This is my slam about food and hunger
Which causes such a great disaster
So many children in the world are starving
While in them rich countries, people on wasting
Wasting food, so many of them could take
With a grateful heart and a smile not so fake
8.3 million tones of food gone in thin air
What a loss since children keep dying each year
This is my plea, can anyone hear me?
Children have the right to be free and healthy!
A child in the night cries
She ain’t got no-one to care for her
And her flimsy future lies
Ahead so misty and unsure
To say that hunger will, eventually disappear
Is something that we all, really wanna hear
And there’s only one way, we can make this come true
We gotta show love, ‘cause there’s a lot that it can do
Think about that little child, craving to eat
With just this thought, we could make him complete
Think about that girl, crying her heart out
With hollow eyes, and an ever-lasting pout
With just a thought, we could make a difference
We could put a smile on a child without defence
Yeah think about all those dazzling smiles
That would make our world sparkle
If we could make hunger run miles
And let them children swim, in a joy so ample
Because I know that with just a thought,
You and I we could do alot
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Pigeon here to review
I think the poem would be better if you removed these two lines. We will understand what it is about by reading it, so you don't need to point it out to us. Also, the second stanza is stronger and would make a better beginning.alfredsymon has already given you some good advice about adding depth to your ideas and your language, so I'm just going to see if I can help with grammar and the mechanics of the poem.
This line is grammatically unsound. Rather than "them rich countries" it should be "the rich countries" or just "rich countries". And rather than "people on wasting" it should be "people go on wasting".
I think this could be phrased more elegantly. Maybe "She has no-one to care for her".
This could be phrased better too. "wanna" doesn't fit with the tone of the piece. Could you change it to "want to"?
It should be "a lot" (two words) not "alot" (one word). [spoliler]Alot[/spoiler]
The ideas in this poem are great and if you fix up these minor grammatical errors they will be expressed even better. It's clear that this is very heart-felt and I think that is very important in poetry and I enjoyed the read.
Keep writing!
- pigeon
Here's what I can do, a Quick Critique! Or a Smile-o-meter. The reviewing system's a bit buggy, so a simple review will do lots.
Hey Doxie! So, a poem, eh? Well it can be seen at the verses. I love the way you cut them and pasted them together! The two by two stanza works great here because it's more of a narrative. I also found the pattern of adding the longer stanzas which brings great reading effect.
I love the wording and the structure. I would just like to remind you that you have written a poem. And it's very best to deepen it a bit more. Try using figurative speech or compare the things we see in irrelevant situations like, in the part where you said the a child cries, a babe howls in the moonlight. Something like that. It can give more imagery and color for the reader. Then fix the rhymes. The best thing to do when giving rhymes is interchanging the phrases. It doesn't only add depth, but also a satisfactory confusion that'll make your reader want for more!
Smile-o-meter:
Great work! Keep it up!
Your pal,
Al
My first hand at reviewing a piece. Here we go!
I liked that the message was clear, concise, and to the point, if anything. But the rhythm and choice of words was made awkward in some places because you were trying so hard to rhyme and fit into the meter. You need to just loosen up and let the words come naturally.
All in all, though, this is fine the way it is. Keep on writing.
Was the feeling good, Lackless? Great, right! Review more! Hahaha.