Eyes of the stranger.
Part 1
The city woke up today under rain.It wasn't that dense smelly city rain.The clouds above us are coming off the shores,driven by wind and water 'cause it's clean and fresh.They say the pollution dropped by two points.if it keeps this way we would be able to even breathe.
A guy with brown hair is walking down the street with his hood on his head.Walking proudly as he owns the place.He glances at the local coffe bar and stumbles in.It was one of those bars where people were still serving you.The bartender pours him coffe absent minded while he looks at the two girls that just walked in.As they sit down he asks them
-„Evening.What will'ya be havin' tonight my beauty's?“
-„We are not your beauty's“.
-„Two coffes with milk“-the other one responded.
-„Ha-ha.Ya're two coffes with milk!“-He replies.
-„We want coffes,get to it“.
They start to talk about some girl that dumped some other dude.The bartender is acting like he isn't listening to them,but he is.And so is the guy with the brown hair.
He looks outside,pointless,through the coffe shop window.And he sees her.
She is standing quietly on the rain,with her skirt up trying to fix her socks.She doesn't even have an umbrella.She thinks no one can see her.
He keeps looking at her,stealing that little piece of her privacy for himself.Until she puts the skirt down.She is walking over to his side of the street.
Yes.She is walking inside.
As she sits and takes her order she didn't even look at the bartender in the eyes.It's usual in this city where no one looks anyone in the eyes.
She looks quite in a bad mood.Maybe she is one of those that never go to coffe shops.Maybe she enjoys robots serving her.It must be.She doesn't even know where to put her purse.And really,she picks the wrong spot.
She poured some coffe on the man's lap.
-„Oh no!Wait i have a handkerchief for you!“
-„It's not important,the stain is not that visible.“-he mutters.
-„I am so embaressed.May I offer you coffe to make it up to you?“
She keeps looking to the floor,confused.But for a second she looks the man in the eyes.He smiles and gladly accepts.
It's still raining outside.
Part 2
This rain seems like it will never stop.Through the rain curtain the city looks even more unreal,like those black and white holographic movies.Only the sky is in colour. Advertisement's are shinin' in the rain lightin' with neon colours the morning grey as the ashes itself.A man stands in place on a building next to a window holding his gun in his hand.He has ran all night and needs a breather.He hasn't climbed all that way to enjoy the sightseeing.He is there to do his job.
He has been looking for him for two months and now he is a inches away from him ,behind one window.The serial killer is alone in a rim of police and bounty hunters.He alone has traveled through all east coast to come back to his town.To his wife.The man next to the window is an agent,named John.He can hear pieces of the talk mixing with the sound of rain and going away in the thunder.
-„The police may be near!“
-„Calm down,no one is monitoring the building.“
-„I know,it wasn't a smart move coming here but i had no choice.Derek sold me out.I ran from the cops by pure luck!The bastard was my only remaining friend.Everyone else is dead or puking their lungs in the mines of the Moon-City.I have only you Rebecca.“
-„You are dead too me aswell Brad.“
-„BUT!?“-Brad yelled.
-„You died two freakin' years ago when you left me with the police at my door,with two coins and a son that has been taking from me by the social service!“
-„Becky,what are you talking about!?“
-„What do you think I am talking about!Look at me!Should I explain it to you or you have managed to realise of what I am living!“
„You...you...“-Brad muttered.
He slapped his wife.John thought that this is the time,he has left his gun and he is too furious to be carefull.He jumped inside.
Sound of glass shattering on the floor cuts through the night.
But Brad was fast.
He grabbed the cat and throw that little piece of furry claws at him.She charged at John's face.And then Brad charged.
-„Let the gun go!“-Brad yelled and threw his gun away.He grabbed John and they started to brawl.
-„My gun!Take my gun Becky!Shoot at him!NOW!“-Brad yelled!
She took aim,and fired.
But it wasn't John she shot.It was Brad.
Brad stood up.
There was no hate in his eyes,not even shock.He looked at his wife as he was seeing her for the first time.
Like she was a stranger.
-„Yo-....y-...you..“-He muttered and fell dead on the kitchen floor.
John stood up and muttered.
-„Rebecca it is over,give me the gun.“
The woman didn't respond.Her fingers suddenlly opened and she let go the weapon like the metal have burned her.In the silence of the room the drop of the gun on the floor seemed like a another gunshot.She looked through the window,fell on her knees and shouted from the bottom of her soul.
Part 3
Jess was sitting at the same old desk on her same old job.Doing what she was always doing.Making sketches for the advertisements for her company.While she was drawin' other girls were having that same old men talk.
-„So,it was the third time I met him at the lobby,I saw him immediatly 'cause he is such a macho guy.And so it happened we went in the lift togheter and he looked at me straight in my eyes and asked me if I was going up.I said i would go anywhere with him.“
That was the same old Denise's stories.
-„A new victory eh?“
-„Woah!I have never done it in a lift yet!I mean,when it was moving.But Jess had sucess too today!She showed up in a man's company for the first time!“
-„Tell us about it!Did you enter the lift togheter?“
-„That's my personal stuff!Besides,he just walked me here.“
„Yeah just keep talking.“-Jess thought
He seemed nice to her.She was sure he was different.He was looking her in the eyes while he was talking and it seemed like he was reading your soul.It's important to look each other in the eyes.You can tell many things.No one can lie to you while he is looking at you in your eyes.Not even a stranger.Besides,he wasn't a stranger.He told her his name.Derek.
Part 4
John is sitting at his desk in his office once again.Listening to the sound of rain mixing with with the windows.Suddenly he hears footsteps behind him and turns around to see his collegue.Joan.
-„Congratulations John.I heared you finally got Brad Smith.“
-„Acutally his wife got to him.“
-„Well that's not the first relationship that ended with a gunshot.“
-„Joan,please.Leave me with your sarcasam.“
-„Why I won't wear it out,no fear!“
-„Joan...“
-„Alright alright I'm going.“
She finally left.Now he could get back to work,or could he?
A small woman opens the door.She is wearing thick brown glasses and she speaks in a agrresive manner.Clearly she is not having a good day.
-„John,Miss Nancy came.She is waiting for you in the hall.“
„Not a moment to rest.“-He thought.
He walked to the hall to find Nancy sitting with her look down on the floor.He nodded in a polite manner and sat in the comfortable chair eyeing her up and down.She was clearly suffering from insomnia.
She was one of those usual clients,the ones who try to seek truth about something.About a son who ran away or about a strange death of some cousin.It's always those things that we cannot change,and accept.It's always the cause.We think that if we knew the reason why,that death will get a meaning.Which is not the truth of course.-John thought while looking at Nancy.
-„John did you hear me?“
-„Sorry miss,I wandered for a second there.“
-„I said I didn't change my mind.I want you to find the person who killed my friend Hana Owens.“
-„We did the usual thing already miss Nancy.I have read the police files.You see it's impossible to find out the movement of Doris Owens in the night of the crime.There are no whitnesses,no clues to track.You said yourself you didn't know the private life of your friend.“
-„Are you backing down on me!?“
-„No,i just want you to know know one thing.I believe in this case the police did anything that could've been done.To find the killer of your friend is a desperate move.“
-„Then allow me to honest with you also.I want to explain something and it's not easy.“
-„Go ahead,give it a try.“
-„Well,Doris and me were friends in high school.We were never separeted.We liked the same ice creams,same guys,same singers.We were togheter on vacations too.When we were done with high school Doris went to college.In the meantime I went to some company and I married the boss there.Moved to another hood.But we remained friends.Odd isn't it.You love a person,you share so much with her,and after some time you meet her on the street and you act like she is a stranger,like you don't know her.I...“
She started to cry and John took his tissue out to her.
-„Here,take this.“
-„Sorry,I...Just wanted to explain..“
-„I think I understand you,but there was no reason to explain it all to me.I said I will take the case and that's what Iwill do.It's my job.“
-„So you will investigate her death?“
-„That's what I said.I'm taking the case miss Nancy.“
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Canary word: Present
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*whew* That's a bit easier on the eyes there and much easier to review. Thankies!
Okay, review time.
This story reminded me a bit of The New York Trilogy by Paul Auster for some reason. It just hit me as so otherworldly and tenuous.This bit especially was awesome:
Seriously, I just loved the mood this gave off. Very nice.
Two things I noticed that you did throughout the entire thing:
- The spacing seems to be wonky here. Within sentences it is fine, but after punctuation, it seems to be crammed together, like the space didn't get inserted. Formatting error?
- Why exactly is there a little dash mark in front of your dialogue? Another formatting thing? The quotation marks already let us know that it is dialogue, so the little dash isn't necessary to set it apart.
Both of these things don't have much to do with the story itself, but they make it very difficult to read, since they are a bit distracting (and the cramming of the text tripped me up frequently).
The dialogue itself seems a bit... off. Most of the time it's fine, but then it just turns too perfect, like the characters are grammarians or something. This article has some great advice about writing natural-sounding dialogue. Basically, people don't always speak perfectly and so their dialogue doesn't always have to be perfect.
I liked this. I'd really suggest seeing what you can do about the formatting stuff I mentioned above to make this a bit more readable, but I did like this. I'm looking forward to reading more.
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling
There!
Hope you will enjoy it!
Updated to only Parts 1-5
Omigoodness, but this is one huge entry. It's really hard to read and review something this big, so I would suggest reposting this in parts. You already have it divided up, just post each piece as a separate part (ex. "Eyes of a Stranger, part 1", etc.) It makes it so much easier on the reader/reviewer. It's perfectly fine to break the big story into more edible pieces, especially on the computer.
Let me know if you post it a bit more broken up and I will be more than happy to come back and review! It's just too massive to tackle right now.
Peace out,
~GryphonFledgling