16+ Language

The Ice Queen Chapter 8

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Chapter 8:

“Katrina,” he said. “Get ready for the Cup of China!”

Nate hugged me tightly, I was still in shock. Soon, I quickly returned the favour and embraced him.

“Thank you, Nate,” I said. Nate then left my embrace and handed me the letter, a smile brightened his face. I sat down on the sofa and began tearing the envelope open; Caen and Crystall sat down on either side of me.

“What is it?” Crystall asked curiously.

“Give her a second,” Caen said.

I read the message aloud:

Dear Miss Stirling,

You have officially been entered into the ISU Team Trophy Figure Skating Competition. As a female skater, you have been assigned the Cup of China. However, since the dates have yet to be confirmed, we cannot give you any information. You have also been invited to a press conference on 4th September 2018, which starts at 12:00 AM in City Hall London. At the press conference, there will be your other teammates from the last Grand Prix Finals: pair skaters Charles Jenkins and Amelia Douglas, as well as Elizabeth Williams. We look forward to seeing you at the conference and will inform you as soon as possible when any dates are confirmed.

I looked up at Nate.

“Thank you for entering me in and all, but I’ve still haven’t got a single program ready, let alone any outfits,” Nate sighed.

“That’s my fault. I’m sorry about that.” 

“Oh, it’s fine! I’ll just have to start thinking sooner than I expected,” Then, I noticed something. “Wait… the 4th is in a week, right?”

“Yes it is,” Nate replied, looking at the calendar in his phone. I knew Crystall and Caen were at least slightly curious about what a phone was.

“FUCK! There’s no way I’m going to be able to think up two new programs in that time! What if they ask me about them during the conference?”

“You’ll think of something, I’m sure,” Crystall smiled. His optimism was really helpful and inspiring.

“Thank you, I’m blessed to have someone like you by my side.”Nate left with warm wishes of good luck.

“Good luck at the conference! I’ll have other things to attend to at that time, so I won’t be able to be there. Either way, good luck and break a leg!”

I’ll need it. I thought.

Of course, I had to introduce Caen to the notion that he’ll have to sleep either on the floor or on a sofa, which I didn’t feel particularly happy to do in case he got a bit angry because of this. I decided to lead them out into my garden, for two main reasons: 1, it seemed like a nice place to have a good ol’ chat and 2, I wanted to show off how nice my plants were. When we walked out into the garden, the boys decided to switch to their centaur forms. Not that I had anything against it, I just felt like I was Peter Dinklage standing next to Robert Wadlow in two people.

My garden was quite spacious; it had 25 square metres. It was also filled with flowers and one tree. Yes, there was one tree; a sycamore tree in fact. Among the flowers were red and white roses, tulips and daffodils. However, there was one particular plant I liked. In the centre of the garden - to which led a neat patio path - was a large wooden frame, under which was a large table and a few seats. Over the entire frame, I had a huge wisteria drooping down. Of course, my two centaur friends were intrigued and studied it; they brushed their hands across the branches and sniffed the flowers. Crystall had the pleasure of getting a petal or two in the eye when the wind blew; his response was so cute. To be fair, I thought everything about him was cute. And that was the difference between my opinion on Crystall and my opinion on Caen: in my eyes, Crystall is very pure and very cute and Caen is very big and very hot. Also, there was something I noticed on the patio: wherever Caen placed his hooves, there’d be a few cracks in the floor beneath him. This did happen for Crystall too, but not as clearly.

We sat down on the other side of the frame, under the sycamore tree. I was still so small compared to them when they were lying down, although Crystall and I were level with each other. I sat down between them, both of them put their arms around my shoulders. My God, I wish I had a photographer at that point.

“Caen…” I began. I was trying to hide my fear of his reaction.

“Yes?” Caen turned to me, smiling.

“I’m afraid y-you might have to sleep on the floor- or you c-could sleep on the sofa!”

Caen chuckled.

“It’s really not that much of a big deal. We’re used to sleeping on the ground.”

I sighed in relief, Caen and Crystall laughed in response. I loved those guys, I wished everything would stay like this for the rest of my life.

***

A day before the press conference, I had received a letter, informing me that the female competition has been transferred to the Rostelecom Cup in Germany. As well as that, Nate and I decided to not put Crystall forth to the Grand Prix yet, although people might get offended that not a single male skater is participating in Team GB. Also, I cleaned out a spare room of all unnecessary stuff (like small cupboards and stuff like that), which we used as our training room. Me and Crystall would do different stretches and exercise in there, Caen would be there to motivate and help us a bit.

Crystall and I spent more time on the ice too; I tried teaching him basic Senior step sequences and other vital elements, but he seemed much better at jumps and spins than step and spiral sequences, which was a real problem. Although jumps and spins do get you more points technical-wise, they don’t give you as much presentation score as a step or spiral sequence. Either way, I knew how to start planning our sessions and what their content should be.

I also spent a lot of time on my routines. I passed on my orders for outfits and organised soundtracks. Of course, I’m not going to tell you what I picked because I’m not that kind. What I can say is that I tried to push myself with my routines; I was considering going quadruple with a Toe Loop, but that was a bit crazy considering I still find a triple Axel challenging. I thought about it either way; you never know what might happen in the future.

***

On the day of the press conference, I arrived sharply at 11:35 AM at City Hall. I managed to meet up with Elizabeth and met two new skaters - a couple. Their names were Charles Jenkins and Amelia Douglas, although they didn’t seem very interested in meeting me. They were mostly worried about themselves and what questions they’d be asked. Literally, their conversations happened like this:

“But what if they ask us how we met?!” Amelia asked. She acted as if this was some dramatic scene in Romeo and Juliet.

“Then we shall speak the truth, the truth and nothing but the truth.” Charles replied, equally dramatic. I was really scared for their mental health, but I kept that to myself. I understood they were probably awesome people underneath that weirdness. Most of mine and Elizabeth’s conversation was about hot skaters we wanted to see if we made it to the Finals. Of course, I could only dream of getting with them, because I really didn’t want to upset Crystall. Plus, Nate and my mum would get triggered.

After about ten years of waiting, the security guards finally got all the reporters in and our team sat in a row at the front, facing them. I could tell all four of us were nervous, but I knew most of the questions would probably be aimed at me.

The first question sounded:

“Katrina, why isn’t there a solo male skater in the team, yet you have two solo females?” a man asked.

“I’m not the one organising the team so don’t ask me. I’m guessing it might be because no one put themselves forward,” I replied honestly.

“Elizabeth, do you think you’ll be able to climb as high as Katrina?” a woman fired out. Elizabeth looked at me, troubled.

“Erm…” she slowly uttered. “I’d like to think that. But I’m just not as confident as her. She’s my inspiration and she’s really amazing; I’ll never be able to come even near her kind of standard,” she got more and more confident in her words, which made me blush and I was almost on the verge of tears. This girl is amazing.

“Katrina, would you consider yourself a feminist and why?” another woman called.

“I wouldn’t call myself a feminist, simply because I don’t like to associate myself to another group which doesn’t portray exactly what I believe and I also prefer to be independent. Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than 100% for equal rights for women and men, but I don’t consider myself a feminist.” I answered quite frankly.

“Katrina, what do you think of Donald Trump?” a man yelled.

“I’m not a fan, but que sera sera. We’re going to have to just deal with him and that’s the moral of the story. Also, maybe a little less question directed at me please? There’s a freshly-baked pair over there,” I pointed at Charles and Amelia. I could already tell they were planning how they would murder me. Another few questions were fired at Elizabeth, Charles and Amelia until I got the deadly question:

“Katrina, what are your new programs going to reflect?” Of course, I had to make something up on the spot.

“They talk about growth,” I replied. “The Short Program is about someone being new to a community. They try desperately to fit in but they stick out like a sore thumb and are made fun of. The Free Program is about that someone evolving into, metaphorically speaking, a beautiful swan and shows that they too can be beautiful.”

I even got a round of applause for that one, so I was very proud of myself.

Although, there was one question I regretted answering:

“Katrina, how do you feel about Ashley Chen, your American rival?” a man asked.“Do you want me to be kind and make my answer PG or should I be honest and include curse words?” I replied.

“Keep it PG, please.”

“I hope she gets hit by a truck,” I smiled sarcastically.

When I got home, I already began regretting my choices as I read through a small pile of letters from Ashley’s fans. Although I’d get them on rare occasions, I never got so many in such a short time. Crystall could clearly tell I was slowly breaking apart and was on the verge of tears, while Caen encouraged him to talk to me. I wanted to thank him for wanting the best for our relations. Crystall sat down next to me on the sofa and leaned towards me, putting his arm around me.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s nothing.” I replied. “It’s not like I these letters are telling me to cut myself and to smash my head onto the ice and die. It’s not like those letters make me want to put a knife through my throa-”

Crystall pulled me into his chest before I could finish.

“Don’t say that,” he said. “Please don’t. I… I need you too much to let you die on me.”

I began sobbing, thanking God and cursing my personality. I wanted to speak, but my tears suppressed any attempt of that.

Thank you, Crystall.

Author's Note: Thanks for surviving this extra long chapter! I'll try making Chapter 9 a bit shorter. I'm curious of what you guys think of this chapter (and how long the list of mistakes is)! Please review, I hope you enjoyed what you read and thank you so much for reading!

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User avatar
Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review · Wed Jul 12, 2017 9:59 am

Hi, Dragon. I've been eagerly anticipating this new chapter!

I'm sort of in two minds about it. I like that it's longer, actually - it gives you more space to explore the scenes, which helps the pacing. I like that it has a slightly different feel to it, as well, with a better balance between dialogue and prose and several unfolding events. That said, there's still a lot of...weirdness in this chapter. A couple of hiccups in realism, as well as some jarring shifts in tone. It's nothing that can't be sorted, but changes will be in order.

Anyway, onto the review. Nitpicks first!

Nate hugged me tightly, I was still in shock. Soon, I quickly returned the favour and embraced him.


Comma splice. Maybe change it to: Nate hugged me tightly. I was still in shock or perhaps Nate hugged me tightly, but I was still in shock.

“Thank you for entering me in and all, but I’ve still haven’t got a single program ready, let alone any outfits,” Nate sighed.

“That’s my fault. I’m sorry about that.”


He's her coach! He'd know if she didn't have any programs ready, and there's no way that he'd enter her for a massive international tournament when she wasn't prepared for it, especially without consulting her. Why is he so out of the loop with her training?

“You’ll think of something, I’m sure,” Crystall smiled. His optimism was really helpful and inspiring.

“Thank you, I’m blessed to have someone like you by my side.”


Not to be rude to poor old Crystall, but how would saying that ease her nerves at all? When I'm bogged down by deadlines and stressed to hell, people telling me that they're 'sure I'll be fine' is absolutely no help. It's supportive, but it doesn't do anything to solve the problem.

You can have Crystall be imperfect. It would feel much more realistic if Katrina, while appreciating that he was trying to be helpful, wasn't at all eased by his optimism. In any case, her response is a too twee for my tastes. It feels like every interaction between the two of them has to be sweet and perfect in order to remind us how much they like each other, even though real life interactions between couples are much more casual.

My garden was quite spacious; it had 25 square metres


I'm not sure that's the right way to express it. Maybe write it as: My garden was quite spacious, about twenty-five square meters.

Over the entire frame, I had a huge wisteria drooping down.


Clunky expression. You could have it as something like: Wisteria drooped over the entire frame. Never stop looking for tighter, more concise ways to express things.

Crystall had the pleasure of getting a petal or two in the eye when the wind blew; his response was so cute.


What was his response? Describe it so we can picture the cuteness ourselves!

And that was the difference between my opinion on Crystall and my opinion on Caen: in my eyes, Crystall is very pure and very cute and Caen is very big and very hot.


This is a bit out of the blue, and quite unnecessary. I'd delete it, but it's your call.

I had received a letter, informing me that the female competition has been transferred to the Rostelecom Cup in Germany


Tense slippage. It should be 'the female competition had been transferred', not 'has'.

As well as that, Nate and I decided to not put Crystall forth to the Grand Prix yet, although people might get offended that not a single male skater is participating in Team GB.


Delete this. After a few weeks of skating, there's no way Nate and her would've even been considering entering him. I don't see why anyone would be offended that Great Britain didn't have a male figure skater, either. It's not like we're renowned for the sport.

Of course, I could only dream of getting with them, because I really didn’t want to upset Crystall. Plus, Nate and my mum would get triggered.


Why? She's an adult. I can see a mother possibly fussing about it, but why would her coach have any say in her dating life?

“Katrina, why isn’t there a solo male skater in the team, yet you have two solo females?” a man asked.

“I’m not the one organising the team so don’t ask me. I’m guessing it might be because no one put themselves forward,” I replied honestly.


Would they ask her this? The answer is so obvious that it seems strange journalists would be bursting to quiz her on it.

“Katrina, would you consider yourself a feminist and why?” another woman called.


This is very out of the blue. Why would they ask her this? It's got nothing to do with skating.

“Katrina, what do you think of Donald Trump?” a man yelled.


And this has even less to do with skating! She's not even American, so I can't think of a single reason why they would ask her about him. It sort of feels like you were using Katrina as a mouthpiece for the political opinions that were on your mind while you were writing!

“I hope she gets hit by a truck,” I smiled sarcastically.


So much for sportsmanship. I know she's rash, but it's beyond idiotic for her to say this to a bunch of journalists.

When I got home, I already began regretting my choices as I read through a small pile of letters from Ashley’s fans.


Letters? Those arrived quickly! Would it not make more sense for her to be getting hate on Twitter or something else more instantaneous?

“Oh, it’s nothing.” I replied. “It’s not like I these letters are telling me to cut myself and to smash my head onto the ice and die. It’s not like those letters make me want to put a knife through my throa-”


That's surely a bit extreme. She's been pretty impervious to criticism until now, never seeming to give a hoot about what people thought of her. I can understand that she'd feel upset about it, but saying she wanted to kill herself because of hate mail is a bit of a stretch.

Overall Points

-I find it a bit strange that she's suddenly so close and matey with Caen. They haven't really known each other that long. Sitting in the garden and throwing their arms around each other's shoulders is very familiar for people who've known each other a few days.

-The press conference is the most jarring bit of the piece. So many of the questions were just so random. Maybe go on YouTube and find some videos of skating conferences to get a feel for what kind of topics come up. It'll help you with the realism. Either way, the Trump and feminism questions should definitely be cut.

-You seemed to be trying to garner sympathy for Katrina at the end, but it didn't really work for me. Obviously it's an awful thing to send death threats and hate mail to anyone, but she did literally say that she wanted Ashley to be hit by a truck. It's the same kind of comment as the ones people were sending her. My thoughts were somewhere in mind of 'don't dish it out if you can't take it', which meant that the sentimentality of the scene didn't really come off for me. It also felt a bit out of character for her to be so upset, given how blasé she is about most things.

Nevertheless, it was an interesting chapter to read. It held my interest well, and I'm curious to see where the story goes next. I like that Katrina is flawed, even if I don't particularly like her as a person. It's good to have a very imperfect protagonist.

Hope this helped!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

User avatar
ExOmelas
Review

Heyo!

Nit-picks and nice moments:

Soon, I quickly returned the favour

You don't need both "Soon" and "quickly".

which starts at 12:00 AM in City Hall London.

12am is midnight... :P

“Thank you for entering me in and all, but I’ve still haven’t got a single program ready, let alone any outfits,” Nate sighed.

I'm pretty sure Katrina said this but it reads like Nate did, which is a bit confusing.

I knew Crystall and Caen were at least slightly curious about what a phone was.

Nice little detail :)

“You’ll think of something, I’m sure,” Crystall smiled. His optimism was really helpful and inspiring.

“Thank you, I’m blessed to have someone like you by my side.”Nate left with warm wishes of good luck.

This is quite a sudden change and it doesn't quite feel believable. I'd like to see more of her thought process as she calms down. Also I think the bit about Nate's meant to be on a new line.

I had to introduce Caen to the notion that he’llhe'd have to sleep


which I didn’t feel particularly happy to do in case he got a bit angry because of this

That was a tad anticlimactic. Maybe use hyperbole for what she's worried he'll do to make it more dramatic.

both of them put their arms around my shoulders

Unless they're back in human form, I'm not sure their front limbs could really be classified as arms. I'm also not really sure how they would accomplish this without losing their balance.

As well as that, Nate and I decided to not put Crystall forth to the Grand Prix yet, although people might get offended that not a single male skater is participating in Team GB.

Wait were they considering putting him in a competition already? He's only been skating for a few weeks right?

Of course, I could only dream of getting with them, because I really didn’t want to upset Crystall.
But if they're not really dating, does that actually matter?

she slowly uttered

That doesn't really sound like an utter

I’m not a fan, but que sera sera.

I've been meaning to say, I don't actually know what que sera sera means :P

“Katrina, how do you feel about Ashley Chen, your American rival?” a man asked.“Do you want me to be kind and make my answer PG or should I be honest and include curse words?” I replied.

These two bits of speech should be on different lines.

When I got home, I already began regretting my choices as I read through a small pile of letters from Ashley’s fans.

Wait how were there already letters when she got home?

Overall:

Character: First thing that springs to mind is that we need a lot more about this Elizabeth person. Have we ever met her before? Katrina ends up being quite emotional about her so we need more of a detailed introduction. That would help us be more invested and the emotion would then feel more powerful.

I'm starting to get a better sense of Crystall through contrast with Caen, which is good, but it still surprises me that he's not trying to get Crystall to go out and look for any other survivors with him.

Setting: I think I'd have liked a bit more at the start of the press conference scene. It would have settled me in and maybe got me feeling more nervous than I did, as it moved along rather fast there.

Your description of the garden just avoided becoming an infodump because it had character details, but be careful.

Plot: Sometimes in this chapter things happen and I just don't really understand why. Why would anybody care that there isn't a male skater? Why were they asking her about feminism? Or about Trump? One time when Usain Bolt was in Scotland a reporter asked him his view on Scottish Independence and you should have seen his face :P

I think this should be split into a couple of chapters. Not just because it's long, because I actually didn't think it was too long, but just because so much stuff happens. That way I would be focussed more on the press conference and be expecting drama to come there. It sort of took me off guard and it took me a moment to realise that this was the climax of the chapter and that it was going to have serious consequences. I think having her thinking about the consequences immediately after she says the thing about Ashley would also help.

Overall an enjoyable if a little confusing chapter :P

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)

User avatar
Atticus
Review
Atticus wrote a review · Tue Jul 11, 2017 9:12 pm

Hey there Dragon,
MJ back for another review. Since it's a longer chapter, my review will probably also be pretty long, so I'm just warning you now that you might have to scroll a bit :). Let's start with some nitpicky-type things and some overall grammar notes, then we can delve into some plot and character notes :)

“Thank you for entering me in and all, but I’ve still haven’t got a single program ready, let alone any outfits,” Nate sighed.
Since this isn't Nate saying the sentence (at least I assume so), he should be given his own paragraph, or it seems like Nate is saying the afore mentioned sentence.

“Thank you, I’m blessed to have someone like you by my side.”Nate left with warm wishes of good luck.
Same thing as what happened above. If the person doesn't say it, their action should not be in the same paragraph.

“Good luck at the conference! I’ll have other things to attend to at that time, so I won’t be able to be there. Either way, good luck and break a leg!”
Two things: 1, this was already discussed above when you said that Nate left with wishes of good luck, so it gets a little redundant, and 2, it would seem that this would be an event of such magnitude that Nate would make every attempt to be there.

Their names were Charles Jenkins and Amelia Douglas, although they didn’t seem very interested in meeting me. They were mostly worried about themselves and what questions they’d be asked. Literally, their conversations happened like this:
Okay, this was also a slightly strange way to have a conversation; it might be better if you had it happen in real time instead of telling a story as asn example. Just a personal thought. And you already mentioned their names before, so you don't need to put their full names in as directly.

“Katrina, how do you feel about Ashley Chen, your American rival?” a man asked.“Do you want me to be kind and make my answer PG or should I be honest and include curse words?” I replied.
New paragraph for a new speaker.

And as my final grammatical note, some of your paragraphs got pretty big, especially the one about the garden. Just something to keep in mind c:

Characters (I'm just gonna give you bullets here instead of making this TOO long)
Katrina:
-She went super hardcore on her question about her rival. That was quite unexpected and uncharacteristic, and I find it unlikely that she would have such a strong opinion about her demise and such a fierce rivalry over ice skating. I don't know if that was fitting.
-She seemed especially bitter towards the end, and understandably, but it was an unlikeable side of her.
-She mentioned a lot of the physical features of Caen and Crystall, almost disturbingly so. Maybe that's just me, but it seemed like a very romantic attraction that was suppressed, so basically a crush on two other-worldly beings while still friend-zoning them.
-I found it strange how afraid of Caen she was when she broke the news that he would have to sleep on a sofa/floor. It happened with Crystall, too, but she seemed like he was an aggressive giant. I missed a chapter, so maybe that explained it, but that was just my take.
Crystall:
-I would've liked to see more of his interaction with Caen and how he reacts to having to 'share' Katrina
-It would've been nice to see him reassuring Katrina before the press conference and after rather than just after.
Caen:
-Same thing as Crystall: more interaction
-Open up more so that the reader can get to know him
PLOT NOTES:
-When Katrina realized that the press conference was in a week, her first reaction(I don't have a program ready) was slightly odd. I would've thought she would worry about something else rather than programs.
-The press conference was both short and very political, strangely so. There were very few questions about skating and more about her personal views.
-Katrina answered both shortly and curtly, seeming to have more of a sarcastic flair and a little bit more spite than usual.
-The ending didn't really wrap up the chapter. It was sweet and sentimental, but was an oddly sentimental moment for the pair of them to exchange. That's pretty much purely personal view, so do with it as you want.

Anyway, sorry for having brief plot/character notes and a lot of grammatical errors, but hopefully it was still helpful, and I look forward to reading your future chapters :)



Everything has a consequence and every consequence leads to death.
— kattee