Chapter 1
Dawn creaked in to the too stuffed bedroom on the second floor of the smallest house on Woodward drive. I watched as the dappled sunlight moved across my bed and lit up the small curled up kitten on top of the crumpled up sheets. She meowed and rolled over so the light wasn’t in her face and continued on sleeping. To her this was just another lazy summer morning. I, on the other hand was sitting upright with my back against the wall staring wide eyed at anything that looked like it could move. The latest horror movie was on yesterday and I being a self-professed fearless individual had decided to watch it – in the middle of the day. I was an idiot and thought that since daylight will chase any bad thought from your head, anything watched during the day will have no effect on that nights dreams. Of course my puffy eyes and hurting neck now protests to yesterday’s movie choices. At least now with the light shining in the window I can finally get some sleep.
Almost imperceptibly a knock came from down stairs. At first I figured it was my imagination – after all, who would come visiting this early in the morning? With no new sounds I sighed and rolled over burrowing deeper into my sheets. The knock came again. This time it could not be mistaken for anything but somebody at the front door. I sat up blinking the weariness from my eyes. Surely my parent will get it? The knock came louder and this time my cat looked up at me in annoyance for the untimely interruption.
“You and me both,” I said to my cat, my voice cracking from disuse. I swung my feet over the bed and with a quick intake of breath hopped down and dashed to the door. At least nothing grabbed for my feet. I rushed down the stairs and stopped at the bottom step trying to get a look out the small square window at the top of the front door without the people outside noticing that someone was inside.
There was two people both looking very out of place in the quiet suburban complex. One was an older lady dresses all in pink tweed and a matching pink hat with white leather gloves. The other was a sedate middle age man dressed in a black suit and tie wearing sunglasses despite the sun being barely above the horizon.
I could hear my parents getting up in their bedroom on the main floor and with one more of the strangers knock I came down from the step and went to open the door.
“Yes?” I asked after cracking the door barely open. The two stared down at me as if they had been expecting to knock for another hour before someone came to answer. I closed my robe tightly around me realizing what a sight I was in my bright blue and green pajamas and red robe. If only I had rabbit slippers and my ridiculous look would be complete!
“Miss Emily, I assume?” The lady asked in a thick British accent. I gulped. Only two types of people said my name with a “miss” in front of it and that would be close family members and teachers and both used it when I was about to be reprimanded.
“Can I help you?” My mother stepped up behind me opening the door wider, my dad right behind her.
“Mrs. Callahan, it’s not what you can do for me, but what I can do for you. More specifically what I can do for Emily.” I was so surprised at being the subject of this odd conversation at the crack of dawn that all my fear that I had done something wrong went out the window.
My mother’s brow creased downward when she’s particularly puzzled about something and simply replied with an “Oh?”
“Emily recently took a test at her school to classify her in particular intelligences. The teachers were told it was a routine examination to judge how well they can adopt certain practices, however we were actually administering an entrance exam in to the Valinor School of Intelligence.” I looked at my parents to see if any of this made sense to them and a look of shock went over their face as the schools name came up. Were they thinking about shipping me off to summer camp? “Your daughter showed a high intelligence in multiple fields and we came to offer a full scholarship to attend our institution this coming fall.” The lady let out a breath as if she had practiced the whole trip over, who knows how long that was, and was finally glad to have finished. The man in the suit reached deep into his inside pocket and pulled out a thick envelope and handed it to my dad standing shocked in the door way.
When she saw that no one had anything to say and were quite shocked to think of any questions to ask, the lady continued to talk, “The uniform will be arriving in the mail shortly, we just wanted to make sure you heard it from us first before it arrived. You will have to secure a passport of Emily but other than that all tuition, room and board, and airfare are covered under the scholarship. The ticket will be with the uniform when it arrives. We’re glad to have your daughter join us in our prestigious school and can’t wait to see her then. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have a plain to catch and aren’t allowed to miss. Have a good summer Emily and we’ll see you later this year.” And with that they turned and left walking down the sidewalk and getting into a black Mercedes parked a little ways down the street.
“Is it just me or are those two whacks?” I said into the silence.
“Emily!” My mother chided. It broke the spell. My dad closed the door and my mother sat down heavily on the coach and started to talk to herself. “I can’t believe I have a daughter who got in… she got in.” With all my mom’s mumbling my dad shuffled into the room and sat down next to my mom and started to open the envelope.
“This should be the course list. You should have fun there, Em.” My dad said offhandedly to me still intent on whatever he was reading that came out of the thick envelope.
“Wait,” I said and they hardly paused, “You seriously aren’t thinking about shipping me off to who knows where and some foreign school with stuffy uniforms?”
My mom sighed. “Emily, this is Valinor, the school. It’s in Britain, not a third world country. Besides, you received a full scholarship. Not even my sister got that when she was offered to attend.”
I stared. This was a school they had heard about and yet never told me. Someone in the family had attended and no one had felt the need to tell me. I didn't even know my mother had a sister!
“But, what about my friends…?” I feebly protested as my world shook around me about things I never knew about my own flesh and blood.
“Oh, don’t worry about them. They’ll be happy for you. Besides, you’ll make lots of new friends at Valinor.” My mother was now reading over my father’s shoulder about the school grounds and intelligence categorizing. “Ooh, you qualified in more than one intelligences! No wonder you got a full scholarship.” Mother said to no one in particular despite it obviously was aimed toward me. What is going on around here?
“I don’t even remember the test that much.” I mumbled under my breath as my parents ‘ooh’ed and ‘aww’ed over the glossy pictures of my new home. My kitten rubbed her face against my leg and my heart broke as I realized I couldn’t bring her or the majority of my things with me. What’s the point of this school anyway?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I agree with DarkPandemonium. Though the story itself has been set up really well with interesting characters and settings, there are many noticeable mistakes that could easily be rectified with a quick read-through. The biggest one is probably the lack of commas, (I too love and most of the time overuse commas,) but I also noticed a few cliché's and contradictory phrases. For example; the British cliché. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of the British, and I do an excellent British accent, but it's a little bit of a stereotype to think that whenever a setting includes intelligence, British people must accompany that. Perhaps next time, branch out to a Canadian school? (See what I did there?) Also, it would appear that even though Dawn passed the test, she was automatically forced into going to this school. Why didn't she get a choice? I'd be pretty upset if someone upturned my entire life by sending me the uniform to a school an entire continent away, without even having the decency of telling me I could go! Those were my main two things. The British cliché and the lack of a choice to go to Valinor. Keep on writing these, as they could turn into something truly remarkable.
Hiya, Djinn! I'm Pan, and I'm here to cook up a review for you today.
I like the premise of this story. It's a good idea, and a school setting always allows for a wide range of characters and a well structured plot. It's a good framework to work with, providing you can use it to its full potential. Moreover, there's enough intrigue in this first chapter to rope the reader in, but not so much that it overwhelms you. There's just enough balance, which is a great way to start.
I am going to have to disagree with ol' Redbox275 on some counts, however, as I feel that the only thing that falls short in this chapter is the execution and writing. But that can be rectified - your prose will improve the more you write, and the key to an enjoyable story lies predominantly in enjoyable plots and characters, which I trust you already have. That's not to say writing isn't important, though, which is why I want to give you a couple of pointers.
The first sentence is very important, yes? You don't get a second chance at a first impression, so it's essential that you hook the reader on the very first line. At the moment, this one isn't doing that, and that's because it's a mouthful to read; say it aloud and you'll see what I mean. It needs to be more concise, so that it flows through the reader's mind without a hitch. Cut out a few words - you could use 'overcrowded' rather than 'too stuffed', and you don't necessarily have to mention that Emily's bedroom is on the second floor. We'll work that out when she goes downstairs.
Also, I don't think 'creaked' is the word you're looking for. Creaked = the noise my bed makes whenever I move an inch. Possibly you meant 'sneaked'.
Crikey, that's a lot of 'up's. You can afford to be a little bit more creative with your vocabulary, so as to keep sentences flowing and concise whilst also creating diversity. Let's imagine if that you wrote it like this:
'...illuminated the small, furled kitten
onatop the crumpledupsheets.'The lexis is a bit more exciting, right? Obviously, write it in your own way, because my style of writing is obviously different to yours, but you can see what I mean when I say that you mustn't be afraid to broaden your vocabulary.
This line is great, but watch out for missing commas. I'm a comma-adoring loser who probably uses more of them than is absolutely necessary, but you skimp on them rather a lot. This should be written as:
'The latest horror movie was on yesterday and I, being a self-professed fearless individual, had decided to watch it'
It's not always easy to tell where commas are needed (or not needed, in my case), but it can be helpful to read your writing aloud and see where the natural pauses occur as you say it. This isn't a foolproof method, but it can be used as a guideline. Try it out.
'Downstairs' is one word.
You need a question mark at the end of this sentence, rather than a full stop.
Reading the work aloud would expose issues like this; this sentence doesn't really make sense. I'd write it as:
'With a quick intake of breath, I swung my feet over the bed, hopped down and dashed to the door.'
And breathe! Read that aloud. Are you getting out of breath? If not, you clearly have lungs the size of oil drums, because this sentence suffers particularly badly from a lack of commas and excess of words. Try writing it something like this:
'I rushed down the stairs and stopped at the bottom step, trying to look through the window in the door without being seen by the people outside.'
It's like you've combined two sentences here, one being 'my mother's brow creases downward when she's particularly puzzled about something' and the other being 'my mother's brow creased downwards as she simply replied', and it doesn't make sense as a result. I'd suggest that you wrote it as:
'My mother's brow creased downwards, as it does when she's particularly puzzled, and she simply replied'
If this lady is British, she wouldn't be saying 'fall'; we call it 'autumn'. Just a teensy nitpick.
I think I'll cease the review here. My general advice to you would be this: proof read the hell out of your work and say it aloud as you do so, as this will help you sort out any awkward bits of phrasing and give you a way of gauging where commas are needed. This piece starts stronger than it ends, and I imagine that's because the latter section of the chapter hasn't been subject to as much editing. That won't do. Editing is everything, my friend, as boring as it is. You need to scrutinise every inch of your piece.
Hope I helped! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. I don't bite - not unless you have some pasta to offer me.
Keep writing!
~Pan
This is a fantastically written story! I admire the very well done descriptions and how it talently conveys the actions and look. Your vocabualry is very strong and had a vast range. The story seems interesting and I wonder what is goin to happen next. I can see so much potential of her making friends, enimes, and rivals and learning cool new things with the reader.
The only thing I might criticize is the paragraph cuts. They are not too long I just think that in some you can break them in two. In my opinion for example if someone's thoughts on what someone said might be in different paragraphs.
Thank you for your thoughts. I'm trying to aim it toward younger audiences but not talk down to them like some books I've come across. Do you think the vocabulary is too strong or just enough for them to learn new words without them having to try. That's how I learned a lot of word when I was in grade school but didn't even know it was from my books until other kids my age and in my class didn't know what they were. I was hoping to get something like that.
I think the when writing larger vocabulary for younger audience it is important for you to context clues. It might be a little too strong because there were a few wrods I didn't even know but maybe I need to broaden mine.