Hi, Dragon!
This is definitely the best chapter yet in my opinion. We're finally seeing the plot shift towards Crystall, which I'm glad of, and the fact that it's wrapped up in his disappearance makes it all the more interesting. Caen is well-handled; you capture his strangeness and distance from human customs quite subtly, which is always nice to see. The pacing is better. You don't overwhelm the reader at any point. In short, some awesome stuff happening in this chapter. I can tell you've been taking your reveiwers' advice on board.
I'll move onto specific comments. I'll probably get reeeally nitpicky seeing as this chapter is a lot better. That's just the way it goes.
the muscles in my legs were more dead than Michael Jackson
I felt bad for snickering at this. It was just so unexpected!
He didn’t even leave a note, and that was what got me proper stressed out.
The wording here is a tad clunky. Something like 'he didn't even leave a note, which was what stressed me out the most' would flow better.
Sidenote: contrary to Shota, I like the use of 'proper' as an intensifier because it's such a regional marker; it gives us a sense of Katrina's dialect.
I tried to calm myself down, but that was like trying to baptise a cat (Believe me, I tried it before. And don’t judge me based on what I do in my spare time)
'Believe' shouldn't have a capital letter here, but I loved this image. I can only imagine! My cat goes savage if you even try to put a collar on her.
“Do…” I began, but I could not contain the fear of a new centaur standing before me
Rather than saying she couldn't contain her fear, try and show it. Do the words stick in her throat? Is her chest tight? Her stomach hollow? Can she feel her pulse pounding in her neck?
He had Crystall’s black hair, but the structure of his face was different
How was it different? Be more specific. Does he have higher cheekbones? A squarer jaw? You don't need to go nuts, but highlighting one or two precise features will help us picture him better.
“I do not care for your name, frankly. I care for my younger brother, though. Where is he?”
I like this bit of dialogue, but I think the added 'though' interferes with both the solemness and the rhythm of it, if you get what I mean. If it was:
"I do not care for your name, frankly. I care for my younger brother. Where is he?"
It just reads a bit more smoothly in my opinion. There's more power behind it, somehow.
I began sweating and my heartbeat quickened rapidly
There's nothing particularly wrong with this line, but it's quite a bland way of expressing it. 'I began sweating' could be something like a bead of sweat slipped down my face or my shirt stuck to my back. Try to root your descriptions more in the sensation of what is happening rather than just noting that it has occurred.
“I wish I knew the answer myself; he disappeared from my house this morning.”
Maybe a little too formal? You could change it to 'I don't know', or maybe just clip it down to 'I wish I knew'. Given how scared she's supposed to be, it's weird that she's speaking so eloquently.
“If I knew where he was, I wouldn’t been looking for him here, now would I? So, instead of trying to act all big, maybe you could fucking lend me a hand here and help me look for him?”
I think you overdo this. I know she's realised that acting scared will get her nowhere, but switching to swearing in the face of a horse man who could easily trample her to death just feels like too much of a leap. If she just snapped "If I knew where he was, I wouldn't be here looking for him, would I?" that would capture the change in tone well enough. The next line pushes it too far; the swearing in particular feels gratuitous. Plus, it's not like Caen has been that rude or accusatory towards her, so seems sort of unwarranted for her to talk to him like that.
“Allow me to introduce myself then. I am Incaendios, Crystallos’ older brother.”
“Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw, Big Brother went out to find his little brother. How inspiring.”
This is also out of place. Beyond being sassy or bitchy, it's just freaking mean - if I was Caen I'd have probably kicked her! He's perfectly civil when he introduces himself, yet her response is to swear at him and make a scathing, sarcastic remark about his search for Crystall. Considering how worried he probably is about his brother, it seems way too harsh, and I don't buy for a second that he would give her the time of day if she spoke to him like that.
Basically, try not to write sassy dialogue for the sake of it. It only works if it fits with the conversation. If it doesn't, it just comes off as needlessly rude and unpleasant.
He seemed to have as much more brains than Crystall when it comes to a human inviting them into their house.
Bit of a grammar trainwreck here! It's also kind of convoluted. Maybe try:
He seemed much brainier than Crystall when it came to being invited home by random humans
Or something like that? Your call. Tinker about with the line a bit.
I looked up at Incaendios and held back tears. His friendly smile resembled Crystall’s so much. I know what you’re thinking:
Duh, of course: they’re brothers.
But it wasn’t as basic. Their smiles looked almost identical, it made me cry to see how much he resembled his brother physically and emotionally.
I found this a bit odd. For one, I wasn't thinking 'duh, of course: they're brothers', because brothers don't necessarily have similar smiles. Plus, you linger so long on the point of them resembling each other that it almost reads like you're...I don't know, hinting at something. Like you're hinting that Caen is actually Crystall in disguise - that's where my brain went when I first read it. I'm assuming that's not the case, so I'm just a bit confused as to why you focus so much on their smiles being similar. I feel like you could cut the whole quote out, to be honest, but of course that's up to you.
“Look, I was drunk,” I laughed. “I didn’t particularly know the consequences of my actions, but I think I can accept those consequences now.”
“I’m almost sure you’ll change your mind soon enough.”
What does he mean by this?
“I suspected that you would ask about them,” Incaendios seemed calm, yet he was slightly shaking.
I'm glad you're showing his unease rather than telling us about it, but shaking seems like it's too extreme. In my experience, I've never seen someone suddenly flip from not shaking to shaking when they have to recall something really unpleasant. A subtler way to show his discomfort would be to mention that, say, he's not making eye contact, or he's balling one fist or fiddling with something - a small tick that isn't necessarily overtly to do with fear. Because if he's calm and stoic, his unease probably manifests in a way that's much more low-key than trembling.
As I said this, a troubling thought slowly invaded my mind:
Crystall, what happened?
I agree with Biscuits that this doesn't work as a cliffhanger because she's been wondering that for the whole chapter. It would have to be a new thought dawning on her for it to have any weight.
Overall
1) I'd still like to see you integrate more description into your writing. Not just description of things, but of events and actions too. At the moment, your chapters are mostly comprised of dialogue, which makes them feel quite script-like. Granted, it's better to be too dialogue-heavy than too prose-heavy, but you should still strive for a balance between the two. You dedicate one sentence to Katrina searching the woodland part of the park when you could spend a paragraph on it. If you paused to describe her weaving through the trees, you could talk also about the way the light falls between the leaves, or perhaps the earthy, rainy smell in the air, or even how she steps into a thicket of nettles and swears so loudly that she sends roosting birds shrieking out of the trees. Just give us details. Slow down a bit. It feels like you're always impatient to get to the next conversation.
2) I'm confused as to why Caen was in centaur form when Katrina met him. If he's searching a public park would he not use a human disguise in case someone saw him? I know its early in the day, but it still seems like a massive risk.
And I think that's actually all I have to say for this review. I enjoyed this chapter - it's definitely the best yet. You're getting better and better all the time. Can't wait for the next installment!
Keep writing!
~Pan
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