Chapter 2 part 1 the past
6 years ago
“Audre!” linda yelled from the kitchen
“Yes, mom!” I replied
“Go get the door I’m sure it’s the new neighbors”
“Alright” I said getting up from the couch and walking over to the door. When I got there I opened it hoping to see the new neighbors, but it wasn’t them. I screamed as the man tackled me struggling as he picked me up and started to carry me out the door when my mom saw what was happening she grabbed the closest thing, which was a burning hot pan and hit the guy in the head with it the man dropped me and my mother told me “run and don’t look back!” I did as she said but couldn’t help it I stopped a few feet away and watched as my mother was killed. A tear left my eye and the man started to walk over to where I was. When he picked me up. I screamed
“let go!” and squirmed hoping to make him drop me but it didn’t work I was about to give up when a boy jumped out of the forest and punched the man in the stomach sending him flying across the yard into a pole, and me flying In the air. I wanted to scream, I was falling to my death after all. But I couldn’t so I fell. Right before hitting the ground I was caught by the same boy who then asked “are you ok?”
I didn’t speak I just stared at him this freakishly strong boy with blond hair and blue eyes.
“Hey you can hear me right?” he asked
I nodded, and he smiled with the most beautiful smile before saying “Can I ask your name?”
I nodded again before saying “Audre”
“Pretty, I’m Lucas”
I blushed at his comment and his name rang in my head
“We better call the police” Lucas said putting me down on the ground and pulling out a phone and calmly talking to the police right up the street”
Soon the road had three or for cop cars flashing and making noise the first one there being a police officer and all ran up to me and Lucas and asked “Are you alright kid?”
I didn’t respond I just hid behind Lucas.
Lucas allowed me to hide behind him and responded for me “she has no injures, it seemed the man hadn’t wanted to harm her”
“I see thank you” the man responded
Audre lets go well have to get a hotel or something” the man responded
I didn’t budge I just stayed behind Lucas which annoyed the man who came over and grabbed my hand attempting to pull me away from Lucas but I refused to let go of him.
“Audre enough, we have to go”
“Sir, If Audre want she can stay at my house.”
“No she can’t” the man responded
“Sir, why not she seems to be afraid of you.”
“Because she’s my responsibility now that her mother’s dead.”
“sir I don’t want her going with you because she’s my sister.”
“ya right because I’m her father”
“no you’re not, because she lived with her mother”
"kid its called devorce"
"no, its called Mr.Cornel!" lucas yelled to a man who turned around and started walking twords us.
"lucas what are you doing here?" the man asked
"protecting Audre"
"from what the guy who attacked her?"
"that and this man who is lying about being her father"
"well then officer your under arrest for attemted kidnapping. you have the right to remain silent and anything you say can and will be used against you."
"youre going to belive a kid?"
"ya hes a boy who never lies ad trust me if he says youre not her father then youre not."
they walked away and oficer cornal put the imposter in the car before waveing at us and leaveing.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there, Dreamer! Welcome to YWS. Happy review day for you have been lucky enough to fall prey to my reviewing antics. (Seven more after this and I review twenty things!)
You say this is chapter 2, part 1. This sounds more like chapter 1, part 1.
You are suppose to begin every sentence with a capitalized letter. The exception to this rule takes place in dialogue. Example:
Here are some smaller nitpicks. The mistakes are fixed in bold.
Spoiler
Technically, Lucas did lie by saying she's his sister. He didn't even know her name before catching her! What kind of brother doesn't know his sister's name?!
Audre did a horrible job at listening to her mother. Her mother says run, Audre runs for a couple seconds and then stops to watch her mom get killed. I don't care how much you love your mother, if she says run, then you run like your life depends on it.
Even if the guy was her father, he can't just take her away from a crime scene. It's against the law! You would think he knows this since he's an officer.
~lost
Thanks, and you're right it is chapter 1.I need to change the title. The police officer wasn't her father, he will be in the next chapter and the reason he tried to kidnap her is well...."A Secret"
This was a good try at writing! I'm just gonna point out some mistakes.
'"Audre!" linda yelled from the kitchen <--- period there and capitalize the l Linda. Names are always capitalized.
'"Yes, mom!(Probably instead put a question mark, not an exclamation point)" I replied <--- (another period)
Most of your sentences don't have any periods, which they must have for people to really understand what you are saying.
'I screamed as the man tackled me struggling as he picked me up and started to carry me out the door when my mom saw what was happening she grabbed the closest thing, which was a burning hot pan and hit the guy in the head with it the man dropped me and my mother told me “run and don’t look back!”'
This should be:
I screamed as the man tackled me. I struggled as he picked me up and started to carry me out the door. When my mom saw what was happening, she grabbed the closest thing, which was a burning hot pan, and hit the guy in the head with it. The man dropped me and my mother shouted, "Run and don't look back!"
There are many more problems like this and I hope retyping that will show you what you need to change.
But the story was over all interesting and it kept my attention.
Bye!
~BookWolf
Placing periods after dialogue are my biggest problem. And thanks for the review