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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

The Ice Queen Chapter 2

by DragonNoir


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Chapter 2:

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

Those words resonated within me. I slowly stood up and walked into my dining room, welcomed by the sight of my horse friend still standing outside the garden door.

“Can I come in?” he asked politely. I was slightly flattered by his courtesy.

“Y- yeah… Sure…” I struggled to speak. Although, inside my head, I was slapping myself yelling:

You bloody idiot!! Why are you inviting a fucking horse into your house?!

The horse-boy walked through the door, his hooves making a bit of a mess wherever he stepped. At least he had the courtesy to close the door behind him, despite nearly knocking my dining table over. He turned around from the door and looked at me with a friendly smile, though I was still trembling. Suddenly, a bright white light surrounded him, I quickly closed my eyes and twirled so that my back was facing the light. I covered my eyes with my hands too, just in case. When the light finally died out, I turned around to see my now-not-so-horsey friend. He now had Human legs, and yes, he had some black boxers on. I didn’t particularly want to ask him where he got them from. His legs were just as muscular as the rest of his body.

“S- so,” I said. As I did, I realised that it was me being the timid one now. “W- what’s your name?”

“Crystallos.” he replied, smiling clemently. “But you can call me Crystall.”

“Well, n- nice to meet you, Crystall. I’m Katrina.”

“Nice to meet you too, Katrina.”

“W- wanna have a seat?” I gestured at my sofa, my hand shaking uncontrollably. Crystall nodded slowly and we sat down next to each other. I quickly moved over a bit, just so that the conversation wouldn’t get more awkward that it already was.

“So, h- how’d you get here?” I asked. Crystall looked down at the floor, his smile was wiped clean off his face. I could see a small tear rolling down his cheek, followed by gradually bigger tears as he began sobbing quietly. I began panicking.

“I- I’m sorry!” I cuddled him without thinking, his body was about as hot in temperature as a furnace. “I didn’t know it was going to make you cry! You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to!”

“It’s ok.” Crystall smiled at me through his tears. His smile was so warm, it made his body look cold. I wiped the tears from his cheeks softly, his skin was extremely smooth. I moved away from him and decided to carry on asking him, though I knew deep down that it wasn’t a very good idea. I just couldn’t keep my curiosity chained.

“Why did you pick my house to stay in?” I asked softly.

“I saw your performance, it was amazing.” Crystall replied quietly. I felt extremely flattered by the complement. “So, I decided to follow you here.”

My eyes widened slightly, making him chuckle quietly.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. I looked around in shock, before whispering into Crystall’s ear:

“Go hide in my bedroom upstairs. It’s the room to your right as you leave the stairs. Go in there and hide in my wardrobe, but be warned; you’ll be there for a while.”

“I’ll be fine.” Crystall whispered back, before quietly sneaking upstairs, while a second knock came from the door. I quickly ran to the kitchen to grab a wet cloth, which I used to clean up Crystall’s hoofprints. There was a third knock.

“Give me a second!” I yelled. After I finally finished, I quickly threw the cloth into the kitchen sink and dashed to the door. I opened it to see my mother standing outside in her cream-coloured, fur-lined coat.

“Surprise!!” she squealed, showing me a bottle of Martini champagne.

“Mother…” I was absolutely gob-smacked.

“And not only that!” came a familiar voice from behind her. Then, Nate jumped out from behind her, making me jump a bit. He wore the same coat he wore at the competition and carried two bottles of Bailey's.

“You idiot! Stop doing that! You know I hate it!” I laughed. “Either way, come in!”

I let my two guests in and helped them to a seat by the dining table. After I hung their coats up, being the very kind and humble host I was, I joined them at the table, where my mother kissed and hugged the life out of me. Not that I had anything against it.

“Mum,” I began. “Where's dad?”

“Oh, you know him, dear. He's always asleep at this time.” my mother replied.

“I guess that's a good thing because I won't have to listen to his lectures. I've already got this one pushing me over the line!” I gestured at Nate, who chuckled in response.

“You did amazing, Katrina. You beat your personal best and the world record!” Nate said.

“I know! I still can't believe it!” I don't think I was ever that happy in my life.

“So what plans do you have for the next program?” my mother asked.

“Well, I want to expand my horizons a bit, so I'm deciding to change my double Axel to a triple Axel-”

“Are you mad?!” Nate exclaimed. “You want to break the record for the Free Program too?” we all burst out laughing.

“Why not?” I laughed, “And that's not it! I'm also changing my triple Toe Loop to a quad-”

“Katrina,” Nate suddenly turned very serious. “I don't want you to hurt yourself. If you can show me that you can perform a quadruple Toe Loop three times perfectly tomorrow at training, then I'll allow you to put it into your program. The same goes for the Axel. You can't afford to fail after such a good start to the Finals.”

“Yeah I know… At least I didn't change it to a quadruple Salchow, though!”

“However, I was almost expecting you to do that.” my mother said, before all three of us giggled. My mum had her fair share of Figure Skating knowledge. She even was my coach for a while until Nate showed up. He's a friend of my dad's co-worker. They recommended Nate to go and help me out and I don't think I was ever that grateful for someone else's kindness.

“Anything else you're planning to change?” Nate asked.

“Nope, that's it, I think. If I find something that should be changed, then I'll make sure I tell you.” I replied

“The skaters nowadays are breaking new grounds every day.”

“What do you mean by that? No one’s performed a quadruple Axel in competition yet, and no one has done a quintuple jump either.”

“They may have not,” my mother answered. “But they have performed other quad jumps. That would’ve been a dream when Figure Skating was first introduced in the 19th Century.”

“I see your point, Figure Skating has evolved a lot since its recognition as a sport.”

We then carried on for the next hour or so to talk about my mum’s and Nate’s skating careers, from which I didn't necessarily learn anything new. Not that I mean to brag, but I do my research.

After my guests finally left, I was about to go upstairs to my room, but I turned and looked at my expensive TV in the living room. I grabbed the remote and turned on the news channel, where I saw the one thing I was partially expecting:

Last week in Cornwall, a group of farmers claimed that they saw some sort of tribe of men with horse bodies in their nearby forests. They claim to have wiped out the entire tribe, which the Cornish Police have not yet confirmed and are still searching the Cornwall area for any more of these Horse-Men. The police say that they can’t rely on the witness of the farmers alone, because it has been revealed that they have a tendency for dementia, as mentioned by their wives, children and GPs.”A police officer suddenly appeared on the screen and began expanding on what the reporter said earlier:

We surveyed the entire area inside and and around the forest and it is possible that some of the Horse-Men escaped. We can confirm that there definitely was a group living in the forest, but we cannot yet confirm whether they were actually part horse, or whether they just rode on horseback. We also can’t yet confirm whether there any of them are still alive.

I turned off the TV. I heard enough.

I walked upstairs to my room, where I expected to find Crystall. The room had one large, black wardrobe left of the entrance and a large window just opposite the wardrobe. In between the two was a large double bed, all for me. I opened the first door, he wasn't there. I moved on to the next, still not there. I sighed and was about to leave the room, when I was suddenly given an unpleasant jumpscare. Crystall stood in the entrance, and was clearly amused by me being spooked.

“A’ight, let's get one thing straight,” I said, putting my hand against my chest to see whether I was still alive. Mh breathing pattern was disturbed greatly. “Don't you fucking dare do that again! I hate jumpscares and I will be prepared to cut you if you underestimate me!”

“Ok,” Crystall replied calmly. “I won't do it again.”

I felt kind of guilty for being so harsh on him.

“So… Where do you want to sleep?”

“Maybe on the fl-”

“Out of the question; you're not an animal. I mean, if you want to sleep in my bed, I could go down to sleep on the sofa-”

“Oh no, it's your bed, so you have to sleep on it. I'll sleep on the sofa downstairs. Goodnight, Kind-hearted Katrina.” Crystall walked downstairs, as I began getting dressed into a pyjama version of my Eros costume (the one I used for my Short Program). My mother’s sister made it for me by my request, bless her soul.

As I got under my duvet, I began thinking about Crystall.

I don't know what led me to letting him in, I thought. But I feel like I won't regret listening to it. 

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this new chapter! I look forwards to any feedback and I'd like to give a HUGE thank you to @wallacies for being my beta reader for this story! They helped me a lot! Once more, I hope this new chapter was enjoyable! :)


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Sun Jun 04, 2017 11:16 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey Dragon,

Nit-picks first:

I was slightly flattered by his courtesy.

This is a bit tell-y, and "slightly" doesn't really sound like something a person would say about themselves. I think tell-y would be ok given the narrative viewpoint, but in order to emphasise that to make it feel right, you'd have to say something like "His courtesy was actually a little flattering" so that it sounds more like speech to the reader.

Although, inside my head, I was slapping myself yelling:

You bloody idiot!! Why are you inviting a fucking horse into your house?!

"inside my head" is a bit clunky. I think "in" instead of "inside" would do the trick. It also seems a bit much to separate this out so much, and if you just have a comma instead of a colon and it starting on the same line I think it would flow better.

“Crystallos.” he replied, smiling clemently.

That first full stop should be a comma. Also I don't know what clemently means and I can't guarantee another reader would. Try describing what the smile actually looked like on his face.

wouldn’t get more awkward thatn it already was.


“I saw your performance, it was amazing.” Crystall replied quietly. I felt extremely flattered by the complement.

I know she widens her eyes a second later, but I definitely think there should be some internal monologue about how frightening that is, cos I'm pretty sure that would be frightening. Like, he's basically a stalker.

I felt kind of guilty for being so harsh on him.

This is also a bit tell-y. Maybe have his reaction be more apologetic so that the reader can see why she's guilty.

Overall:

Character: Katrina is consistent, so well done for that. I've also got a bit more about her mum and Nate, which I'm very happy about. Currently I'm really disagreeing with Katrina about Crystall. He seems very creepy. Like, he showed up outside her house because he liked her performance, which means he either followed her or stalked her to find her address. Honestly, if I was her I'd be scared right now. I like the relationship you have between them though, so I definitely think you want to find a way to square these two things.

Setting: I mean, it's someone's house. Maybe something about how posh or cheap the furniture is? But there's only so much importance a house can have in this particular scenario.

Plot: This is definitely very interesting, and it will be interesting to see how the figure skating comes into play with the horse-men. I still find it quite amusing that we're reading each other's sports stories almost completely by accident xD

Flow: I think this is covered in nit-picks. Actually, maybe her inviting Crystall in was a bit rushed. I think you should have described him a bit more, and the air outside. Maybe she thought he couldn't stay out in the cold. I think I'd need some reason to believe why she would so quickly take him in.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Sun Jun 04, 2017 9:14 am
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, DragonNoir! Here to review as promised. I have read the first chapter, but seeing as there are already three reviews on that I thought I'd just critique this one. Those three reviews cover most of what I'd have wanted to say anyway.

I'm liking the story so far. I'm a real sucker for magical realism and I love to see fantasy elements juxtaposed with real life. The ice skating element is curious too, and I assume it's going to have some greater significance in the story as it develops. I'd definitely encourage doing some wider reading on that subject if you haven't already though; maybe try and find some autobiographies from figure skaters and get a sense of different experiences. My knowledge of figure skating doesn't really go beyond what I've learnt from Yuri on Ice, so I won't be able to help that much with fact checking, and nor will many other reviewers I imagine. It's on you to make sure it's accurate. No pressure though! :P

On the note of Yuri on Ice, my first point would be to definitely remove the mention of the 'eros costume' in this piece. I love the show, and so do many others, which means that that spot of unoriginality won't go unnoticed by a lot of readers. The Eros routine is such a key theme in Yuri on Ice that to use it in your own figure skating story feels at best lazy and at worst like underhand copying. I get that you won't have been intending that, but it will be much better if you develop your own themes for Katrina's routines.

Anyway, with that out of the way, let's get on with the main part of the review!

“Can I come in?” he asked politely. I was slightly flattered by his courtesy.


Unnecessary adverb! We know he's being polite from the dialogue. Trust in your reader to infer.

Suddenly, a bright white light surrounded him, I quickly closed my eyes and twirled so that my back was facing the light. I covered my eyes with my hands too, just in case. When the light finally died out, I turned around to see my now-not-so-horsey friend. He now had Human legs, and yes, he had some black boxers on.


Three things:

1) 'Human' doesn't need a capital letter in that context.
2) It does make it simpler that he's wearing boxers, but I feel like there's real missed potential for an awkward scene where she has to run and find clothes or a sheet for him! Besides, it does seem a bit strange that clothes would somehow survive the shape shifting process.
3) If he can transform to look completely human, why on earth would he come to her house as a centaur? Surely she'd be less likely to freak out and send him away if he looked like an ordinary person? It doesn't make a great deal of sense, unless he has some hidden motive for introducing her to the world of fantasy.

“Crystallos.” he replied


The dialogue is almost there, but you should have a comma rather than a full stop after 'Crystallos'.

Also, another note. I think you overdo Katrina's stammering throughout her conversation with Crystallos. Yes, she's nervous, but stammering isn't the only way to show it and it isn't as common as you think. Rather than just tripping over the same word ("S-so") she might be more likely to:

-Start saying something and then start saying something else (e.g. "So you're- I mean, I'm just wondering- how did you say you got here?")
-Ramble and say too much.

There are different ways to show nerves, but make them occasional things rather than something present in every line of dialogue. It just gets a bit too obvious if you do it all the time.

I could see a small tear rolling down his cheek, followed by gradually bigger tears as he began sobbing quietly. I began panicking.


I noticed this a bit with Que Sera Sera as well, but you have a tendency to make your characters...overreact a bit? This bit was very bizarre to read because one simple question takes him from mild-mannered to sobbing in seconds, and we don't really get any indication of his fear or anxiety prior to his breakdown. I think it would be much more realistic if, for example, he just got a bit quiet when she asked him how he'd got there, like it wasn't something he wanted to talk about. If you want him to start crying, you'll have to build up to it and show his declining mood by way of a longer conversation.

I wiped the tears from his cheeks softly, his skin was extremely smooth.


I know Katrina has the hots for him, but everything in moderation. It's surely not likely that she'd touch the face of a horse-boy stranger who'd shown up randomly at her house and started sobbing on her sofa, because it's an incredibly intimate gesture. Social distance holds people back. Also, given the suddenness of the breakdown, I'd think she'd be more awkward and wary than anything else.

Also this sentence is a comma splice. You should have a full stop or a semi-colon after 'softly' rather than a comma.

“And not only that!” came a familiar voice from behind her. Then, Nate jumped out from behind her, making me jump a bit. He wore the same coat he wore at the competition and carried two bottles of Bailey's.


If she heard him speaking before he jumped out, why would it make her jump? She'd know it was coming.

“The skaters nowadays are breaking new grounds every day.”

“What do you mean by that? No one’s performed a quadruple Axel in competition yet, and no one has done a quintuple jump either.”

“They may have not,” my mother answered. “But they have performed other quad jumps. That would’ve been a dream when Figure Skating was first introduced in the 19th Century.”

“I see your point, Figure Skating has evolved a lot since its recognition as a sport.”


There's something about this conversation that doesn't feel authentic enough. Maybe it's too formal? I'm not totally sure, but I don't read this and think: casual conversation with a family member and a friend. They don't seem at ease with each other.

Also, it's worth pointing out that Katrina seems very level-headed about the fact that there is a horse-boy hiding in her wardrobe upstairs. Would she not be a bit distracted throughout the conversation? It seems unlikely she'd be content to sit and chat about skating as she normally would; she'd surely be on edge.

Last week in Cornwall, a group of farmers claimed that they saw some sort of tribe of men with horse bodies in their nearby forests.


Would the news really report something like that? If this is set in a world that is outwardly like our own, with magic being something that people don't believe in, I think it's more likely that a story like that would be censored until authorities had a better understanding of what the heck was going on. It's also unlikely that police officers would approach the farmers' claims in such a measured way; they would regard them with the outlook that the appearance of centaurs was impossible - because to them, it is.

Mh breathing pattern was disturbed greatly.


I think your expression is sometimes too clinical for first person. This line reads like something from a medical report. Even something like 'I was breathing hard' would get the point across more simply.

That's it for the review. Your prose has improved a lot since the early days of Que Sera Sera - your dialogue punctuation is still a bit shaky, but you're getting much better, and you're writing more fluently all the time. Your main issue is realism, and specifically how to ensure your characters behave as people would rather than as you need them to for the convenience of the story. Characters should feel stubborn and immovable at times, and they should respond as sensitively to the events of the story as anybody would. Make that your main focus.

Hope this helped! I'll be on the lookout for future chapters to review.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




DragonNoir says...


Thank you for your feedback! I'll try my best to fix these errors in the future. About the Eros thing... At least I did a different routine? :D I'll make sure I'll be more original next time. And the skater biographies... I couldn't actually find any, or I'm just terrible at searching for things. I'm sorry for the errors I made and I'll make sure I do better in Chapter 3. Once more, thank you for your feedback! :)



Panikos says...


I've just googled some autobiographies. Here's some links if you're interested:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fire-Ice-Autob ... 0061153850
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Triumph-Ice-Au ... 055309775X
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00JHIPMIG/ ... TF8&btkr=1
The last one is for pair skating so it might not be as useful, but the others are for single female figure skaters. :)



DragonNoir says...


Thanks! I'll take a look at them when I can :)



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Sat Jun 03, 2017 7:39 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ dropping by for a short review :)

I thought that Katrina was a little unduly flattered by Crystall's politeness. The first instance seems understandable, since she didn't know what to expect. But once he transformed into a more 'human' being and had proven that he had manners, his compliment is more like one that you would say, "Thanks" to and maybe give a slight blush. But flattered? That seems like more of a stretch.

He wore the same coat he wore at the competition and carried two bottles of Bailey's.
Here, it seems a little strange that you (the author) would mention that he wore the same coat for two reasons- one, it's not really super necessary, but mainly, it wasn't mentioned in past chapters that Katrina took notice of his coat or even noticed that he was in the crowd.

And Nate's change seemed a little too sudden. Before he was very light-hearted, and as far as I can tell this isn't a super serious discussion that will for sure be implemented in her routine. I can understand that he is very concerned about Katrina's safety, but it might be a bit sudden. If he was a little less formal about it- maybe something like "We'll talk about it tomorrow, but I want to make sure you're safe" or if they're a little less boisterous before.

And finally,
My mum had her fair share of Figure Skating knowledge. She even was my coach for a while until Nate showed up. He's a friend of my dad's co-worker. They recommended Nate to go and help me out and I don't think I was ever that grateful for someone else's kindness.
This is a small information dump, and some of it isn't completely necessary. While it isn't a huge deal at least right now, it's good to be aware of it for future chapters so it doesn't get more severe to the point where it's a bad habit and needs to be immediately addressed.

Overall, I liked this chapter, especially the hints at how Katrina might have a crush on Crystall. I also liked the characters introduced here and developed, like Katrina's mom, Crystall, Nate, and even Katrina herself. Crystall brought a new and more mythical feel to the entire story, and it was a little bit funny how scared Katrina was when she saw Crystall. It could be even funnier if you made a bigger deal out of it and drew some attention to it. Either way, it's still a fantastic story. If you ever have any questions, you know where to find me :)

Best wishes,
MJ




DragonNoir says...


Thank you for your review! I really appreciate your feedback and I'll make sure I keep these points in mind when writing the next chapter. I'm glad you're enjoying it! :)




Obsessing over what you regret won't get you anywhere.
— Steggy