[READ FIRST]: Because you're just sort of dumped in the middle of the book, let me give you a brief idea of what's going on. Xxis is my MC. He is an ice dragon shape-shifter. He's also a mercenary. The other character is a little girl named Nallia. She's about 7/8 years old. Her parents died not long ago in a fire (it was actually a murder...but we'll not get into that at the moment). Nallia, with no home or friends to turn to, clings to the nearest person, which happens to be Xxis. He doesn't want anything to do with the girl, but can't seem to get rid of her. In the scene below, the two have been traveling together for a couple weeks and Xxis goes to a tavern to meet up with a client who wants to hire his assassin skills. Another random note you need to know is that Xxis is 47 years old but appears 22, it has to do with being a Dragonkin ;)
Without farther adieu, chapter six of Heart of Ice
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Xxis pushed open the tavern door and he and Nallia stepped inside. As he promptly made his way across the bustling room, she trailed behind him at a much slower pace, her wide, innocent eyes taking in the loud chaos with curiosity.
“Ah! If it isn’t my favorite customer! I was wondering when you’d turn up,” the bartender greeted Xxis cheerily from across the room as his less-enthusiastic guest closed the distance between them. The inn-keep was an older, loud-spoken man named Mekell. He was decent in appearance, his only flaws being his eyebrows, which were overly thick and bushy, and his teeth, which were slightly lacking and rotting. His expression was that of a good-natured tavern owner, but behind his eyes he was only pining for his customer’s money. It was true that the odd dragon boy was his special favorite, but merely because of the way he paid; gold and gems were often associated and nothing less than fine silver was served from his hands. And that meant undivided attention and special service for Xxis, which was fine by him.
“So, Xxis, I ‘spect you got my message then?" The inn-keep drew a mug of warm ale as he spoke. "When the genterman came in askin’ for the best mercenary in the land, well, I told him none was better than you!”
Nallia caught up with her companion towards the end of what the noisy bartender was saying and Xxis cast her a weary glance, Mekell had spoken of his profession louder than he was comfortable with. However, seemingly oblivious to their exchange, the small girl stood on her tip-toes and propped her chin upon the bar, calling out a bright “hi!” to Mekell.
Surprised, Mekell raised a questioning eyebrow at Xxis before beaming a smile at the girl and replying, “Why, hello, little missy.”
Taking the prepared mug from the counter, Xxis ignored the cheery interference. “Where is he?”
Mekell turned back to him. “He mostly stays in his room. He’s not from these parts, you know.” He paused to call off an impatient guest before saying, “should I let him know you’re here?”
Xxis gave a nod just before he felt an urgent tug at his cloak and he looked down to see expectant brown eyes. “I’m hungry.”
With an inward sigh, he quickly gestured for the bartender to return and dug a pouch of coins out of his pocket as he started laying out demands, “Feed her, don’t let her drink anything, and keep her out of trouble.”
Mekell raised a bushy eyebrow. “Do I look like the royal nanny to you? I’m already running around like a headless chicken. Ever since my kitchen boy left…”
Xxis’ impatient eyes bore into him and he cut the sob story short as he forcefully set down a pair of coins and gave his orders again. “Feed her.” He grabbed Nallia and set her on a corner bar stool, “Don’t drink anything and stay out of trouble.”
Mekell quickly ladled out a bowl of stew before heading upstairs to retrieve his absent guest.
“What do you mean don’t drink anything?” Nallia complained as Xxis slid the vittles towards the girl, “Am I supposed to die of dehydration?” Xxis gave her a look of annoyance, he didn’t know if she was just being difficult or if she really didn’t understand that there were no beverages in a bar that a child should be drinking; especially from the way the majority of the guests looked, he knew that accepting a drink from them could be dangerous. And unfortunately he had left his water skin outside with the horse and he wasn’t leaving just to retrieve it. Nallia would just have to do what she was told, and if she chose to disobey, the outcome wouldn’t be any of Xxis’ concern.
After receiving Xxis’ look, Nallia dropped the question to turn eagerly to her desired supper. She hungrily started scooping into the bowl with the crude wooden utensil and blowing on the steaming mouthfuls before slurping it down. The stew was meek in flavor and supplement, but it was warm and Nallia knew that she shouldn't have any right to complain, and Xxis wouldn’t hear of it even if she did.
Nallia glanced at the man whom she had recently dubbed as her caretaker as she chewed a piece of meat. He had moved off to the side where he had stood patiently for a couple minutes now; silent, still, emotionless.
He caught Nallia looking at him and took a step toward her, “I have some work to do. It may take a while. Do not bother me," he gruffly commanded the child, giving her a look of warning.
Nallia ignored the threat and talked around another spoonful of stew. “What kind of work?”
Xxis observed the return of Mekell and the appearance of another man from the corner of his eye as they entered the room, and he bluntly answer, “just work. Stay out of it,” before turning and making his way across the room, Nallia’s disappointed eyes following him as she sighed and put her chin in the palm of her hand.
As Xxis and his mysterious client met, they observed each other grimly. The stranger sized up the pale mercenary as the other's unwavering gaze peered fearlessly into the foreigner's dark eyes in return.
Stuck in between the tense stare-down, the awkward inn-keep did the only thing he was truly best at. "See? You asked for a cold-blooded killer and I got you exactly that. Eh?" He chuckled at his pun, but the other men remained unamused.
"You did your part," was all that the man at his side replied as he handed a pouch of coins to Mekell. Eager to leave his menacing guests, Mekell cleared his throat weakly and excused himself, thinking that he may have found a new favorite customer as he peered into his reward.
"Do you play Thrones?" the darker man said, gesturing to a table in the corner of the room that had squares engraved on the table top and a pouch of game pieces hanging from the side. Instead of giving an answer, which could have been a haughty, "As a child," Xxis simply followed the man to the table and they began setting up their pieces in silence; Xxis studied his game opponent as they did. He was wearing a humble cloak, but as his hands moved, Xxis keenly noticed paler bands on the dark man's skin where he suspected many rings and bracelets must commonly lay. He was also aware of his posture, which was upright and haughty, arguing against the simple man he claimed to be.
"I see that you have set up your pieces in the most advanced level of the game. Very bold." The man spoke up as he easily made an adjustment of his pieces to follow suit, yet another sign that he was well learned and higher in status than he would have people believe. "Then again, you are far older than you appear," he added, giving Xxis a knowing glance. For, of course, he had been carefully studying his opponent as well.
Neither is he ignorant, Xxis also noted. And his accent, he thought as he noticed a faint twist of words, it sounds… middle-eastern? Somewhere between the Enriba coast and the Lethryn mountains perhaps. His physical traits could have been to the account of numerous places, however, as he styled thick black hair and finely groomed facial hair, tanned skin and brown eyes.
Now that their game had been set up, the man across from Xxis made the beginning move and then laced his fingers together and considered the man before him. "My name is Huyrth,” he began, “I have been very specific in my search for a good mercenary. I need someone who is a professional at the job and a heartless killer." Huyrth watched Xxis make his beginning move on the board, the silent man neither objected nor did his confident gaze alter, so Huyrth continued. "A lot depends on this job and it needs to be done in absolute secrecy." Xxis had heard it all before and waited patiently for him to get to the specific instructions.
They each made another move on the table before Huyrth added, "I must let you know, the victim is of a considerable young age." His gaze wandered purposefully to Nallia, who sat in a brooding posture at the bar. He had seen the mercenary with the little girl earlier and was testing his doubts.
I knew the little brat would spoil business one way or another, Xxis growled to himself. Outwardly, he didn't even look at her, instead lazily raised his eyebrows in indifference. "I can assure you, I am not prejudiced in my work: in gender, race, or age," he insisted in a steady tone and a hard look. Huyrth gave a brief nod, convinced for the moment, as he studied the board for his next move. They played in silence for a few minutes; each waiting for the other to breakdown first and either ask for information or give it. Despite himself, Xxis would occasionally steal a glance at Nallia while his opponent was busy concentrating on his move. Every time he did, he saw her eyelids grow heavier and finally her head had fallen into the crook of her arm and she was sleeping fitfully.
As always, Xxis won the silence game and Huyrth began speaking in a low voice. His attention did not leave the game and his expression remained the same as he began giving descriptions to Xxis. "The boy of topic is about four-years-old. He's small for his age and is of a petite bone structure. He has bright red hair and vivid green eyes. You will know him specifically by redish-brown feathers that grow at the nape of his neck. He's part avian, not enough to shift or have wings, those feathers are the only physical trait he inherited."
Xxis took the information without showing a hint of interest, his solid face concentrating on the game. Inside his head, however, he was drawing a picture of the boy, and thinking, putting all of the pieces together, nothing had escaped his attention. Huyrth filled the absent reaction with more information. "It is a... family embarrassment of ours. An illegitimate son of my brother-in-law's."
The silence stretched on again for some time as the moving of the wooden game pieces provided the only sound.
This time, Xxis was the one to break quiet. He had solved the puzzle and was ready to reveal it and start talking real business. "I don't work cheaply," he stated. "Especially for an unwanted princeling, LORD Huyrth."
Huyrth paused in the move he was making but quickly wiped any surprise from his face. He considered Xxis through a carefully guarded expression. Finally he rested back in his chair and gave a loose laugh. "The only game you're playing is the one on the table, my friend."[/spoiler]
For Xxis it was an easy solve: he had already made the connections for Huyrth's origin and status, and the description of the boy had only strengthened the claim and then-some. Red hair was rare, but even more so where Huyrth presumably hailed from, so much so it was saved only for royal blood, or ruby-bloods as they were called in their domain. The red city of Daricy, even Huyrth's accent matched the proposal. So Huyrth was somehow involved with the royals. The next step was figuring out where exactly Huyrth fit in all of this and how much of a price Xxis could get out of him now. Xxis vaguely remembered whispered news of the death of the king of Daricy, although he didn't remember hearing details of the death... or of a successor. But no, there was a queen who would most likely take up the responsibility. A young, beautiful woman from the desert of... Xxis looked a Huyrth... Eriff. Could it be? The ethnical description matched. He had already figured out that Huyrth was high in status so most likely not one of the queen’s servants but possibly an equal. Huyrth had said his father-in-law’s child, did he not? Possibly a rouse, but Xxis was willing to bet on it. How much was a brother willing to pay to make sure that his family stayed on the throne and not some sniveling ruby-blood descendant.
This truly did raise the price, by a great deal, royals were expensive. As Huyrth had stated, his game was over
"May I inquire as to how my wise opponent came to his conclusion?" Huyrth broke his thoughts. Xxis looked at him without not so much as twitching an eyelid to reveal what else he now knew. Huyrth’s stance was different now that he knew his secret was out, even if he was unsure of how much of it. He chose to use the unveiling to show the full effect of his position. He remained courteous but his dark eyes now radiated intelligence, defiance and pride, with warning of sinister in the corners.
"I've been around,” was all that Xxis grunted in reply.
"Yes, I'm sure you have..." Huyrth mumbled aloud as if he knew what that entailed. After making a move on the table he began to talk business again, and this time with a bit more truth. "Your assumptions are accurate. The said child needs disposed of so that he doesn't cause future problems. Unfortunately he vanished not long after the king's death, most likely to the courtesy of his mother. We've managed to get a lead on his whereabouts but are unable to track him further than that. You are skilled at tracking?"
It could be done, but it wasn’t one of Xxis’ strong points. His eyes flickered to the sleeping Nallia. She was part Elven and had already proved to show tracking skills in following him. If they combined his intelligence to her natural talent, surely it could be done. Perhaps the child does have some use, he thought as he nodded to Huyrth for his answer.
Huyrth continued, "Then know this: We have reason to believe he's been shipped away on a merchant ship called The SandDove to a port in Palenthia called Tivryn where he was sold. There is tension between us and the Palenthians and we can't get close to further investigate, which is why this act needs to be done urgently and very secretly, known as independent of Daricy. You understand."
Xxis acted as if he hadn't heard the information. "Tell me why I care."
"Of course. I can assure you, you will be paid handsomely,” Huyrth answered in prideful confidence.
Xxis appeared as if he hadn't heard his negotiator and instead urged them to continue their game of thrones; toying with patience and drawing out suspension. Huyrth, not longing to appear anxious, reluctantly followed suit. They seemed to be equally matched at the game and each held their side in strength. It was a well-played game of tug-of-war; each lost some and gained some; although it appeared as though the desert man was steadily pulling forward.
At last, Xxis spoke; he picked up one of the throne pieces he had won from Huyrth’s hand and studied it. "Daricy. The 'red city' they call it; named for the palace's blood red dome that was carved out of a single garnet stone." Xxis had actually been there himself, seen the beauty. The dome was one of the wonders of the world. It was carved in perfect craftsmanship, and through the years kept diligently to make sure its splendor appeared as new. Not a scratch or a smudge defiled its magnificence; more smooth than glass. And when the sunlight hits the dome, it casts everything around it in a brilliant rosy light. People came from all over the world to see the wonder and walk inside the room in which the dome covers, to stand under the shadows of its color. It was the pride of the nation. Perhaps even the pride of the continent.
Xxis looked Huyrth in the eye. "That's my price."
For a moment Huyrth's fine eyebrows drew together in incomprehension and then a flicker of understanding passed through his eyes and he was about to protest, but Xxis calmly cut him off. "Carve me out a piece of your nation's pride."
This time, Huryth's eyebrows raised in shock and he chuckled tensely as if it was a joke, but there was no humor in his eyes. "That's not even an option," he stated firmly. "However," he turned the topic, "it is true that our Capitol is full of wealth. I'm sure there are many things in our royal treasury that will interest you: Gold items that are twice as heavy as your weight, a ravenous collection of gems, jewelry made of ivory, and silver so pure it produces a better reflection than the finest glass mirror. Those are just a weak example of the riches you could choose from." Huryth's intention was to rouse the dragon side of Xxis, and he could tell by the hungry gleam in his green eye that he was tempted by the bait. But, as always, his countenance remained controlled.
However, nothing loosened Xxis' dormant tongue more than the bargaining of riches. "Perhaps you don't understand my price. After all, you are ordering the death of a ruby blood. If I was caught… If you were caught..." Xxis let his unfinished sentence hang in the air. He placed his fingers on his mouth and stared at the table as if contemplating an important decision. A barmaid swung by and placed a pair of mugs on the table, but Huyrth quickly shooed her away. When she left, Xxis spoke again. "I will demand only a carving large enough to be placed in a medallion, but I also demand the silver you spoke of."
"There is no carving. The garnet stays out of the deal," Huyrth growled, annoyed that Xxis was still even considering it as a bargaining option. "I don't even have the authority for that kind of demand."
"You do."
Huyrth grabbed the table angrily and leaned forward. He had grown impatient. "I can find another man for the job," he threatened.
Xxis' piercing gaze didn't flinch. "No, you can't," he stated matter-of-factly as he calmly moved one of his game pieces forward.
Huyrth’s eyes flared dangerously but he didn’t say anything and, after a while, positioned himself back in his chair and begrudgingly continued to play the board game at hand. Finally he said, "Surely there is something else I can tempt you with. A marble adornment. A bejeweled weapon to add to your collection. Or-"
"My Lord," Xxis cut him off, saying the title with a slight hint of mockery. "I am a wealthy being. My own treasury likely exceeds your own. How badly do you need this princeling dead?"
Huyrth engaged Xxis' stare seriously. His fingertips came together and the table once again became silent. At last, he made his decision. "I agree to give you the silver, which is 70 quilicks in worth, AND your garnet along with it, but only in a gem large enough to fit a woman's ring."
Xxis' eyes grew stormy and the corner of his mouth dropped in an unsatisfied frown. "You insult me! That is less than a scratch of your monument."
Huyrth lifted his chin in defiance and pushed a game piece forward.
Xxis growled and looked away, accidentally catching sight of Nallia as he did. She was no longer dozing but appeared to have just woken up and her bleary eyes were fearfully watching a drunken man who had approached her. The man was saying something and she slowly shook her head timidly, her shoulders hunched in a defensive posture.
When the filthy man stepped closer and Xxis saw the nervous fear flash in Nallia's eyes, something inside him ignited and suddenly a foreign heated feeling overtook his thoughts. Something had to be done quickly, all logical sense suddenly evaded him. He quickly turned back to his employer, who hadn't noticed the scene, and said, "Deal." He then made a finally move on the table and briskly stood up and walked away, leaving Huyrth speechless from shock. He was even further surprise as he looked down at the table and discovered that the youthful-looking merc had managed to claim winner of their game in his single exiting move.
Xxis didn't know what he was doing or why he cared. Or when -if ever- the last time he felt truly furious; the emotion was completely foreign, as all emotions were to him. All he knew was that the odd burning sensation directed him towards his victimized companion, his boots clunking across the room with purpose.
He got there just as the man was reaching out his hand to touch the little girl, but found he was unable to complete the action as he felt something clamp forcefully around his arm in a halting grip. The dirty drunk turned to see who had dared defy him.
"Don't touch her," Xxis said dangerously.
The drunk, who was a great deal in size, saw that his offender appeared to be a man merely in his early twenties and he smirked. But the look was quickly wiped from his face as Xxis tightened his clench. The man struggled to keep the expression of pain from his face, this pale boy turned out to be much stronger than he had perceived. He tried to defy him with a threatening look but only found himself staring at a stone cold face that was eerily calm, like a warning; but the green eyes were heated and dangerous. The man winced openly this time as Xxis twisted his grip.
With a spit to the boy's boots to make himself feel tough, the drunk wisely stepped back from the girl and Xxis allowed him to tear his arm away from his grip. He walked back to his table and dared any of his comrades to mock him as got another beer from a barmaid.
Xxis looked down at Nallia, whose brown eyes were watching him with worship-like gratitude mixed with feared cautiousness. He grabbed her arm, and even though it was with far more tenderness than he had the man's, she gave a slight wince as he brought her to her feet and pulled the sleepy child out of the loud tavern.
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So there you have it! I haven't written anything in years, so I'm a bit rusty. I know it's crappy so don't feel hesitant to tear it apart!! ;)
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First things first...I have no idea how to pronounce your Main character's name. And that really bugs me. Xxis is a really unique name, but the way I'm pronouncing it, it sounds better for a bad guy in your story, not the hero. It is harsh and violent sounding....
The young girl seems sort of out of place through-out the whole scene, other than at the very end. She doesn't so much, she doesn't say much. I know that she's important to the plot-line, but have her do something! She has to do more than just watch. Get her more involved somehow. Make her have a conversation with somebody, a bar-maid, a drunk, someone.
The last few paragraphs aren't enough to cover the fight. It should be longer, have more details.
Other than that, it's an excellent story and I look forward to reading more.
Happy Review Day!
yubbies21
His name is pronounced "ex-sis" and this is explained earlier in the book
I know it's hard being dumped in the middle of the story, sorry.
And I agree that it may not be the best choice. This is somewhat of a shared novel and my co-writer insists on keeping the name.
In regards to it sounding more villainish and not so heroic, you have to understand that Xxis is the MC but he's far from being a hero (at least for the majority of the book). He is, quite frankly, a heartless killer. Thus, the not friendly name
Heya, Dragonette! *squishes* I'm so proud of your hard work. ^-^ Anyways, I have the pleasure of reviewing for ya this afternoon!
Way to get back in the swing of things, girl. As always: Write on!
Regarding the technical side of this chapter, I hardly found any mistakes. Great editing job!
Now, onto the meat and potatoes of your chapter. True, it is evident that you haven't written in a while, but I'm sure you will soon overcome that rustiness; You just need a bit polishing, that's all.
Oh, my goodness gracious. You have mastered the art of characters, my young Padawan. Haha They are so realistic, unique, and believable, and we can the reader can see subtle changes in the main characters' actions/words. (Nallia is adorable, by the way! < 3 ) I love this: "Xxis gave a nod just before he felt an urgent tug at his cloak and he looked down to see expectant brown eyes. 'I’m hungry.'" This is something a small child would do!
Next, your world's setting is spectacular with solid descriptions that drive the chapter onwards. Images of the scenes in this chapter were immediately displayed in my mind, causing me to continue reading. You appear to have a knack for shaping realistic characters, and a surrounding world just as real.
There were a handful of sentences scattered throughout this chapter, Dragonette, that are on the verge of being run-ons. For example, you wrote, "The drunk, who was a great deal in size, saw that his offender appeared to be a man merely in his early twenties and he smirked." That's a lot of information and wording, and therefore causes the last part to feel aloof from the rest. I'm sure you can portray the same images with less words. Remember: More is not always best.
I'm interested to read more about Xxis and his little companion, so keep me updated!
---Stormsie
Thank you, dear!! <3 *squeeze-huggles*
Also
Don't I know it! That is my biggest problem with writing :/
(Thanks again for the review)
This looks like it is an interesting story. Is their journey to the desert land to assassinate the prince part of the main plot? That would be cool.
I like the setting that you've created. There seem to be a lot of interesting creatures and races. The MC is interesting himself. Although I don't understand why he's "in his forties." Dragons are usually described as being able to live a long time, why not make him centuries old or something instead? He's practically a baby. If he's mostly human though, why not just make him 22? A lot of experience can be gained in a few years, it wouldn't be that unrealistic.
I had a problem with his name. "Xxis" is annoying to read over and over and over. I don't know how to pronounce it and all the xs look like error codes. Maybe you should change that. Plus, "x" is a very harsh sounding letter. Good for villains, maybe not so great for your hero.
There were few mistakes overall, but a little choppy in spots. Maybe just carefully read over it again to catch any mistakes or rough spots.
This section here bugged me:
There's a lot of useful information an assassin should be given before a mission, but if it's all just a physical description than it's going to be unrealistic. What else is important about the target? Maybe you should describe that too.
One last thing is the lord. If he's travelling incognito, he probably wouldn't use his real name. Plus, it would be more impressive if the MC manages to guess his name and title rather than just his title.
Overall this was an interesing scene. I wouldn't have posted it as an excerpt though, since I'm more into action and fights and stuff, but you kept me reading. It remined me of a mix between Final Fantasy and Assassin's Creed, and you have a nice little Game of Thrones reference thrown in there.
Well, that's all for me, over and out.
SBC
...You just told me to make him older, and then to make him younger in the same paragraph.
Firstly, the pronunciation of his name is explained earlier in the book, just not in this chapter. Problem solved.
Second, he's not a hero, he's a mercenary, a heartless killer
Thanks...for nothing. "Your story has a lot of mistakes. Read it again and fix it." That is going to help me out SO MUCH. Thank you for helping me become a better writer by telling me how to correct my mistakes.
? What else IS important about the target? He's a three-year-old child. Xxis' goal is to find him and kill him. To find him, he's gotta know what he looks like. There's not much else Huyrth can give him because he himself doesn't know where he is or in what kind of situation.
True. I suppose that was lazy writing on my part. Maybe I'll add that in after I've written the entire first draft for the novel. I know this chapter isn't the final thing, but it suffices for now.
Ha! You noticed