The girl had been the happiest girl you could imagine. She had a loving family, and her own style. Everyday she woke up with a purpose, dreaming of the future and all the possibilities. Nothing ever went wrong, and even if anything did, it was easy to shake off. Smiles, friends, and a million possibilities.
And then, a stab, right to the gut.
Very quickly, the girl lost her grasp on the happiness. She spent most of her time alone in the dark alley of her mind, only able to focus on their hateful words, and each memory brought another rip inside of her.
She would sit in her alley alone, afraid to say anything to anyone who happened to pass by, or to call out for help, and the number of wounds just continued to grow. Each stab in the back or foul comment made would bleed and sting, never seeming to heal, impossible to ignore.
The girl wanted so badly for the horrible pain to end, and numerous times she thought about forcing an end upon the pain, an end to everything. It seemed like the only way she would be able to escape the alley once and for all.
The girl never even realized that she wasn't alone. That hiding deeper in the alley were others, all unfortunately ignorant of each other. Everyone kept to their own shadow, hiding, afraid to say anything or call out. They all feared anyone finding out about their alley or the shadows, so they all continued on, completely unaware.
Finally, the girl dared to step out of her shadow. She saw the end of the alley and went towards it, passing countless others. Some of the ones she passed were so far gone, too overtaken by the demons of their minds, and some were already dead, sitting in the red pools of their depressing lives.
The girl reached the end of the tunnel and paused, but only for a second, before stepping out into the light, out of the alley. She began to remember what the light was like, and how it felt to believe in the future. She hurried away around the corner, not wanting to look back on the dark alley she had escaped from, although she would pause and look back every now and then.
She finished growing up in the light, but never would she forget the dark and lonely years she had spent in the darkness of the alley, or the deep stab teenage years had brought.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hi!
There are two parts in here that are very tell-y, if you get what I mean.
I want you to elaborate more fully. Not necessarily tell what happened per se, just what exactly you're talking about. She goes from having a perfect life to an abyss of depression. Well, I want to know why. A stab in the gut is very vague, in metaphorical terms. Even something like, "As she grew older, her friends grew crueler, her smiles grew fewer, and the possibilities dwindled off." I know that's also vague, but it hints to the problem; "her friends grew crueler." If gives a reason for her depression, rather than just saying her life's horrible now.
Also,
Why did she suddenly decide to step out of the shadows? Most of the piece is paced well, but these parts are rushed. Even if you only hint to the change, then we can come up with a reason for the change. But this way we're just like "wha....?"
I also think you can add more description, just elaborate on some parts. Even a sentence every few paragraphs, if done well, will really help the quality of this piece. Still, I really like this. *likes*
loveness, ultraviolet <3
Hello,
I am here to review your short story. I hope I am not to harsh because I just want you to be the best reader that you can be. This was an enjoyable piece I just wish that you would add lots more description, and to not tell us but to show us. On to your review:
The first sentence of your story should drawl readers in, and keep their attention. Maybe describe to us how happy she was instead of just telling us.
Usually, when you add something to the end of sentence with a conjunction it has something to do with each other. Her family and her style are two different things. How about making these two different sentences and adding a little description
Smiles, friends, and a million possiblities is not a sentence. It is a fragment, so I suggest that you add it to the end of the sentence before it with a conjunction (a comma then one of the following words: and, but, so, for, yet, or, nor)
This also is not a complete sentence. It is a fragment because there is no verb. Try to make it into a full sentence like this: Everything was going great until she got a stab right to the gut. (Not the best example but you get the idea right?)
I think you meant where. Plus this sentence is a little hard to read how bout rewording it like this: That hiding deeper in the alley was easy because, unfortunately, everyone was ignorant of eachother.
Why did she do this? What was her realization?
I would love to see some awesome description right here.
Why does she realized this so suddenly? You would think that after such a long time in a dark alley way that she would be afraid of the light or at least be hesitant.
Overall: This is an interesting view on a hard and cliche topic, bravo, but i would love to see you add description!
If you have any questions please write on my wall,
And have an awesome day,
Tiffany