Young Writers Society

Hey there! Review day review!

Awww not to be patronising, but that poem was very cute! I loved it!

So on good points we have: your onimanipaya (sorry for the spelling, I've no time to look it up.),the structure of the poem,subject and your POV of it and your word and sentence choice.

Now on my nit-picks. I think that lines 7&8 and 9&10 should switch places to make the connection easier and to loosen up the flow of the poem. Next thing is that you should try using commas between the sounds instead of commas to liven up the flow.

Well I'm all done here I hope you don't take my criticism as harsh. It's support to be constructive, but I feel like it's coming off mean.

Keep on writing

This feels like one of those poems you read as a child to help you learn sounds No offence is meant by that, actually it's the opposite. I love those kinds of poems because they feel familiar. Of course this is more mature than a child's poem as it's quite mysterious and I feel that there is a sinister feeling behind the words. Like what more words will come onto the page? And why do the books want you to read them?

I really like the last line. Such a classic line but it adds so much emphasis. But maybe take away the full stops and add speech marks? It would make it feel like an actual book instead of a statement: like "Once upon a time..." <- I feel like that would be a much more effective ending. But of course you don't have to do that

But very well done on this poem. I enjoyed it very much

Hey there, DragonGirl11. Scarlett here to review your poetry this evening!

Okay, wow. Interesting little poem you have here. I like most of this, but every second line, except the last, in a little, I don't know. I just don't really like the way you've done them. I'm not saying it's horrible, but maybe if you did something more than the 'sounds' they make, you know? This is interesting as is. I just feel like it's lacking something. You've got a good basis for a poem, though. I suggest trying out to draw it out more. The sound effects words aren't really doing much for the poem in and of itself. They kind of interrupt the flow a little bit and made it awkward.

And I don't really have anything else to say. I do like this so far. This is pretty simple right now and you could have so much more in here. There's not much else I can really comment and crit here, either. Thanks for the interesting poetry, DragonGirl11! I hope this review helps, somehow. ^^

Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scarli. <3

Wow, this was good. And I know that I say that a lot, but I never say it unless I mean it.

Grammar, correct, no mistakes, CHECK.

Spelling, correct, no mistakes, CHECK.

Punctuation, I don't really know.

You don't use a period or other means of punctuation at the ends of you full sentences. I'm thinking that that might have been intentional, but in my honest opinion I think it would look a little better if you added a period at the end.

Because that really is the end of the sentence, and then you go off into your single word sentence thing. It might just make it look a little better, and make it a little less weird to read. Because when reading it I went, "Was that the end, or did it continue to the next line, what's going on here?" But then again, that could have been totally intentional and you may have no desire to change it, and that works to. I'm just offering you my opinion, and it's up to you to take it or not.

Another thing is that you kind of had a little bit of a rhyme scheme going on, but then you kind of dropped it. I don't think that you need to change it though, it's perfect the way it is. I'm only mentioning this really because I like rhymes and I kind of wish that you had kept it going, but I also believe that doing so you would take away the character of the poem. If you can't understand my ramblings, don't feel bad. I don't understand myself half the time.

Well, I think that covers everything. I liked your use of words, you're a really good writer. "Books whispering their desire," was my favorite line.

Happy Writing!
HT