Drakenor: Book 1
Prologue: "At the end of the universe there was a star much bigger than others. It wasn't just big. It was enormous. The star was not barren; it was lush with vegetation and water. But, it also housed... the world of the dragons! Dragons of all shapes and colors soared through the sky each happy day.
The dragons were all very big, but regarded themselves as tiny compared to the world they lived in. Apart from the dragons, there were other fearsome creatures. These creatures battled for survival in their big world. They all had many types of homes.
The dragons lived in caves and high cliffs. Birds were always migrating and attacking others out of their home. Other strange creatures lived underground or in the water. The star was 2 billion years old, but already billions of creatures were living on it. But the peace was not long to last.
Soon great volcanoes sprouted out of nowhere and sent showers of meteor sized rocks soaring everywhere. The volcanoes caused terrifying earthquakes that shook the earth as if it were a rag doll. Tornadoes formed, destroying cliff after cliff and killing creature after creature. Tsunamis and Typhoons washed sea creatures to land, where they died of suffocation or were eaten by land predators. Some creatures who survived the tornadoes got special powers. By special powers I mean they changed. Most animals hid underground or used their abilities to be safe while others were utterly destroyed. I don't know what these abilities were because they were used very secretly. The Dragons had a secret home where they had once lived, and now they journeyed to it. It was only a underground cave going on for 10 miles and 2 miles high. But the special thing about this home was that only dragon fire could open the door. When they got to their home, they were safe from the meteors and fires, but they were not safe from a new threat. A sinister force, mighty in numbers and power had been awakened from the depths of the star and now attacked the dragons, catching them off guard. The dragons were utterly defeated, nearly extinct by the attack and so the remaining dragons limped away from their old home to find a new one. There were only 500 dragons left from the attack, and as they journeyed, a new volcano formed. It formed on the very ground they were standing on. They were sucked into it's hole and when they landed at the bottem, they realized that this was a massive volcano bigger than any ever formed. But no sooner had it fully formed, then it stopped it's army of fire. None knew the reason why, but they were trapped inside the volcano. The hole of the volcano was covered with many hundreds of feet of ice. After many efforts of trying to get out they lay down, defeated. They realized that the volcano was a perfect home. Soon they made it their new home and lived there for millions of years. The dragons flourished once again and now they have forgotten what had attacked them before". "Is that true, grandpa?" one little baby dragon asked in a trembling voice. "Of course it's true, Drakenor!" Grandpa Dragon said. "Now don't you be afraid of this. You're a dragon and dragons are?... "Top of the world!!"30 little voices chimed. The future of dragons is a thread hanging in the hands of one dragon and his friends...Drakenor!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey Drake!
~ I'd start by centering this, placing it in bold text, and seperating it into two lines:I am terribly sorry that this review is so late in coming. My computer's firewall collapsed, and I had to rebuild it, and then I had to rewire my internet connection, and then it simply crashed; a completely lifeless block of hardware that took weeks in a computer shop to be restored. But-finally- my computer has been revived, and I'm here with your review!
Let us begin.
Drakenor: Book 1
Prologue
Then you don't need the second colon.
Okay, so I really like the way you start your prologue. It really drew me in, and made me want to keep reading.
You should seperate your story into paragraphs, to make it easier to read. Pretty much the main rule for paragraphs is that they're supposed to contain a thought. For example, your first paragraph should be (you should heed the advice of Noelle for an edit): "At the end of the universe there was a star much bigger than others. It wasn't just big. It was enormous. The star was not barren; it was lush with vegetation and water. But, it also housed... the world of the dragons!" because this is a single thought.
It tells us about a star that housed dragons (very cool, BTW). The next sentence begins describing the dragons (rather than the star that houses them), so that warrants a new paragraph. Also, when you have several paragraphs of a single person talking (as in your story, since the Grandpa Dragon is telling a tale), each new paragraph starts with quotation marks, but doesn't have to end with them until that speaker is finished.
Example:
~ Instead, try:
"At the end of the universe there was a star much bigger than others. It wasn't just big. It was enormous. The star was not barren; it was luch with vegtation and water. But, it also housed...the world of dragons! (note there aren't end quotation marks here)
"Dragons of all shapes and colors soared through the sky each happy day. The dragons were all very big, but regarded themselves as tiny compared to the world they lived in. Apart from the dragons, there were other fearsome creatures. (then there would be end quotation marks here, if this was the last thing the Grandpa Dragon said to his babies, before anyone else spoke). Does that make any sense?
~ I really like this bit...like alot. Dragon fire? That's awesome dude!
This is a good start of what seems to be an awesome story! I like the description you use, and the way you put your story forward (as in, Grandpa Dragon telling the story, instead of you). I'm excited to see where you go with this!
Feel free to PM or wall me if you have any questions or need any more help. I'd be happy to review again!
Keep writing!
~Shady
Hi there!
It's always nice to see new writers joining our community. You'll love it here.
I'm here to review as requested.
First off, welcome to the site!
I'd like to start off by saying this is a good start. You definitely have me interested. I like how you told a story, leading to the basic plot of the story. It was nice to have Grandpa Dragon telling us the story instead of you, the writer, telling us. This made me feel like he was actually telling me.
Comments/Suggestions/Critiques
*this is a little redundant. I would've said it like this: 'At the end of the universe was a star, one much bigger than any other star. It wasn't just bigger, it was enormous.' This seems to flow better and gives all the same information in a way that makes it easier to understand.
*should be shook
*I also think you should add more detail about the tornadoes. Say something about they tearing across the land, ruining everything in their path. You know, make it seem more destructive.
*what are these special abilities and why are the animals special enough to have them?
*you should either say 'catching them completely off guard' or 'completely taking them by surprise'
*with these small changes the sentence flows better.
*if they were nearly extinct, wouldn't there be less dragons? I'd suggest saying there were a hundred or so.
*I like this. The imagery is good. I never imagined a volcano erupting as an army of fire
Overall this is a good start. You've got a lot of potential with this story. You don't have to do anything I suggested, but it's some feedback that I thought you might enjoy.
This is a good start. I can't wait to read more! Post on my wall when you've written the next chapter.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hello Drakenor! This is a very interesting piece. The first thing I liked here was how you started your prologue. Your descriptions were very good about the star. I know that this is a dialogue but you can still divide it into paragraphs otherwise it might take a while for the readers to take in all the info. A few nitpicks:
1. "The star was young, but it had grown fast and had already created many billions of creatures."
I think it should go like this, "The star was young but it had grown fast and already billions of creatures were living on it."
2. "Soon great volcanoes sprouted out of nowhere and sent showers upon showers..."
I don't think you should repeat the word. Just write "sent showers of meteor sized rocks" okay?
3. When you say special abilities. I'd like to know about those abilities that protected them from teh meteors. So do explain that as well. Just a line or two. And also tell about the dragon's secret home so the readers can create the image in their mind.
4. "When they got to their home(remove the comma) they were safe from the meteors and fires, but there was a new threat."
5. "A sinister force, mighty in number and power(remove the 's') had been awakened from the depths of the star. (full stop) It attacked the dragons, completely taking them off guard.(break it into two sentences. And I changed the last line. This one sounds better)
6. Another thing is that you use the word dragon a lot. Try using 'them' or 'they'.
When you said a new volcano formed, you have to describe it there. How did it form. Did the ground shake? was there an Earthquake? How did the dragons get trapped inside?
Overall, this is a very good story and I hope you write the next chapter soon. Don't worry about the mistakes. You'll overcome them very soon. You're a talented writer, I can tell. I like the concept of dragons and the name is very catchy, Drakenor. Keep writing