Scratch- Chapter Five

Hello again, Dis! I regrettably haven't had the chance to read chapter four, but hopefully I can still be of help. I can't help but wonder, though, why you've posted this to YWS if you've lost interest in the story? Perhaps you still mean to edit what you do have? Anyway.

Check out Demeter's article on Dialogue Punctuation. You have multiple issues with this throughout, so I figure it'll be simpler for you to read that than for me to point them all out.

I believed every word Victoria said. She had no proof, and there was no reason to believe her, but I did.

Hmm. Not good enough of an explanation, I'm afraid. He's willing to accept, immediately and without proof, that Victoria is an angel, even though she's slicing at him with a knife? That doesn't seem like very angelic behavior. And he's willing to believe that he's, basically, the incarnation of pure evil? No one likes to think they're the bad guy. Charles is being called a demon, and...he seems okay with it. Okay with dying. Way too "okay" for the situation.

I stood again, and when Victoria’s foot shot out, I was ready. I easily batted it away and stood my ground. Victoria gave me a slightly surprised look. “Impressive,” She said, “but you’ll still never hurt me.”

He's hardly reacted to the way Victoria is playing his emotions. She said that he loves her-- is it true? Does his face flush, her heart stammer? He's not reacting enough. This is some heavy stuff she's telling him, but he doesn't seem to notice. He also doesn't even seem disappointed that Victoria says she doesn't love him.

Overall

So, I realize that you grew tired of this story and wanted to hurry up to finish it all, but by posting it you've suggested that you're still looking to improve it. And so I'll be honest: this was rushed. You're stuffing this chapter to the brim with information and conclusions, going from one emotion to another in the blink of an eye. Victoria doesn't even seem like the same person here-- her anger and blood-lust transforms her into someone unrecognizable. And, even though I haven't read all the chapter up to here, you haven't adequately prepared us for this shift. Charles is too accepting, under-reacting to the madness she's suggesting.

The end is like a summary of what the second half of the book would contain: his coping with the truth. He has no qualms about killing Victoria, nor does he try to justify his actions to himself. He doesn't mention the fact that she was an angel and he's a demon towards the end, like it suddenly stopped mattering, although that was all that ever mattered. I'm not sure what I can suggest for this story, but in your future writing, give your characters enough time to come to terms with the end of their story and grow into the people they become. Otherwise it's rushed and feels unfinished.

Best of luck, keep writing, and PM me for anything!

~Evi