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A Janitor's Adventure: 3.3

by ExOmelas


“And where location do you desire after?” the green being said, in something that might not have been rather mediocre Scentian. Her lips were thin and hard and clacked together when she closed them. Her rather tatty blouse and creased grey skirt gave the impression of someone who’d been on the Hub for quite some time.

“Doctoring,” Ennet said, with a curt nod. Janny presumed this meant medical, where his memories would be taken away with… he didn’t even know what with.

The green being looked him up and down, but he didn’t say anything. She must have taken that as assent, because the next thing she said was something about the third door on the right. Ennet and Grescin nodded at her, said “gratitude”, and started to lead Janny between the rows of beings and desks.

Janny stumbled. He’d forgotten to move one of his legs and fallen behind Grescin, who’d linked arms with him to lead him along. But suddenly, unbidden, the word want came into his mind. He knew what he wanted. He glanced at Grescin, who was frowning with nervous eyes at him, glancing at the ground then back up. Then he looked at Ennet, who was also frowning, but with considerably narrowed eyebrows - thick bushy eyebrows of a kind Janny had rarely seen on a Daerian of any nationality. He ran left.

Running through a crowd is usually very easy for a Daerian, even one as inexperienced with running at all as Janny. The Daerian form is so malleable that they can slip through the tiniest gaps between elbows and ribs, even slipping between legs if it comes to it. But when a Daerian is being chased by two other Daerians, then it looks more like an underwater chase of giant red eels, startling every poor trout who happens to be passing by. Unfortunately for Janny, the eels chasing him were much more experienced in the field of physical exercise.

He could hear them behind him by the shouts from the crowd. People who’d just managed to get back to their business suddenly having their clipboards knocked right out their hands, paws and claws again.

It was there, the third door on the left was right there, when he heard two distinct shouts - the only voices he’d heard for hours - right behind him. He cried out louder than he ever had before - something, something about the whole ridiculous day he’d had insisted that it shouldn’t end like this, shouldn’t be erased. He whirled around, tears springing to his eyes and chis cheeks flushing purple, as a third voice cried out. He couldn’t see Ennet and Grescin properly, not past the minty green of the being who’d done their confirmation check. She was standing right in front of Janny, between him and his pursuers.

She had her back to him and her arms spread out wide.

“Now listen here! Maybe you didn’t understand me before so I’ll try Endoleon, much better than my Scentian!” the green being snapped. Janny breathed a sigh of relief to hear a familiar language. “I asked you if this being consented to the memory treatment and gave them a chance to object. Oh, don’t tell me, they don’t speak Scentian at all!”

“Might as well not…” Ennet muttered.

“Hush!” The being raised a stiff index finger. “Confirmation revoked! Please proceed to the nearest holding room. Ironically this can also be found down a corridor through the door third on your right!

The being’s voice reached a piercing pitch at the end of her proclamation, and her whole arm went stiff, pointing all the way towards the other side of the hall.

Ennet sighed the most bored sigh Janny had heard yet. Grescin bit into her lip and looked down at her side. Janny heard a tap-tapping sound but the green being’s body was in the way. Still, he was sure he knew what it would be.

“Oh for pity’s sake,” the green being muttered. She produced a tiny black square from her skirt pocket and clicked an even tinier black button in the centre of it. A bright circle of blue emanated outwards, causing a beam of light to flash up towards the ceiling directly above where Ennet’s gun probably was.

“Well,” Grescin said, clapping her hands together, “That is a pretty nice radius disabler. What do you say, En, holding rooms?”

Ennet said nothing, but hung his head and turned away. Grescin waited behind as he walked off.

“Do you resist?” the green being asked, leaning forward to tower over Grescin.

Grescin peeped her head out to catch Janny’s gaze. “No. Just… fair play, Janny.”

“Fair… fair play,” Janny said, his voice thin and shaky.

Grescin nodded and followed Ennet swiftly through the crowd, which had now come to a standstill to watch the day’s drama. The green being turned back to Janny.

“My name is Odela. Please tell me you speak Endoleon,” she said, the stiffness of her posture dissolving as the crowd started to go back to its business.

Janny spoke a little louder to make sure he was heard over the renewed buzz of conversation. “I’m Fladian. But yes, I am fluent in Endoleon.”

Odela gasped, then smiled. She said in Fladerian, “My brother-in-law is Fladian! I don’t suppose you know Upumsel Grieng?”

Janny focused on getting his breathing back to normal as Oleda led him through the third door on the left. He’d got what he wanted; he could relax. Well, what he’d wanted was to lie back on the window of the Scentians’ craft and see what he could see outside, but he’d settle for the third door on the left.


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Tue Dec 24, 2019 1:48 am
mellifera wrote a review...



ONE DAY I WILL CATCH UP :')

I'm almost back to where I left off before! hooray :D

in something that might not have been rather mediocre Scentian.


I think I understand what you're trying to say with this sentence, but it's a little confusing? I find the wording odd, in that there's the almost double negative-- "might not" and "rather mediocre". It almost cancels itself out, which would mean that she's speaking Scentian well. I think what you meant is "in something that was rather mediocre Scentian", as in she's not that great at it? I know Janny took off the translator ring so he won't understand what's being said, which I think is why you brought it up, but,, yeah. I've said wayyy too much about a simple line wording.


Janny presumed this meant medical, where his memories would be taken away with… he didn’t even know what with.


I'M CONCERNED but also this is the only chapter in between when he's with Odela?? and seemingly rescued?? SO HE'LL BE OK?? (ALSO JANNY MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT MEMORY REMOVAL??)

But suddenly, unbidden, the word want came into his mind.


Another minor thing, but "the word want" doesn't have to impact I think you want it to have? I like how there's the sudden flip, where Janny is realising that he doesn't want to go with them, that he wants to get away, but cushioning that was "the word want came to him" makes it sound like he,,, just remembered that it was, in fact, a word?

AGAIN MINOR THING I'm rusty I'll be better I swear


(also in the following section right after that last quoted part, there's a lot of repetition with "frowning" and "glancing", which again, more of a line-edit, but just watch out for it)


Running through a crowd is usually very easy for a Daerian, even one as inexperienced with running at all as Janny.


aha what a mood, Janny

chis cheeks flushing purple,


chis? ;)

(also I LOVE that he turns different colours like this?? I don't know if it's just for something like a blood rush to his face, and I don't know how you have the Daerians set up, but it would be really neat to see him turning other colours for other emotions??? Again, don't know how you have it set up, but I love myself some Chameleon Traits)

“Hush!” The being raised a stiff index finger. “Confirmation revoked! Please proceed to the nearest holding room. Ironically this can also be found down a corridor through the door third on your right!


IS THIS ODELA?? BECAUSE I LOVE HER

Ennet said nothing, but hung his head and turned away. Grescin waited behind as he walked off.


serves him right

“My name is Odela. Please tell me you speak Endoleon,”


ayyyyyy!

Janny focused on getting his breathing back to normal as Oleda led him through the third door on the left.


there's something special about the third doors

(also "Oleda")


Yay! Conflict averted! Or, mostly anyway. I really liked seeing Janny take more initiative here and concretely decide on what he wanted to happen. I know you said it was coming, but it's still really rewarding to see!

On the other hand, I know you mentioned that because of this incident, Janny is disheartened when, again, he is kidnapped (by Lestili). He's your character, so take this with a grain of salt, but I still would have liked to see a little more resistance in him being taken by Lestili. He has more understanding when she comes after her, he knows what's happening (which is why he's, as I said, disheartened), but he pursues an almost identical course of action that led him to be strung along this time: being passive.
Again! I just went back and read our discussion about it, and I know it's still supposed to be that oh what's the point in even trying to fight her since he knows she has the ability to subdue him and possibly inflict harm on him if provoked.
Rereading it again (after writing all this OF COURSE :P), he does fight back again Lestili and tries to get her to let him go, which I think is great contrast to how he ended up with Ennet and Grescin, but he doesn't know where she's taking him or what she's doing with him when she grabs him from the party (to put weight on the whole resistance/fear factor). Maybe keep the outward resistance (him shouting for help and trying to make eye contact, and then trying to plead with her afterwards), but then show some of his internal conflict? I think I've said that before, but I wish there was a little more of Janny's voice/emotion in the prose. It's pretty straightforward or not mentioned, and while I think having a straightforward voice is fine, he doesn't seem to have much of that in regards to his personality? Not in a bad way! But I'm having trouble connecting to him as a character (was gonna say person but... ???).

Ignoring everything I just said, maybe it's the pacing that's tipping me off-kilter? I keep digging at the same thing here, but maybe it's just how little of a break Janny gets between kidnapping? I think it's good that they're relatively close together, and I know it has to be hard because it was for the Summer Novella and you needed it to be shorter, but there's not much of a recovery for him or character development from here to later. I think I'll have to get to the end before I can suggest a reason suggestive here, so honestly you can disregard most of what I said (I'm not even sure I wrote it in a coherent way whoops).


ALSO NOW HOPING THERE WILL BE MORE ODELA IN THE FUTURE?? SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO CHECK ON HIM SO ????


As a side note, I also reread 4.1, and since I have a more comprehensive understanding of what was going on now, I really adore the scene where Janny and Birt are like, showing off their flexibility to each other? aDORABLE


ANYWAY I think half of this was absolute nonsense, but maybe the other half wasn't, so hopefully I will only have a quarter nonsense of my next review!

I hope you're having a wonderful day! <3




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Sun Sep 08, 2019 3:15 pm
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @DougalOfBiscuits I am here to do a review, I'm really sorry that this review took so long. I'm just going to jump right into this one.

Okay first, thing, I'm not sure if its just me, but this chapter seems a bit short, I just want to ask why you mad it a little shorter. But there is nothing wrong with that, okay here me out there is nothing wrong with it being short.
*try's to move on*

So again, I loved the start to the chapter its great. the description is spun tack you lea.

“Doctoring,” Ennet said, with a curt nod. Janny presumed this meant medical, where his memories would be taken away with… he didn’t even know what with.


For some reason all I mostly want to say is pure Janny, Lol, also I'm really sorry to only just tell you this, you do not have to change it if you don't think you have to, but I have been think about Janny's name, it was just the spelling that bothered my sorry, I think you spell it like this.

Janny< Jany

This is a simple change, but hey you don't have to listen to me at all, about it, I also never said anything about his but I'm kind of fascinated of what is going to happen with the green being. I really feel like things are starting to really get moving with the plot. I just cannot wait to get the next chapter. *sighs* but have to wait. :(
*Takes Brake**then comes back*

I'm okay now, I just really love your chapters, your great at writing I don't want you to ever stop writing. oh and just to tell you Ennet is still my favorite character.

Okay so just a small but quick maybe quick thing. I was trying to figer out Odela and Janny's talk that they were having at the end of the chapter, but I was a little confused of what was going on, I mean was there diffrenet language or something, it just did not seam very clear that's all.

So that is all that I can say about this chapter. If I was being to harsh picky or un helpful then I am really sorry pleas forgive, and don't hesitate to tell me if I am. So keep up the great work your writing is the best to read. I liked this chapter. I look forward to the next! :D

I hope you have a great Day/Night

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews




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Thu Sep 05, 2019 11:02 pm
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Liberty wrote a review...



Heya Biscuits!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review for RevMo. Let's get started, now, shall we? Alright!

So, I haven't really read much, so if I say something that makes my review sound like I don't have a clue about your story, then forgive me. _/\_

Great chapter here! :smt023

The description you've got is amazing. I can feel the tension that's around Janny. And, that green being, lol, she's a weirdo. I don't know why -- but I find her hilarious. I guess since she's called "the green being"? XD

Okie.

Janny is being taken somewhere he doesn't want to go and he tried to escape but then he's caught and is taken to the third door on the left. Interesting. I don't exactly know what he's escaping from. All I know is that there's some memory treatment that's going to happen. Maybe add a bit more on what's happening, in case your reader forgets what happened before. (Yeah, they can read it from the previous chapters and figure it out themselves, but ya know, just in case. ;) )

Well anyways, I hope this review helped, and I can't wait to see more from you in the future. Of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever! (:

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty





Almost all absurdity of conduct rises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble.
— Samuel Johnson