z

Young Writers Society


16+

Chapter 9

by Draculus


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

“Alright, so you have worked as a pickpocket before, haven’t you?”

“Not for someone, but for myself. And for the children who Mr Morr was keeping hungry for days.”

Chase grimaced and waved his hand, silently asking Annabel to stop prattling. She snorted at him, but didn’t say anything - she knew it was useless to talk about hungry children with Chase, he wasn’t the kind of man who cared about such matters.

“Show me what you can,” he asked her.

“I thought you used to watch me do this stuff before you took me out of The Garden.”

“Indeed, but I still haven’t seen enough,” the boy said as they watched the people pass them shouting, laughing, crying out the lyrics of the festival song. Today was the day dedicated to farming - the most important job for almost all of the Renezar people. As Annabel and Chase left the last town, they moved a bit up to a small village where the farming festival was one of the favorite days of the year, and no one could really avoid being dragged along. Residents were walking down the street right to the square where different entertainments were awaiting them; Chase made a quick step forward, mixing into the crowd, disappearing from Annabel's view in seconds, and she had nothing to do but follow him with a doleful sigh.

Locals were very friendly there, smiling to each other and hugging everyone who they could reach, so it was easy for the girl to sneak near them, letting her fingers spryly explore the pockets for the presence of wallets or money. Not everyone had coins, though, but many farmers did, for they were going to buy goods for their families on what they called the festival trade road. It was a street where merchants or local farmers were selling different stuff, from food and animals to toys and clothes. If Annabel and Chase were lucky enough, they would meet a lot of people on that road today with their pockets full of valuable metal.

“Very good, Annabel, very good,” the boy appeared next to her out of the blue and nodded at her own little satchel, heavy with stolen money. A wide smile was shining on his joyful face, making Annabel want to jab him with her elbow, but she held herself from it. “You’ve got a talent, you know.”

“I’m well aware of it. Is there something else you want to teach me except flattering?”

Chase threw her a quick glance of his green eyes and nodded at a dark alley to their left where no more than one person could possibly pass through, but thanks to Chase’s slim figure they both managed to fit in there, pressed tight to each other’s side. From their spot, the entire trade road was visible down the square, each farm wagon and market stall filled to the roof with nice goods for farmers and all. Annabel watched everything she could see as carefully as possible, and noticed a rich Korhanian merchant who was selling gleaming silver flatware - the potential victim of both day-time and night-time robbery. She could bet Chase wanted her to notice the merchant.

“You see that Korhanian, don’t you?” he whispered in her ear. “Now look a bit to the right.”

A bit to the right from where the loud man was trading his commodities, there was a huge wooden trunk decorated with national Korhanian ornaments and colours of red-and-gold, a very expensive trunk that looked heavy and was covered by a thick brown blanket that was supposed to hide it from strangers' eyes.

“I know what you might be thinking,” said Chase, “that it can be a simple trunk in which the merchant keeps his stock, and it can be empty right now, or at least contain nothing of value. But what I know about Korhanian merchants is that they never leave nice trunks empty. They always have something in them, something much more valuable than silver spoons and plates, something that they can sell when the right time comes.”

Annabel knew precisely what right time Chase meant.

Brook was the capital of Renezar, the big city where stood the king’s palace and where all the richest people of the kingdom lived in peace and quiet, never disturbed by the poor and their constant moaning for help. They also loved loud holidays, and one of them was dedicated to the day when Brook was founded. The Brook Day festival was second the biggest celebration of the year in the whole kingdom, while the first was the coming of a new year, and it was more than near to the present day - only a week or less ahead. Traders and merchants eager to earn good money by selling precious things to the richies were now traveling there from every Renezar town, but merchants from Korhan had always been much more commercialistic than anyone else - that was what they were famous for, aside from their sly nature. They were ready to spend months traveling all across the continents in order to visit the best places on the best days, and Brook was going to become the perfect chance for them in a while. The merchant that Chase wanted to rob was hardly the exception.

“When do you plan to do it? Now?” the girl asked, squinting at the vast merchant's trunk.

“If I wanted to do it now, I’d have already done it. But… I’d like us to spend our time with more use than just robbing someone. Look,” and on that word Chase took a big iron padlock out of his coat pocket, turned it in his palm, and handed it to Annabel. “This is your next lesson.”

___

Managing the lockpicks was probably the hardest work Annabel had ever had. Even with her fingers slim enough to sneak into someone’s pockets, it was extremely difficult to gain the control over two thin slippery metal sticks. Chase had shown her how the padlock worked by dividing it into several parts, and then demonstrated the way to open it using the common tools. Annabel had already spent two hours trying to repeat the process, but the sticks wouldn’t follow her orders like if they were enchanted.

“Chase, I cannot do it! I cannot!” she cried in frustration as one of the lockpicks slipped out and fell down again, making a slight cling-cling sound. That was the most unbearable part.

“You can,” the boy replied with his face cold and calm like a stone, reached the iron sticks and handed it to his assistant.

“How long did it take you to learn it?” Annabel shot him a killing glance, returning to the padlock and expecting the boy to shut up because it had definitely taken him weeks to master lockpicking, but Chase only shrugged.

“I don’t remember. An hour, maybe. Or less.”

The girl let out an angry breath and threw the damned iron sticks away, cursing them in all bad words she was able to recall. She couldn’t relax and sit still for eternity until the lock would give up at last, letting her know that she wasn’t hopeless; her fingers were shaking because of stress she had due to countless failures that had driven her mad at herself and at Chase who insisted she trained that skill. But Chase himself was completely at ease; he picked the iron sticks up again and laid them before Annabel.

“Listen,” he said strictly, looking the girl directly in the eye, “I know it is difficult. But all you need to succeed in it is practice and patience. It’s just like reading, all you do is spend some time trying to read a book every single day, pronouncing letters, combining them into words inside your head, remembering them. A lock is like a book - all you need is to read it, see the way it works, and them crack it open, like you crack the meaning of the sentences seen on a book page. Let’s try again, I’ll show you once more.”

After that Chase showed her the algorithm more than once, but each time patiently, coldly, as any wise teacher would do, leading every Annabel's move, every single action. And only as the fourth hour was passing, the girl heard the satisfying click under her fingertips and felt the shackle jump. Her hands were sore like a farmer’s hands, as if all covered in calluses, but as the lock eventually gave up, she wanted to feel nothing but gratitude to the Heavens, and happiness, the most sincere happiness ever. Even Chase who was smiling at her like a chuffed tutor wasn’t annoying her. He chuckled as she exhaled loudly, and sat back in his chair, crossing his arms on his chest.

“Very good, very good,” he said. “That’s what I was talking about, sweetie, all you need is to relax and be patient.”

“Back off,” Annabel spat at him, but then just laughed quietly and rubbed her fingers, trying to believe that she actually wasn’t hopeless, and all she needed was a bit of time. She wasn’t relaxed, not at all, but at least she’d given herself another chance, and that chance turned out to be lucky.

“Well,” the boy stretched out his long limbs and rolled his shoulders, then leaned over the small table they were working at, locked the padlock again, and pushed it forward to Annabel. “Do it again now.”

___

Annabel didn’t think the merchant wouldn’t leave the very same day the festival took place in the village, but Chase had assured her the Korhanian traders never traveled at night. That one they were chasing would have to stay in the village limits in order to protect himself from bandits who were famous for robbing and killing anyone who seemed rich and defenseless enough for them to deal with. Of course, no one had given the merchant a guarantee that no gang would attack a whole village at night, but he still decided to leave at sunrise. Annabel would say that the merchant’s precautions were useless, given that in Renezar no one really cared for criminals and their activity except the peasants, and there could be no surety a mob of ruthless robbers wasn’t lurking around the village at the time. The merchant was a tourist, he could be unaware of it, and Annabel felt nothing but pity for that she and Chase had to break down all his expectations that night.

The trader had parked his horses and two small wagons full of merchandize right in the middle of the village square. One of the wagons was used as his temporary house where he slept and kept the most precious goods, his own clothes, food and money. Chase wanted to wake the merchant up and delay him by drawing his attention, while Annabel had to sneak inside the wagons, find the trunk, open it, take the best out of it, and hide before the merchant would come back to his bed.

“And for how long exactly will you be able to delay him?” Annabel squinted at the boy as they were lurking in the shadows among sleeping houses, approaching the horses and two covered wagons.

“I don’t know,” Chase replied in a whisper. “ Ten minutes, maybe. Fifteen as the top of it.”

Ten?!” Annabel hissed and turned to him, staring at his face. Even though it was dark all around them, she knew it was absolutely untroubled, and it made her even angrier. “Ten minutes? And you suppose it will be enough for me to do everything we’ve planned?”

“I don’t suppose anything, darling,” the boy said. “I know it will be enough, especially if you compose yourself right now and don’t let the fear spoil your job. Otherwise I’ll have to interfere, but I wouldn’t like to.”

“Because this is the most stupid thing I’ve ever done…” Annabel grunted, turning away, and strode right to the wagon from which she could hear the merchant’s loud snoring.

“No, because this is the most useful lesson you’ll ever receive, and I don’t want to intrude.”

According to the plan that Chase had made, she had to wait behind the wagon until Chase made the trader wake up and crawl out of his ‘bedroom’, then act. The boy seemed to completely get into the role and forget about Annabel’s presence, because he didn’t even once glance at her since they gave the plan a go. First, he woke up the horses and scared them a little, just to make them snort and neigh. Second, he made a careful step over a thin thread that the merchant used as an alarm - the moment someone touched it, small bells attached to it would ring and wake the trader up. Annabel didn’t notice the trick at first, and only after Chase showed her the bells she understood how right the boy was about the Korhanian merchants. Those were amazingly alert. Chase cut the thread with a knife and took it in his hand, absolutely soundless, then stood right next to the covered wagon, stretched out his arm, and ringed the bells by wiggling the thread in the air.

The sound produced by the bells was much louder than Annabel expected, but still not as loud as a massive ‘spoons-and-cattles’ alarm used by some unoriginal travelers. She thought the merchant wouldn’t wake up to the noise and the entire scheme wouldn’t work, but in a few seconds after Chase jingled the bells Annabel started hearing a slight shuffling inside the wagon. Chase shook the thread again, and the shuffling repeated, that time clearer. In an instant Annabel noticed a dark shape slowly moving in the wagon, it was coming out with something long and dangerously shining in its hands. A sword? A gun? Is Chase aware of this? Is he seeing it too? Annabel wasn’t prepared for a fight, and she had to admit to herself that she didn’t really want Chase to get hurt, but what could she do? The boy told her to stick to the plan no matter what, so he had probably known that sometimes merchants and traders tended to defend themselves using firearms or other developed weapons. Please, Chase, let me know you also see it…

The trader was creeping silently, ready to hit a stranger that dared to claim his goods, his hands trembling. He didn’t notice Chase behind him. One second the boy was motionless, as if a frozen, lifeless statue, and the very next Annabel saw him move as fast as a lightning bolt from out of the corner, grab the weapon and push it to himself, easily leaving the merchant with his hands empty. By the sound produced by the weapon as it was shaken Annabel understood it was a gun or a rifle, and her heart dropped to her feet, cold sweat hit her forehead as she thought of what would have happened if the trader had shot at Chase in the dark. But the boy was more than eased, he enjoyed the role he was playing.

“Wow, that was a close one!” he declaimed quietly with a very strong accent of the eastern Renezar gangmen, laughing at the Korhanian as the man froze right where he stood, three or four meters away from the wagon entrance - just enough for the girl to sneak inside without drawing his attention. She had to force herself to calm down, as neither Chase nor her were in danger, and the plan eventually started working.

She moved soundlessly from behind the wagon and crawled inside, masking each small noise with Chase speaking.

“No need to worry, mate. We’re just gonna talk, like all normal people do, eh? Right? Right. Good.”

“Who are you?” asked the merchant, his voice unsteady. Annabel crawled into his wagon as fast as she could and started looking for the chest she and Chase were hunting.

“You don’t know me,” the boy waved his hand dismissively. “But, mate, I know who you are.”

As Annabel’s eyes adjusted to the deep darkness inside the wagon, she noticed the familiar brown blanket that was covering the trunk while it was on the trade road.

“What do you want?” Trader’s voice was now suppressed, as of something was pushing it down his throat, but he forced himself to speak up.

“Oh, what do I want? Hmmm, let me think… What would I want from a rich Korhanian merchant who sells nice silver spoons and plates made in far Toufrire, the land of jewellers and the best craftsmen in the entire world?..”

“You may take the flatware.”

Chase snorted, “I don’t need the flatware, dummy. I need the cash. My brothers need the cash, too.”

Annabel uncovered the chest and looked carefully at the padlock it was locked up with. Just the same type as the one she was training on. It had to be easy. Even though it was too dark for the girl to see the padlock clearly, she could feel it quite well with her fingers now used to its shape and to the thinness of the lockpicks. She started working with the lock, trying not to concentrate on the conversation running outside.

“There are a lot of you?” asked the Korhanian.

“Right here? Now, it’s only you an’ me. But, mate, there’s something you must know. You can’t just come here and travel wherever you want, alright? You can’t, it isn’t proper, you know. You know what I mean, right?”

Annabel felt sweat flowing down her forehead, very soon her fingers were sore and wet. She forced herself to calm down as the lockpicks couldn’t find the right position inside the padlock’s construction. It might take much longer than the damned ten minutes, she thought angrily, but then recovered and made a deep trembling breath. Then once again, and again, and again. The ringing in her ears muted, and her heart rate steadied as she moved a little slower and forgot to hurry. Haste never helps. Chase was making it quite well, so they still had enough time.

“Tell me, mate, do you know what I’m talking about?”

“Yes.”

“Great. What a smart one you are, indeed, huh? So, listen now, there are rules. You may not know those rules because you’re not a resident trader, but everyone in Renezar knows them. Let me tell you…”

A slight jump of the shackle, a small click, - and the trunk’s insides were available to Annabel after three or four minutes of pure torture. The top creaked a little as she opened the trunk, but the sound couldn’t be heard over Chase’s prattle. As he was explaining to the trader what rules he had to follow and why, Annabel rifled through the stuff inside the trunk and felt a lot of cold iron under her palms. At first, she almost started panicking, afraid that Chase was wrong and the fine trunk was actually filled with what the merchant was selling at the fest, but it took her one more minute to look a bit more careful at what iron it was, in fact. Yellow. There was only one iron coloured yellow - gold. And this trunk was full of it. Among the golden rings, pendants, charms, necklaces, earrings, bracelets, and flatware there were gemstones - small and big, of different colour, shiny and dim, perfectly cut and completely rough. A lot. Now it was crystal clear why the merchant kept the trunk hidden and always watched it, like a loving parent watches their precious kid. She could only imagine where the merchant had snatched that treasure, but at the moment it wasn’t her main concern. Chase’s speech was close to its ending, so she had to hurry up. Carefully clasping the biggest gemstones and accessories, she put them all into her small satchel bag as fast as it was possible, given that the wagon was stuffed and too small for her to avoid crushing something or unintentionally make a noise. She tried not to swing the golden luxuries too much, and when her satchel was filled to the edges with them, she heard Chase’s voice:

“Me and my brothers will wait for you on your way to Brook, mate. Don’t forget your treasure chest, alright?” The merchant murmured something in return, but Annabel couldn’t hear him - she had to move out of the wagon and hide before the Korhanian noticed her. Chase was keeping him the last seconds. “I promise you, we won’t hurt your ponies. See you later, mate. Take your gun.” The girl heard Chase make a short clicking sound with his tongue, and then footsteps followed, fading into the silence of the night. Annabel closed the trunk carefully, locked it up, covered with the blanket, and started crawling back on her knees with the satchel in one hand, her gaze fixed on the dark shape of the trader. The man froze before his wagon and stood there with his rifle dropped down until Chase’s slim figure disappeared in the darkness, and even a minute or two after that. Maybe she was lucky to be assisted by the Heavens, or maybe it was the merchant’s shock that helped her stay invisible for him, or whatever it was after all, Annabel managed to get out of the wagon and hide behind it just in time before the trader returned to his bed, leaving the treasure chest without attention, being sure that nothing could have happened while he was talking to a strange bandit guy. He probably wouldn’t check the trunk until morning, or even later, which was giving Annabel and Chase time to pack their things and depart. The girl waited a few more minutes for assurance and then stood up, soundlessly tip-toeing to where Chase told her they must meet. As she passed a few houses, she saw him standing next to a big apple tree right in the middle of the path.

“If you make me do something like this again, Chase,” Annabel hissed, approaching the spot, “I’m gonna steal all your money and vanish without saying goodbye.”

“Oh, that’s ruthless,” he laughed in return. “Won’t even say thanks for all I’ve taught you?”

“Damn you, Chase, I could get caught any moment!”

“I’ve already told you,” Chase stretched out his arm and took the satchel from Annabel’s hands, “that you won’t get caught while you follow my orders and listen to my lessons.” He peeked inside, and a wide grin appeared on his happy face, like a ribbon of shine that lights everything around itself. That told Annabel the boy was satisfied with the job done.

“You know what? I just can’t buy it, why didn’t you try to delay the trader a few more minutes? You’re great at prattling, why not practice your talents on a target?”

“He-e-ey,” Chase’s voice was now low and offended. “I never talk prattle, alright? I always say clever and important things.” He stoically ignored her indignant snort and continued, “About the why you have, I’ll say that I wasn’t delaying the merchant longer because I wanted you to make it in ten minutes exactly.”

“But why in the world did you want that?” Annabel threw her hands up in frustration.

“Because this is how I’ve learned it.”

Chase’s voice was surprisingly serious and strong, insistent, so when he passed by her and strode to the house they were staying in, with her satchel in his hands, she didn’t really want to stop or mock him. He was a professional, and if that was true, then all the methods he’d used in the past to learn the tricks and everything were quite effective. But… Something wouldn’t let Annabel’s thoughts go, something dim and far was bothering her mind even as she packed her things and followed Chase on the forest path up to the next town that night. Why did Chase have to steal something from someone in only ten minutes? Was it a question of life and death? If so, then… Why? And when would I be brave enough to ask him about that?..


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
455 Reviews


Points: 22123
Reviews: 455

Donate
Sat Aug 22, 2020 6:12 pm
Hijinks wrote a review...



Hi Draculus! I was looking through my review drafts and saw this one and realized I never finished a review for this chapter, so here I am (several weeks late)!

I think you've got a nice balance of descriptions and dialogue in this chapter for the most part, which is really great! There are a couple times where I feel like the pacing is a bit slow/the descriptions are too long, so I'd recommend going through and seeing if there are unnecessary descriptions or descriptions that could be made shorter and trying to make the chapter a bit more concise. (Or if you think everything is necessary you could consider splitting this chapter into two parts? It just feels a bit lengthy, particularly for a chapter on YWS where most are under 3,000 words.)

I really, really, love the dialogue between Chase and Annabel - it just shows the love/hate relationship they have so well, and quite often their banter makes me smile :)

Now onto some more specific comments / nitpicks ~

“Show me what you can,” he asked her.

Very small nitpick - I personally feel like this is more of a command than a question, so I would probably say "he told her".

“Very good, Annabel, very good,” the boy appeared next to her out of the blue and nodded at her own little satchel, heavy with stolen money. A wide smile was shining on his joyful face, making Annabel want to jab him with her elbow, but she held herself from it. “You’ve got a talent, you know.”
“I’m well aware of it. Is there something else you want to teach me except flattering?”

Ooh I love the back-and-forth cheekiness of this conversation - it shows their relationship really well.

Chase threw her a quick glance of his green eyes and nodded at a dark alley to their left where no more than one person could possibly pass through, but thanks to Chase’s slim figure they both managed to fit in there, pressed tight to each other’s side.

I'd expect her to feel at least a bit uncomfortable being squished so close to a guy she hardly knows? Unless her personality is just not at all affected by that, but I think most people regardless of gender would find that a bit odd, at very least.

A bit to the right from where the loud man was trading his commodities, there was a huge wooden trunk decorated with national Korhanian ornaments and colours of red-and-gold, a very expensive trunk that looked heavy and was covered by a thick brown blanket that was supposed to hide it from strangers' eyes.

I'm not sure how they can see the colours of red and gold on the trunk if it's covered by a thick brown blanket? ;)

Traders and merchants eager to earn good money by selling precious things to the richies were now traveling there from every Renezar town, but merchants from Korhan had always been much more commercialistic than anyone else - that was what they were famous for, aside from their sly nature.

"Richies" to me doesn't really match the tone of the rest of your writing - I would personally see if you could find another word that was a bit less slang-y.

Even with her fingers slim enough to sneak into someone’s pockets, it was extremely difficult to gain the control over two thin slippery metal sticks.

Gosh I would think lockpicking is quite hard!! Also, here is a place I think you could expand on the description - something like, "...two thin metal sticks that slipped between her fingers like elusive drops of water" or "...that evaporated from her grip like a mist"; just to add a bit more flair to the description. Feel free to use your own language and description, those are just examples!

Annabel had already spent two hours trying to repeat the process, but the sticks wouldn’t follow her orders like if they were enchanted.

I think what you want here is "as if". :)

“I don’t remember. An hour, maybe. Or less.”

Does he try to be annoying on purpose?? Goodness.

“Well,” the boy stretched out his long limbs and rolled his shoulders, then leaned over the small table they were working at, locked the padlock again, and pushed it forward to Annabel. “Do it again now.”

Ohhh poor Annabel :/

Annabel didn’t think the merchant wouldn’t leave the very same day the festival took place in the village, but Chase had assured her the Korhanian traders never traveled at night. That one they were chasing would have to stay in the village limits in order to protect himself from bandits who were famous for robbing and killing anyone who seemed rich and defenseless enough for them to deal with. Of course, no one had given the merchant a guarantee that no gang would attack a whole village at night, but he still decided to leave at sunrise.

Using double negatives is a bit confusing in formal writing, because technically it's the same as one positive, but if the writing is meant to be in an informal style, then it could actually just mean the same as one negative. I'm pretty sure it's meant to be taken literally in this case, so it's mean to be positive - but I would just suggest using two positives, instead, as it makes the writing much easier to understand. So the first sentence would become:
"Annabel thought the merchant would leave the very same day the festival took place in the village..."
In the last sentence of the quoted text, it isn't exactly a double negative, but the way the negative is used in the sentence is a bit odd. Instead of using a negative subject (no gang) and a positive verb (would attack), I'd suggest using a positive subject (the village) and a negative verb (wouldn't be attacked). It's very subtle but it makes the sentence much easier to understand:
"Of course, no one had given the merchant a guarantee that the village wouldn't be attacked at night..."

Sorry for that tanget! Moving on -

“I don’t suppose anything, darling,” the boy said. “I know it will be enough, especially if you compose yourself right now and don’t let the fear spoil your job. Otherwise I’ll have to interfere, but I wouldn’t like to.”

Ugh he can be so condescending some times!

In an instant Annabel noticed a dark shape slowly moving in the wagon, it was coming out with something long and dangerously shining in its hands. A sword? A gun? Is Chase aware of this? Is he seeing it too?

First of all - gosh I hope no one gets shot or hurt! Second, I feel like this whole sections gets a bit confusing - I personally am not sure how she can see the dark shape moving - I'm presuming the caravan has like a canvas covering? Is there a light inside so she can see his shadow moving? How can she tell that this thing is shiny through the canvas? Or is she looking in through a crack? I could've just missed or misread something, but I think a little clarification wouldn't hurt.

“Who are you?” asked the merchant, his voice unsteady. Annabel crawled into his wagon as fast as she could and started looking for the chest she and Chase were hunting.

Poor guy. Here's another place where I feel like you could add some more fun descriptions - what is his voice unstead like? Does it waver like a tight-rope walker losing their balance? Does it ring with fear through the dark? Again, definitely use your own language/descriptions, those are just examples.

“Right here? Now, it’s only you an’ me. But, mate, there’s something you must know. You can’t just come here and travel wherever you want, alright? You can’t, it isn’t proper, you know. You know what I mean, right?”

You (or Chase) do a really good job of switching his language to reflect the accent he's making - using more "right"s and "eh"s and "alright"s.

Annabel felt sweat flowing down her forehead, very soon her fingers were sore and wet.

Just a little grammar detail - the comma after "forehead" should be a semicolon.

Now it was crystal clear why the merchant kept the trunk hidden and always watched it, like a loving parent watches their precious kid.

Ooh this is a really clever description. "Crystal clear" sort of refers to the "crystals"/gems inside the chest, and "precious kid" - well, the contents are quite precious!

“He-e-ey,” Chase’s voice was now low and offended. “I never talk prattle, alright? I always say clever and important things.”

xD

Why did Chase have to steal something from someone in only ten minutes? Was it a question of life and death? If so, then… Why? And when would I be brave enough to ask him about that?..

Ooh! Good cliffhanger! (Also, there are two extra periods after the last question mark that don't need to be there :D)

Overall, a solid chapter! You definitely have a strong hold on the characters and dialogue, and your grammar is good, so I'd mostly suggest looking at some descriptions - shortening long, clunky ones, and then sprinkling in some pretty imagery.

I hope you find this useful, and if you've got any questions just ask :)

Keep writing!

whatchamacallit




User avatar
158 Reviews


Points: 6160
Reviews: 158

Donate
Tue Jul 14, 2020 7:59 pm
Hkumar wrote a review...



Hello Draculus!

This chapter marked the beginning of Annabel's first attempt on stealing like a professional thief. I think the pace is going alright and we are slowly going into more depth in the story. All your chapters look well planned.
After showing her skills of pickpocketing to Chase, he revealed their bigger and main target in this town, the Korhanian merchants.

After that Chase showed her the algorithm more than once, but each time patiently, coldly, as any wise teacher would do, leading every Annabel's move, every single action.

Yet again Chase proved his patient nature and skills. He did his best to make Annabel learn the art of opening locks in such a limited time. I think this also shows how quick Annabel is in learning new techniques.
The plan of breaking into wagon was also executed very nicely. I was really enjoying your writing and didn't feel distracted while going on through your descriptions. Though I was apprehensive that something might go wrong in their act but everything came out to be just fine.
A slight jump of the shackle, a small click, - and the trunk’s insides were available to Annabel after three or four minutes of pure torture.......

Okay so this paragraph and the one just next to it were a bit too long. I think it will better if you break them. Though not a big issue.
I liked how confident Chase was while distracting the trader. I guess this trader wasn't that bold and strong to deal with a thief like him. Everything was so easily accomplished in their first big robbery. I don't know what they will be going for next after getting hold of so much treasure.
So overall it was a well written chapter, though there wasn't something very exciting but still it had a good flow and took us further into the story. I like the fact how you are gradually telling us more about this world by introducing new places and culture. Annabel has come a long way from that 'Garden' to these far away places. I wonder if there's going to be any encounter with her previous life or are we just going to move ahead to find completely new adventures.

Great work!
Keep writing :D




Draculus says...


Thank you! So glad you liked it) I'm gonna try to make the next chapter(s) contain more dynamics and interesting, maybe funny details for readers to get more excited. I hope I can do it.



User avatar
120 Reviews


Points: 5578
Reviews: 120

Donate
Tue Jul 14, 2020 4:07 pm
View Likes
Overwatchful wrote a review...



Hello, Stormblessed here!
Ok, so I just went through and read all of the chapters to catch up, and I have to say, I'm impressed! Your writing really improved, and the story is really creative! There are still a few grammar errors, and I'll point those put for you, though there may have been a few that I missed.

he wasn't the kind of men who cared about such matters

The correct word is "man"

lyrics of the fest song

Try "festival song"

punch him with her elbow

Punch is an odd verb in this context, maybe try "jab"?

behind Chases prattle

That word doesn't make sense in this sentence, so try"over"?

as he was explaining the trader

You need to put "to" in between "explaining" and "the"

like a ribbon of shining that lights everything around itself

This sentence is a bit awkward, maybe try "like a shining ribbon that lights everything around itself."

There seem to be two festivals going on at the same time in Renezar, the farming festival, and Brook Day. This is a little odd, so maybe revise that a bit?

Other than these, I think your story is great! I cant wait for the next part to come out!

Hope this helped!
Stormblessed242




Draculus says...


Thank you very much for pointing out the mistakes, that was really helpful) And about the festivals, I've emphasized that the Brook Day is a few days ahead of the present day. Maybe I just have formed the phrase in an unclear way, if so, then I'll probably try to rewrite it.



Overwatchful says...


No problem!




As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.
— Andrew Carnegie