Published April 18, 2007
Death
What is death, but leaving this world and entering another.
confronting god, him chosing your fate, hell or heven
What is death, if god is in your heart, but a gift
of eternal life, of glorifying god, and letting dreadfull life go.
and having it be returned to you, in streets made of gold
to roam all you want in one size fit all robes
never being made fun, allways glorifying the one who saved
out undeserving hearts.
greeting pepol here and there that we could never immagine.
david, elijah, jesus, mary, joseph and other prophets.
so when it is you time , accept, belive and confess and you will have all of the above!
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The above people have marked out spelling errors and the like. And please, capitalize? Also, punctuate: Poetry & Punctuation
I'll give you my comments I tend to tell new poets: 1. read as much poetry as possible! Even on YWS, read a poem, and see what people liked/disliked about it. Try to learn from that. 2. Read about how to write poetry, there are a lot of articles floating around about poetry, here and on the web in general. 3. listen to your critics (Us!), at least, when they sound like they know what they are talking about. 8 out of 10 times, the person most likely knows what they are talking about. (How reassuring?)
I am not so sure this was a poem, rather a preaching. There are poems that reflect the good of the Lord, and what one receives in heaven for their acts, but the way you ended it made it all too preachy, and not poetic for me at all.
From a religious stand point, I applaud you, as a poet, I hope I can help you possibly form this better.
First off: Don't post something without spell checking it and reading over it a few times, that would have saved us the trouble of doing it for you. It makes a sloppy post. Typos, and maybe misspellings here or there are OK, but anything a spell check can pick up should be fixed.
This lacked poetic structure, a rhythm. It was just your message, crammed into it the way you could fit it. Message like this need to be delivered just as poetically as the poem the intend to be. Don't preach to your reader, elegantly guide them with your words. I'm not so sure how I could suggest your improvement upon this, its only base is preaching, and that is what the poem is. Perhaps if you transformed it into a poem about what we should do on earth to go to heaven, or what heaven will be like? Or perhaps, what happens in hell to those who do not abide by God's laws? That would be a darker side.
But for now... I just feel like I'm being preached at with run on sentences that are kind of randomly put into verse.
I realize you are young, so I hope none of this was too harsh
I hope I helped! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me and I'll get back to you ASAP.
This was quite good, Dragon. It's sad, though, but you have done well. There, however, were a FEW things that I noticed.
, , , and are ALL spelled wrong, love. You should check your spelling mistakes before posting. ^_-1. Names like God, Mary, Joseph, etc. should be capitalized always because they are proper nouns. Common nouns, such as "cat, dog, computer, pencil, etc." shouldn't be capitalized because they aren't specific.
2.
Correct spellings:
*heven = heavan
* immagine = imagine
* pepol = people
*belive = believe
Okey dokey?
Love,
*~Gel~*
very good. love it, but i must ask... wat's it for?