So, this is something I just started. It's kind of long, so I apologize. Tell me if you like it. If no one likes it, I'll stop writing the story. Simple as that.
I was pretty sure that moving to another country was the worst thing in the world. I had to leave behind my friends, house, and everything I had ever known. Leaving the place that I had lived in for all of my life was like leaving behind all my childhood memories.
I was definitely not looking forward to the new school. It was just another chance for me to see a gorgeous girl and embarrass myself in front of everyone. It was another chance for me to not have any friends.
My mom said she understood my frustration, but I was ninety-five percent sure that she didn’t. She claimed that her having to make new friends and leave everything behind was just as bad as it was for me, but it wasn’t. All she had to do was go to a local coffee shop or join a book club and she would find new friends. She wasn’t being forced to be in a place where there were hundreds of hormone-raging teenagers that only wanted to make others feel small.
I was attracted to the thin door by a strange noise coming from inside. I looked down the dim and unfamiliar hallway. I was lost, but I was pretty sure I knew that the lunchroom wasn’t down in this small underground hall. I was about to turn back the way I had come, but the noise started again. It sounded like someone dragging a stone against concrete. Then I heard a quiet voice speaking quickly, and I knew I couldn’t leave. Besides, if there was someone there, maybe they could help me find my way. I went up to the door and knocked softly. Immediately the noise and voice stopped.
Silence.
“Hello?” I called, “Can I open the door?”
Silence.
“Okay, I’m coming in.” I said as I put my hand on the doorknob. As I was turning it, the noise started again and I paused before pulling the door open. It was just a small janitor’s closet. Inside, there was a girl sitting on the floor, facing the wall. She was mumbling and scratching at the wall with unbelievably long finger nails.
“Excuse me? Could you help me find the lunch room?” I asked. The girl stopped scratching at the wall and turned to look at me, her long black hair falling away from her face. I gasped.
She was more than beautiful. She looked like a fallen angel. Her perfectly smooth, pale skin mixed nicely with her stunning black hair. Her body was a perfect hourglass shape, not too big but not too thin. She was also slightly built, and not just scrawny like all the other girls I had known.
But my awe melted away as I looked into her eyes. Her eyes were completely black with no colour or white. They were like endless pools of ink, although they seemed to stare into my soul. I stumbled backwards and hit the wall. Her gaze followed me, and she never moved a muscle.
“I-I’ll j-just find it o-on my own, th-thanks.” I mumbled quickly and hurried back down the hall. I didn’t look back, but when I was halfway down the hall, I heard the closet door slam shut and the sound of her scratching started again.
I eventually found the lunch room. There was an empty table, so I sat down by myself and set my food out. Looking around, I saw that everyone was divided into cliques. I had no one, and I was the only one who had no one since it was the middle of the school year. I tried to eat right away, but my mind went back to the scene in the closet. Something about her eyes had alarmed me and made me freak out. I was so lost in thought that I didn’t even notice the two people who had approached me until they were sitting down across from me.
It was a girl and a boy. The girl was tall, and her hair was a thousand different colours. It was teased at the back, and right away I put her in the scene category. Her eyes were heavily shadowed by black eye-liner, and she wore a bright Blood on the Dance Floor tank top. She had a studded belt and purple skinny jeans.
The guy was completely different. He was shorter than the girl and was the opposite of scene. He actually looked pretty preppy. He had short blonde hair and an earring in his right ear. He wore faded jeans and a tight, light-blue shirt. His smile was perfect.
“Hey.” He said, smiling at me. I smiled back, but didn’t say anything. I was really shy.
“What’s your name?” The girl asked me. Her smile was also pretty amazing, but I wasn’t interested in her that way.
“Charles.” I said quickly. “And yours?”
“I’m James, and this is Emily.” The guy responded. “We have another person that usually hangs out with us at lunch, but I don’t see her here anywhere. Maybe you can meet her some other time.” His voice was high, but not too high.
“So, where are you from?” Emily asked.
“L.A.” I replied.
“You left L.A. to come here? Are you crazy? This is Calgary! A really cold and messed up city. I would kill to even visit L.A. for a summer.” Emily stared off into space. James snapped in front of her face and she focused again.
“Sorry, she likes to ponder things in her mind and zones out a lot.” James smiled. “So, how do you like Canada so far?”
“Well, I only got here last week, and most of the time was spent unpacking, so I haven’t really had time to look around too much.”
“Oh, me, Victoria and James are going to the mall this weekend. You should totally come!” Emily said, leaning forward. Thinking about what she had said, she quickly added, “If you want to.”
“Uh, well, my family is still really busy getting set up, so I should probably help, but maybe some other time.” Emily nodded.
“Victoria is our other friend, just so you know.” James mentioned. His eyes widened as he looked over my shoulder. “Here’s Victoria now.” He waved to someone behind me. I turned and was shocked to find that Victoria was the girl from the closet, except for now her eyes were a nice and normal green colour.
She smiled at me, but it was obvious on her face that she didn’t remember me, which was weird because I had seen her only minutes before. She went up to the seat beside me and was about to sit down, but she suddenly stiffened and moved around the table and sat beside Emily.
“Who is this?” She asked, her eyes taking me in.
“This is Charles. He just moved here from L.A.” James replied. “He’s really cool. I think you’ll like him.”
“I’m sure I will.” She said, but she continued to stare at me, a troubled look coming to her face. She seemed to snap out of it and smiled at me.
“Welcome to the city, Charles.”
Her voice was icy and emotionless.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Looks like I'll be your reviewer this fine evening!
1. This is in no way long. It's not too short though, either. It's a nice length.
2. I like it. I'm intrigued. I so want to know more.
#FF0000 ">Red = Corrections
#0000BF ">Blue = Things I like
Bold = Comments
Characters
James:
Like I said, I LOVE(!) his name.
Emily:
Pretty much the same as James, 'cept for the name. Though Emily is my MC. Seems we have the same taste in names.
Victoria:
OK, she really interests me. I want to know more. Seriously. She seems intriguing. And the way you described her was nicely written, but be careful not to make her too perfect. Nobody likes someone too perfect.
Charles:
He seems cool so far. It's hard to make judgments so early on--and I'm saying that about what I said about the rest of them too. That's just the vibe I got, but they could turn out completely different and it wouldn't even be that surprising.
Grammar
This is pretty good. I found almost no errors. Mostly just the dialogue thing. When the dialogue tag is finishing the sentence (e.g. "I love you," she said.) you do it like that. With ending the sentence with a comma, and then the next word has a lower case unless it's a proper noun. But other than that your grammar is pretty amazing. Good job.
loveness, ultraviolet