Baby dragons and I've finished part-one already and I really want help from you guys to give me your own impression and opinion on what they thought of the first chapter. If you want to, it would also help me if you state what this chapter tells you what this book is about, and give some feedback. Thanks a lot. I'm glad I finally got it in the actually publishing place, so big thanks to Saphireflames for helping me out with that. so I don't have to keep blogging it. And with that, here's me first chapter to my story!
Baby Dragons
Chapter One
Blood. Smoke. Flame. The sound of screams and the stench of death blocks out all you see in war. The War of Dragons, to be exact. I am a soldier forced to battle lord dark (as he was called then). I don’t know where I am, who I’m killing. Lord dark’s army consist of many young dragons, inhabitants of the dragon layer, just as I am. Hours of brutally killing has token its toll. I come to a clearing and gasp at what I see. It’s Martha, my wife’s, house. To see my one-year old son again would be such a delight. Then, I hear the cannon fire. A warning shot, no doubt, but they are coming. I ran towards my house and burst open the door. Another shot. “Martha. Martha! There coming!” I shout over the second fire.
“Hon, is that… you?” No one is prepared for the third shot that blows this house apart like a piece of plastic. Martha’s dead. I need no proof of that, as the cannon ball destroyed the living room she was sitting in. but what about my son? I peek inside the crib and breathe a sigh of relief. He’s okay. Another shot almost takes my leg off. Through the smoke, I see him. Strong, tall, muscular and midnight black scales. “Lord dark”. I mutter under my breath.
“Ah, soldier Max. You and I go back a long way.”
“I remember”.
“You haven’t changed a bit. Same blue eyes. Same green scales. Same…”
“Shut up and fight.” We both draw our swords. The moment our swords meet, time slowed. He smirks. He has the same smile as dad… I was distracted long enough that he was able to swing his sword twice. He knocked out my sword and stabbed my chest. He removed the sword and laughed. “your kid has your eyes.” He said before fleeing. I had to save my son and there is only one thing I could think of: send him to the human layer. Once he reaches there, he’ll become human. I picked him up and ran. I don’t know how long I ran. Minutes. Hours. Days. Who knows. I do know, however that I finally found the portal in a tree. I kissed him on the forehead then I sent him up the portal. I’m almost dead. I... I’ll just lay here and…close…my… eyes...
Thanks again hoped you enjoyed it and leave a review. Also, if you have anything you want me to review if your own works, you can put that in your review or comments.
-dragon99
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
A very good and gripping beginning. Though just one issue...
What. Is. Going. ON!
At first I thought there was an error with the word layer and that you meant lair. I stand corrected. The story itself sounds promising but you really need to work on developing characters, even if they're minor.
“Hon, is that… you?” No one is prepared for the third shot that blows this house apart like a piece of plastic. Martha’s dead.
Well that was...abrupt. Seriously, what was that? One moment, the wife is there, the next, CANNON FODDER! It's bizarre and out of nowhere but what bothered me most was the husbands reaction. It was very underwhelming.
And the part where the father runs through the forest...with one leg...did I miss something here? Details, they're more important then you think.
A bit confusing, but I'll forgive because it's a first chapter...and I think this story is good and promising. Keep up the good work, and if your not working, WORK HARDER!
Hi there
This was quite an interesting read, a nice first chapter. I feel you should be a tad more descriptive for some parts left me a bit confused. Then again maybe things will clear up in the second chapter. Also there were a few grammatical errors which others have stated. Overall, I like the start of this story, it is very creative and I would love to read more.
Hi, I'm here to review
I like dragons so yay ^^
I'll review as I read (the usual spiel):
You need to capitalize Lord Dark's name consistently. Also, the first paragraph confuses me because I can't tell whether I'm reading the past or present. I feel as if the tense you were using to tell the story does not suit the time in which it takes place.
Another comment about the first paragraph: You shove the exposition, which is slower paced, in with an action scene (when he runs to the house.) I would make these two paragraphs because it would probably improve the issue with differentiating time.
There is a lot of action in this but little plot development to back the action up. This is so fast-paced I am having difficulty enjoying it, although I do like the plot so far. I just wish you would slow the pace down enough for me to get to know your characters and what the overall conflict is about.
You have inconsistent verb tense, switching from present tense to past and vice versa. Try to use only one tense unless you are speaking in dialogue. Otherwise, you disrupt the flow of your words.
Split your dialogue up into separate paragraphs; you've chunked a lot of it together. The way you have your paragraphs now kind of interrupts the action.
Okay, so, to sum it all up: I really did enjoy the overall theme of your story, but you need to slow down and add more detail. I'd like to get to know the characters before a huge fight scene overwhelms me. I want to read more of this since you ended it very well!
Woah, all I got to say. I really enjoyed the story telling, and how you never flat out stated things like they weren't human. I was getting sort of mixd signals until you talked about the human portal. Also you never said they weren't brothers but you hinted it.
Some small things. First off you said that the killing had Tokken its toll, not taken. Also when you said “Ah, soldier Max. You and I go back a long way.” I feel like saying soldier max is a bit awkward. Maybe it's just me though.
Over all I feel that it was fantastic...I want more. While I was reading it I was thinking about that scene from lord of the rings where Boromir gets shot in the chest 3 times and still is heroic. This is good because that was an epic and emotional scene.
Keep up the good work man, and I look forward to reading the rest.
TheShauzer here reviewing
Good luck!
I really liked this story, it was interesting and it looked like something I would read through to the end.
I do like the different approach you took towards dragons, a nice change from giant lizards. Also, the way you mixed in different realms, "the human layer", was interesting, and it gave the story some depth.
The start was very good, it was short and simple. The first three words made a good impact on me, and after reading them I wanted to read on. "Blood. Smoke. Flame."
All in all I think you're a good writer, and if you correct some of the small grammar mishaps than you could have a real shot at making a novel out of this.
The Messenger Knight here to review for KotGR.
Well first off welcome to YWS, and hope you enjoy it bunches. Now, for your review.
If dark lord is a character, then you need to capitalize him.
Those both need to be in separate lines from the paragraphs they are attached to. A dialogue line must start a new line every time someone starts speaking.
The period should be inside the quotation marks.
Onyx got most of the other small errors so I'll just move onto the story.
I loved it. The cannon part where Martha dies could use a little more emotion, but I liked how explained it being destroyed like plastic. Also ,the way you started it out with blood. Death. All that stuff was really well written. I'd like to read more.
Keep it up!
Hey there! I'm Onyx from Knights of the Green Room and I am here to review your novel.
Comments
Great story so far, it sounds interesting. There are just a few things that I saw and I would like to point them out. So here we go.
I believe that "then" should be "them" and since you are saying lord dark, are you talking about one dragon and his army or all dragons? That is just a question that popped up in my mind when I read through that.
Alright, if this is his name, "dark" should be capitalized. Same as for the first time he is mentioned. It needs to be capitalized.
Right after "however" you need to add a comma.
In most stories, I don't see the "..." unless it is at the end of a word. Don't know if it is grammatically correct to put it in between words. Though I would have added a little more detail about his death at the end of it.
Over all
As I said, you did a great job. I like how you did make it very action type at the same time in the beginning. Great job with that, I like the story so far! I can't wait to read more of your story! If you have any question, feel free to send me a private message. If you need any more reviews that you would like done, feel free to post me a message on my profile.
~Knight Onyx