Published December 1, 2012
Bits of us in everything.
Life everywhere; it's like we dwell in them.
You and me,
Those twinkling lights and their burning colours,
Wispy tones of the skies that lead,
Among those beautiful things, lie you and me.
Raindrops sliding across,
Butterflies in and outside,
Rhythms that illuminate,
Dreams of today and tomorrow.
As you wake from you're slumber,
I hope these memories last forever,
Maybe, just maybe, we'd last a bit longer,
Just like this endless night.
Of objects that reflect, and shadows that dismay
I hope and pray that you would stay
Those smiles and tears that I recollect,
Traces that we have accidentally left.
My eyes are locked in place
Looking at nature's canvas,
Vibrant colours change to dull,
As season's pass,
Springs shyly appears
It's time to start new,
I remember how we did this; me and you.
Warmth of summer wraps around me,
Kissing the earth beneath,
Just like the heat we shared.
Chills go down my spine,
Fall has finally arrived.
Looking into this glass window pane,
Time does not matter anymore.
As I sit there smiling,
Realization strikes me heavily,
I witness us in all that came, and all that willl ever go by.
Our love remains unconquered.
As we leave bits of us everywhere.
For memories that lats longer than faith,
I see us in all good things, some of them;
might even be great.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Memories might betray time, but my love will never betray you. xx
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Hello there Dreamergirl! I, Murtle, usually known as Kyllorac, will be reviewing you today, on this very fine Review Day.
With that said, onto the review!
The first thing I noticed was how "Bits of us in everything." was indented when no other lines of the poem were. It got me wondering whether that first line was really a first line, or whether it was really just the title. If it is just the title, it might be best to just delete it entirely. You already have the title nice and big at the top of the page, and so having the title at the top of the text of your piece is a bit redundant (and confusing).
Who/what is "them"? This is quite unclear, which makes this line confusing, especially since the next few lines don't seem to explain who/what "them" is.
The punctuation also strikes me as being a bit off in places. For instance:
The comma after "lead" doesn't make any sense, and at first, I wondered if you'd misspelled a word. I'm still not sure you didn't. The semicolon (which is misused, as are pretty much all the semicolons in this piece, but more on that later) doesn't help matters either with how it breaks up the train of thought even further.
Basically, right now, the punctuation in this poem hurts this piece far more than it helps it.
Going back to semicolons, you use a lot of semicolons, and for no apparent reason except that maybe they look pretty? Semicolons are a rather tricky piece of punctuation to use right, but that's a good reason why they should be used rarely. In general, semicolons have two purposes: to connect two independent clauses (or sentences) together so that they're more clearly related, or to separate items in a commaed list. As far as I can see, most of your semicolons do not serve either purpose, and so they are misused.
I strongly recommend that you strip out the semicolons until you know how to use them properly, and even then, use them sparingly. Semicolons lose their effectiveness when overused, even correctly, just like any other part of language.
Stripping out the unnecessary semicolons would go a long way in improving this poem.
Thankyou for the review, I'll keep in mind all the places where there are
any further repraminds in the puctuation.
This is the first time ever I've written a poem, so I think a few errors were ought to be there.
The title of the poem is kept by keeping in mind the gist of the poem. I personally don't believe that I need to take a line from the poem.
Anyways, thankyou.
Hi there! I'm going to review your poem if you don't mind!
I'll start by inserting my personal critiques into each individual part of the poem, and then I'll give you my overall impressions.
Who or what is "them"? If you mean the lights you talk about later on, then you need to mention it directly after.
"Skies that lead" is a bit confusing to me. Think about what you are trying to say here, and consider rewording. The rest of this stanza, however, is very well done, so good job!
Sliding across what, exactly? It seems to me you have several images that you have begun well but haven't entirely finished, leaving them somewhat confusing to the reader. Try reading this through one more time to see if anything else needs changed.
in and outside of...? Same point as before.
Grammar problems here. "You're" should be "your" and you misspelled slumber. Just a small fix there
I like how it turns back around to continue to speak directly to this other person. It gives a nice break from the description (good description, though!)
hmm, watch rhythm here, especially on the last line of this stanza. Also, I think your rhyming is getting inconsistent. Look back at the other stanzas and make sure it's staying the same throughout.
I have to admit, this stanza confuses me slightly. Also, there's a few grammar errors: "natures" should be "nature's", "season's" doesn't need an apostrophe, and I believe the semicolon could just be a comma. Back to what I was saying, though: go back through this stanza, look for places that clarity could be improved. I am unsure what your idea is supposed to be here.
Okay, after reading this and then going back and reading the previous stanza, the second half makes slightly more sense. Still, my previous suggestion still stands.
About this stanza specifically: The 3rd and 4th lines...I don't understand how they're supposed to connect. What I might suggest doing is extending the description of the summer and then having the transition to fall as a separate stanza. It seems rushed, in my opinion. You could draw out each individual moment and bring in more emotion.
Hmm....an interesting conclusion to this poem, but I don't get this sense of closure that I want to in this type of poem. Because you skip forward(yes?) in time, it gives me a feeling of it being disjointed towards the end.
I like the feeling of reflection and happiness, but something about it just feels unfinished. What exactly is realized? All of what you describe after that seems like it was already known, but they are just being reflected upon. (Also, check out line 5: spelling error, but also very wordy.) The semicolon in the second-to-last line is not necessary.
OVERALL:
This is a good idea, with good execution. However, I think it has the potential to be better with a few changes. Watch your rhyme and rhythm, they are disrupted and inconsistent in a few places.
Thanks for the enjoyable read. If you have any questions about this review, feel free to PM me.
Keep writing!
~Devan
I really like some of the concepts you have, but I do have problem with the structuring of the lines and sentences. There were places where it felt a little stilted or lack-rhythm, and I think that's partly due to the fact that you use a lot of sentence fragments throughout.
Which brings me to my next piece of advise - DON'T USE SENTENCE FRAGMENTS!!! :] It makes the thought seem incomplete, even if you complete it later in the poem, so be sure that each sentence is, in fact, a sentence. I feel like you've got so many emotions running through this, that you're just plucking out and playing well, but they need cohesion.
That being said, this really is a nice poem with some beautiful imagery. The concept is stellar and you portray it so well.
Keep writing.
StoryWeaver
Thankyou for the feedback.
I'll keep this in mind.