Wherefore shall I write, whence only for thee –
She, inspiration of inspirations
Lest for thee, wherefore thine loving breath be –
She, Cupid’s victorious coronation
Thine words be fickle, neglectful of art
No more than musings, no less than flattery
For such labor is the language of heart –
For words are sold in love’s honest luxury
So lend thy time, and my love I shall wage
Sealed by a syllable of affection
With love – with thee – gracing thine mortal page
That man may speak of godly perfection
To thee I write, which words could never say
She, light of my night, Star of my day
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hi,
This flows nicely and you handle the form well. The tone is consistent throughout.
I think it would be interesting to try this without the archaic language - it might make it a bit fresher. I'd recommend reading some modern sonnets so you can have a few examples of how this is done.
In some lines the syllables are a little off. For example, line four is a syllable too long. I find it helps to go through each line and read it aloud, counting each syllable on your fingers.
My only other quibble is the switching between thee and she. I think it would be more powerful if you decided whether the speaker is addressing this to his love or talking about her.
You seem to have an ear for the sonnet form - your rhymes sounded nice and natural throughout, so I definetely feel it's worth playing around with.
Hope this helps.
If you have any questions, feel free to p.m me.
Jas
Oh, this was so beautiful! I really liked it! I don't know sonnet structure, so I dare not attempt critique-y-ness, but I just have to say that I loved it. It made my day. I'm sure Maureen would love it if she saw it. I just made the Shakespeare team at my school, and I love that kind of literature, and this is just the type of thing I like to read. Awesome job, would love to hear more from you!