James and Emily continued to be really nice to me, and I was happy to, after only a week, be able to call them my friends. They showed me around and introduced me to everyone. I was surprised to find that at this school there weren’t really any people who thought of themselves as above everyone else. Everyone was pretty much friends.
I tried to be friends with Victoria, but she acted really strange around me. One minute she would be smiling, but the next minute she’d be forcing the smile and using a bitter voice to talk to me. James said Victoria was always a little awkward when making new friends and not to worry about it, but I couldn’t help but worry. Every time I got too close to her, my head would tell me that I wanted to get even closer, but every nerve in my body would be telling me to run.
__________________________________________________________________
“How’s the new school?” My mom asked. We were in the middle of getting the living room set up, but it was just me and her. My dad was out at his new job, and I had no siblings.
“It isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Everyone is really nice there.” We finished moving the sofa into place. My mom stood up straight and stretched her back.
“See, I told you not worry. Now, let’s go get the paintings from the garage and this room will be finished.”
My mom was an artist, so there were a lot of paintings to choose from. We took them all to the living room and held them up to the walls to figure out which ones were best. When we were done, I sat down on the sofa and my mom got some water for both of us, then came and sat beside me.
“So, you have lots of new friends?” She asked, flicking her short brown hair out of her face.
“Kind of. I was introduced to everyone, but I really only know two people.”
“That’s fine. Hey, maybe you should call one of them and maybe they can show you something cool in this city.”
“I would, but I don’t want to leave you here to do this all by yourself. We’ll finish setting up here, and when we’re done I’ll start hanging out with my friends.”
“Charles, with your dad working all the time, it could take another two weeks before we’re finished moving, if not more. I want you to go out and have a good time. Don’t worry about me.”
I nodded and stood up. Using my cell phone, I called the number James had given me. He answered on the second ring.
“Hello?”
“James?”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“Hey, it’s Charles.”
“Hey Charles! What’s up?”
“Not much. Hey, is it too late for me to join you in going to the mall today?”
“No, you can still come! Emily got a cold, though, so it will only be you, me, and Victoria. You don’t have to, though.”
“No, I want to, but I don’t know the buses so I’m not sure how I’m going to get there...”
“Don’t worry, if you give me your address, my mom can come and pick you up on the way to the mall.”
I told him my address, and he said he would be there in two hours. I tossed my cell phone onto the floor and looked around my new bedroom. I had two hours to kill, but nothing to do. My room was still pretty much empty, with only a mattress on the floor for me to sleep on. I decided that maybe I could get some stuff up to my room.
My mom helped me get my stuff upstairs, and we managed to finish putting together my bed before the doorbell rang. I shoved my wallet in my pocket and hurried to answer the door.
“Hey!” James said. “Ready to go?”
“Yup, just let me grab my sweater.” I put on my sweater and started to leave behind James.
“Have fun!” My mom called, right before the door closed. I followed James out to his mom’s car. The drive to the mall wasn’t very eventful. James introduced me to his mom and I told them a little about myself. James’s mom dropped us off at the mall and told us she’d pick us up in three hours.
We waited outside the main door for Victoria. James said that she took the bus, so she should be there soon. We only had to wait five minutes before she showed up. We went inside, but Victoria stayed to James’s side and didn’t really acknowledge my existence.
James showed me his favorite store, and then Victoria dragged us into a make-up store. She asked us for our opinion on different colours, and suddenly she was being nice to me again. James and I groaned as she held up another shade of pink eye-shadow.
“What do you think of this one?” She asked.
“I think,” James said. “That it looks exactly like every other pink you’ve shown us.”
“Not at all! This one is carnation, the last one was bubblegum, and the one before that was magenta. You guys are no help in choosing. I’ll just wait to buy some until Emily is here to give me her helpful input."
“You mean we stood in here telling you what we thought about different colours for ten minutes for us to just leave?”
“Yes.” Victoria smiled, pulling us out of the store.
“Fine. Why don’t we go grab something to eat from the food court?” James asked. As if on cue, my stomach growled. James smiled. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
The whole way to the food court, Victoria stayed close by my side, which made me feel extremely awkward. My nerves instantly went on edge, every noise or loud voice making me jump.
James and Victoria chatted while we ate, but I happily stayed quiet. I was kind regretting even coming, especially when I thought about my mom being at home trying to move the furniture alone.
“What kind of stores do you like?” Victoria asked me when we were finished eating.
I laughed nervously. “I don’t really go to malls a lot, so I don’t know. I just usually get my clothes from Wal-mart.”
“Well,” Victoria said, linking arms with me. “We’ll show you how wonderful malls can be.”
James linked arms with Victoria, and we skipped through the mall. I had to admit- it was pretty fun. Everyone stared at us, but I was having a good time with James and Victoria being the weird kids in the mall.
When James’s mom showed up to pick us up, I only had a T-shirt, but that was fine. I had had a lot of fun, and I even talked to Victoria a little.
I was about to climb into the car behind James, but Victoria grabbed my arm. I turned to look at her, but she was looking at James.
“Can I talk to Charles quickly before you go?”
“Sure. Take as long as you need.” James said, smiling. Victoria pulled me away from the car a turned to face me.
She stood, staring at the ground for a few seconds. She didn’t move or talk for a little while, but finally she sighed and spoke. “I’m no good at this, so I’ll just come right and say it. Do you want to go out with me?”
I was speechless. My mouth hung open, and I probably looked like an idiot. Suddenly all the awkwardness I had used to feel around Victoria came rushing back. Everything was happening too fast, and I had to make an even faster decision.
“Uh, I’m sorry, Victoria, but not now. Maybe we could try some other time, but we just became friends today. It would just be weird...”
Victoria’s face went bright red and she nodded. “Okay, I understand. See you later.” She walked away before I could say anything else. I went back to the car and got in.
“What was that about?” James asked.
“Uh...nothing. It was just nothing at all.”
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Grammar
OK, this has never happened before, but I think I just went through the entire piece without correcting your grammar once. I may have missed something, but if so it was obviously some minuscule little thing. Nice! Woohoo for you.
Characters
James:
Seems cool. More real. Not much more I can say. But nice.
Victoria:
Let me start off with "haha poor you." OK, now that I have that out of my system: She seems interesting. Half of the time she's all freaky alien person--OK, I admit it, I exaggerate SOMETIMES--and the other half she has a crush on Charles. Nice touch I must say. I definitely want to know more about her. I'm still hung up on what exactly she was doing in that closet. She's mysterious without seeming like she's trying too hard. Niceness--and Yes, niceness is a word. I think....
Charles:
We have a little more insight on is character. So far he's likeable. Always a good thing. He cares about his mother and about not sharing the workload of unpacking. H's friendly, wants to make friends, even with Victoria--a relationship I'm still itching to know more about. So far he's a good guy.
Names
OK, not in my usual evaluation but....
The thing is, you like pretty old fashioned names. Victoria, James, Charles--don't get me wrong, these are some of my favorite names. The thing is, we live in the 21st century. Yes, these names are fairly common, but they usually have nicknames. Victoria can be Vicky, James can be... yeah, not sure where I was going with that one... Charles can be Charlie. I'm not saying they have to be like this all the time, but maybe in speech to make it more casual and realistic. I do really love those names though.
Description
Yes, it's here. The dreaded "show, not tell" advice. You tend to tell a lot more than show. You said he put on a sweater--what did it look like? You said he picked out a painting for the living room--what color was it, what pattern? Same goes for everything else. I'm not saying that you have to give every minuscule little detail, but showing most of the time will really make all of the difference. There are some really good threads giving advice on this at YWS. Look them up. And don't feel bad; I'm pretty sure there's not a single writer on here that hasn't received that advice. I've gotten more than once, I'll tell you.
Anyways, keep writing! Hope I helped.
loveness, ultraviolet