well. Myself, had continually develop a perception quite similar to the situation; a perception that lead to cracks on the grounds beneath my feet."

The ending is just fabulous. This paragraph summarizes your perspective of love and it is beautifully written.

Your writing has a poetic quality which is admirable. You just need to work on the details and descriptions to make the story more complete. Otherwise this was really great and I enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!