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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

FT: ReBirth Act 1, Chapter 2

by DragonNoir


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Act 1, Chapter 2:

“Well, that Lilly girl is really taking her time,” Azai stated.

"Yeah, but we can't really do anything about that," Harvey replied. "We'll just have to wait." 

Team Leo were currently in Rose Town, which harboured the Sabertooth Guild within its walls. More precisely, the team were in the tavern named “Ye Newe Tea Shoppe”, located not far from Sabertooth’s Guildhall.

Each of the team members wore their casual clothes:

Leo wore his classic black trench coat and t-shirt, with black boots and black trousers. When you put this with his pitch black hair, he was pretty much crippling depression in a person when it came to appearance. Harvey chose a white t-shirt with a pair of denim trousers and a pair of black shoes as his attire. Meanwhile, Celine decided to wear a white- and light blue-striped dress, with white gloves, black tights and black knee-high boots. Margaret decided to wear a pink trench coat, and a black-and-white striped shirt. With this, she wore a black skirt and black kneehighs.

Margaret and Harvey enjoyed some freshly brewed tea, which steamed out of the expensive porcelain cups.

“I must say,” Margaret sipped her tea with great manners, sticking out her pinky as she drunk it. “This tea has a very exquisite taste. But I personally prefer the tea from ‘Ye Olde Tea Shoppe’ in Magnolia.”

“I think they taste the same,” Harvey said. “There's barely any difference between the shops, but the tea is still nice.”

“Hey, why are we discussing tea shops when we're supposed to be kicking ass?” Leo demanded, starving for battle.

“We literally told you a few minutes ago!” Celine said abruptly.

“You know very well that Leo never listens,” Harvey said.

“Just tell me!” Leo sighed.

“We are merely getting used to our surroundings, if we're going to have to hide or find an escape route quickly, in case Sabertooth have any other plans for us,” Margaret explained. “But that's not the worst case scenario.”

“What is the worse thing that could happen?”

“You'll end up destroying the entire town in an attempt to stop their 'other plans',” Harvey answered.

“Ugh, all I want is to fight someone already! I haven't fought anyone properly in ages!”

“Leo, chill yourself and wait a little longer,” Celine replied. “If that Lilly-girl doesn't turn up in the next ten minutes, you can go and wreck Sabertooth’s Guildha-”

“Did someone mention wrecking our guildhall?” a man said, he sat not far from their table. He was a bit shorter than Leo, but looked just as strong. He had brown hair, blue eyes and moderately pale skin.

The man got up and smashed his fist into Team Leo’s fragile wooden table, breaking it. Harvey and Margaret barely saved their teacups.

“Which one of you punks said it?!” the man yelled. “I'll mop the floor with your faces!”

“I would rather you didn't do that,” Margaret said. Harvey and Celine threw shocked looks at her, but she pretended she didn't notice. The entire pub stared at them in silence as the tension grew.

“What'd you say?” the man asked, as if astonished by Margaret’s response.

“I said, I would rather you didn't do that, since we'd need to get the magic council involved. It's called GBH, I think. Could give you at least ten years, considering the circumstances,” Margaret lifted her cup and sipped her tea, staring the man in his eyes and still sticking up her pinky.

The man began shaking in rage. Suddenly, his body began burning in extremely hot flames.

“You'll regret this!”

“Who are you anyway?” Celine asked. The entire pub exploded into laughter.

“You don't know who I am…?” the man said through gritted teeth, his voice shaky. “I am Jack Thompson, the Salamander of Sabertoo-”

He didn't finish. Leo already had his fist in Jack's face.

Jack flew into three other tables and fell onto the pine-wood floor. He got up slowly, smiling widely, as if all sanity had left his mind and muttering:

“You'll have to do better than that.”

Margaret placed her teacup onto her chair, stood up and moved in front of Leo.

“Outta my way,” Leo growled, his red eyes glowing. “This dude’s mine.”

Margaret was much smaller than him, but she didn't take any notice of his command. She simply drew a glistening silver card and yelled,

“Come forth! Canis Major!”

Before Margaret, appeared a huge Doberman, already baring his teeth.

“Which one do I tear apart, Margie?” he growled.

“That one, Kaine,” Margaret pointed straight at Jack. With a powerful bark, Kaine leaped onto Jack and grabbed his arm in his jaws. Jack cried out in pain, while Margaret picked up her cup and sipped it again.

“I may look small and weak, but believe me, a dragon is like a cute puppy compared to me when I'm pissed,” Margaret said for everyone to hear. Suddenly, the pub owner rushed in and yelled:

“Just what the hell is going on here?!”

“You shouldn't shout like that, if you don't mind,” Margaret said. “The demons might get a bit offended that you're using their homeland's name in vain like that. Not that I'm in any kind of pact with them; I simply care for the well-being of those who haven't wronged me directly. Moving back to your question, this man right here decided to interrupt my teatime. As a penalty, I summoned my strong bodyguard who is currently biting his arm off.”

Kaine seemed really impressed to be called a ‘strong bodyguard’. Margaret added, “Alright, Kaine, that's enough,”

“I'm always here if you need me,” Kaine replied as he let go of Jack's arm. Margaret raised her card and Kaine dematerialised into shining particles as he returned into the card. Jack slowly got up, his arm was one bloody mess.

“You!” he yelled, pointing at Margaret with his healthy arm. “You'll pay for this!” Jack stumbled out of the pub, Margaret went to pay the owner for the repairs.

“Here,” Margaret said, showing the owner a bag of money.

“Oh no, it's fine,” he said. “I was going to replace them soon anyway. Thank you for the charity, but I can't have your money.”

“As you wish, sir,” Margaret said and walked back to her teammates. Leo seemed quite annoyed.

“Why do you never let me fight anyone?” he asked abruptly.

“Take an example like what happened at our last job,” Harvey replied.

“Ok, this is getting ridiculous, where is that Lilly-person?” Celine demanded. Suddenly, a girl stepped over to them. She was of average height and build and wore a green and brown leather dress and a matching pointy hat.

“It's me you're looking for. I am Lilly Yurami.”

Author's Note: I honestly did not expect to upload this so early since the last chapter. Either way, it's here! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


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Wed Sep 06, 2017 9:27 pm
rosette wrote a review...



Heyo DragonNoir!
Well, this looks like a fine day for reviewing something, so if you don't mind, I'll just be sharing a few thoughts with you. :)

I saw Mea's note about anime, and I feel a bit nervous. I know nothing about anime. Let's just hope this goes well.

Let's start with the first sentence:

“Well, that Lilly girl is really taking her time,” Azai stated.

Um. Who is Azai? You don't mention this person for the rest of the chapter; they just say one thing here? Was it a typo?

Leo wore his classic black trench coat and t-shirt, with black boots and black trousers. When you put this with his pitch black hair, he was pretty much crippling depression in a person when it came to appearance. Harvey chose a white t-shirt with a pair of denim trousers and a pair of black shoes as his attire. Meanwhile, Celine decided to wear a white- and light blue-striped dress, with white gloves, black tights and black knee-high boots. Margaret decided to wear a pink trench coat, and a black-and-white striped shirt. With this, she wore a black skirt and black kneehighs.

This, I thought, was a bit of an info dump, and rather overwhelming. The shirts and shoes and trousers and coats all blended together, and I had to read it over a couple times in order to pick out who was wearing what and get it all straight in my brain. I'm wondering if you could somehow mention their clothing in little actions of these characters. Just kind of toss it at us, instead of us giving us a full-on description of what every character is wearing. If they are this important.
I felt like I didn't have room to breathe. >.<


“Did someone mention wrecking our guildhall?” a man said, he sat not far from their table. He was a bit shorter than Leo, but looked just as strong. He had brown hair, blue eyes and moderately pale skin.

The man got up and smashed his fist into Team Leo’s fragile wooden table, breaking it. Harvey and Margaret barely saved their teacups.

“Which one of you punks said it?!” the man yelled. “I'll mop the floor with your faces!”

Well that escalated quickly.
He didn't even sound angry when asking if someone mentioned wrecked the guildhall. No exclamation points or snarling. He just said, then suddenly got up and smashed. No warning or anything?
(I must admit: I couldn't help but giggle when he claimed he'd mop the floor with their faces).

The characters of Margaret and Leo seem to be pretty well established; I can't say much for the others, because they weren't as involved. Celine sounds pretty sharp, and Harvey sounds mellow, but hey, who knows right?

I did not read the previous chapter, so as far the plot goes... I can't say much. I'm not sure why they're meeting with Lily or even who they are, but I liked the action here. It was pretty quick and sudden, and I'm wondering what the pub's reaction to all this was?? Are they terrified of these kids now, or is this a normal occurrence in their lives?

----
I wish you good luck on your future works, and encourage you to keep up your writing! :D
'til next time!
~rosette




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Sat Sep 02, 2017 9:05 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a review today. Note that I've never really watched anime, so take my advice with a bit of a grain of salt.

I liked how the characters played off each other - Margaret especially was the most interesting one in this scene, whereas the others didn't make as much of an impression on me. I went back and read through your first chapter so I'd know what was going on here, and I like this chapter a lot better than the first one. The first one was too chaotic and switched around too much for me to get a feel for what's going on, but this one is a lot better about building the action slowly.

Something I think is missing from this is what Harvey and Celine are doing during the fight. Leo (who is kind of annoying, actually) is the aggressor, and it's left to Margaret to sort things out, but do the other two just sit there the whole time?

The main critique I'd have is that this can wind up feeling over-the-top really easily. In this case, it's Leo who feels over-the-top with his constant aggression and complaining.

“Oh no, it's fine,” he said. “I was going to replace them soon anyway. Thank you for the charity, but I can't have your money.”

What's the "them" he's referring to? All you say is that the money is for "repairs." What is he planning to replace? Just a point of confusion.

Something you didn't explain here (but maybe I missed in your first chapter) is why they're waiting for Lily. When Leo asked what they were doing here, that wasn't something they mentioned and it feels like it should have been.

And that's all I've got for you! Good luck, and keep writing!




DragonNoir says...


Thanks for the review and the feedback! Yeah, I must admit that the first chapter was quite a mess, but I'll definitely not repeat that in the future. The part about Lilly is actually explained near the end of Chapter 1, so you may have missed that out.
Either way, I would like to thank you so much for taking the time to read both chapters - you don't get that a lot on here - and thank you for the feedback! :)




See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451