The start of Casey's first game:
By far, the VR headset was the most comfortable she had ever worn. The seat even had a plump cushion on it. Yet Casey could feel the warm blush of her cheeks and the goosebumps on her skin, because she was not comfortable with the massive crowd of bar-goers all staring at her. They weren't only staring at her, she reminded herself. Aiden and Austin were similarly hooked up, as were twenty-seven other players, Arlo and that dreadlocked girl included.
"Count down started." The words flashed in front of her eyes, filling the darkness. An electronic voice filled her ears. "Game map... wooded town. Game level... normal." So at least she wasn't in a hard game. Casey realised she'd been holding her breath and exhaled. When she inhaled, she took in virtual air.
The world blinked into existence all at once. Casey felt solid ground beneath her, she was standing in the middle of a road. A drug store was in front of her, some houses lined the road to her left, and turning around, she was faced with a takeaway store. Above the buildings' roofs, she could see the tops of trees. This was what the 'wooded town' map looked like.
Casey knew she had ten minutes before the fighting began, and wondered what would be her best bet for weapons. That's what she'd need first, afterall. Food and shelter wouldn't matter if she was killed in the first day. Maybe she inject people with needles from the drug store, or gamble on finding a gun in someone's home, but the takeaway store would be guranteed to house knives. Knives that she didn't know how to kill with, but she'd feel safer with a weapon anyway.
"Sis!" The players started popping to life around her. Aiden was beside her, waving his arms back and forth. She noticed her own body was stiff, and started marching on the spot to get acquainted with the virtual world. "Let's team up for now, okay?"
"Sure."
He cupped his hands and shouted, "Austin!"
"Over here, bro!" Her brother emerged from between a couple of agitated women and ran over to them. Everyone seemed to be teaming up. The people she could see were whispering in hushed tones, shaking hands. Only one or two ran off on their own.
"What's the plan?" Aiden too turned his voice to a whisper.
"We need some loot."
"How about over there?" Casey suggested, pointing to the takeaway store.
"I could do with some burgers..." As soon as Austin spoke, the smell of frying oil filled the air. A pair of older men noticed too and headed for the doors. Casey second-guessed her strategy, but they couldn't hurt her, fighting wasn't allowed yet. Confirming her thoughts, a green countdown flashed before her eyes. Six minutes and twenty four seconds... Twenty two...
She felt a hand push her forwards, and Casey entered the building.
Casey meets Arlo:
Casey stopped in her tracks. On the tracks. About fifty metres away, hidden by some trees, the popular guy was annihilating a group of players. Casey was astounded by his skill and disregard for their lives, though she once again had to remind herself that none of this was real. He swung a knife back and forth, slashing at his opponents whilst his brown locks slashed the air around him. Each time someone tried to attack him, he just swiped his weapon and their HP dropped by a couple levels. He wasn't invincible, of course, and occasionally Casey heard a cry of frustration as his own HP faded from green to red.
She heard a crunch in the gravel behind her and leapt forward like a lion, sprinting down the tracks. No way was she wasting precious seconds to look behind her, but then she heard the flapping of wings and realised it was only a bird. She scolded herself, crouching by the tracks. Arlo was still preoccupied with one last player, but if he'd seen her... Casey wasn't stupid, she knew she couldn't take him.
With one graceful slash of his knife, Arlo sent his opponent back to the real world. He stretched out his arms in a way that made his back muscles pull his shirt taught. She wondered if he'd even attended school, or just spent all his time at the gym, practising for Five Emerge. He deposited the knife in his belt, clenched his fists, and swung right around. To face her.
Casey's hairs stood on end. He was looking right at her, completely expressionless under a layer of sweat. She looked behind her and considered running, the tracks were clear, maybe if she was fast... But he'd just killed at least three players by himself. Arlo was definitely faster. She could stay and defend herself, but with what? A kitchen knife? It was nothing compared to his own hunting one, and he was a pro with it. She'd only ever stabbed potatos. Casey pushed herself up from her crouching position and readied herself to do... Something.
Then Arlo smiled, wiped his brow and held up his hands. Was he surrendering? Casey watched as he stepped out of the trees, one slow step at a time.
"I'm not going to fight you!" He shouted, a little too loud for her liking. She looked around them, hoping no one else had heard. If beating Arlo by himself was impossible, she didn't want to think how impossible it would be if he had a friend to help kill her. Then again, what did Casey care if she left the game? She hated the game.
"Keep quiet!" She hissed, putting her foot forward. She would go to him so they could talk civially. If he attacked her, so be it. She could go home and study. If he didn't, well, she'd soon find out.
"Right. Don't want to alert anyone..." He quickened his pace, and soon the pair were within touching distance. He kept his hands raised though.
"Like I said. I'm not going to fight you. Though I could beat you, sure, if my HP weren't so low." Casey looked between his hands and the health bar appeared. His was almost as red as a stop sign. "You could hit me now, and I'd probably die." Casey faltered, and her right hand turned heavy.
Arlo quickly added, "But! You don't look like the fighting type. So let's say we form an alliance. You promise not to fight me, and I'll become your personal body guard." He winked at her and Casey wondered if it was all an act- no doubt the game was broadcasting this moment to the audience. Act or not, it seemed in her best interest to agree to go along.
"But will you promise not to fight me?" She asked.
"Hmm. You're smart. Sure, I promise." He slowly lowered his arms and held out a brawny hand to Casey. "Deal?"
Casey and Arlo meet Emma:
Though not a five-star hotel, the warehouse was dry and a nice change from the muddy canopy of the woods. Casey traipsed beside Arlo down a corridor, squinting to see the path in front of them. There were a few doors, but looking in, they led to vast, empty storerooms.
"Not very cosy..." Arlo complained. But better than being outdoors, she thought, or ripped apart till your HP hit zero.
"What about in there?" Casey pointed to a metal door at the end of the hall. It said 'staff only'. "Maybe there's food inside."
"Food sounds great."
When Arlo pushed on the door, it made a low groaning sound which echoed around the warehouse. Casey hoped to whatever god was listening that they were alone.
She heard a click from directly beside her and jumped. It was just the light-switch, though. She saw Arlo beaming with satisfaction as the staff room was illuminated. There were sofas with cushions. And a food dispenser. And an actual kitchenette with a most welcome addition...
"Coffee!" Casey swooned, hurrying to the machine. She flicked it on and watched as a funnel of steam began floating from its lid.
"Quiet!" Arlo hissed at her. She froze, nose enjoying the sweet scent of coffee beans, mind racing with worry. Arlo was standing in front of a sofa at the far end of the room, arms crossed. Was he looked behind it?
She tried to ask what was wrong, but daren't speak. Then she heard it, whimpering.
"Who are you?" Her companion said to the sofa.
"Ple... Please don't hurt me." It was a woman's voice. "I'm just waiting it out... le... Leave me be. Please."
"Answer my question."
"Emma. My name's Emma."
The coffee machine started shaking, the water reaching boiling point. The sound of it, mixed with the tension of that moment, formed goosebumps on Casey's skin. She shuffled over to the sofa and peered over. When the woman saw her, a whole other layer of ice appeared on her already watery eyes. She started to shake.
"Emma, this is Casey. I'm Arlo." Casey was sure he would just kill Emma on the spot, it was only a game afterall and he wanted to win. He'd made a pact with Casey, yeah, but only to save his own skin. This was different. He was being kind, properly kind. Why? Did the blonde, mousy-built woman remind him of someone?
"Please don't eliminate me." She spoke to Casey now.
"I wouldn't..."
"Emma," Arlo held out a hand to the shaking player, "come sit on the couch, and tell us why you're here."
Casey thought it was obvious. Everyone who entered the game did it to win fame, riches and glory. She was surprised to find Emma's reasons were completely selfless.
"I need the money for my daughter," she sobbed on the couch. Casey and Arlo sat on either side of her, Arlo not letting go of her hand even when the rain stopped pattering on the roof. "I can't send her to school, and my husband won't pay... If she doesn't get smart, she'll end up like me. I won't let that happen, I won't."
Casey wondered what she meant, but she focussed on Emma's wrinkles, and realised some of them were scars. She'd heard enough about domestic violence on the news to join the dots.
Arlo stared at the ground. "We won't hurt you Emma. I'm playing for someone else too." Emma's face lit up when he said that, as if they shared a bond that would guarantee her safety. So Arlo wasn't the greedy Five Emerge celebrity she'd thought. He had his reasons too.
"Five have to win, right?" Casey tried to the lighten the air. "There's only three of us."
"That's right," Arlo's eyes smiled at her, "we'll all emerge from this."
Emma squeezed his hand, and reached for Casey's. "Thank you." From that moment on, they were allies.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello! Feltrix here for a review. I'm sure you've figured that out from the bold text above.
"By far, the VR headset was the most comfortable she had ever worn." You need a more engaging beginning, if this is the first sentence of the first chapter. If this is the first sentence of the second chapter, it's fine, but if it's the first sentence of the book, it just doesn't draw me in.
Here are some points that I think need attention.
I. If Casey hates the game as she said, what is her motive here? Purely for the money? Does she want the money for something in particular?
II. Does the deadlock kid come back? Is she important? If not, why is she mentioned?
III. I would describe the combat with Arlo and the other kids in more detail. All we really have is him hacking people with a knife. I want a bit more detail. How many other players are their? I might just be morbid, but I want details.
IV. Dest brings up a valid point. You need to give Arlo and Casey more distinctive voices if they're the protagonists.
V. If you can win lots of money and fame, why do the games take place in a bar? Or is it just shown at bars?
VI. What happened to Aiden and Austin?
Unlike Dest, I think that the VR video game trope hasn't been developed enough to be cliché, and I had fun reading this!
Casey’s First Game:
I like this line.
As of now, I understand everything just fine. Casey, her brother, and her friends/acquaintances are in a virtual fighting (survival?) world. Since all those people in the bar watched them, I guess it’s a popular game.
Is this the first chapter because it reads like one. I don’t see anything wrong with it but I do not know how Casey acts yet. You piqued my interest when you mentioned a dreadlocked girl (I love dreadlocks). I am a bit confused with who is related and not. Are Aiden and Austin both Casey’s brothers?
Depending on where you take the plot the story could be interesting. Still, the kids in a virtual game they get stuck in, have to kill other players in, or turns out to be evil is getting a bit cliché. Hopefully, you can put your own unique twist on this trope.
Casey Meets Arlo:
I still don’t have a grasp of Casey’s personality. I guess she is slow to act and thinks out all her moves?
Okay, these lines are interesting, and I hope you expound on this. From the beginning, I thought Casey freely played the game. Which makes me wonders why is she playing a game she does not like?
Arlo seems too good to be true. I wouldn’t trust him if I was Casey.
Casey and Arlo Meet Emma:
I don’t particularly care about this sort of thing, but some people might enjoy more detail.
It should be “looking”
I literally had to look “daren’t” up. I had never seen this contraction before.
Okay, this made me smile. I love when characters inadvertently mention the book’s title.
If Arlo is such a smart player, why would he want a liability like Emma on his team?
So, it’s revealed why players play this virtual game. They want money and fame and glory. For me, there needs to be a second plotline, whether like someone goes around stealing everyone’s points, someone gets magical powers, or someone finds out there is a game conspiracy. This does not mean other people won’t like your plot as it is. I just don’t care for virtual game stories, so I need additional things to keep my interest.
I noticed a few typos and verb tense errors, but this is probably just a first draft so I won’t focus on grammar.
Overall, I understand the story but I want to understand Casey more. It would be nice if Casey had her own way of talking too. Right now, any of Arlo’s lines could be Casey’s. I want to know stuff like is Casey soft-spoken or not talkative or a rambler...
Anyway, keep writing!