Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Flies don't talk. But what is that clock doing?
Tapping Sounds
and
Strange Reading
Part One:
Timmy Shane, sixteen years to the first day, was hurried past the revolving door of childhood and through the hopeless door of adulthood. This is great, he thought.
It was Sunday, the summer of 1995 — not that it mattered. They were all the same. Summer is when time wastes into nothing. Meaning is lost, and the days are replaced with idle. You might ask a child: what is the difference between Monday and Tuesday? They would shake their head and run along. Timmy was once like that. Now he knew the answer. The difference is how long you can tolerate it. Today was his father’s answer to the same question.
It was the first day on the job. Playing it back in the chewing studio, ‘on the job’ had a dumb tune. ‘On the job’ sings exciting lyrics. ‘On the job’ explores the world and its people. ‘On the job’ has physical — male dominance — implications. This wasn't on the job. This was a bookstore — box size. It was a single cell in a multiple district prison. A cell filled with lots and lots of book. Timmy didn't care for reading. He added working to the same list.
But as he found out on the corridor between blissful and shit: you don’t get to choose. The manufactures, the same people who preach to you about living and freedom (be what you want to be) yeh, those people, they’re the ones who decide. The corridor had been a blur to Timmy. It was an ugly mesh of fading colour and wavy pictures. And when Timmy went through the door with the stinking handle, bang! he was beside the road and some lovely stranger had showered him from his shiny kid shoes all the way up to his sinking grin. He stood there, filthy, shivering and wet. Wondering what was next. Should he go left or right? Timmy didn't move.
Then his parents, with shrouded love, wrapped him with a warm blanket and his mother said, “Go left, Timmy,” and his father said, “She knows nothing, take a big right foot right, Timmy.” Timmy ignored them and started straight. Then a cackling wind shoved him to the right. One soggy shoe lifted. It came slowly down with squelchy weight. And Timmy went right. He’d been going right ever since. Strictly speaking, he didn't think the torn, watered yellow sign, ‘Great Reads’ was the right path.
Nevertheless, today was the first day and he was loathing the very drip of it. A round, white-faced clock was imprisoned on far wall opposite Timmy, above the entrance. Tap by tap, he heard the thudding mechanical tick of the clocks hands. They taunted time. Why is it so quiet? Peering over the desk, he gave the room a full circle. His head acted as a lighthouse searching for life in the dark sea, and for company. But his weak beams found only emptiness.
The other workers, whoever these robots were, or what they did, were as distant as the drone of life outside the shop at the end of the market. Shouldn't someone be cleaning, or shelving, or something? Is that not a job? Timmy didn't care. It was just that damn ticking. It was burrowing into his skin like a rude bug.
Then a fly entered through a window, barely ajar, to the left. That was the science and health section. The first visitor, with its tiny, prickled legs and its beady eyes, had come. Did the clock grin as the fly whizzed on through and overhead? Timmy heard the minute-hand shudder again. It was a rumbling tick, full of welcome.
“Welcome to the party.”
Timmy thought he heard something. A voice, but the room was empty; and flies don’t talk. Then the voice introduced itself again. The clock looked at Timmy and started talking.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Excellent piece. I thoroughly enjoyed this. You have a voice very much your own, a long way from the standard voice of commercial fiction and closer to the offbeat style you might see in cult authors, like William Burroughs, Chuck Palahniuk, Hunter S Thompson and so on. It's dreamlike and slightly inane (not in quality but in voice). Right from the style of POV writing alone you get a sense of Timmy's lack of sanity.
You had me right from the opener, with 'Flies don't talk. But what is that clock doing?
Tapping Sounds
and
Strange Reading'
Which is a great introduction to a great title.
The end too was really good - but I agree with another reviewer that 'the clock looked at jimmy and started talking' seemed to jump in too suddenly. Perhaps flesh that bit out, or leave the talking clock until a bit later. Despite Timmy's oddball state of mind, it just seemed to quick a leap in too short a paragraph.
A tiny mistake with 'A cell filled with lots and lots of book' - did you mean books? It's possible that "book" MIGHT work too, if that was what you wanted to write.
Any way, this is littered with brilliantly composed sentences. A couple of favourites: "It was a rumbling tick, full of welcome", and "A voice, but the room was empty; and flies don't talk." That last one alone is worthy of a top quality cult novel.
I look forward to reading more!
Okay, so I am going to give you my honest opinion about this story so far...it was fantastic. I find it extremely well-written and even thoroughly-written. Your choice of language is great and I after this review I shall immediately go read the second chapter to this piece. I really don't know what to critisise because it captivated me the whole way through. I understood the character and how he felt because your words spoke to me, leaped off the page even. You set the perfect tone for this work and I enjoyed the figurative language. Your words have such a great flow to them.
So excited to read the second part!
Thanks for the review! Ha, i feel pressured now as to not disappoint.
Well, this is certainly a wonderful piece of literary work! I love the dream/fantasy-like feel to it. As of now, I'm not entirely certain as to what this would be at the end, (I hope to read more of this) but it is definitely beautiful. I especially love the talking clock. What I don't get, though, is the corridor thing. I mean, at the beginning he was in a bookstore then a corridor. Please explain the corridor..anyway, like Bellator, I love all the metaphors and hidden meanings in the story.
As for the critique, this is it! There was absolutely nothing wrong with the story. It was so beautifully written and makes me want more. I love the cliffhanger at the ending, like, I didn't see it at all. Great job and I bid you good writings. Keep writing amazing works like these, I absolutely love them! Your writing is definitely unique.
KEEP WRITING!!1!
GrapeNerd
Ha, thanks for the review...again! The corridor was a sort of metaphor in his head. My idea of it was a visualisation of the change between being a happy kid, and then the rapid change and problems you face when becoming a teenager, stress, growing up etc... Hope that clears it it up
Wow, I'm intrigued! I love all of the metaphors and hidden meanings, and the almost dreamlike quality you've established here. The nice word choice really adds to the macabre, slightly satirical atmosphere. Your writing style is like none I've ever seen, and It's fantastic! I can't wait to read more!
Macabre, i like that! Thank you for taking the time to first read it, and then comment. I wasn't expecting such fast replies, so i'm very grateful. Ha, i'm quite satirical so i guess it comes through in my writing on its own. You're last two lines are fantastic for any writer to receive! Thanks again, and it's mostly done - in my head anyway- so it shouldn't be too long.
I thought this was an excellent start, it entrigued me and I read on until the end. You have great descriptive skills and I think that you utilized them well here. My favourite feature in your writing has to br the phrases you use though. The way you say things so casually, it's like you're completely comfortable with your work. As any good author should be. An example, "But as he found out on the corridor between blissful and shit: you don’t get to choose" That was really good, it had me laughing like a buffoon. I know it probably wasn't meant as a joke, but that's what made it funny. How casual it was, like I was just talking to you as opposed to reading one of your pieces.
It seems like a good idea for a book, that part in the end - "The clock looked at Timmy and started talking." - was a shocker, I really didn't expect it. I knew there was something with the clock as you kept mentioning it - very nicely, actually. I like your implication that the clock's hands were taunting time, it was clever, and another one of those nice little phrases I mentioned earlier. There was a lot of these in it, I think they really fitted in well with your style, and you should use them as much as you can. You're obviously quite capable of creating them.
But back to the end, I think that you sprung "The clock looked at Timmy and started talking." a bit too casually, there wasn't any build up. I can't decide if that made it better or worse, but it widened my eyes nevertheless.
Well done on the writing, I'm sorry I couldn't offer any helpful criticism but I couldn't find anything wrong with the story. It was like something you would pick straight off the rack in a book store. Nice one.
With regards,
TS
I honestly wasn't expecting such generous feedback, from both of you, so i'm not sure where to start. So i'll begin how the story started and talk from scratch.
I'm really pleased you like the phrases. I once read a quote, maybe from Stephen King but i'm not sure, it went something like this: If you restrict your writing because you're worried of what people or loved ones might think, then you shouldn't write. So i guess i live and write by that. That's partly the reason, but i mostly think its because of an obsession to not come across as cliche and normal. Thanks for noticing though!
I completely understand about the speed of the clock talking, but i was wary of babbling on (like now) and losing the readers interest, so i tried to, in a way, be blunt. It was supposed to be quick, but i'll work on that, thanks for picking it out.
The only important thing is that you finished it to the end, haha! But saying about the book store was an exciting shock! After all, that's what any writer aspires towards. Thank you for the great feedback.
Writing makes me talk a lot.