Slayer (Chapter One)

I slammed the stake into its chest, watching as it fell limp against the ground. I made sure it was completely dead, and then yanked my stake out of its cold heart. I pulled out a cloth and cleaned the end. The body was already starting to decompose- it would only be a day before it was nothing more than a pile of bloody clothes. I went back out of the small house and to my car, then drove home like nothing had happened.

“Oh great...” I said to myself when I glanced down at myself at a red light. I was covered in the vampire’s blood. Hopefully I wouldn’t be pulled over by a cop because I was sure they would notice. I lived by myself, so I didn’t have to worry about parents or roommates. I never really enjoyed the fact that I lived by myself because the only reason that I did live by myself was that my family had been killed by a vampire.

Ever since then, I had been hunting them down and picking them off, one by one. Anytime I heard about something weird, or a missing kid or person, I did a little investigating myself. They were usually just regular kidnappers, but sometimes it would be a vampire.

Why have I chosen such a dangerous and not-very-fun way of life? One, because I need to avenge my family’s deaths, and that task isn’t really finished until every one of those dirty bloodsuckers is dead.

The other reason is because I know no one else will. For some reason, our society today has made these ruthless creatures out to be sweet and gorgeous teenagers that fight to keep their humanity, and often fit in with everyone else while society stays oblivious. These are all lies, of course.

Vampires are soulless monsters that drink human (not animal) blood and kill children without a second thought. Why we are welcoming these creatures into our society with open arms is beyond me, but I’ve decided to change it. They do not sparkle and do not come out during the daytime. People just don’t seem to understand the truth...

I had a quick shower, changed, then decided I would watch some TV. I had eaten right before going hunting, so I wasn’t hungry. I turned on the TV and watched for about an hour before going to bed.

The next morning, I awoke with a start. I scanned my bedroom quickly, sweat pouring from face, my hand sneaking under my mattress to where I had hidden a wooden stake, but there was no one there. I swore I had heard something, but it could have just been a bad dream that I didn’t remember. When you spend your evening life killing monsters, you tend to have a lot of those. I eased up my grip on the wood, then got up and did my usual morning activities. After brushing my hair a bit and using the washroom, I went down to the kitchen.

I put coffee on and some toast into the toaster, then went to the fridge for eggs and milk. I bent down behind the fridge door, setting the eggs and milk on the counter, then closed the door and turned around.

There was a man standing at the front door down the hallway, visible from where I was standing. My heart jumped into my throat and I fought to keep calm. He stood perfectly still, staring at me with emotionless eyes. I grabbed a knife off the counter beside me a held it up in a threatening way. He didn’t move.

“Who are you?” I asked, putting extra effort into not letting my voice crack. He still didn’t move, but he made a deep noise in his throat. He was pale, and when I focused on his eyes, I noticed that they were completely white. My suspicions were true- it was a vampire. That also meant that the knife I held in my hand was pretty much useless against it. The closest stake was in my hunting bag, sitting right beside the thing’s foot. The next closest was in my bedroom, and I knew that as soon as I tried to run for it, he would chase, and vampires were fast. Not as fast as those stupid books say, but still faster than the average human. I stood still and didn’t blink or look away.

The thing apparently became bored with waiting for a chase, so it instead lunged forward at me, and I stood there, shocked and weapon-less.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
EmmaJane
Review

Hiya! Welcome to YWS! This is a wonderful site to improve your writing and I hope you enjoy it on here. :smt003

This has plenty of potential, but to really see it at its best you should try to slow down and spend longer on certain areas. Using more description and dialogue is a fantastic way to take the pace down a notch or two. If done right, slowing it down will actually be far more riveting and amazing than a rushed "wait-until-I-get-to-the-good-bit". Well, that was the feel I got from this piece. You really just wanted to get to the dramatic ending, rather than taking the time to establish your main character.

What's your MC's name? Are they a boy or a girl? How old are they? Perhaps you could hint at their past rather then telling it outright, to create a mystery that makes us want to read on even more.

My other point: this is a little tell-y. Tr to show what's happening rather than blurting it out. For example:

I made sure it was completely dead, and then yanked my stake out of its cold heart.

It would give me a better image if you showed it.
With one last shudder, the thing relaxed into the grip of death. It was then that I yanked my stake...

This is just an example to show you.
The best question to ask yourself when you want to show rather than tell is "how?" How do I show that? In this case, how do I show that it's dead?

By the way, I love this part.
The other reason is because I know no one else will. For some reason, our society today has made these ruthless creatures out to be sweet and gorgeous teenagers that fight to keep their humanity, and often fit in with everyone else while society stays oblivious. These are all lies, of course.

Vampires are soulless monsters that drink human (not animal) blood and kill children without a second thought. Why we are welcoming these creatures into our society with open arms is beyond me, but I’ve decided to change it. They do not sparkle and do not come out during the daytime. People just don’t seem to understand the truth...


Thank you! (: This is what I like about your piece, how it differentiates from other vampire stories because of your MC's strong feelings towards vampires, rather than a character who's easily convinced vampires are alright. While you probably only have one book/series in mind :P this really does apply to the majority of vampire stories out there.

If you post more or have questions, please don't hesitate to PM me. I'd like to see where this is going and get more on your main character.

Hope this helps and please continue writing this!

(:

~EmmaJane~

User avatar
imaginemymind
Review

this is very interesting . its good, but sort of rushed. you need to slow it down and work on your details. it would make the story more intriguing and it would draw people in more. like for example, when she turns and sees the vamp. there, try to make it suspensful.add sounds or emotions to it to make people tense up. but seriously over all its really great. :)
- imaginemymind.!

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"I bent down behind the fridge door, setting the eggs and milk on the counter, then closed the door and turned around.

There was a man standing at the front door down the hallway, visible from where I was standing. "

TRY THIS INSTEAD.....
"I bent down feeling like i had a pair of eyes on me. But soon i shrugged it off. There was nothing here.I quietly set the eggs and cold milk on the counter. I suddenly dreaded turning around . What was wrong with me? Theres nothing in here. To asure myself that i was right i turned and quickly scanned the kitchen.My eyes looked around swiftly and nothing caught my attention , until i looked in the direction of the hallway. There stood a man perfectly motionless" (hope you like it! )
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