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Young Writers Society


18+ Language

The Ice Queen Chapter 11

by DragonNoir


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Chapter 11:

We stepped through the threshold of my house. I instantly felt the intense scent of smoke reach my nostrils. My eyes widened. I ran to the kitchen: there was nothing there. I twisted my head around in all sorts of directions rapidly. My eyes came to rest on Crystall, grinning and pointing towards the garden. My heart almost stopped.

I dashed out, expecting some sort of inferno burning down my beautiful garden - the scent was intense enough to suggest that. Opening the glass door violently, my eyes came to rest on… Caen.

“Oh, hi there,” he said, sitting comfortably on a bench under the wisteria frame. In his mouth, he held a piece of half-burnt paper like a cigarette - which seemed to resemble an envelope. Meanwhile, in his hand, he held a large fervid flame. Caen’s face was brightened by the exact same grin as Crystall’s before. “What’s all the commotion about?” he asked, still smiling.

I was unsure whether I should explode with rage or be relieved.

“Wha…” I began.

“I’m burning your fan mail.”

I think you know what I chose from the two options above.

“Just what the fuck are you doing, you son of a fucking bitch?!” I screamed.

“Jeez, I’m only burning the bad ones,” he replied calmly.

“You read through my fan mail?!”

“Hey, I did all of this because Crystall and I didn’t want to see you crying anymore because of those letters.”

Once again, I was wavering between two emotions: further anger - they were still burning stuff addressed to me - and infinite gratitude.

“It’s true,” Crystall called from behind me. I turned back to see him smiling clemently, as usual. I think you know what I chose from the two options above.

“Thank you so much guys…” I said, as I looked back and forth; from Crystall to Caen. “You’re the best…”

“We know we are,” Caen said. He and Crystall chuckled. Suddenly, Caen’s tone became more serious. “I thought you might want to have this,” he handed me a specific letter from the table next to him. The letter’s message was quite proleptic through one image on the envelope: the ISU logo.

***

A few days later, we were at Stansted airport: me, Nate and Crystall. Around the departure gate, we were supposed to meet Elizabeth and her coach: Bonnie Justine. Of course, it didn’t take me long to notice Eliza’s shining ginger hair. I began barging through the crowd shamelessly on my journey to Eliza. As soon as I came up behind her, I tapped her right shoulder and moved to the left. As Eliza turned her head to the right, I gave her a little push to spook her a bit. I may or may not have did it a little too well.

“You idiot!” Eliza screamed in fear. She turned back to me and hugged me - nearly strangling me to death. It was probably an attempt to get back at me, but I accepted it with open arms. “It’s so great to see you again, Kat!” she said. I loathed that nickname, but Eliza was annoying enough to ignore me.

“Awesome to… See you too…” I struggled to speak as she ‘lightly’ embraced me. “Could you, like… Let me go…”

“Oh! Yeah, of course!” she let go of me and went to talk with Nate. I moved on to Mrs Justine. She was towered over me, she was just over 6 and a half foot tall. Her long brown bangs almost reached her hazel brown eyes.

“Mrs Justine…!” I said, smiling, yet failing to not sound intimidated. “We haven’t seen each other in a while…”

“Yes, it has been quite a while,” Mrs Justine replied. I will only call someone I know by their title if they are utterly terrifying or they deserve my respect. Mrs Justine fulfills both.

“So, how has Eliza been in training?” I asked curiously.

“Oh, Eliza has been amazing;” she said, smiling proudly. “She managed to get the hang of the triple Axel recently.”

I gasped in awe. Not just because the situation required me to do it, but also because I was very happy with every bit of Eliza’s progress. At the same time, it was quite sad too: Eliza was twenty-one and her skating career was coming to a close. She gave me her number though, so we’ll always be in contact.

“That’s awesome!” As I said this, I was playfully surprised from behind, as Eliza jumped on my back.

“Katrina!” she said, “You never told me you had a boyfriend!”

My smile was gone in an instant.

“About that-” I began, but Nate and Crystall cut me off.

“Hello, Mrs Justine!” Nate called, he kissed her hand like they were some stereotypical royal figures, and she simply giggled flirtatiously.

“H- Hello Mrs Justine,” Crystall said shyly. I wasn’t that surprised: she’s more terrifying than all horror movies put together.

“And you are this boyfriend?” Mrs Justine asked.

“Y-yes, madam,” Crystall replied, trying to smile through his fear.

Anyway, we decided to make our way to the gates. Eliza and I went a bit ahead of the others so I could tell her something.

“What is it, Kat?” she asked, confused.

“Eliza,” I began, struggling to suppress my anger, “Call me that one more time and I swear I’ll make it the last time a word comes out of your mouth.”

“Jeez, calm down,” she said, “Can you get the point already?”

That’s where my confidence fell like the Berlin Wall.

“Well… You see… Crystall isn’t…”

“Katrina, if you don’t want the others to hear, you better hurry up!” Eliza said ‘encouragingly’, looking behind her.

I began breathing quickly and heavily, until I finally managed to spit it out:

“Crystall is a centaur!”

Eliza looked at me with the ‘you need a psychiatrist’ look.

“Just what the fuck are you on?” Eliza laughed. “He looks perfectly normal to me.”

“Eliza,” I looked at her. I was almost sad that she didn’t take me seriously.

“I know that face,” she said, “I’m sorry, Katrina. We’ll try to discuss it on the plane. C’mon,” she reached out her hand to me with a friendly smile. I grabbed it spontaneously, and we ran to find the Crystall, Nate and Mrs Justine.

***

A long while later, we were getting comfortable in the plane. Crystall, Elizabeth and I sat in the same row of three seats, while Nate and Mrs Justine sat in the row next to us. Luckily for them, they had one seat free for the entire flight, so at least they had some room. The plane itself wasn’t particularly crowded, but neither was it empty. The cabin crew finished their safety demonstration and soon, we were off to Germany. I sat closest to the window. I stared out of it, down at all the buildings and large fields below. I always loved flying because of the great bird’s eye view you got when the plane took off and when it landed.

Of course, I did end up bringing up the subject of Crystall’s identity.

“So, Eliza…” I began awkwardly. “Remember back at Stansted…”

“Yeah, yeah,” she replied with a smile. “I remember.”

“Remember what?” Crystall asked, slowly turning his head towards me.

“Well… You see…” I honestly hated being in situations like this, but I couldn’t help but be shy at this subject.

“Basically,” Eliza explained, “Katrina revealed to me that you are someone special,” she winked after she said that. I couldn’t help but admire her care for not making it explicit.

Crystall wasn’t as happy.

“Please promise me you won’t tell anyone!” he whispered desperately. Eliza continued to smile clemently.

“I won’t tell them if they have a gun to my head.”

“Well then!” I said, beginning an attempt to change the subject. “How do you think we’ll do at the Opening Gala?”

“I’m sure it’ll be great. We’ve still got two days to practise and there’s an ice rink not far from the hotel we’re staying at. That’s very convenient.” Eliza replied.

“I wonder who that new guy, Francis Dean, will be. I hope he’s quite witty. Maybe a bit attractive...” I started slipping off into the world of fantasy.

“I bet he’ll be some Irish bloke,” Eliza laughed. “You’re English, I’m Scottish, Charles and Amelia are of Welsh descent, we’re going to need a leprechaun at some point!”

“What’s a leprechaun?” Crystall asked, tilting his head. I looked around for a bit, trying to find the simplest way to explain the concept of Irish people to him. Until I saw this one guy.

I knew instantly that he was English. His hair was done in that stereotypical, cringey mushy-curtain-quiff thing. Not gonna lie, I was on the verge of bringing out my breakfast the same way it came in. He wore a ‘Team GB’ jumper, jeans and white Nike shoes. I’ll admit, I wore pretty much the same thing, but with black Adidas shoes, but it suited me much better. He sat on the end of the row diagonally in front of us, two girls were seated next to him, taking about fifty selfies a second.

The boy got up from his seat slowly, as if to draw suspense - and it worked: I was praying to every deity in existence to make sure he wouldn’t speak to us. But then, I forgot not everyone has spare time to grant wishes.

“Hey,” he said. My gut twisted. “You guys are going to see the Rostelecom Cup too?”

“Yes we are,” I said, faking a smile. “Which skater do you support?”

“Oh, I’m not going to be watching: I’ll be skating.”

That hit me hard. Very hard. Crystall and Eliza leaned out of their seats and gazed at him.

“You’ll be what?” Crystall asked, disbelieving.

“What’s your name?” Eliza demanded.

“My name’s Francis Dean. And you are?”

Author's Note:

Hi!! I'm alive! And I'll try to be as alive as I can. I'm more than happy to hear what you want to see in future chapters so I can keep improving this story for you guys! Thank you for reading!


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Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:46 am
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Dragon. Gosh, it's been a looooooooong time. I could barely remember what happened in the last chapter so I had to go back and check, but I think I'm on the right page again. Let's get to it! I'll rectify small grammar/expression mistakes in blue.

I instantly felt the intense scent of smoke reach my nostrils.


Can you make this more concise? 'The intense scent of smoke reached my nostrils' is briefer, and it think it just has more impact as a sentence in general.

I twisted my head around in all sorts of directions rapidly.


This is a bizarre image to me. It just makes me think of her wrenching her head up and down and round like something weird and mechanical. You could just say 'I looked all around me' or 'I twisted my head around, looking in all directions' and it would just seem a bit more normal.

My eyes came to rest on Crystall, grinning and pointing towards the garden


Where is Crystal standing? He feels like he's hovering in empty space at the minute. Is he in the kitchen? Where? Why didn't Katrina see him immediately when she walked in?

my eyes came to rest on… Caen.


Considering you just used this exact phrasing when she saw Crystall, maybe change it up a bit so it doesn't feel repetitive.

“Just what the fuck are you doing, you son of a fucking bitch?!” I screamed.


Yeah, I agree with Biscuits that this is way over the top. I certainly have no aversion to swearing, but Katrina is so disproportionately rude to people that she really irritates me sometimes. It feels like she's trying too hard to be edgy.

“It’s true,” Crystall called from behind me. I turned back to see him smiling clemently, as usual. I think you know what I chose from the two options above.

“Thank you so much guys…” I said, as I looked back and forth; from Crystall to Caen. “You’re the best…”


I feel like she yo-yos between her emotions way too quickly. I'd expect her to at least apologise to Caen as well, like 'sorry I flew off the handle, I didn't mean to...' She'd be a bit more bashful before suddenly going into gushing mode. It's really embarrassing when you lose your rag with someone and then realise that you overreacted.

She was towered over me. She was just over six and a half foot tall.


That is one tall lady!

“Well then!” I said, beginning an attempt to change the subject. “How do you think we’ll do at the Opening Gala?”


Don't tell us she's changing the subject, just show the subject change through the dialogue.

“You’re English, I’m Scottish, Charles and Amelia are of Welsh descent; we’re going to need a leprechaun at some point!”


Hoho, it's kinda offensive, but still love this dialogue. It's something someone would definitely say. The bit I don't like is the 'of Welsh descent' bit - it just sounds way too formal.

That’s very convenient,” Eliza replied.


Watch your dialogue punctuation. Commas close dialogue, not full stops.

I knew instantly that he was English. His hair was done in that stereotypical, cringey mushy-curtain-quiff thing.


Is that a particularly English hairstyle...?

“Oh, I’m not going to be watching: I’ll be skating.”

That hit me hard. Very hard. Crystall and Eliza leaned out of their seats and gazed at him.

“You’ll be what?” Crystall asked, disbelieving.


Why are they so disbelieving? What's so surprising about it? I can see them being surprised, but I don't get why it's such a massive shock.

Overall Thoughts

1) It's interesting to see the story getting back into the skating plotline. The events of this chapter seem a lot more relevant to Katrina's development than the events of the last few chapters have been.

2) I quite like that Eliza has come back, though I confess I thought she was a new character when I saw her in this chapter - I just had to go back and check if she was the same person from chapter one. I definitely agree with Biscuits that she's way too accepting of Crystall being a centaur. Yeah, they're around people when they're discussing it, but why would she care when she'd been told something like that? She'd be so shocked I don't think she'd even notice who else was listening. Regardless, I just don't think she'd accept it that quickly. As much as she might trust her friend, it's still a ludicrous claim. She'd take a lot more convincing - and some proof - before she believed it.

There's also the question of why Katrina even told her in the first place. Yes, she's her friend, but why does she need to know? She didn't need to, and she didn't even consult Crystall before unloading that info on her. It's a reckless thing to do and she did it without good reason.

3) I'm kind of confused by the end. I feel like you're trying to give the vibe that this Francis guy is really smarmy and annoying, but that isn't what's happening. It just makes Katrina come off as really judgemental. She's always very snotty about how other people act (girls taking selfies, for example, or hating Francis on sight for his hair and clothes) and it's a quality about her that I find very unpleasant. Even if Francis does turn out to be annoying, that doesn't change the fact that Katrina is pretty arrogant as well. She's not the kind of person I'd want to befriend.

Obviously, that's not necessarily a bad thing. You can absolutely have unlikable characters, and lots of brilliant books and TV shows have protagonists that I would hate if I knew them in person. The problem is that I feel like we're supposed to be on Katrina's side. It's like when she was getting the death threats - we were supposed to sympathise with her, even though she'd literally said she wanted the other girl to get hit by a bus. I'm not saying she has to be sweet and perfect, but l would like to be able to root for her in some capacity. If I can't like her, I want to at least be able to understand her.

4) This is more of a small continuity point, but didn't someone say in the press conference a few chapters back that there would be no male skaters representing team GB? Now you have two. Unless it was singles figure skaters and Charles is part of a pair? Even so, that still leaves us with this Francis lad.

I'll call the review here. Sorry if this was really negative, but I've had those feelings about Katrina as a protagonist for quite a while and I thought it was time to share them. Maybe her character would appeal to some readers, but as someone who is so done with people who judge others for stuff that doesn't affect anybody, I find her tiresome. She reminds me of catty people from school.

Anyhow, let's focus on the positives. I'm interested in the story and what's going to go down at the Grand Prix. I hope we get some sustained drama rather than a self-contained conflict that gets sorted within a few chapters. I feel like Eliza knowing about Crystall is surely going to have consequences. In short, this is set up to be interesting; it just needs to be handled right. I have faith in you!

Keep writing! It's great to have you back. :D
~Pan




DragonNoir says...


Thank you for the review! I'm glad to be back too!

I still struggle a bit with Show, Don't Tell but I'll try my best to fix that.



Katrina's character's likeability is, in my opinion, up to the reader. I want to build up Katrina to be very bitchy and very sensitive in the same sentence, but there may be a big change in her personality in the future... In regards to her rudeness, she is supposed to be quite arrogant towards people she doesn't know, maybe we will even find out why that is, but I will try to make it seem less like edgyness.

I fully agree with you that I should have had Katrina apologise to Caen, but hey, mistakes happen. I'll know what to fix in future.

I wanted Eliza to be more curious of Crystall's origins and abilities, but the situation they were in on the plane didn't allow her to question him openly, or even implicitly. But don't worry, it will happen eventually.

The reason Katrina reveals Crystall's identity to Eliza will also be addressed and probably implicitly revealed.

Francis will get his character development in time. That's all I'm saying about him.

The press did mention that there wasn't any male single skaters, but the answers lie within the ISU letter Caen left for Katrina, which I will address in the future.

Boy is there going to be drama! I will also be addressing issues we see in many sports organisations, like FIFA or the ISU. Wanna guess what that is?

I very much agree that Katrina can be hardly likeable, but that is the kind of direction I want to go with her character, for the time being.

Once more, thank you for the review and I'm glad you've enjoyed it! I've promised it so many times, but I will get to Treslam at some point :D



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Fri Dec 29, 2017 9:43 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Oh thank Christ a chapter of under 2000 words!

Nit-picks:

“Just what the fuck are you doing, you son of a fucking bitch?!” I screamed.

Thaaaaaaat seems a bit disproportionate. Actually up to the comma seems about right, because she's surprised. I'd expect her to be surprised for a bit longer though, before her opinion of him would change.

She was towered over me


I gasped in awe. Not just because the situation required me to do it, but also because I was very happy with every bit of Eliza’s progress. At the same time, it was quite sad too: Eliza was twenty-one and her skating career was coming to a close. She gave me her number though, so we’ll always be in contact.

That's quite a lot of information all at once there.

and we ran to find the Crystall, Nate and Mrs Justine.


“Basically,” Eliza explained, “Katrina revealed to me that you are someone special,” she winked after she said that. I couldn’t help but admire her care for not making it explicit.

Does she really not have any questions about it? I feel like one of them should tell her that he can change form.

“What’s your name?” Eliza demanded.

“My name’s Francis Dean. And you are?”

Oh wait, I only just realised that they didn't realise he was Francis. I think cos so much emphasis was placed on him it was just my immediate instinct that this was an important character.

Overall:

I like the idea of Katrina having a friend to confide in. It's just a little confusing how without question Eliza accepts what's going on. It's quite extraordinary. Like, centaurs are at the very least only just discovered in this world. The idea that this guy, who 100% looks human, is in fact a centaur, should probably really surprise her. I appreciate that she is trusting her friend, but I think she should get Katrina to promise to answer all of her questions at some point, if she wants to be able to confide in her.

Other than that this chapter was pretty nice. It flowed well, the characters acted in a way they would expect them to. Even though the scene with Caen seems a little out of place in the rest of the chapter, that extends to him too. The introduction of your new character was also good, although it maybe rested too much on standards personal to you. I don't think everyone knows exactly what haircut you mean, or why it's bad. I'm guessing he's like a sports lad? But I don't think that's entirely clear.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




DragonNoir says...


Thank you for the review! I do have the thing of Elizabeth asking more questions about Crystall being a centaur, but they're on a plane: there's people there, so she wouldn't want to give it away and she's waiting until they're alone. Francis was originally a combination of all things I loathe in English teenaged boys, but I will make sure he is more elaborated on than that. Caen will also get into the spotlight at some point, because there is a particular person I would like him to get with ;)

Thank you very much for this review!




have u ever noticed how ugly rosy-lipped batfish r? and not like in the “aw ur so ugly ur cute” way that like opossums r — no they’re just hideously ugly beasts that should never have existed and r the epitome of evolution fails. the stupidity, blank look, head emptiness. they’re horrible n everyone who likes them r horrible too. they truly have the worst fan-base >:[
— Shady