Published April 5, 2008
“Come on, we are going to be late for class if we do not hurry up” shouted Brad, as we searched for my lucky quarter which had just fallen out of my pocket.
“ I knew I should have left it at home today, but I could not resist, since we are having finals. Help me look then.” I shouted. As I did, a peice of metal glinted in the corner. “I think I found it,” I shouted triumphantly as rushed forward. However, as always, I clumsily fell. But something was not right, I did not hit my head on the wall, I passed through.
I tried to go back the way I came. I hit a wall. I was scared, but I knew three things, it was dark, scary, and no way back that I knew of. Then I passed out.
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Grammatical nitpicks and such first...
There should be a comma after "up"The period after "then" should be a comma.
I think this should be "But something was not right: I did not hit my head on the wall. Instead, I passed through."
Should be "...and there was not way back that I knew of."
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You should expand with:
1. Imagery--I don't know ANYTHING about what ANYTHING looks like, smells like, feels like, etc. Go into more detail about the setting a (are they on a sidewalk? In school? Is it hot? Warm? Humid? Dry?) what the characters look like (are they both boys, one boy one girl... Caucasian, Asian? Tall? Short? Fat? Skinny?) I want to picture the events clearly in my mind.
2. Character--Expand more on your characters' personalities. All that I know is that the MC is clumsy.
Seriously, though, you don't need to add any more "action" to make it longer, just add description and character development.
This is way too short to give a proper critique... In the future, please post longer pieces so that we have enough text to have a proper opinion. ^_~
I hope this helps! If I was unclear about anything, please feel free to PM me.
~Azila~
Wow that's really short....
it seems that you should show a little bit more of the characters reaction to suddenly going through the wall....
since this is first person, you should probably get into his head a lot more.
You probably could of made this into more then one sentance. and explained the situation better.
]“Come on, we are going to be late for class if we do not hurry up” shouted Brad at my hunched form. Just as we were getting to finals, I lost my lucky quarter.
Note to self I thought. I need better pockets "Just help me for a minute." I replied. I was about to give up when a glint of metal caught my eye. Shouting triumphantly, I reached for it. Just as I reached it, I felt that tug as i stepped on my shoelaces, and I was falling. Ooohhh boy I thought as the locker rushed up to me.
I braced for impact, but there was none. I found myself in a dark room.
well anyway, you get the idea. Go into the character more.... make it their story, show their thoughts.
oh, and Duridia reminds me too much of Druidia from the movie Space Balls