A Mother's Concern

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The little boy ran through the hallway, holding his little toy plane as high as he could. The cold hardwood floor provided a flat surface and a decent enough runway for the toy plane to land on. The boy entered the living room and ran around faster and faster. He ran through the kitchen and past his mother, who was busy cooking lunch.

“Where are you going, my son?” asked the mother with a tone of amusement.

“I’m going all around the world! And I’ll fly you all over mommy,” replied the young child with unwavering enthusiasm.

Ten years passed and time found this boy in his freshman year of high school. He strode down the hall, his steps echoing off the walls. He wore a dark black suit jacket, a pale white shirt, and tie that had black and gray stripes running adjacent to each other. Black slacks ran up the length of his legs, and polished dress shoes concealed his feet that powered his speed walk. He was leaving school late and would be attending a party with friends at the end of the day. He arrived at home, dropped off his bag, and was just about to walk out the front door.

“Where are you going, my son?” asked his mother, as she lay on the couch reading a thick book.

“I’m going to party; I’ll be back before midnight. Get off my back!” replied the teenager with an annoyed tone in his voice.

Another ten years passed and time found this young man walking down the halls of a busy airport. He carried a black suitcase, with the logo of an airline embedded on the front. He wore a pilot uniform, which displayed four gold bars on the sleeves. His jet black hair was slowly beginning to gray, and a thin black mustache grew on his upper lip. His mother was waiting for him at the gate of his airplane, before he jetted off to some place far off in the distance.

“Where are you going, my son?” asked the mother.

“I’m flying off to Dubai. I’ll be back in about a month or two, if I can win the bid to fly this route again,” replied the pilot, with a tone of authority.

The captain opened the jetway door, and stepped into the airplane’s cockpit. He looked through the terminal window and saw his mother. His poor mother, who was turning older every day.

Ten years passed and time found this pilot sitting beside a hospital bed. His uniform, now wrinkled with the travels it’s been through, bore the four gold stripes that identified his rank as captain. The hospital room light flickered and long cracks ran through the tiled floor. The bed itself had pure white sheets, and an old women hanging on to the very last threads of life. She turned her face, now wrinkled and fatigued, her eyes so tired. She turned this face to her son, and looked him dead in the eye.

“Where are you going, my son?” asked the mother, her voice barely managing to produce any sound at all.

The son looked back, his eyes full of tears. His once jet black hair now turned to hair full of gray.

“I’m staying here mother…it’s you who’s leaving me and going so far away.”

And moments later, the heart monitor that showed the mother’s pulse displayed a straight line and played a never ending tone, indicating the ending of one’s life.

Hi, this is my very first review.
This is a VERY TOUCHING story. And your narration was very good. At first, the boy replies with enthusiasm. Then as he grew into a teenager, he replies with annoyance and as he became a middle aged man, he replies with authority. But the mother remains the same, just a concerned mother. Those words fuse with other details of development of the child.
And the ending was heart wrenching.
"And moments later, the heart monitor that showed the mother’s pulse displayed a straight line and played a never ending tone, indicating the ending of one’s life" I really loved this. I felt something very painful when I read it.
On the whole, everything about this story is pretty and painful. Everything is perfect.
Keep writing. I want to read more of your works.

RIGHT IN THE FEELS!
This is so sweet and sad. The last sentence was heartbreaking. But this is a great story.

Heyyo! Voiceofdragons here with a quick review!

I literally screamed when I finished this. This was so cute--and then suddenly you're ripping mY HEART OUT LIKE YOU HAVE ANY RIGHT.

So in the beginning when the little boy was flying around the plane, I just knew he was going to be a pilot. Nice foreshadowing there! And the "I'm going to fly you around the world, mommy!" Literally killed me by the end because he didn't end up doing it. I think it would have killed me more if he like...brought her ashes and spread them from his plane or took a picture of her around the world in his later flights after she had passed.

Poor guy greying already at 25! I guess it gives him a more distinguished look anyhow.

I love the repetition of the mother's words. Like. Good bye heart I didn't need you anyway.

I liked your descriptions of his attire.

The only thing I caught was "the old women" should be "woman".

Ah. AhhhhhHHHHhh. This was lovely. Keep up the good work!

Hey, crobbins here for a review!

First of all, I saw you are a new member here! Welcome! (By reading this you couldn't tell you were new, though ). Congrats for putting your writing out into the public! It takes a lot of courage.

So, onto some nit-picks!

The first is a simple spelling mistake I found: "The bed itself had pure white sheets, and an old women hanging on to the very last threads of life." I think you meant 'woman' not 'women,' as 'women' is plural, and you are talking about a singular person here. There is also an indefinite article used with a plural noun here.

Although you used some great details in here, like: "The cold hardwood floor provided a flat surface and a decent enough runway for the toy plane to land on..." I would have loved to see more details!

Alright, that's all I found for spelling and grammar/formatting issues!

Now, I really loved this piece! It demonstrated both the development a child goes through, and how that development affects their parent. It is pieces like this that make me want to go and give my mom a big hug after I read it!

I loved the use of repetition in this piece as well: "“Where are you going, my son?” asked the mother..." I think repetition is a great literary device to use in pieces like this. It keeps a sense of constancy to the writing, keeping your readers informed and able to track what is happening.

"And moments later, the heart monitor that showed the mother’s pulse displayed a straight line and played a never ending tone, indicating the ending of one’s life." Wow. What a great yet heartbreaking ending line(s). I found myself drying a few runaway tears! (A long time since I have had that reaction to a work on YWS, kudos!)

I also found that I loved that the boy got his dream of being a pilot. I thought it brought triumph into the story that had a very sad ending, making the reader more engaged.

So overall, great job! Very few errors here! I'd love to read more of your work!

-crobbins

(PS: I love your writing style. Seriously!)

First 8 just want to say great story. Absolutely great. As the story progressed, my caring got harder. Seriously, this was beautiful. I love how it's so filled with truth about how life is. Now things I'd change if I were you.

The transitions into 10 years a little abrupt, but in the first you did a good job of introducing the loss of innocence of the young age to being a teenager. After that, it became more sudden so I think you should do something like that with the others.

Also, for the very last line, I don't think you need the "indicating the ending of one's life" part. You should leave it at "displayed a straight line" and maybe even keep "and played a never ending tone"

I think it was very clever that the mother only ever used that one sentence and it made the story that much more significant. This story is so sad, yet true about life. Children do grow up, and they do become those rude teenagers, but then they grow up and go there own way and in the end, they realize what they had and took for granted, but it is too late. You are an absolutely stunning writer and I really wish to read more of your work. I hope this review helps.

Hi! QofS here for a reveiw. I clicked on this peice out of curiously. Wow! This is so good!

I have to say, as I was reading this, I forgot that I was on YWS! Your peices was so short, sweet, and sad (but in a good way).

You perfectaly captured all of the life stages and the attatude that we hold towards our mothers. When we're kids we want look up to our parents and never get tired of them. (Yes,I have been that way.) When we are teenagers, we want them off our back. When we are an adult, we just do our own thing. Like I said, you catptured the different life stages perfactaly.

I loved the mother. She's so realistic, and she just wants to protect her son. It was sad that the son didn't seem to give her any attenton, like mothers and sons sometimes do. This was so realistic. Awesome job.

And the ending! I litteraly forgot that I was on YWS, I honistaly felt like crying ( which hasn't happened after reading writing.) It was so realistic and heatbreaking. His mother just wanted to make sure that her son was ok, and through the story he couldn't give her the time of day. It's great when your writing evokes emotions in your reader. Keep writing like that.

“Where are you going, my son?” asked the mother with a tone of amusement.

“I’m going all around the world! And I’ll fly you all over, mommy,” replied the young child with unwavering enthusiasm.

Ten years passed and time found this boy in his freshman year of high school. He strode down the hall, his steps echoing off the walls. He wore a dark black suit jacket, a pale white shirt, and tie that had black and gray stripes running adjacent to each other. Black slacks ran up the length of his legs, and polished dress shoes concealed his feet that powered his speed walk.

“I’m going to party; I’ll be back before midnight. Get off my back!” replied the teenager with an annoyed tone in his voice.

He carried a black suitcase, with the logo of an airline embedded on the front

The captain opened the jetway door, and stepped into the airplane’s cockpit.

She turned this face to her son, and looked him dead in the eye.

“I’m staying here mother…it’s you who’s leaving me and going so far away.”