With her a thousand dancing daffodils
Swaying winter, waltzing welcome the spring
And summer sunsets scribed from solstice quills
Whilst sunrise symphonies she softly sing
For she is my season – my age of youth
My return to love, my return to grace
A lifeless bark, with love breeds lavish fruit
And to my sorrow, upon it disgrace
Thou art the fair fairy of fleeting time -
Doth change pastures, lest love is free to bloom
From willowy woe, to love’s rarest rhyme –
With but thy lips, lays my troubles its tomb
That warmth winter takes, and frigid leaves fall
Love grows long as life lives, long as time recall
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I tried writing a couple sonnets, but I fear I will never match up to this one. Wow, it almost made me cry. But thanks to DrElefant teaching me how to write them, I can critique it really fast!
Jasmine Hart caught the awkward second sentence, but I noticed one thing in regards to the structure. I counted the syllables in the last line about seven times, and every single time I came up with...ELEVEN! Perhaps take the first six and make them five by saying "Love expands with life". Just a suggestion, but it's going to bug me forever if you don't fix it.
Hehe. I will always be grateful to you for teaching me how to write sonnets!
This sonnet was especially beautiful! I loved it! Amaaaaazing job!
I just have to say I LOVED this! I don't even know if I understand exactly what it's saying I just love the flow and all the brilliant word combinations etc. Anyways thank you for sharing this was an absolute joy to read!
Chimp.
Hi,
You handle the form well. You use language well, and have some beautiful lines like:
"For she is my season – my age of youth
My return to love, my return to grace
A lifeless bark, with love breeds lavish fruit".
I also love "willowy woe."
I think that the alliteration/sibilance is a bit overdone so I'd scale it back a bit, and I'd take another look at the second line as it's phrased awkwardly and doesn't really make sense.
I'd cut the archaic language like "thou" as it's not needed and jars a bit.
A pleasure overall.
Hope this helps.
Jas