Sorry for the wait. I'll jump right on in to the specific and head toward the general.
"I come from a world that is hidden by a cluster of stars in the galaxy."
This is a bold opening sentence. I think "in the galaxy" is redundant (where else would they be?).
"Merlasia is a very nice world; everyone here has different abilities or gifts"
She knows enough about Earth to know that this is unique to her people, but also expects us not to know it. That begs a lot of questions about the author of, and reason for, this narrative (not a bad thing!).
"My father, King Eron, has the gift of light, which is how we have light on our planet, for he provides it."
This sentence has 4 commas, not because of its length, but because of yourunorthodox arrangement of phrases. You've got the paternal relationship, his relationship to the narrator, the name of his gift, the role of the gift, and an explanation of that role. At the very least "for he provides it" is a little redundant. Don't be afraid to use shorter sentences; they can carry a great deal of weight. For instance: "King Eron has the gift of light, through which our planet is lit/illuminated. He is also my father."
You also switch between "world" and "planet". "Planet" tends to read as a more scientific term, while "world" seems to carry more of the social connotations of the purpose to which we put a planet. Earth is a planet, but is is our world.
The power of light and water are a little confusing. What did the people do before the king and queen were around? I would assume light and water must not be that important to them if its something there planet does not provide for them. Further troubling is the apparent death of the queen. Does the planet now lack water?
"sense he had bought their trust"
since* Also worth noting is that historically, even succesful monarchies have had to rely on brute force to maintain their rule. There's a risk in making your narrator the princess of a planet that's too good to be true; it seems a little too simplistic.
" I have to learn more of the place my mother has gone."
I think this is missing the word "to", in the sense that her mother has gone to the place.
"I will ever get to see"
"never"
"I don’t blame him, if my groom ever passes, I wouldn’t want to betray my groom by betrothing again"
I feel like the first clause should be it's own sentence, as the blame to which it refers is a reflection on the previous sentence. Maybe a semicolon after "him". Also, not entirely sure, but would it be "groom" or "husband" in this hypothetical?
"The people of Merlasia"
Does their species possess a name?
"We have a certain way of living"
This sounds a little vague. If you want these people to be advanced beings, you have to show it. The reader won't take her word for it.
"I will not be back for a while until I find out"
"for a while: is redundant. She'll be back when she finds out.
This is an interesting piece. I enjoy the basic idea of an alien examining the notion of an afterlife as something particularly human; it reflects our particular historical moment when the reader will probably sympathise with such a treatment of the idea of an afterlife.
I think your world building could be a little more fleshed out. Merlasia seems a little too good to be true: One species dominating a planet, with one government that seems to have a 100% approval rating, and which is literally providing the nourishment for life on the planet.
I like the oddity of the princesses's gift in some ways it pales in comparison to her parents', but it's also peculiarly well suited to her goal of infiltrating earth.
Stylistically I think your biggest area to improve on is getting the most out of your sentences. If a phrase isn't doing something that needs to be done, it shouldn't be here.
I enjoyed the read, and would certainly be interested in providing more feedback on further pieces if you found this helpful. You can reach me on my wall or my Will Review For Food Thread if you have feedback.
Thanks for your time,
Rubric.
Points: 3965
Reviews: 152
Donate