Young Writers Society

Hi DreamWork!
I think that you had a very good concept, but I do have a couple suggestions. I agree with Autumns that in the second line you should choose only merely because I too think it is repetive and using just one of the words would really improve your poem, but will still allow to create a great poem. Also on the third line when you say "We wandering" I'm not exactly sure if you meant we are wandering or if it was suppose to be wondering and you just mistyped because I know I tend to mistype sometimes. I also think when you say "Is only the breath of life" you should add a word between is and breath to make it sound a little more complete like maybe it. Then the line "hope and dream" doesn't make much sense to me. I'm not sure if your tring to say we hope and dream or something like hopes and dreams, so I would suggest adjusting that line to create more clarity in the poem. These are the only things I can really find wrong because it was a very good poem. The title really captured my attention and it was really interesting. Your first line is amazing and I mean it! It's works so perfectly to capture the readers attention and make them want more. So good work and I hope you find my suggestions helpful.

Hey there DreamWork! Here's what I think :

Firstly, some corrections and suggestions related to the syntax of the poem :

In the second line, I find the simultaneous use of 'just' and 'merely' repetitive. I'd suggest you drop any one of them, that is, either use just or merely, because both of them convey the same sense.

The lines following the second one have some grammatical errors :

- We wandering : Do you mean, We are wandering?

- ..where is exactly the direction that we see : Do you mean, In what direction are we looking?

- Or simply drifting with the clock ticking with a battery? : I get what you're trying to say, but work on this line. It sounds a little awkward.

- The last four lines : Again, I DO get what you're trying to say, but make it less vague, fix the grammar.

- Is only the breath of life : This sounds incomplete, especially because there's nothing before is.

- Heart beat : Heartbeat is a single word, so, lose the space in between Heart and beat.

- Hope and dream : Doesn't sound right, you can use a hope and a dream or hopes and dreams

Enough corrections. Have I told you what my favorite line was?

Is not life a victory?

Hi, DreamWork!

I liked this a lot. The first lines

"Is not life a victory?
Or is it just merely a curse?

really drew me in. It's a powerful opening statement.

However, the next three lines are quite difficult to move through. Some grammar and wording is off. It just doesn't flow, so I would consider reworking it, and if you do let me know, because I would be happy to look it over again!

I love the last four lines. Also very powerful.

Keep being awesome!
Kendastic

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Hiya, Dream!

What I liked about this poem is that the subject matter is something relatable, I mean everyone reading this poem is living... lol. Okay, that sounds weird, but basically what I'm trying to get at is questioning life is something that everyone tends to do, and that's because there is no real answer. So expressing that in your poetry is something that most people will find interesting to read. I also like your use of rhetorical questions, as it's something not often used in poetry.

Is not life a victory?
Or is it just merely a curse?

We wandering, where is exactly the direction that we see?
Or simply drifting with the clock ticking with a battery?