Published May 2, 2006
Alright, here's my latest prose. It'll make a lot more sense if you realise that there's only one person in this, talking to themself.
Here it is:
Lone Lee
Lonely
Your world is killing me
Innocent isolation, I know
Ripping apart
Inwards out
Go easy
This path
Picked for you
Weird to the world
I’m just not wired this way
Lone Lee, why do this to yourself?
Is it clinical?
Lone Lee, forget about them
What do they mean?
It’s much more, you’re much more, Lee
I fear for your safety
And fret for your sanity
For Lee, you see…
You’ve dug your own grave, continuously growing
It’s their fault, Lee
Don’t fret
Don’t get yourself down
But their idiocy is killing me!
Sane or not, it’s not right
I can tell that
Different…
Disaster…
Ultimately leading to
Destruction
Lone Lee, you’re killing us
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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This part was really good, and was really effective in the poem. I liked this.
Removing myself from the character would pretty much kill the whole poem... all the inspiration would be gone.
Lee's my middle name by the way.
And no, I don't like rhyming.
The "Lone Lee" was a pretty ridiculous pun. I would reccomend removing that pronto.
There were some very nice sections, like "innocent isolation" and "weird to the world." But the tone of the poem is almost whiny. Try asking less questions and remove yourself from the character so we have a more objective view of the situation.
It was good, but you don't like rhyming and rhythm do you? In the beginning, themselves should be himself or herself depending. Other than that, it was very good.