Today was September 2nd, the first day of school. For Kerry, it was the last first day of school. She found it hard to believe that she was already a senior, but it made her happy that she was going into her last ever school year. In 9 months, she’d be in a graduation gown and cap, with a high school diploma in her hand.
Kerry looked into the mirror with glee. She felt confident and in control. She was wearing a brown business skirt, fishnet tights, black high heels, and a pink v-neck shirt. Her light brown hair was curled, and she had her yellow leather messenger bag, which was adorned with several pins from various occasions, was slumped over her right shoulder.
Ever since she was 5, she’d slept in the same room – in a small loft above the house. When she’d moved in, it was old, dusty, and beaten up. She had made it her own, painting the walls a dark blue and getting pale blue carpeting, buying black wooden furniture, which consisted of her bed, her dresser, and a bookcase. It wasn’t very big, but It was a cozy, and a little place for Kerry to hang out whenever she needed alone time.
She smiled, opening the trap door and climbing down the ladder to the kitchen below.
Her parents were sitting down at the sleek wooden table, cups of coffee in hand.
“Morning Kerry,” welcomed her father, his voice deep and booming.
“You excited?” asked her mother, “Senior. I never thought it would happen,”
“Yep,” Kerry sighed, as she poured herself a bowl of cereal.
After she finished, she waved goodbye to her parents, and got into her car – a green Volkswagen Beetle, and drove the short distance to Bowness High School, where she’d been going since freshman year.
The terrain was rough and hilly, and it made Kerry shake a little, even though she’d lived in Bowness, which was a small town on the shores of Lake Windmere, in the county of Cumbria, in England. It was a fun area to live in.
She got to school; a brick expanse partially hidden by trees and draped in a banner boldly declaring the name.
Kerry smiled at the familiar site, as if she was visiting an old friend. It had only seemed like yesterday since Kerry had celebrated the last day of her junior year. Now she was a senior. As she walked in, she saw a group of children who were headed to the auditorium. She mixed herself in the group, looking for her best friend Dorothy and her boyfriend Lucas.
The students were instructed to sit by homerooms. Kerry pulled out her schedule, looking for the name. It was Clark. She saw were the rest of her homeroom was, and went to go sit by them. Kerry sat through a dull orientation that seemed to last forever, when finally; it was time for 1st Period.
Kerry had Social Studies. She looked at her schedule and went to room 205. It was a small room, with pale blue carpeting and crisp white walls. Each desk was a light colored wood, and the chairs were blue and plastic.
“Pleased you could join us, Miss Archer,” said the teacher sarcastically. Kerry did not recognize him. He was tall and muscular, with unkempt red hair and thick glasses. He was wearing a red and white polo – tucked in – with khaki pants. Maybe he’s a new teacher, she thought. Kerry frowned, noticing she was the last one to come in the classroom, “You may take a seat right next to Dorothy,”
Kerry smiled, pleased that her friend was in the class. She set her books down on the desk. “What’s up?” she asked.
“Not much,” Dorothy responded, “I like your outfit,”
“Thanks,” Kerry replied.
She opened her mouth to speak, but then the teacher cleared his throat to begin. He wrote his name on the board.
“I am Mr. Cook. Now, the ground rules for this class-”
Mr. Cook was interrupted by the knock of the classroom door. He frowned, angrily dropping his chalk.
“Yes?” he asked, irritated.
The door opened, and Kerry recognized Principal Leonard. He had a student in his arm. Kerry did not recognize her, so she figured the student must be new. She was short, and she had long black hair with red streaks. She was wearing a red hoodie with a cheetah print, long black gloves, and black and white checkered pants.
“Mr. Cook, this is Lauren McCullough. She’s new. She’ll be joining your class,”
“Well, Lauren?” Mr. Cook asked, “Do you want to introduce yourself or something?”
“Sure,” she responded quietly. Kerry noticed she had a thick American accent. Lauren rummaged through her black, skull bag, pulling out a crumpled sheet of paper.
“Well yea,” she mumbled, “So, my name’s Lauren, I’m from the Boston area- that’s in the US, and yea,” she put her paper away and looked at the teacher.
As Lauren took her seat, which was two desks down from Kerry, Kerry had been eyeing the new girl curiously. She seemed very different. Kerry had not met anyone from the US before. She also thought the girl had a weird sense of style. Kerry also thought it was funny about how quiet she was. She sighed, deciding to try to ignore the girl as much as possible.
She picked at her nails, which were purple and neatly trimmed.
“What do you think about her?” Kerry asked, leaning over towards Dorothy.
“Who?”
“The new kid,”
“Weird. She hasn’t even smiled yet,”
“I know, right? What’s up with her?” Kerry asked, staring over at Lauren again. She had her head down her desk and her arm across her shoulder. She looked liked she was in pain. Must be from the move, Kerry thought.
“Give her time,” Dorothy said simply. She pulled her long, chocolate brown hair up in a ponytail, and then looked at Lauren again, “Kerry…we should probably try to be her friend,”
“What?” Kerry responded angrily. The last thing she wanted was an American who didn’t smile and dressed weird for a friend.
“I mean, come on Kerry. Poor girl is new. She probably had to leave all her friends behind, and she doesn’t know anyone here. You need to be nice, Kerry. There are going to be people who are different then you,”
“Fine,” Kerry sighed, “ I guess we can try to be her friend,”
Hey.
I thought this was very entertaining to read, good job! The only suggestions I would make would be to add more detail in her surroundings to give us more of a visual. Other then that im anxious to read more and I encourage you to keep writing.
Following up on Karsten's comments...
Okay, auditorium, do you mean the "main hall" or just cut down to "hall"
Registration would be a little too formal for every-day school girl language, "form" or "form time"
Orientation?
Social studies would be either P.A.C.E or P.S.H.E (I think) P.S.H.E would be more commonly used.
Again, "headmaster" would be a little too formal. (Just a little) Head? Headteacher?
"Dresser" would be "draws"
"schedule" would be time-table
In 9 months, she’d be in a graduation gown and cap, with a high school diploma in her hand.
Ever since she was 5
1st Period.
“You may take a seat right next to Dorothy,”
He had a student in his arm.
“Well yea,”
Hi DrPepper,
Following up on Awake's comments about this not reading like a real English setting, differences you might find helpful:
* We don't express dates as September 2nd, but as the 2nd of September or September the 2nd.
* We don't have high schools. The equivalent term is secondary school, but it's more likely the school would be called just Bowness School.
* We don't have freshman, junior or senior years. Pupils start secondary school aged 11 in Year 7, then up to age 16 in Year 11, then enter sixth form (this may be part of the same school) aged 17 in Year 12 (possibly Lower Sixth) and finish up aged 18 in Year 13 (possibly Upper Sixth).
* We don't have graduation from school, so we don't have graduation gowns and caps. You might find a Leavers' Ball equivalent for your purposes.
* We don't have high school diplomas. You leave school at 16 with GCSEs or at 18 with A-levels.
* We don't wear our own clothes to school - we have school uniforms.
* Dress code for teachers is more like business casual, not polo shirts and khaki trousers.
* On that note, what you call pants an English narrator would call trousers.
* I'm not sure what you mean by auditorium in this context, but I'm pretty sure we don't have those.
* We don't have homeroom. I think you mean registration.
* Whatever orientation is, we call it something different.
* Not sure what Social Studies is, but we don't have that here.
* We don't have principals. Headmaster is the term.
If you're not familiar with English schools, you might find it easier just to stick to US settings. Frequent errors of this nature make the whole piece feel unrealistic and poorly researched, whereas I imagine your depiction of a US setting would be much more believable.
Hope this helped,
Karsten
Hello,
This first chapter has a lot of potential. Aside from grammar or punctuation, you are still telling not showing and are really going far into detail of people and not setting. Like there's no feel to what is surrounding the character. Sometime what surrounds the characters can help develop them. That's what I'm getting out of it personally.
From what I read from about what they're wearing, this must be some funky-punky future! I'm in high school and no one wears fishnets with anything and I go to a pretty far out there school. But I have to say, it certainly gives character. This checkered, cheetah printed, in pain Lauren creature is going to be our Vamp-girl right?
Also, not that I noticed anything with the conversations but this is supposed to be set in England. Not that you can have accents per say but speech is different. Words mean different things. There is slang as well as culture in the speech. Please keep this in mind. Personally I'm not from England but where I live, we have similar speech to that of the British. When we speak to those out side of where we live we are often mistaken for people from the UK.
My reviews are very short and more on content than punctuation.
Certain parts of this were very descriptive, congratulations from a Lovecraft fan here on that, however your description can at times be very curt and almost sped up so that we loose track of exactly what it is that your meaning to show us, and in some cases make me stumble.
As an opening entry, this was very good, your a begining writer and so far your writing is already pretty well on its way to higher development.
When describing locations and places, be sure to do it all at once or over a short, quick description that doesnt interrupt the flow of the story, so as to keep me, the reader, from going "yeah, yeah, go on."
The story itself, very interesting, with a little tweaking it could be a definate great.
I look forward to more.
Exe's and Oh's, Eraqio.
PS. Dream with your boots on.
The terrain was rough and hilly, and it made Kerry shake a little, even though she’d lived in Bowness, which was a small town on the shores of Lake Windmere, in the county of Cumbria, in England. It was a fun area to live in.
Kerry sat through a dull orientation that seemed to last forever, when finally; it was time for 1st Period.
“Pleased you could join us, Miss Archer,” said the teacher sarcastically. Kerry did not recognize him.
As Lauren took her seat, which was two desks down from Kerry, Kerry had been eyeing the new girl curiously. She seemed very different. Kerry had not met anyone from the US before. She also thought the girl had a weird sense of style. Kerry also thought it was funny about how quiet she was. She sighed, deciding to try to ignore the girl as much as possible.
The last thing she wanted was an American who didn’t smile and dressed weird for a friend.
)
Oops. sorry, i've never quotted before, and I thouth that I was doing it right. I guess not. Anyway, the parts that were awkward, I'll just Type.
"The terrain was rough and hilly, and it made Kerry shake a little, even though she’d lived in Bowness, which was a small town on the shores of Lake Windmere, in the county of Cumbria, in England. It was a fun area to live in."
It's confusing. It's a sentence were you start a thought, but never end it. Even though she lived in Bownes...Yeah? What about it?
Here's the other confusing part.
"Pleased you could join us, Miss Archer,” said the teacher sarcastically."
I think that you mean, "Could you please join us, Miss Archer," said the teacher sarcastically. And if she just met him, how does he know her and Dorothy's names?
other than that, it was pretty good. Keep at it. I want to know more about Mysterious American Girl.
Today was September 2nd, the first day of school. For Kerry, it was the last first day of school. She found it hard to believe that she was already a senior, but it made her happy that she was going into her last ever school year. In 9 months, she’d be in a graduation gown and cap, with a high school diploma in her hand.
Kerry looked into the mirror with glee. She felt confident and in control. She was wearing a brown business skirt, fishnet tights, black high heels, and a pink v-neck shirt. Her light brown hair was curled, and she had her yellow leather messenger bag, which was adorned with several pins from various occasions, was slumped over her right shoulder.
Ever since she was 5, she’d slept in the same room – in a small loft above the house. When she’d moved in, it was old, dusty, and beaten up. She had made it her own, painting the walls a dark blue and getting pale blue carpeting, buying black wooden furniture, which consisted of her bed, her dresser, and a bookcase. It wasn’t very big, but It was a cozy, and a little place for Kerry to hang out whenever she needed alone time.
She smiled, opening the trap door and climbing down the ladder to the kitchen below.
Her parents were sitting down at the sleek wooden table, cups of coffee in hand.
“Morning Kerry,” welcomed her father, his voice deep and booming.
“You excited?” asked her mother, “Senior. I never thought it would happen,”
“Yep,” Kerry sighed, as she poured herself a bowl of cereal.
After she finished, she waved goodbye to her parents, and got into her car – a green Volkswagen Beetle, and drove the short distance to Bowness High School, where she’d been going since freshman year.
[quote="DrPepperSkaterPunk"]The terrain was rough and hilly, and it made Kerry shake a little, even though she’d lived in Bowness, which was a small town on the shores of Lake Windmere, in the county of Cumbria, in England. It was a fun area to live in.[/quote]
She got to school; a brick expanse partially hidden by trees and draped in a banner boldly declaring the name.
Kerry smiled at the familiar site, as if she was visiting an old friend. It had only seemed like yesterday since Kerry had celebrated the last day of her junior year. Now she was a senior. As she walked in, she saw a group of children who were headed to the auditorium. She mixed herself in the group, looking for her best friend Dorothy and her boyfriend Lucas.
The students were instructed to sit by homerooms. Kerry pulled out her schedule, looking for the name. It was Clark. She saw were the rest of her homeroom was, and went to go sit by them. Kerry sat through a dull orientation that seemed to last forever, when finally; it was time for 1st Period.
Kerry had Social Studies. She looked at her schedule and went to room 205. It was a small room, with pale blue carpeting and crisp white walls. Each desk was a light colored wood, and the chairs were blue and plastic.
“Pleased you could join us, Miss Archer,” said the teacher sarcastically. Kerry did not recognize him. He was tall and muscular, with unkempt red hair and thick glasses. He was wearing a red and white polo – tucked in – with khaki pants. Maybe he’s a new teacher, she thought. Kerry frowned, noticing she was the last one to come in the classroom, “You may take a seat right next to Dorothy,”
Kerry smiled, pleased that her friend was in the class. She set her books down on the desk. “What’s up?” she asked.
“Not much,” Dorothy responded, “I like your outfit,”
“Thanks,” Kerry replied.
She opened her mouth to speak, but then the teacher cleared his throat to begin. He wrote his name on the board.
“I am Mr. Cook. Now, the ground rules for this class-”
Mr. Cook was interrupted by the knock of the classroom door. He frowned, angrily dropping his chalk.
“Yes?” he asked, irritated.
The door opened, and Kerry recognized Principal Leonard. He had a student in his arm. Kerry did not recognize her, so she figured the student must be new. She was short, and she had long black hair with red streaks. She was wearing a red hoodie with a cheetah print, long black gloves, and black and white checkered pants.
“Mr. Cook, this is Lauren McCullough. She’s new. She’ll be joining your class,”
“Well, Lauren?” Mr. Cook asked, “Do you want to introduce yourself or something?”
“Sure,” she responded quietly. Kerry noticed she had a thick American accent. Lauren rummaged through her black, skull bag, pulling out a crumpled sheet of paper.
“Well yea,” she mumbled, “So, my name’s Lauren, I’m from the Boston area- that’s in the US, and yea,” she put her paper away and looked at the teacher.
As Lauren took her seat, which was two desks down from Kerry, Kerry had been eyeing the new girl curiously. She seemed very different. Kerry had not met anyone from the US before. She also thought the girl had a weird sense of style. Kerry also thought it was funny about how quiet she was. She sighed, deciding to try to ignore the girl as much as possible.
She picked at her nails, which were purple and neatly trimmed.
“What do you think about her?” Kerry asked, leaning over towards Dorothy.
“Who?”
“The new kid,”
“Weird. She hasn’t even smiled yet,”
“I know, right? What’s up with her?” Kerry asked, staring over at Lauren again. She had her head down her desk and her arm across her shoulder. She looked liked she was in pain. Must be from the move, Kerry thought.
“Give her time,” Dorothy said simply. She pulled her long, chocolate brown hair up in a ponytail, and then looked at Lauren again, “Kerry…we should probably try to be her friend,”
“What?” Kerry responded angrily. The last thing she wanted was an American who didn’t smile and dressed weird for a friend.
“I mean, come on Kerry. Poor girl is new. She probably had to leave all her friends behind, and she doesn’t know anyone here. You need to be nice, Kerry. There are going to be people who are different then you,”
“Fine,” Kerry sighed, “ I guess we can try to be her friend,”
Hi, Dr. Pepper. I'm KJ. I noticed that you've gotten more than enough nitpicks, so I'll leave off on those this time. I wanted to give you a couple observations of mine in hopes that they would help you improve your story's beginning.
The hook. It bothered me more than anything else. It's too typical. A date, a morning, a girl waking up. It's been done. Now, granted, it would be pretty hard to find a hook that hasn't been used out of all of the world's literature, but still. You could try to use something a little more eye-catching, a little less dry. Is there a song you love? Use the lyrics. Is there a poem you enjoy? Give us the lines. Is there a mental image in your head thats always there? Tell us about it. I just want MORE.
Now, your plot. The parents, the friends, the high school. Like your hook - I feel like I'm being harsh, and I'm not enjoying it, but it needs to be said - it's typical. It's BEEN DONE. The vampires, the new kid. All of it. When I read this, I felt like I was rereading something. You need more intrigue, Dr. Pepper. More descriptions, more emotions, more mystery. MORE. Like a mantra, I'm just saying it, MORE.
I hate that all of this is negative, but on the praising side, the world you've created does seem real. And even though I felt like I was rereading something, that means that you've got talent. Keep writing! Don't ever give up. Just keep looking for fresh ideas.
Your friend,
KJ
Nice start. Didn't notice many problems, except for one paragraph:
The students were instructed to sit by homerooms. Kerry pulled out her schedule, looking for the name. It was Clark. She saw were the rest of her homeroom was, and went to go sit by them. Kerry sat through a dull orientation that seemed to last forever, when finally; it was time for 1st Period.
"Were" should be "where." Also, the semi-colon is used incorrectly. Just remove it. No need for punctuation there.
Didn't notice anything else. Let me know when you update.
Hey there! =[}
NITPICKING TIME! xP
consisted of her bed, her dresser, and a bookcase. It wasn’t very big, but It was a cozy, and a little place for Kerry to hang out whenever she needed alone time.
“You excited?” asked her mother, “Senior. I never thought it would happen,”
“Yep,” Kerry sighed, as she poured herself a bowl of cereal.
The terrain was rough and hilly, and it made Kerry shake a little, even though she’d lived in Bowness, which was a small town on the shores of Lake Windmere, in the county of Cumbria, in England.
1st Period.
“You may take a seat right next to Dorothy,”
As Lauren took her seat, which was two desks down from Kerry, Kerry had been eyeing the new girl curiously
She picked at her nails, which were purple and neatly trimmed.
“I mean, come on Kerry. Poor girl is new
Hi Dr. Pepper! As you've requested, I will review.
So... I read the first 2 paragraphs and stopped because I've already found a problem.
I can't get over the fact that you're telling rather than showing. You're telling us "she wore this and that" and "she did this" and you're just giving us all of the information. You have to paint an image in our minds and use imagery words! Use the 5 senses!
Also, you need to write numbers in the actual word form unless it's over 100. (in stories I mean)
Since this is beginning, I suggest you hook the reader in the beginning because it sounds cliche. Senior Year? Is this High School Musical in book form? That's what the readers are thinking. You need to immediately hook the readers so they'll want to read on. You also need to somehow catch a glimpse of how it's not cliche.
Good luck writing ^^
Shina
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