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Young Writers Society



Merlasia

by DontStopBelieving


I come from a world that is hidden by a cluster of stars in the galaxy. This world is called Merlasia, a small planet where we, creatures, live. I have heard stories about a bigger planet in the galaxy, Earth. I have never been to the planet called Earth, but I want to visit sometime soon. My father, Eron, is the king of our world. He would never think about letting me visit earth, but the planet has caught my attention the past few years, and I think I just might go there. I want to go to earth to learn more about this thing called the ???afterlife???. I have never been one to believe in such a thing, but my father won???t talk to me about it, which makes the subject that much more intriguing. He thinks I am too young to be bothered with something of this sort. But my mother has passed away from our world, and we set her being adrift down our main stream, Cleodra, here in Merlasia. This is why I need to get to earth, so I can see if I will be able to see my mother again in another life. The best philosopher, Ammon, won???t even dare speak of the afterlife, for he says it isn???t something to be worried about, it isn???t something that even exists. But I want to know if the place my mother has gone is somewhere where I want to go one day too. Here in Merlasia everyone has different abilities or gifts. My father, King Eron, has the gift of light, which is how we have light on our planet, for he is the one who provides it. My mother, Aedre, had the gift of water, and that is how we got our water supply. Others in our world have special gifts, like being able to grow things, or being able to disappear, but my gift is something people say is useless. I have the gift of turning into objects, sort of like a shape shifter. Here in Merlasia, we try not look down on people and their flaws. We try to look past them, for somewhere out there we believe someone looks past our flaws as well. Merlasia is a brightly colored planet; never a dull color will ever be seen here. We work hard to keep our planet beautiful. My father and I live in the palace our fellow Merlasians have gladly built us. The people here seem to have no reason to not trust my father, since he had bought their trust when he was just a mere prince. My mother had come from one of our neighboring planets, Perloh, to escape her unfortunate fate to marry the evil king, King Alva. When King Alva heard of her disappearance, he sent many knights and soldiers over to our planet to capture her and throw her into their prison. When the soldiers showed up we had our army assembled, ready to fight. My father knew that her coming here would start a war, but he wanted to do everything in his power to protect my mother. The two planets fought day and night for two long years. Suddenly, a soldier had cornered my grandfather, King Lohman, and planned to kill him. As soon as the arrow flung off the bow, my father jumped in front of him, taking an arrow to his shoulder. The soldier ran back to his troops, and thinking they had killed the most precious thing to the king, they all left. My mother supplied water to my father, and brought him to the healing room. This is how King Eron gained the trust of his people, by protecting not only his love, but by protecting his father. Merlasia is the place I love, the place I would never want to let down. But I have to learn more of the place my mother has gone. I feel if I don???t, I will ever get to see her again. And I don???t want the thought of me never being able to see my mother again to cross my mind. For I believe she is somewhere out there, helping me to go forward with what I want to do. My father can???t always protect me, I will soon have to find a groom and he will be next in line for the throne. Since my mother has passed, some of the Merlasians have been pressing my father into getting another bride, but my father refuses. He has loved only my mother, he wants to continue that love for her while she is gone, and not betray her in getting betrothed once again. I don???t blame him, if my groom ever passes, I wouldn???t want to betray my groom by betrothing again. It???s a connection, a pull towards the person you are meant to be with that keeps you two together. You sort of hold each other down on the ground, just by the power of your love. The people of Merlasia love one and only one, unless of course, a situation arises and they have to get another love. But that doesn???t happen very often around here, for the people of Merlasia tend to live longer than the people of earth. We have a certain way of living that keeps us alive longer, keeps us healthier, and stronger. I don???t want to let my father down, or the kingdom, but I have to go and soon. I will go to the planet earth, and no one will be able to stop me. Aira and Dagan, two of my close friends, have promised to help me escape. It hurts me to do this, but I know I have to. I know there is another world where one passes to after they leave us on our planet. I can feel it. And I will find it


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152 Reviews


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Reviews: 152

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Wed Sep 05, 2012 4:24 pm
Rubric wrote a review...



Sorry for the wait. I'll jump right on in to the specific and head toward the general.

"I come from a world that is hidden by a cluster of stars in the galaxy."
This is a bold opening sentence. I think "in the galaxy" is redundant (where else would they be?).

"Merlasia is a very nice world; everyone here has different abilities or gifts"
She knows enough about Earth to know that this is unique to her people, but also expects us not to know it. That begs a lot of questions about the author of, and reason for, this narrative (not a bad thing!).

"My father, King Eron, has the gift of light, which is how we have light on our planet, for he provides it."
This sentence has 4 commas, not because of its length, but because of yourunorthodox arrangement of phrases. You've got the paternal relationship, his relationship to the narrator, the name of his gift, the role of the gift, and an explanation of that role. At the very least "for he provides it" is a little redundant. Don't be afraid to use shorter sentences; they can carry a great deal of weight. For instance: "King Eron has the gift of light, through which our planet is lit/illuminated. He is also my father."
You also switch between "world" and "planet". "Planet" tends to read as a more scientific term, while "world" seems to carry more of the social connotations of the purpose to which we put a planet. Earth is a planet, but is is our world.


The power of light and water are a little confusing. What did the people do before the king and queen were around? I would assume light and water must not be that important to them if its something there planet does not provide for them. Further troubling is the apparent death of the queen. Does the planet now lack water?


"sense he had bought their trust"
since* Also worth noting is that historically, even succesful monarchies have had to rely on brute force to maintain their rule. There's a risk in making your narrator the princess of a planet that's too good to be true; it seems a little too simplistic.

" I have to learn more of the place my mother has gone."
I think this is missing the word "to", in the sense that her mother has gone to the place.

"I will ever get to see"
"never"

"I don’t blame him, if my groom ever passes, I wouldn’t want to betray my groom by betrothing again"
I feel like the first clause should be it's own sentence, as the blame to which it refers is a reflection on the previous sentence. Maybe a semicolon after "him". Also, not entirely sure, but would it be "groom" or "husband" in this hypothetical?

"The people of Merlasia"
Does their species possess a name?

"We have a certain way of living"
This sounds a little vague. If you want these people to be advanced beings, you have to show it. The reader won't take her word for it.

"I will not be back for a while until I find out"
"for a while: is redundant. She'll be back when she finds out.

This is an interesting piece. I enjoy the basic idea of an alien examining the notion of an afterlife as something particularly human; it reflects our particular historical moment when the reader will probably sympathise with such a treatment of the idea of an afterlife.

I think your world building could be a little more fleshed out. Merlasia seems a little too good to be true: One species dominating a planet, with one government that seems to have a 100% approval rating, and which is literally providing the nourishment for life on the planet.

I like the oddity of the princesses's gift in some ways it pales in comparison to her parents', but it's also peculiarly well suited to her goal of infiltrating earth.

Stylistically I think your biggest area to improve on is getting the most out of your sentences. If a phrase isn't doing something that needs to be done, it shouldn't be here.

I enjoyed the read, and would certainly be interested in providing more feedback on further pieces if you found this helpful. You can reach me on my wall or my Will Review For Food Thread if you have feedback.

Thanks for your time,
Rubric.




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304 Reviews


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Sat Aug 18, 2012 7:06 pm
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hi there!

Here to review your piece!

Spelling and Grammar:

Very little error in this field. But look at this:

The people of Merlasia never have a reason not to trust my father, sense he had bought their trust when he was just a mere prince.

'since' would be the word you are looking for, not 'sense'. Just look out for typos!

Now for the general:

There was lack of action in this piece. It consists mainly out of a person telling us about herself and her world. There is not a gripping opening line or even a plot. It gives the impression of the story having no direction.

To correct this, start with a scene in which something happens. Show, don't tell. Don't tell the reader that she can shape-shift, let her shift right in front of them! Maybe have the main character telling her friends about her escape plans for some action.

You also need to think your sentences through very carefully. Look at this one:
Here in Merlasia, we do not look down on people and their flaws. We look past them, for somewhere out there we believe someone looks past our flaws as well.

Didn't you just say that people looked down on your main character and said that her gift was useless?

The people of Merlasia never have a reason not to trust my father, sense he had bought their trust when he was just a mere prince.

How did he buy their trust? This sentence bites its own tail. They trust him because he made them trust him?

So think them through carefully! Take it one sentence at a time.

Get interaction going, make a plot, and this story could become very promising indeed! I would love to see how she will reach earth!

Keep the ink flowing!

barefootrunner






Thanks for your review, I didn't even know I had a contradicting thought. And there is a plot, Actually... the girl is wanting to go to earth. haha, but thanks again! :D




By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.
— Genesis 3:19