(1) Snippets from my WIP, 'Five Emerge'

These are a few scenes from my current WIP, called Five Emerge. I'm looking for comments on the plot, what POV would work best, things that don't make sense, etc. Thank you. :)

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Entering the bar:

Casey couldn't believe she was spending her sixteenth birthday watching a game as barbaric as Five Emerge. She'd seen plenty of unethical virtual reality games in the media, but this topped the crazy list. Why would anyone would want to enter a warzone and slaughter those around them?

"Money," her brother, Austin, said. "Imagine what we could do with all those winnings."

"That place," her other brother, Aiden, pointed to a newly-built house as they passed, "could be ours. Think how many babes we'd attract."

"And all the booze. We could even hire a bartender."

Casey walked in silence as the twins planned how to spend their non-existent prize money. As if they could ever win a game of Five Emerge. They couldn't even run across the football field without breaking a sweat, let alone running from thirty blood-thirsty players.

A couple blocks over, the church bell rang eight times. Her first day as a sixteen year old was almost over. Casey sighed, kicking at a loose stone in the path. She would have preferred to be at home eating cake and watching documentaries, but Austin and Aiden had insisted that she accompany them to the gaming bar. You had to be sixteen to enter, and they said it was a rite of passage.

"Are we almost there?" She saw a neon light at the end of the street, it was in the shape of a VR headset. "Is that the bar?"

"Sure is, sis," Aiden grinned. "Welcome to the endless bliss of Five Emerge."

Endless bliss indeed, Casey could smell the stench of alcohol before she even stepped onto the curb. No one wonder her brothers liked this place.

"You look pretty young." A burly man, wearing all black, stood in front of the door.

"Casey's just turned sixteen," Austin said proudly. "We can vouch for her."

The man chuckled. "Happy birthday kid." He stepped aside, revealing a whirlpool of purple and blue strobe lighting. Her brothers pushed her inside.

Inside for the first time:

Alcohol. Trance music. Spots of light dancing in her eyes. People clinking glasses and shouting at each other. Casey's senses were overwhelmed. Aiden had his hand on her back, leading her to the far wall. They weaved through a criss-cross of tables, Casey trying to avoid the eyes of the assorted characters who sat at them. There was a man who wore a yellow tie-dye shirt but looked strong enough to crush a car, a woman who smelt like a florist, a couple trying to share a hamburger Lady and the Tramp style, and a guy her age reading a book.

"The usual for us." Austin was already at the bar, placing orders. "Let's have something relaxing for our sister."

"No!" She shrieked. "Just a soda." The book-reader started laughing and Casey blushed, wondering if he was laughing at her or his novel.

"It's your birthday, kid." Aiden patted a bar stool. "Sit down and chill."

"I'd prefer not to get arrested." The bar surface was stark white, reflecting the blue and purple lights above it. The wall behind were lined with square shelves, all filled with colourful bottles of liquor. The bartender picked a yellow one and poured its contents into a glass, bubbles spilling over the edge. Casey looked to her right, a girl with dreadlocks and a grim expression was watching his every move.

"Does this make up for last time?" The bartender said, depositing the glass in front the girl.

She swirled her finger though the pale liquid, then nodded. "Good enough. Thanks Trent."

As the bartender poured drinks for her brothers, Casey's eyes floated past the girl to the back of the building, or rather, the front. There was a raised platform, stretching from one side of the room to the other. On it was a semi-circle of computer desks, seated at which were thirty-odd people with VR headsets. Behind them the wall was covered in a massive screen, a mosh-pit had formed by the stage, the restless crowd cooing at a green orb on the screen.

"What does that mean?" Casey asked, picking up her fresh glass of soda. "Is it getting bigger?"

"That's the loading screen," Aiden explained. "A game's about to start."

"Wanna get closer?" Austin stood from his barstool.

"Heck yeah!" Aiden stood as well, and as much as Casey didn't want to join the noisy, possibly drunk crowd, she figured there wasn't much choice.

Watching the game:

The orb engulfed the entire screen, casting a green glow on the crowd. Then it disappeared, and Casey was looking at a prison yard. The dry lawn courtyard was surrounded by red-bricked buildings, a metal door on each wall. Thirty-odd people popped onto the lawn, and a timer appeared in the upper right hand corner of the screen. It was counting down from ten.

"That's them, yeah?" Casey studied the players seated at the desks, then compared them with those on the screen. They were the same people.

"You're watching the game." Aiden said, leading her past the tables and into the crowd. "It's a livestream."

"Sort of," Austin added as he elbowed a drunk man out of the way. "Game time is sped up, we only see the best bits." Casey nodded, she knew the basics of the game. Everyone who was anyone did. A classic game of Five Emerge went for two nights and three days in game, but for everyone watching it only lasted six hours. The computer algorithm decided which snippets were the most interesting, and gave the audience a six hour show.

"There's no way I'm staying for the whole thing," she shouted over the increasing volume of the game.

"Ally with me, and I'll give you half my winnings!" The game camera zoomed in on a woman with pigtails and a guy who couldn't have been much older than Casey, though he looked far more deadly than most of the players with his messy hair and blank expression.

The guy shook his head and moved away, but the woman grabbed his arm. "Eighty percent! Please!"

"I'm not allying with you, Judy. Find someone else to fund your beauty regime." The crowd laughed and the timer ticked down to one minute.

Casey bit her lip as Austin pulled her into the mob. The air around her was thick and all she could smell was sweat and alcohol.

"Sorry!" she squeked, accidentally stepping on a lady's foot. No one seemed to care though, and Casey found herself being pushed and prodded by the restless crowd.

As the ten-second countdown started, Casey was able to breathe in a lungfull of fresh air. They were in the front row now. The player's backs close enough to touch and the bright screen burned her eyes.

"Three!" They shouted. "Two! One!"

In game, all hell broke loose. The metal doors were open and about half of the people had escaped through them, but those who remained were trying to murder each other. Fists were flying, nails ripped at flesh and bodies collided. The prison courtyard didn't house any weapons, but none were needed.

"This is crazy," Casey groaned. The camera zoomed in on a brawny man, who struck his fist into the jaw of a boy with glasses. The HP bar above the boy's head, a bright green, instantly turned to a dull red. Casey's hands flew to her ears as the boy screamed. The man hit him once more and his HP bar flashed bright red, then disappeared completely. A second later, so did the boy.

Aiden fist-bumped the air, and Austin's cheers mixed with everyone elses. Casey silently scolded them all, what was so entertaining about a teenager being beaten by a man triple his size? When the boy returned to reality and took off his headset, she saw the tears running down his cheek. Five Emerge was even worse than she'd originally thought.

"You're sick," she hissed at her brothers.

"Chill out, sis. Hey-" Aiden pointed at the left of the screen, "keep an eye on that one." The emotionless guy who'd refused to ally with Judy was running along a dirt road, a knife in his hand. Casey squinted, there was someone walking in the distance. Was he going to attack them? Stab them? It was a good thing no one felt pain in Five Emerge.

"That's Arlo," Aiden explained. "He's bloody talented, that guy. Wins every game."

"Excuse me..." Casey turned her attention to a woman who was trying to push past her. She smelt of beernuts, and held a glass of drink in her shaking hands.

"Sorry." Casey moved out of the way, but there was no where for the woman to go. She walked right into the stage, giggled, then turned around and walked right back into Casey. She felt her shirt dampen, then shivered as a cold liquid ran down her chest.

"Watch it!" Austin shoved the drunk woman away and looked at Casey's shirt. "That's gonna stain."

"Let's go home, yeah?" She was soaked in brown alcohol, but didn't really mind. This was a great excuse to get the hell out of there.

Her brothers glanced at each other, then shrugged.

"This way!" On screen, Casey saw two girls run into a supermarket. Then she turned into the crowd and headed for the bar.

The girl with dreadlocks laughed when she saw her. "You look awful, kid."

"Thanks," she said sarcastically, but smiled when the girl handed her a napkin.

"Get used to this, Casey." Austin said. "We're coming back tomorrow. And you're-" The crowd booed, blocking out his last words.

"What did you say?" Casey asked, wiping away her shirt.

"I said you're going to play the game!"

She dropped the napkin. "What?"

"You have to. It's a rite of passage. No one at school will take you seriosuly if you don't."

The dreadlock girl raised an eyebrow. "Playing, huh?" Casey shook her head, but was ignored. "Maybe I'll see you in game."

"And us. Aiden winked at her. "We're playing too."

"Wink at me again and I'll throttle you."

Aiden's cheeks turned bright red. "C'mon, bro, let's go." Casey followed them out, holding her breath as she passed the daunting doorman. She wasn't looking forward to seeing him again. She wasn't looking forward to any of it. Five Emerge was stupid, barbaric, immoral! Yet they were right, it was a rite of passage. All the older kids at school had played, and if Casey wanted her peers to respect her, she'd have to play too.