All around the world, we see its actions.
Transactions take place, but only a fraction are seen to save face.
Distractions take our focus from what's important in life, a man cheats on his wife
Contractions kick in and a new life is begun
People on the run for loving the wrong gender.
Pray for her, send her to church, save her
Have her forgiven in the eyes of the all loving creator
Practice what's been preached you hypocrites, you shouldn't judge them
They were born that way, that's how they were built to function
I'm so sick of it, all the wars being fought, all the hate being taught
I'm sure some of it is unintentional, but have you really learned anything at all?
If you thought rationally you'd see all the tragedies and strategies and try to do something about it
Stop listening to those materialistic artists, you become what you listen to, listen to what you want to become
The voice inside, it's intrinsic, efficient, self-sufficiency comes easily
Put down the remote, put down the beer, put down the instruments that lead to fear, hear the goodness in peoples expression, help others get out of depression, don't go to confession if you're only going to do it again
Better yourself and the world around, can't you see that love surrounds?
Let's all bring down our walls of protection, put away our ideas of perfection, get to know one another honestly, and understand why you don't care if people live in poverty, it's a part of me.
It's a part of you.
Do you want future generations living like this too?
Apathy kills, some are more skilled than others
Apathy skills, would you want anything to hurt your brother or mother? Your sister, your father?
Think about it, how must others feel?
If you were suddenly put into that situation it'd feel like a dream, surreal, but for them it's so real
So, deal? Think about it, how must they feel?
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Demoness, I agree with you guys! Like I wrote earlier, I didn't really plan anything, It sort of just came out. My future pieces will be more poetic, I hope. Haha
Hey! This piece had a real great content, and you said alot of true things in a good way. However, I must agree with what Jenna said. This sounds more like your opinion written down plainly than an opinion converted into poetry. The reason, well, I couldn't feel the rythm nor find the "poetry" feeling... not that your supposed to know what I mean with that but... yeah. I like the story and message your trying to tell, I just think, if it's a poem you want, you should try some restructioning. Your rhymes were really good though!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Hey Jennya, thank you! I'm glad to be here haha. The only reason I really picked the word apathy is because I feel that sometimes, certain things can happen because of apathy, but not directly from it. I can't really explain.
Anyways, i mostly agree with you. I wrote this is like 10 minutes, because I was inspired by a friend who had written poetry for a contest at school. So basically, this whole thing is just whatever came out of my head, haha. I do agree with what I wrote though.. There just wasn't really any planning. Thanks for the constructive criticism. I'll put it to use.
Firstly welcome to YWS! Hopefully you will like it here. If you ever need a review drop me a line.
In kind on kind the mood for critique so here I go.
I like the ideas and meaning of this poem, you really had nice theme running though out. But only qualm about your topic was the title 'Apathy', I have a terrible vocabulary but this doesn't really seem to be about apathy. Yes you have discussed apathy in your poem, 'don't care if people live in poverty' but a lot of this poem, to me anyway is not apathy. You seem to touch on many topics including; Inaction ( which is not the same as apathy), hypocrisy, hate, religion, etc.
Never the less, your the title seems to fit ( which makes my little rant kind of pointless).
To me this poem seems a little too ranty, a little too loaded. Poetry is not just about the feelings and ideas behind it but its a about language, rhythm etc. What language call reveal and suggest not what language can blatantly tell. Remember 'Show not tell'.
Your poem seemed and felt like a angry open letter, I know I'm being harsh but that's how I feel. I write poetry like this and usually its not the best. Your poem needs refining.
Although the loaded language and emotion are all there. There is a lack to structure, you use rhyme but there is no clear pattern. I feel like there is potential but it is potential that was not reached. You used the break between stanzas quite well to create pause and a break in the flow but I feel like you could do more. Some of your lines seem to drag. You hand us question after question, it just feels messy like your yelling at me. Your language is strong and loaded but plain, which can be a very good thing but I personally have a taste for the flowery.
I'm going to do a little fixing, it might end up very bad though... What I am doing us just a suggestion
Sorry about mutating your poem. I see potential in this, just keep on working at it.
Haha, it's ok. I'll appreciate any type of review. Well, thank you very much.
Hey there!
This will just be a quick review, so, bare with me xD
1. You're structure seemed constent at first, but it turned 'blah' later.
2. You're rhymes were very good.
3. You're plot is soooooooo true! I totally agree with it!
4. Title completely suits the poem.
5. Ending makes the perfect ending!
6. I know this review ain't so good, but I'm in a little hurry, so you won't be getting any nitpicks.
So, yes, well done! I really liked it.
Keep writing.
-JT.