Published May 25, 2011
Okay, so I wrote a story and I want to get some feedback and stuff. I'm kind of iffy about this one because I can't figure out anymore ideas to put in it, but if you guys could help with that, I would be super greatful!If I'm going to continue with this idea, I'm trying a new idea to do an outline because I really like the idea of it. (Go ahead and check it out: http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/snowflake.php) Be honest with me, please. My mom thinks it's amazing and my G/T teacher said that I can write better than some highschoolers she teaches, and she's a G/T teacher there, too.
Okay, here it is!
Prologue
“Come with me, boy,” a gruff voice said, grabbing him by the back of the shirt and dragging him away effortlessly against his frantic struggling.
“No! No! My mom’s still back there! Let me go!” he shouted, clawing at the empty air in front of himself in a vain attempt to get away from the unbreakable grasp of the man.
“There’s nothing we can do to help her!” the man shouted, jerking back on the collar of the baggy shirt on the back of the small boy. He toppled over into the dirt, hanging limp as the man pulled him back up to his feet and continued to pull him away from the burning village.
The boy fought tears, still partially groggy from being suddenly awoken, but everything was all but clear in his mind. He looked down at his hand and went through the events again through his mind: The shattering of glass; the yelling of panicking people running towards the forest at the edge of the village; the serious look on his mother’s face as she clasped her hands with a death-grip on his shoulders as she talked to him…
“Son, I may not see you again in a long time. Possibly never again, but I need you to listen to me, alright? You are the most important—and probably the best thing—that has ever happened to me. I need you to know that I will love you no matter what, but if I get held back, I need you to promise me you will run, and not look back to check on me. I need you to be safe. Promise me,” she said, looking at him with a serious look on her face, her eyes boring into the young boy. Tears had brimmed her eyes, but she hadn’t made an effort to wipe them away. She kept her hands griped on his shoulders.
“I… I promise,” the boy assured, looking into her eyes. He heard his small, whispery voice quaver, and he swallowed, feeling his throat burn with tears as he tried to understand what was happening.
She took his took his hand firmly and the boy looked down at their hands, his mother’s knuckles white from clutching his hand so tight. She began to run towards the border of the village, dashing from one spot to the next. She searched the clearing and her gaze set upon one man. He was a man that the boy had seen before, but didn’t know him. She guided them over to the man, pushing him in front of her as they darted between different burning homes. They made it over to the man and she talked with him quickly. He couldn’t make out the worlds that spoke from her lips, but he could guess what they were saying…
She let go of his hand and knelt down, taking him into a hug that left him breathless. She, once again, looked him into the eyes and love filled her gaze.
“This man will take care of you. Please, please listen to him. Listen to him, and you will grow up into a strong young man that I will be more than proud of. This man is a very close friend of mine. Don’t be afraid of him. He will take care of you.” She repeated. She stood up and looked at the tall, muscular man again. He was at least a foot taller than his mother, and had an intimidating feature.
Big, bulky men ran past them, paying them no heed as they went over to a family trying to escape and tackled them down. The young boy could sense his mother’s panic. She thrust him into her arms into one final hug, and handed him over to her trustee.
“Hurry! Get him out of here!” she hissed, pushing them away. She stood there, not waving, not running, just standing there. The boy watched her as they ran through the bushes and trees, getting scratches all over as they raced through the ferns. His mother continued to get smaller and smaller, until two big shadows raced towards her from the behind. The boy yelled, desperate to let her know they were behind him. He knew it was a useless try. The men closed in and they pushed her to the ground…
He shook his head, fording the images out of his head. They had stopped by then, the man was on the ground, panting. They were too far away even to see the licking flames, engulfing his beloved home. He kept silent, but tears welled up in his eyes, blurring his vision as he let the tears fall endlessly. He fell to the ground and curled into a ball, trying to hold onto the last bit of warmth in him and continued to sob without a sound.
Finally, the man his mom faithfully gave him over to talked to him. “I’m so sorry, boy. There was nothing to do to save your mom. She made me promise to take care of you and run. You may not know who I am, but, I hope, you’ve seen me. I’m Ayla’s—your mother’s—best friend. We grew up together. Rest for now. We’re going to travel all day tomorrow, alright, boy?” the man informed him.
“Okay…” the boy whispered, but kept his eyes wide open. He waited out the trembling of his body, too exhausted to do anything but try to revive from his shock. His eyelids grew heavy, and, eventually, he fell into one of many dreamless sleeps he would have over the years…
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140,948 Literary Works • 673,779 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...well this isn't too bad. We've got a fairly intriguing piece here, with plenty of questions to be asked as a reader not to mention what seems like a tiny bit of a cliffhanger towards the end.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...this is a pretty exciting start here. It looks like we've been thrust into the middle of a not quite so great situation here with the whole being dragged away thing and the rather heavy hints that this person is perhaps being dragged away from a dying mother or something along those lines.
Hmm, well there is a definite sense of mystery there about what is happening although now that you've taken us fully into this alternate flashback of sorts I have to say that the transition there from the present to the past was not the smoothest. The opening itself is proving to be very compelling and pretty interesting here so far, but you need to work a bit on that transition point.
Okayy...well they're escaping some sort of terror that destroyed that village and for some reason this boy was safer with this random man rather than the mother, I wonder if that suggests there was something special going on here because the way I see it, that could be the only reason for the mother to sacrifice herself like that instead of just running away like the man did with her son. At any rate, already this is proving to be pretty interesting.
Okayy...well the initial confusion there from that original transition carries onto this point. I feel like there is something here that you don't quite explain fully and that coupled with how this flashback hasn't been prominently marked out so that as readers we can identify makes things a bit more confusing than they should be, but this does make for a pretty fun story here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think its a pretty solid piece right here. The flashback situation is the only somewhat questionable part of this particular one, but besides that I think you've managed to do a pretty solid job so far.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I think its okay so far, just your basic prologue, I'm not sure where you can take it from there because the possibilities are endless really depending on the genre you want. It could be an adventure story perhaps. Maybe the country this story is set in is at war (or currently being invaded) by another country. The boy is taken someplace safe with other survivors and then returns to recapture the town and avenge the killers? From there you can add drama, romance, maybe even horror to the genre if you want, like I said it depends where you want this story to go.
Hope I've helped
*coco
Hallooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! D:<
Oh. Hmm. Well, It seems no one is ever on this forum thing. Ugh. This is a small forum!`
Sweet. It does. Lalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaa. C'mon! Read itttttttttttttt! =P
If you reply on things does it move it up higher on the list?