Hi, Dragon. Gosh, it's been a looooooooong time. I could barely remember what happened in the last chapter so I had to go back and check, but I think I'm on the right page again. Let's get to it! I'll rectify small grammar/expression mistakes in blue.
I instantly felt the intense scent of smoke reach my nostrils.
Can you make this more concise? 'The intense scent of smoke reached my nostrils' is briefer, and it think it just has more impact as a sentence in general.
I twisted my head around in all sorts of directions rapidly.
This is a bizarre image to me. It just makes me think of her wrenching her head up and down and round like something weird and mechanical. You could just say 'I looked all around me' or 'I twisted my head around, looking in all directions' and it would just seem a bit more normal.
My eyes came to rest on Crystall, grinning and pointing towards the garden
Where is Crystal standing? He feels like he's hovering in empty space at the minute. Is he in the kitchen? Where? Why didn't Katrina see him immediately when she walked in?
my eyes came to rest on… Caen.
Considering you just used this exact phrasing when she saw Crystall, maybe change it up a bit so it doesn't feel repetitive.
“Just what the fuck are you doing, you son of a fucking bitch?!” I screamed.
Yeah, I agree with Biscuits that this is way over the top. I certainly have no aversion to swearing, but Katrina is so disproportionately rude to people that she really irritates me sometimes. It feels like she's trying too hard to be edgy.
“It’s true,” Crystall called from behind me. I turned back to see him smiling clemently, as usual. I think you know what I chose from the two options above.
“Thank you so much guys…” I said, as I looked back and forth; from Crystall to Caen. “You’re the best…”
I feel like she yo-yos between her emotions way too quickly. I'd expect her to at least apologise to Caen as well, like 'sorry I flew off the handle, I didn't mean to...' She'd be a bit more bashful before suddenly going into gushing mode. It's really embarrassing when you lose your rag with someone and then realise that you overreacted.
Shewastowered over me. She was just over six and a half foot tall.
That is one tall lady!
“Well then!” I said,beginning an attempt to change the subject. “How do you think we’ll do at the Opening Gala?”
Don't tell us she's changing the subject, just show the subject change through the dialogue.
“You’re English, I’m Scottish, Charles and Amelia are of Welsh descent; we’re going to need a leprechaun at some point!”
Hoho, it's kinda offensive, but still love this dialogue. It's something someone would definitely say. The bit I don't like is the 'of Welsh descent' bit - it just sounds way too formal.
That’s very convenient,” Eliza replied.
Watch your dialogue punctuation. Commas close dialogue, not full stops.
I knew instantly that he was English. His hair was done in that stereotypical, cringey mushy-curtain-quiff thing.
Is that a particularly English hairstyle...?
“Oh, I’m not going to be watching: I’ll be skating.”
That hit me hard. Very hard. Crystall and Eliza leaned out of their seats and gazed at him.
“You’ll be what?” Crystall asked, disbelieving.
Why are they so disbelieving? What's so surprising about it? I can see them being surprised, but I don't get why it's such a massive shock.
Overall Thoughts
1) It's interesting to see the story getting back into the skating plotline. The events of this chapter seem a lot more relevant to Katrina's development than the events of the last few chapters have been.
2) I quite like that Eliza has come back, though I confess I thought she was a new character when I saw her in this chapter - I just had to go back and check if she was the same person from chapter one. I definitely agree with Biscuits that she's way too accepting of Crystall being a centaur. Yeah, they're around people when they're discussing it, but why would she care when she'd been told something like that? She'd be so shocked I don't think she'd even notice who else was listening. Regardless, I just don't think she'd accept it that quickly. As much as she might trust her friend, it's still a ludicrous claim. She'd take a lot more convincing - and some proof - before she believed it.
There's also the question of why Katrina even told her in the first place. Yes, she's her friend, but why does she need to know? She didn't need to, and she didn't even consult Crystall before unloading that info on her. It's a reckless thing to do and she did it without good reason.
3) I'm kind of confused by the end. I feel like you're trying to give the vibe that this Francis guy is really smarmy and annoying, but that isn't what's happening. It just makes Katrina come off as really judgemental. She's always very snotty about how other people act (girls taking selfies, for example, or hating Francis on sight for his hair and clothes) and it's a quality about her that I find very unpleasant. Even if Francis does turn out to be annoying, that doesn't change the fact that Katrina is pretty arrogant as well. She's not the kind of person I'd want to befriend.
Obviously, that's not necessarily a bad thing. You can absolutely have unlikable characters, and lots of brilliant books and TV shows have protagonists that I would hate if I knew them in person. The problem is that I feel like we're supposed to be on Katrina's side. It's like when she was getting the death threats - we were supposed to sympathise with her, even though she'd literally said she wanted the other girl to get hit by a bus. I'm not saying she has to be sweet and perfect, but l would like to be able to root for her in some capacity. If I can't like her, I want to at least be able to understand her.
4) This is more of a small continuity point, but didn't someone say in the press conference a few chapters back that there would be no male skaters representing team GB? Now you have two. Unless it was singles figure skaters and Charles is part of a pair? Even so, that still leaves us with this Francis lad.
I'll call the review here. Sorry if this was really negative, but I've had those feelings about Katrina as a protagonist for quite a while and I thought it was time to share them. Maybe her character would appeal to some readers, but as someone who is so done with people who judge others for stuff that doesn't affect anybody, I find her tiresome. She reminds me of catty people from school.
Anyhow, let's focus on the positives. I'm interested in the story and what's going to go down at the Grand Prix. I hope we get some sustained drama rather than a self-contained conflict that gets sorted within a few chapters. I feel like Eliza knowing about Crystall is surely going to have consequences. In short, this is set up to be interesting; it just needs to be handled right. I have faith in you!
Keep writing! It's great to have you back.
~Pan
Points: 46598
Reviews: 641
Donate