Sick Day.
It always seems fun
No school, no work
All play.
Sick Day.
Never what it appears to be
Sitting around with reruns and sleep
We only want to break away.
Sick Day.
Felt like a waste
Nothing got done, nothing was changed
There's no reason to stay this way.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
First thing i thought when i read this is FUN haha, i like this poem because it seems like you were having some fun with it and i think its great that you bring out the fact that eventhough peotry is serious there is fun side to it that can just maybe make someone laugh or bring a smile to someones face and that is really important. Well done, great poem:)
-Niko
I must agree with Jojo on the showing, not telling critique. You don't give any clear imagery, and though you somewhat give examples of feeling, most of it is pretty unrelatable. This could be because of your continued use of short, very generic adjectives, especially in the first paragraph. I need to be able to see what you're talking about; take a shot at describing the blankets on your bed, perhaps as an "ignited ocean of sheets." This would really make the reader able to see more of what you're talking about. The ideas you give us are good ones, but you do not expand on them, and instead jump straight into the next one. This, I might add, is a little disorienting for the reader. Try taking one idea and expanding it to the absolute best of your abilities. Think of the many ideas in here as balloons. See how big you can blow them up. A pile of deflated balloons are rarely as big as just one inflated one. Just keep that in mind (and make sure not to pop them
)
Here are a few more specific critiques:
1. You use the word "seem" WAY too much.
2. Get rid of the "sick days" before each stanza. It really just mitigates the feeling.
3. (Extremely nit-picky, sorry) The second "nothing" in the penultimate line should be lowercased.
I definitely hope this review was useful!
-Kafka
Hello, I'm Jojo.
And i shall be your reviewer as of the moment.
Grammar is in #BF4000 ">red.
Others are in #0000FF ">blue.
*Continually repeating Sick Day is all good if it helps, but it doesn't really help the poem, and , truthfully- it would sound a whole low smoother if you just jumped into the next stanza.
Overall, I like this, but it is waay to short . There isn't enough room to expand, so I suggest you make it longer, add more feeling, and try showing-not telling.
( sorry, I know I seem harsh)
Keep writing!
-------------------------------
-jojo.