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16+ Language Violence

Death of the Mind (Part 2)

by Dragon99

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Part 2, as narrated by BasiltheCats charcter Storm.

I don't want to die, not here, not now. As my vision becomes more clear, I see my leg pierced by a piece of the metal, it wasn't in deep but it hurt like hell and I could not find the will to move. But the pain was nothing compared to what was going through my mind, the biggest concern. The children, there were 22 on this bus, now, from my slowly focusing mind I counted 4. My mind becoming more and more fearful as the full horror came into view. It wasn't the children, little Laura had her face twisted into an almost unrecognizable expression, one of feral hatred. But she was still wearing her little purple dress, her eyes still those sweet and innocent baby blue. My biggest concern was the other 3, and what lay before them. I felt bile rise in my mouth as one of them ripped into the mangled corpse of the late bus driver, the body drowning in what I hoped was mostly her blood. Laura locked her baby blue eyes onto mine. She began moving towards me, arms outstretched, letting out a bone-chilling screech. This couldn't be real, can't be. I reached into the a nearby sports bag, looking for something to defend myself if necessary, and my hands fell upon a familiar tool, a bow and arrow (a quiver of only about 6) from archery class up at camp. Years of archery practice and competitions back in England may just save my life. I looked back into those eyes filled with anger and hunger, fear and adrenaline overtook my body, and loading up an arrow, I released it into her skull, blood sprayed onto the floor as her body collapsed to the ground. I almost vomited, the pain in my leg seemingly increasing. I held back the tears and the sensation of terror. I needed to move, fast, the other...things had not noticed my presences of yet, too busy indulging in flesh, one pulling apart her stomach. “Pull it together Naomi, pull your shit together.” I muttered. I needed to move, The piece of metal isn't in too deep, which is good cause that means all it'll need to heal is some bandages and time. The problem was getting out of here, I prayed the things that once were children aren't too fast. I bit my lip and heaved the metal off, pain shooting through my leg. The noise of the metal piece clattering on the floor alerted the other things. No time for breath, no time for tears, I ain't even got time to bleed I just had to get the hell out of here. I pulled myself up, and ducked through the blood-soaked children. I remember thinking damn was today a bad day to wear flip-flops, as I ran through warm, sticky blood bare foot. I crashed through the door of the bus, I didn't stop for a second, I ran as fast as I could with an injured leg, until I could continue no more, till every part of my body ached. I had reached the back of a light blue house. There was a door that lead down into the owners basement, and though it was locked, the doors were wooden and the lock rusted, so it was no problem to get in, a few sift kicks with my good foot and it broke open. I lowered myself into the cellar and checked for danger. It was a simple stone cellar, empty save for cobwebs, a water tank, boxes, and stairs, no doubt leading to the next floor. At the wooden door leading upstairs was another one of those damn things, scratching constantly at the door. I raised my bow, sliding in an arrow and raised it, but I couldn't fire it. Instead I crumpled to the floor, dropping the bow and quiver, and cried, sobbing on the cold cellar floor. Everything that happened, something that had happened, something that will change everything. I couldn't bring myself to say it but the word 'zombie' came to mind. My sadness quickly turned to anger, anger towards myself. I ran without thinking where those kids were, if they were safe. I...I had to find them, it was, is, my duty to keep those kids safe as camp councillor, even if I was a temp. volunteer. Those kids are my priority. This isn't the Naomi that the kids saw. I must be strong, I must be thoughtful, I must be fearless, that is what the kids saw me as, Storm, that is what they called me, that is what Father called me, that is who I must be. I must be Storm. “I must be Storm.” I was beginning to rise when something made me freeze. Footsteps. Movement from the floor above. The scratching intensified. After a few minutes, the footsteps moved towards the cellar door. I held my breath. If whoever it was opened that door, the zombie-thing would no doubt overpower whoever it is on the other end. I could warn them, or fire an arrow at the thing. But do I want to draw attention to myself? Probably not. But what if it's another zombie on the other end, hm, then I'd have two to deal with. I shut my eyes. I heard the slow turning of a door handle, then 3 loud knocks, probably from the front door. Whoever it was moved away from the door. I took a deep breath, then, after grabbing my bow and slinging my arrow over my shoulder, I slipped quietly out of the house, leaving behind Naomi and stepping into this terrifying reality as Storm.

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475 Reviews

Points: 1461
Reviews: 475

Sun Jan 19, 2014 11:26 am
Apricity wrote a review...

Hello Dragon! It's Subtle, here for the check out on your portfolio as promised! might not like what I have to say next. Since is a bit harsh..but don't worry. Let's start with the good news!

You have a knack for description as I have stated before, and a very realistic voice that makes your story seem far more realistic than other stories in your genre. You create stunning imagery of terror, how terrible and terrifying the whole situation is. Now, keep working with that and keep that in your mind as I delve into other parts.

I will make it simple for you, in just four little steps! (Says that in a commercial voice)

1) PARAGRAPHS!!! YOU MUST HAVE PARAGRAPHS! I'm sorry, but I just had to stress that. Honestly, it is exhausting to read a whole long story without any chapters. It puts people off.

2) Grammar and punctuation. There is a lot of flow-on sentences in this piece, also the use of commas is sometimes misplaced.

3) Style advice: There is too much non-needed detail in this story, which can make it seem boring and flat at times. Look, there is definitely potential in this story, as your language really isn't that bad. But you've concealed it under layers of...too much detail.

4) YOUR NUMBERS: Ok, can you please use words instead of Arabic numbers? It is very off-putting. Always use words instead of actual numbers unless they are like huge numbers or you are writing a sci-fi novel.

Still, good work! I see potential!


User avatar
101 Reviews

Points: 654
Reviews: 101

Sun Jan 19, 2014 12:40 am
MysteryMe wrote a review...

Hey there Dragon!!! It's MysteryMe, here for that review I promise ;{D

Okay, first off, I'll say the things I liked about this...

1. You're great with details. You used a lot of them in this chapter, and that really increased the overall quality of your work. The imagery you used worked perfectly, and it really added a dark and mysterious tone to everything. The amount of detail you used was spot on, and you applied it in just the right spots. There's nothing bad for me to say about that.

2. The first line "I don't want to die, not here, not now," is awesome. It's just the perfect place to start for a writing like this. It sets the mood, tells the reader that something exciting is happening, and leaves them wanting to read more. I know it sort of seems like such a little thing, but in actuality, I always find that the first line of work is very important in creating a great work. And you did yours awesomely :D

3. Your entire piece has a really realistic voice. Voice is something that I in particular struggle with, as do many young authors, but you managed to perfect it with ease. The way you spoke/narrated sounded really casual and teenage-like. I could definitely believe you were just some normal, every-day kid who happened to be caught up in this sucky situation, which makes the whole thing with the apocalypse sound even cooler.

Now, on to the things that could use improving....

1. The grammar. That's the main thing that bothers me here. You have a bunch of grammar mistakes spread out all over your work, and it really takes away from all the good qualities that you have. For example, you used a lot of commas where periods were needed. You also typed numbers instead of writing them out (for example, writing 3 instead of three) which is something that you're not supposed to do in writing (I don't know why, that's just what everyone says). Anyway, there are too many for me to really point out to you, but if you want, you can send it to me or something and can touch it up for you or something. Idk... I'm not really sure how these things work, but whatever. Just fix your grammar, and you'll be fine :{)

2. YOU MUST CREATE PARAGRAPHS RIGHT NOW OR I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!!!!! Ok, well, not really, but you get what I'm saying. Having a big lump of text is not at all visually appealing, and it definitely turns off your readers. There's not much more to say than that. Your work would look a LOT better if you just created some paragraphs and spacing. JUST DO IT!!!

3. Your sentence structure could use a little work. Some areas of your writing just sound kind of awkward and flawed to me. If you really want to make this an 'A' grade work, you should just go through it again and reword sentences that sound a little strange. That's all. It's not too bad or anything, so don't worry about it.

Ok, so overall, I think this story has got a lot of potential. You don't have to do anything to change this chapter, but it would be good for you to keep in mind all the negatives I pointed out and work to reduce them in your next chapters.

Well, hope this helped!!!! Keep writing... you're great at it!!! :{D

User avatar
205 Reviews

Points: 240
Reviews: 205

Fri Jan 17, 2014 12:28 pm
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AEChronicle wrote a review...

Well, this isn't to bad, but I have to be honest, it's not anything special yet. There are some positives to it, but also some negatives.

First off, it's all one paragraph, and that's never a good thing. You definitely want to edit it so that it's broken up. The story itself is interesting, but there's a lack of descriptive words, so as I'm reading I don't get to imagine anything, it's all just explained on the paper in front of me. Going through and adding in some more description would help the story.

On the plus side, I liked this part,

"I must be strong, I must be thoughtful, I must be fearless, that is what the kids saw me as, Storm, that is what they called me, that is what Father called me, that is who I must be. I must be Storm. “I must be Storm.”

I thought this was very original, and epic to boot, so it's definitely a strong point of the story. The words, "I must be storm." right after, "I must be strong." Are actually quite brilliant, and really give it that writer's flare that people enjoy so much.

All in all, if you fix the some of the grammatical and style errors, and do a little rewriting, it's a well rounded story.

Thank you Dragon99

This is like going over to an insane guy's house for a barbecue or something.
— David Letterman