z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

The Ice Queen Chapter 9

by DragonNoir


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Chapter 9:

Crystall and I - and sometimes Caen - went out shopping a lot. I know I should've been training but I need to have some kind of rest and time for myself and others around me. Now, you may think this is pretty random but me and Crystall ended up going to Ikea to buy him a new wardrobe. I kind of regretted wasting so much money on casual clothes and sportswear for him, but I did feel a bit nice for making Crystall happy. Either way, I didn't want to pick something for him, so I brought him with me. Boy, some crazy shit went down in that Ikea. Before you read any further, please remember: I was not drunk or high.

Crystall and I walked to that huge Ikea store; it wasn't actually that far from my house. The car park was full as usual, I wondered how much money the manager made off of this one shop. Anyway, we were about halfway through the car park when everyone started running out of the shop in a panic. Crystall looked really confused.

“Is this normal here?” he asked. I shook my head.

“Not really,” I replied, being quite confused myself. “I'm not sure whether we should go and see what happened. Let's just leave and come another da-”

“Wait,” Crystall grabbed me by the shoulder before I turned around to leave. “I sense a strange force in there.”

“Wait, you can do that?”

“Can’t you feel it?”

We went into silence for a while. I tried to feel something, yet I couldn't feel a thing.

"Nope," I replied. "Nothing."

"Oh, I guess it's a centaur thing then," Crystall said

“Jeez, there's too much you guys can do.”

“Coming from a figure skater who beat a world record by miles.”

“And a figure skater who lost to her rival by one point. Let's get going.”

We entered the store, the silence inside was really disturbing and almost terrifying. A small breeze passed through the corridors every so often. I looked around carefully and gestured to Crystall to follow me. We tip-toed up the stairs and into the main part of the shop.

The first section we encountered was the bedroom section. We looked around, carefully scanning the area like CCTV cameras. Suddenly, I noticed movement on my left. All that was there was a nice bedroom model. It had two sets of drawers on each side of a huge king-size bed with a beautiful rose pattern for the duvet and pillow. When I was about to turn my head back in the direction I was walking in, one of the small drawers moved again. I quickly wiped my eyes and questioned both my sanity and my sober-ness. I turned around again, but then - don't judge me on this - the drawer physically leaped on me. I could see it grew sharp fangs and had a huge mouth, ready to devour me. Of course, I grabbed the closest thing I had to hand, which just so happened to be a pillow. I fell onto the floor and covered my head with the pillow helplessly. Before the Monster Drawer even landed, Crystall ran in and laid a single punch on it, but it was definitely enough to smash it into a billion pieces.

At that moment, I realised how strong Crystall really was, despite how small he looked compared to Caen. Crystall helped me up gently. I swear, I could spend an eternity in his soft arms.

“Be more careful next time,” he said.

“I'll need a better weapon first,” I replied. “We need to get to the kitchen section, they've got knives there.”

Crystall raised his eyebrow.

“You're going to use kitchen knives against furniture. You humans get more and more interesting the longer I'm with you.”

I shook my head.

“I won't be attacking the furniture, I've got you to do that. I'll attack the person who's doing this with the knives.”

Crystall shrugged but complied. When I was about to turn around to lead us to the kitchen section, the pillow in my hand suddenly came to life. It grew a huge mouth, filled with fangs. Crystall had a faster reflex than I did, so he quickly grabbed it out of my hand and threw it to the other side of the room.

“I think it might be pointless to get those knives if they're going to turn against you like this,” he said.

“No shit Sherlock,” I was tempted to say, but I soon realised that wouldn't be the nicest thing to say when he's my only defence against the Monster Furniture (I must sound so mad right now).

Either way, we swiftly moved on to the fridge section, which stood in our way to the kitchen section. Crystall managed to save me quite a lot from more drawers and pillows.

I knew subconsciously that the fridge section will most likely be the death of me, but I needed to know what was going on. I was curious, ok? Besides, I had a strong centaur at my side, so I thought everything would be fine!

Anyways, when we creeped into the fridge section, Crystall said:

“You know, we can leave if you're scared.”

“Me?! Scared?!” I exclaimed. “Just what makes you think that?!”

“You're raising your voice and your hair is standing up a bit.”

I scowled at him.

“Stop. You're too overpowered.”

Suddenly, I felt something cold on my back. My eyes widened and I quickly grabbed Crystall’s arm.

“Crystall…” I whispered. “What's behind me…?”

“That thing you call a fridge, I think.” Crystall replied.

“Is it moving...?”

“No. It isn't now.”

I suddenly realised a correlation across all of the Monster Furniture.

“They only move with our backs to them! Am I a genius now?”

“Bravo, Einstein.”

“You don't even know who Einstein is!”

Crystall placed his hands on his hips.

“I don't. Caen and my great-grandmother do.”

“How the fuck does Caen know him?!”

“Caen is 29 in human years, bu he lives for much longer than that because of how we convert between Centaur and Human years.”

“Ok, we'll discuss this later. For now, I want you to knock this thing out, like, in a proper badass way.”

“Why?”

“It'll be fun, trust me.”

“Ok, I'll give it a try?”

Crystall moved backwards and suddenly turned into his centaur form. He charged at the fridge and I managed to just about jump out of the way. Crystall smashed into the fridge and into the wall behind it, sending the Monster Fridge tumbling down to the ground level.

Crystall returned to his human form and we carried on walking. This time, we walked back-to-back so we weren't surprised by any of the Monster Furniture. When there wasn't anything attacking us, there was this very eerie silence which seemed scarier than actually getting attacked.

We were almost out of the fridge section when another fridge attacked us. I must say though, the Monster Furniture made some proper retarded noises. Like, I wasn't fully sure what onomatopoeic word could describe the noises they made. Crystall quickly pushed me out of the way and jumped onto the fridge and held its doors with his hands and feet to stop it from eating us. Although I appreciated the help, he did push me into a wall, which hurt quite badly. I was fine though, I went through worse injuries. Like when I smashed my head on ice and nearly killed myself when I attempted my first Triple Lutz.

I quickly got up, although my head was pounding like someone smashed it with a hammer. I quickly grabbed what was closest to hand: a brush. A fucking brush. It wasn't even supposed to be there, someone probably forgot it. So I grabbed that brush and literally just threw it at the Monster Fridge. Obviously, that didn't do anything but bring its attention to me. Although I must say, the effect I got (un)intentionally was actually very nice. The fridge charged at me and I quickly moved out of the way as soon as it was in arm's reach. Now here's the good part: because the wall was already weakened from when Crystall smashed my head into it, the fridge fell straight through. Crystall managed to jump off it just in time.

“Nice one,” Crystall panted. “I'm guessing you predicted that would happen?”

“O- of course! That was so clearly going to happen so I just threw it because that was all I had to do to achieve the desired effect,” I replied. Crystall grinned, but didn't say anything.

We moved on to the kitchen section - still walking back-to-back - where I searched far and wide for any kind of weapons. I managed to get hold of a set of cutlery, I gave the set out equally between me and Crystall.

We passed by a kitchen model when I suddenly saw an oven move.

“Crystall…” I began.

“Hm?” Crystall replied.

“The oven’s moving.”

“Katrina, everything in here moves. Partially because everything in here is under the control of that strange force.”

“Well, where is this ‘strange force’ coming from?” I demanded, still staring at the oven. Crystall stayed silent for a while, before answering:

“To your left.”

I looked that way as instructed, my eyes widened at the sight I witnessed. Surrounded by a faint purple mist, a large centaur stood a few metres from us. He wasn't like Crystall. He didn't seem remotely alive. Though he was translucent like a ghost, I could tell he was dressed in black, white and purple tribal clothing, his head was covered by a horse skull. The horse part of his body was pitch black, yet smooth and mirror-like enough to be able to show me and Crystall in a reflection.

“W- who are you?!” I demanded, my heart raced as the centaur took a step forwards, his hooves

“Your doom,” the centaur replied. His voice was so deep I could barely hear him.

“Katrina, stay back,” Crystall pressed his hand to my stomach, pushing me back gently. The centaur raised his black hand and pointed at Crystall.

“Foolish son of Timoros, you are acting as if you actually stand a chance against me. Not even your father can equal with my power,” he boasted. I leaped out from behind Crystall and threw out a few knives. The real surprise came when he didn't try to stop them: they went straight through him, yet he was unharmed. My mouth gaped open,

“What the in the name of Jesus tapdancing Christ have I just witnessed?!” I yelled.

“A minute fraction of my power,” the black centaur replied. “Now you'll witness the full extent of it.”

Crystall pulled me back again, his grip was stronger this time.

“Stay behind me,” he said. “You haven’t witnessed the full extent of my power either.”

I felt the air around us getting colder, my heartbeat sped up rapidly. I quickly hid behind Crystall, as instructed. I didn't want to know where this would take us.

Author's Note: Beware the next time you enter an Ikea, the centaurs are watching you...

Thanks for reading this chapter and I hope you enjoyed it!


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Fri Sep 01, 2017 11:16 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Biscuits thinks to themselves: I wonder if I'll do another review before bed.
Biscuits reads first paragraph: Oops I'm already reviewing in my mind.

Nit-picks:

it wasn't actually that far from my house.

This isn't the most interesting detail of description ever...

Crystall looked really confused.

Would like some description of his facial expression here. It's not really that much to tell me he's confused. Of course he's confused; there's a mass exodus from Ikea going on.

“Be more careful next time,” he said.

“I'll need a better weapon first,” I replied. “We need to get to the kitchen section, they've got knives there.”

I really feel like they should be flabbergasted by the fact that she just got attacked by a drawer. I realise she says it sounds unbelievable, but it's like her and Crystall's actions in the moment don't show the shock that they should.

“No shit Sherlock,” I was tempted to say,

Since she doesn't actually say this it would be useful to have it in italics.

“You know, we can leave if you're scared.”

It just occurred to me, why aren't guards telling her to get out?

I must say though, the Monster Furniture made some proper retarded noises

I'm really really not a fan of the word "retarded". It is used to describe people with learning disabilities and it is used as a slur. This directly implies that having learning disabilities is an insult and as such is extremely unpleasant to read.

the effect I got (un)intentionally

This is a bit clunky. Usually brackets are used as if the speaker would say the un-bracketed version but actually means the bracketed version. The problem here is that nobody would say "the effect I got intentionally", they would just say "the effect I got".

Overall:

Imma go free-flow.

The main thing that confuses me about this chapter is why they are involved in this fight. Crystall felt something strange, so Katrina decided she was curious and went in? Like, they could probably have guessed there was serious danger as everyone was fleeing and it's unclear why they'd see themselves as particularly equipped to deal with the problem. As Crystall says towards the end, I haven't seen the full extent of his power. As a result, I don't really know why they are the fit for this situation.

Then there's the fact that they're civilians and this building seems to have been cleared. Shops have staff, who would presumably have called the police and generally be trying to keep the civilians safe by preventing them going in. Where was the argument with the staff, or them sneaking in?

It's clear that the reason they were in there was to introduce the new centaur, but it because of all this it just ends up feeling a bit forced. Maybe if Crystall murmured something about suspecting the only thing that could be capable of this much power - which would build suspense and provide motivation. They could then sneak in and Crystall could show extreme dread as he realises what's probably going on, then has his fears confirmed.

Once the centaur is introduced, however, you do a good job of introducing the new baddie and his history with Crystall, with just little details here and there. You also end on a good cliffhanger that is likely to keep a reader reading, so good job there!

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




DragonNoir says...


Thanks for the feedback! The guards' position will be revealed, the staff members and the police will also get their time to shine. Trust me, this event will make a lot more sense once I get to Chapter 10. About the "retarded" bit, I never would use this as a slur, especially in a story. I can't help that this is how Katrina speaks naturally because of the area she comes from, because for her to say something more politically correct will put her out of character, because she is very direct when she speaks and thinks. Although I understand it is quite a rude thing to use, but I couldn't really see Katrina describing it as something else because of the vocabulary which I consider to be typical for her. I will make sure this won't repeat in the future, but this is only if I can get away with using an alternative.

The "(un)intentionally" part is kind of supposed to show that Katrina got the effect unintentionally, but decides to label it as intentional to save face. That was what I intended to do, but I kind of flopped I guess.

Once more, thank you for the feedback! :)



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Fri Sep 01, 2017 2:54 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Dragon! I'm back with a working laptop and ready to review.

I'm a bit split on this chapter, but I'll open by saying that your writing style has markedly improved. I don't know if it's due to the writing lessons that you mentioned before, but I can see how much more fluent you're getting. Even though your descriptions are still a little shaky, they're better structured and more informative than they were, and they're in better balance with the dialogue. You're leaps and bounds ahead of where you were when I first started reading your work.

Nevertheless, this chapter is slightly...odd. My overarching issue with The Ice Princess has always been the meandering nature of the plot - I've never been fully sure where the story was heading, and this chapter has only heightened the confusion. As a standalone, it's entertaining, but I'm not sure how it fits in with the story as a whole.

Still, I'll elaborate on those concerns at the end of the review. First comes the nitpicks!

Minor Comments

Boy, some crazy shit went down in that Ikea. Before you read any further, please remember: I was not drunk or high.


This does come down to personal preference, but I'm really not a fan of breaking the fourth wall like this. Rather than informing the reader that the story they're about to hear is crazy-weird, why not just get straight to the point and let us experience the weirdness for ourselves?

we were about halfway through the car park when everyone started running out of the shop in a panic.


How do they know they're in a panic? Be more specific. Are people screaming? Pushing at each other as they flood into the car park?

We entered the store, the silence inside was really disturbing and almost terrifying.


Comma splice. Change it to a full stop.

Suddenly, I noticed movement on my left.


There's nothing notably wrong with this, but it's quite clinical and non-specific prose. When you tell the reader what they noticed rather than how they noticed it, the writing is less evocative. Compare two examples:

I noticed that there was a spider on my arm.

I turned when something tickled my arm and saw a mass of spindly legs. I shrieked.

The second one, while far from brilliant, illustrates the process by which the narrator notices the spider - they feel something on their arm, turn, and scream at the sight. The first gives no such detail, which makes it plainer and less evocative.

Instead of just saying she noticed movement, be more specific about what the movement is and how she notices it. Does she see a dark flicker in the corner of her eye? Does she see a flash of brown - a drawer banging open and shut?

Crystall ran in and laid a single punch on it, but it was definitely enough to smash it into a billion pieces.


I've talked to you before about using appropriate verbs for the situation. 'Laid' is not an effective way to describe a punch. In my mind, the verb conjures care and delicacy - laying plates at a table, for example. If Crystall threw or hurled a punch into the drawer, we'd get a much better sense of the impact.

“I won't be attacking the furniture, I've got you to do that. I'll attack the person who's doing this with the knives.”


I don't think it's necessary to keep that last bit considering we know she's talking about the knives.

Crystall had a faster reflex than I did, so [Crystall] quickly grabbed it out of my hand and threw it to the other side of the room


As a PSA, the better way to phrase it would be 'Crystall had faster reflexes than I did', but I think you should scrap that bit entirely. By telling us how fast he is, you actually slow the action down. It would be better if you just had him grab the pillow and hurl it away - we'll glean from his actions that he's a quicker thinker than Katrina.

I soon realised that wouldn't be the nicest thing to say when he's my only defence against the Monster Furniture (I must sound so mad right now).


1) Tense slippage. You mean 'he was'.

2) I don't think you should keep alluding to how 'weird' and 'mad' the events are. It feels like you're forcing it on the reader, like you don't trust us to form our own opinion. Just tell the story. Act like the audience isn't there.

I knew subconsciously that the fridge section will most likely be the death of me, but I needed to know what was going on. I was curious, ok? Besides, I had a strong centaur at my side, so I thought everything would be fine!


I'd delete this paragraph. Doesn't feel necessary at all. It just feels like you trying to justify the events to the reader.

Also, when you're writing in past tense and talking about something probable or likely, you use 'would', not 'will'. 'Will' is used in present tense. To be clear:

Present tense: I know subconsciously that the fridge section will most likely be the death of me.

Past tense: I knew subconsciously that the fridge section would most likely be the death of me.

As TIQ is in past tense, it should be the second one. This is an error you tend to make a lot, so pay close attention to it in future.

Anyways, when we creeped into the fridge section, Crystall said:


Should be 'crept'. You only get 'creeped' when you're talking about being creeped out.

I suddenly realised a correlation across all of the Monster Furniture.

“They only move with our backs to them! Am I a genius now?”


But the pillow grew teeth when she was holding it, didn't it? She didn't have her back to it then.

“Caen is 29 in human years, bu he lives for much longer than that because of how we convert between Centaur and Human years.”


You could explain this in a way that's less clearly expository, I think. If he just said 'Caen's quite a bit older than he looks' or something else simple, it would seem a bit more natural.

I must say though, the Monster Furniture made some proper retarded noises


This bit made me...a bit uncomfortable. 'Retarded' is a pretty socially insensitive descriptor. Maybe Katrina is the sort of person that would use it, but you should be aware that a lot of people will be upset by that sort of language.

On a technical note, it also tells us nothing specific about the sound. Subjective description is not very good at painting a picture. I'd prefer you told us what kind of sound it was. A gargling? Gibbering? Snorting?

I quickly grabbed what was closest to hand: a brush. A fucking brush.


Loved this bit! Made me giggle.

I looked that way as instructed, my eyes widened at the sight I witnessed.


1) Comma splice. Change it to a full stop.

2) You don't need that last bit. Just labours the point.

“W- who are you?!” I demanded, my heart raced as the centaur took a step forwards, his hooves


His hooves what?

Overall Thoughts

1) Like I said, the writing is better, but it is still on the clinical side. There's a lot of describing what happens rather than how things happen, which means that the action scenes feel like listed events rather than actual, visceral experiences. It comes down to using the senses more and being specific. If a character falls to the floor and hurts themselves, that's clinical. If a character crashes against the cold linoleum and hits their jaw so hard their teeth clack, that's involved. Get in close. Specificity specificity specificity.

2) If I could sum up my feelings about the chapter as a whole, I'd say it feels sort of like a bottle episode. Or a filler. It's humorous, out of the blue and altogether enjoyable, but I can't see where it fits in with the story as a whole. It feels like a random, anecdotal scene - unless, of course, the spectral centaur is going to become a key character in the rest of the plot, but I didn't get that impression.

I don't know how long you plan Ice Queen to be, but I am a bit concerned about the trajectory of the story. Nine chapters in and I'm still not fully sure what it's about. I know the setting and the characters, but not where any of them are actually heading. When I plan books, I always write myself a two-to-three sentence summary of the plot; it helps me isolate the arc and find out what the story is about in the simplest terms. My current project, for example, would be: 'Girl's brother is accused of committing a crime that could start a war. It falls to her to help him prove his innocence'. Line one describes the spark; line two describes the arc.

In the case of TIQ, I think you have a spark - the appearance of Crystall - but no clear arc. This means it feels quite aimless to read. You need some kind of goal and endgame, a natural conclusion to the progression of the characters. This is my main concern at the moment.

3) I liked Katrina and Crystall's banter in this chapter. It felt more like they were interacting as actual friends rather than just respective love interests, which I've definitely been waiting for. Crystall was a bit sassier than he has been, but that isn't a bad thing. It's good to see his personality coming out.

I'll call the review there. Sorry it took so long; technical difficulties are a pain in the ass. I did enjoy the chapter as a standalone thing, but I'm apprehensive about where it fits into the whole story. Nevertheless, good job on improving the balance in your writing and the ease of the dialogue. As always, I'm looking forward to more.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




DragonNoir says...


Thanks for the feedback!

I will try my best to improve my writing further. Glad to know it's improving!

I will repeat what I said to Bisc above, Katrina's natural dialect would mean she'd say that, but I will make sure I avoid writing those kind of things in the future, unless I can't get away with putting in an alternative word and still having her stay in character. Of course, I never meant to insult anyone with this.

Ice Queen is definitely going to be pretty long, from what I imagined. By Chapter 10, it should be clear where the story will be heading. There will be a few new important characters introduced over the next few chapters, including Crystall's father.

Katrina and Crystall were only pretending to act like lovers in front of Nate to make sure Katrina's lie isn't compromised.

Thank you very much for reading and for the feedback! :)




mashed potatoes are v a l i d
— Liminality