On the Inside

True, this follows general cliche in it's subject manner, but that's OK, inventing a whole new story, new aspect of life is difficult for even accomplished authors. So keep to this area which you are obviously confident in, but use more challenging metaphor and simile to make it that much more individual. And the switch from sad to happy without explanation is a little odd, a mention of the how would be useful.

First Id like to say that there are a lot of pieces out there like this. Sort of "poor little rich girl" pieces that try and make the reader feel sorry for someone who appears very perfect.
The main problem I have with this piece is that I feel no sympathy for the character at all. It sounds like this girl is just feeling sorry for herself and comes off sounding sulky and whiny in the process. Also it kind of kindles ideas of the beautiful yet tortured princess needing a strong white knight to come and rescue her. Was this your intention?
The structure of the poem is very good and solid. It is also straightforward 4 stanza structure (except for the last stanza, which is five) You might want to consider experimenting a little more in structure. Also I believe the line

All her gray skies had become blue

I enjoyed reading this poem, I realy liked it. For me it flowed perfectly, One of my favourite here on YWS,
I adore the ending
I could feel all the emotions.
Overall a great piece
Ikafe

DreamWriter99 wrote:There is a girl who is always great
Her face always has a smile
Her hair always look gorgeous
She also has the cutest styles

Everyone abselutelyabsolutelyloves her
Because she is so kindthis line is a bit too sudden. It's like a closed sentence. Perhaps change it?
She always knows what to say
Everything she did she always shinedyou've switched tenses from present to past here.

But inside this girl
You'll see she's actually dying
Sometimes she even breaks down
Sometimes she's tired of tryingI like this line!

You may think that she's fine
But that's on the outside
Inside she can't take it
Inside you'll be suprised

Her life was hardHer life is hard would be present, which is the majority of your writing apart from the few switched tenses.
Because nobody knows what she seesYou've switched tenses again! From past to present.
She needs help
But she can't ever find what she needs

She hides it because nobody cared
She puts on a show that she's perfect
But she herself can not believe it
That you believe she has no defect

But someday that will all be gone
She'll find someone that does need her too
Oh,how happy he made her!This is a bit confusing. You said someday she'll find someone, then you said oh how happy the guy makes her...?
All her gray skies had became blue

He understands her like nobody did
He made her truly aliveSwitched tenses again!!!
Now, for the first time,
She can actually live her life.
Inside and outside.

Great ending. You just need to work on keeping all your tenses the same. It's a hard thing to do, I know, but you'll get there


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I really like this one. And it actually seems to work out pretty great when I re-read it. I hope you enjoy it too, ^_^