Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Aand let's continue. I can probably do a couple more a break is necessary.
First Impression: So he did run off. Well...let's see where that gets us. Should be an interesting fourth chapter. And that was a also a really big coincidence at the end there.
Anyway let's get to it,
“And where location do you desire after?” the green being said, in something that might not have been rather mediocre Scentian. Her lips were thin and hard and clacked together when she closed them. Her rather tatty blouse and creased grey skirt gave the impression of someone who’d been on the Hub for quite some time.
YES!!! The funny translations are back.
Janny stumbled. He’d forgotten to move one of his legs and fallen behind Grescin, who’d linked arms with him to lead him along. But suddenly, unbidden, the word want came into his mind. He knew what he wanted. He glanced at Grescin, who was frowning with nervous eyes at him, glancing at the ground then back up. Then he looked at Ennet, who was also frowning, but with considerably narrowed eyebrows - thick bushy eyebrows of a kind Janny had rarely seen on a Daerian of any nationality. He ran left.
And offhe goes...
Running through a crowd is usually very easy for a Daerian, even one as inexperienced with running at all as Janny. The Daerian form is so malleable that they can slip through the tiniest gaps between elbows and ribs, even slipping between legs if it comes to it. But when a Daerian is being chased by two other Daerians, then it looks more like an underwater chase of giant red eels, startling every poor trout who happens to be passing by. Unfortunately for Janny, the eels chasing him were much more experienced in the field of physical exercise.
This paints such a lovely picture right here. It's a really good description there.
“Now listen here! Maybe you didn’t understand me before so I’ll try Endoleon, much better than my Scentian!” the green being snapped. Janny breathed a sigh of relief to hear a familiar language. “I asked you if this being consented to the memory treatment and gave them a chance to object. Oh, don’t tell me, they don’t speak Scentian at all!”
So is Endolean just easier to learn or something?
Grescin peeped her head out to catch Janny’s gaze. “No. Just… fair play, Janny.”
“Fair… fair play,” Janny said, his voice thin and shaky.
Very interesting choice of lines there.
Odela gasped, then smiled. She said in Fladerian, “My brother-in-law is Fladian! I don’t suppose you know Upumsel Grieng?”
Janny focused on getting his breathing back to normal as Oleda led him through the third door on the left. He’d got what he wanted; he could relax. Well, what he’d wanted was to lie back on the window of the Scentians’ craft and see what he could see outside, but he’d settle for the third door on the left.
Things looking good for him. The operative word being looking.
Aand that's it for that.
Overall:
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
), he does fight back again Lestili and tries to get her to let him go, which I think is great contrast to how he ended up with Ennet and Grescin, but he doesn't know where she's taking him or what she's doing with him when she grabs him from the party (to put weight on the whole resistance/fear factor). Maybe keep the outward resistance (him shouting for help and trying to make eye contact, and then trying to plead with her afterwards), but then show some of his internal conflict? I think I've said that before, but I wish there was a little more of Janny's voice/emotion in the prose. It's pretty straightforward or not mentioned, and while I think having a straightforward voice is fine, he doesn't seem to have much of that in regards to his personality? Not in a bad way! But I'm having trouble connecting to him as a character (was gonna say person but... ???).
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