Little Atchi, as his parents called him, stared out the SmartWindow.
Below him, a world bloomed; clouds and landmasses dotting its blue surface like bacteria in his class petri dishes.
Beside Little Atchi, there were hundreds of others – children from his class, teachers, parents, the crew. Everyone had been glued to the windows for hours, as the ship came braked itself into a slow orbit around Svarg-A. Taffy, one of the older girls, gave an excited cry and shouted “look!”.
Everyone turned, and stared where she pointed. There was a soft glow in the atmosphere as the first pods broke through. There was a loud cheer, and someone shouted “We’ve done it!”. No one knew, at least none of the onlookers, if the pods survived. Atchi was shoved against the window, quite by accident, by the rush of even more people to the window. He hated the crowds, and the ship had been nothing but crowded. He hated crowd, the noise of people speaking, the sound of their breathing. It had all been too much over the past year.
He missed Earth. He didn’t want to die. Tears began to well in his eyes, and his heart began to pound.
“Come, Little Atchi,” said his mother’s voice, as her hand wrapped around his shoulder. He felt himself immediately calmed, for he, like many of the other children, did not much like the prospect of re-entry. He could not articulate why, he was a child after all, but he had nightmares of burning alive on some alien world. “Our pod is ready, baby,” his mother said again, and he turned around, breathing slowly. She was in her re-entry suit, and held his in her hand. She was smiling at him warmly.
“It’ll be over before you know it, I promise!”
“Okay, ma,” the boy conceded. The fear had begun to melt away.
The inside of the pod was cramped. It was about the size of his parent’s bedroom, and a dozen people had been crammed in there.
It was difficult to get into the seats. They were arranged in rows, and it reminded him of his school bus back on Earth. Those, seats, though didn’t have such complicated belts and buckles, and nor were they so cramped.
By the time everyone had taken their place, the pod’s cramped space was filled with the stench of sweat.
“Ma,” Atchi tried to get his mother’s attention, but she was fiddling with her belt. “Da?” he turned to his father, who looked at him with another reassuring smile. His father ran a hand through Atchi’s hair, and asked, “Yes, buddy?”
“I’m scared, Da,” Atchi admitted. He wanted to cry again.
His father leaned in close. “Want to hear a secret?” he asked. Atchi nodded. “We’re all scared,” he spoke with a twinkle in his eyes. “But we need to push through. Fear shouldn’t stop you from doing what you want. Do you want to stay on this ship forever? Comfortable and happy and pampered?”
Atchi thought for a moment. He was comfortable, despite the crowds. He was happy, with his family. Then, finally, he shook his head. “No, I want to run under a real sky! Like back home,” he said.
“Precisely!”
There was a loud clank, and a voice came over the pod’s PA. “Ladies and gentlemen… five minutes to release. Bon voyage and bon chance!”
“Remember, buddy. Fear shouldn’t stop you from anything at all!” His father kissed him on the forehead.
All Atchi could see out of the small windows was fire.
Streaks of fire, of pure heat, shot across the windows and he could see nothing. He could not see space, not air, not the ship – nothing! It was as though reality itself had caught on fire. Somewhere in the pod, he heard screaming. It was another child.
Terror swelled in his little heart. He could die, he thought in that moment, what difference would it make him? But his parents can’t die! Not ma! Not da! He tried to leap out of his seat, to hug his parents to either side of him, but alas! The belt and buckles were too complex.
Tears streamed down his face, and screams leapt from his mouth, as the fires outside grew redder and hotter.
Suddenly, he felt something. At first, he thought that that was the end and he nearly jumped out of his skin. But the hand held onto him tight. It was his mom, he realised, as he followed the hand to its source. She smiled reassuringly.
Atchi’s heart began to calm down. Everything was fine… everything was fine…
The fire outside died down, and he could see blue. The sky was bright blue; it was the brightest blue he had ever seen.
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hello!
I liked this text because even though it was short (well, it wasn't that short actually) it was really nice to read: it gave out a very warm feeling, especially when little Atchi talked about how he loved his parents, or how he was happy in the end.
This part was a little confusing for me. Words like "the crew," "the ship" and "orbit" made me wonder what was happening without giving me enough information to figure it out, and new words like "Svarg-A" and "Taffy" had me trying to remember them as well as trying to understand the setting. I was also still getting accustomed to "Little Atchi," so it was all a bit confusing. Later, I understood the setting, so it was ok because I didn't need to understand it right away, but maybe you could have spread out the new information and stuff?
Oooh this part is suspenseful! It also fits well with how little Atchi worries, because during the fall the reader has this quote in their subconscious and can better feel how the child is feeling. Great job! I might have added a "had" after "the pods", but that is just a detail and isn't very important
; )
Hmm what was that with the "He hated crowd"? I would not have used repetition on this specific spot, and if you still want to, I think that the "crowd" needs and "s" ^^ Also, if you want the repetition to be complete, you should add a "the" - and if you had not meant to use repetition, then I think that you should either find a synonym or remove the second "crowd" part completely, since it doesn't work very smoothly. (... I feel. But of course, you are the author, so you should do what you feel is best for your work: if you want to ignore this, please feel free to!)
This is a good part. Not for a very specific reason, but it starts to clear up the mystery a little without rushing it, and it adds to the feeling of feer from little Atchi. I quoted this to say that, if you want to change some things, this part doesn't need to be! It is well-writen and clear, the only reason for which it is a bit confusing is that the reader doesn't really know the context at that point. In fact, everything becomes clearer with the next part:
This is where it really starts to clear up, the above pieces were just preparing the reader, to not get a shock, which is important. If you suddenly write "And then a dragon roared and sparkled glitter as it came into the room, and a kid called Bob said hi to him and the dragon answered hi," this is shocking for the reader and completely breaks the flow. So what you did with hinting things like "ship" and "pod" was good, I just think that you should have streched it out a little more. But back to this part! This is where I thought, "Ah! So, they're humans trying to populate a new planet? And after their journey through space, they land in pods to 're-enter'? Aaaah" It became even clearer later. Of course maybe my theory isn't right, this is just what I understood! Also, I like your idea of writing this sci-fi, high-tech, new-discovery, adventury and spacy text in a child's point of view. It's really interesting and makes a text that should be all adrenaline-y and serious into a lovely, warm text based on a little child overcoming his fears. I think that's really original! Great job!
Awwwwww this is so cute!!!! I like how little Atchi really is just a child, after all, who needs his mother :3
cuteness overload. please try again in 3 seconds.
3, 2, 1...
I like that the father explains the moral indirectly to the reader, in a natural father-to-son way ^^
The word "swelled" along with "little heart" was a great choice here. You could have writen "he's scared." but it would have been plain and boring - instead you chose to make the reader feel the situation, showing how this is a child and the emotion of the child at the same time - terror is more specific than scared. Good job here again!
Yaaaaaaay he made it! I do think that this ending was a bit abrupt and rushed. These last sentences sound like a bit rushed, and the fact that it ends there is a bit abrupt. However, I think that if you made that last part less rushed it would be ok that it ends there, and if you made it end later it would be ok that it's rushed. It is just a theory, though.
Thank you for reading this review! Also thank you for posting this text, it was great ^^
Please keep on writing (and posting so I can read it too hehehehe) and have a wonderful day!
-HMMHhehe the potato
Thanks for reading! I'm glad you liked it. Yeah the repetition of "he hated crowds" is just an error. I'll nix that.
If you want to read the novelette this story is a spin-off of, read my short story "On the Edges"! You can find it in my account. Or here's a link: On The Edges - Part 1 (Completed Short Story)
Thank you!
Hey! I really liked this little piece of flash-fiction! I loved how you quickly introduce the context of the story and don't spend too much time explaining the world, as you focus on the character and what he's experiencing. The concept of families leaving Earth to colonize an alien world is interesting enough, but putting it in the perspective of Atchi made it even more heartwarming.
I really liked how you contrasted everybody's excitement about arriving on Svarg-A with Atchi's feelings of claustrophobia and terror about the re-entry. The fear was palpable and relatable, as you've portrayed it in a way that suggests Atchi doesn't even understand it himself. Having the conversation with his father about not letting fear stop you from doing something you want was a great touch, in my opinion. It's very fitting for the character and it's a message that I appreciate. The fear of re-entry is a great metaphor for fears that stop us from pursuing what we want, so seeing Atchi embrace that fear and overcome it by running under a real sky was very touching.
The re-entry sequence was probably my favorite part, with the fires outside the ship's windows creating the ominous tone and the sudden shift to the blue sky outside. Your portrayal of the mother comforting him by holding his hand and bringing him back from the panic was a great way to conclude the story.
The only things I wanted to point out are some minor issues with wording or grammar, such as "the ship came braked itself" or "those, seats," and think that the ending might have been a bit abrupt, as we didn't get to see Atchi experience his new environment. But overall, this is a great little piece of sci-fi drama about overcoming fears and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with family. I enjoyed this one! <3
Thanks! Glad you liked it
This is actually a kinda spin-off of another work of mine, "On the Edges" which I've also posted here. You don't need to read that AT ALL lol. But if you do, the tone is... Very different.
And yeah I'll take a look at the grammar when I edit for sure