Experiment: Failure (Chapter Five)

Sorry for the delay on this chapter. I actually wrote it a while ago, but there was a family emergency and then a whole bunch of other stuff happened, but it's up now. I also know that this chapter is a bit longer (just a bit!), so sorry to those people who just like reading short stuff. Thanks for your patience! ^_^

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Emily had actually found out a lot about the vampires, although I wasn’t sure how. She told me she got it from “sources,” and it was obvious she didn’t want to say more, so I didn’t ask. One of her biggest discoveries was a complete list of every ingredient included in the injection. Most of the things on the list had complicated and unfamiliar names, but I did recognize one thing, and it explained a lot.

The injection included a large amount of DNA from a diaemus youngi, more commonly known as a white-winged vampire bat. It was where the vampires got their nocturnal habits, and could have very possibly been the cause of the bloodlust, among other things.

Emily was smart. She was a very weird girl, but smart. She had used information she already knew to make good guesses about the vampires. She had even read some of the vampire classics, like Dracula, to get ideas on possibilities. There were things she was unsure of, such as holy water and garlic, but based on the vampire’s reaction to crosses, holy water didn’t seem so unbelievable.

The vampires were getting a new strategy, it seemed. They no longer hunted alone. Every attack now was done by a group of vampires, and usually targeted two or more humans. This was proving to be more effective, and although the number of attacks was lowering, the human death rate was on the rise.

A few days after us talking in the park, I went to Emily’s house and she showed me more of what she had done. When she finished showing me that the vampire brain was a lot like ours, I realized that I hadn’t told her about hearing Bailey on the phone yet.

“So, uh, Emily. You remember that night when we met? And how by the time we went home it was starting to get dark?”

“Yes.”

“Well, on my way home, I kind of ran into my vampire girlfriend, and overheard her on the phone...”

Bailey turned suddenly. “And why have you not told me about this already? Okay, tell me everything you heard- just let me get something to write it down in.” She grabbed her notebook and flipped to a new page, grabbing a pencil off her desk. “Tell me everything you heard. Don’t leave anything out.”

“Well, she was talking to someone angrily,” I closed my eyes, trying hard to remember, “She wanted to talk to someone named Andrew. Whatever she had to say was really important to her, and the Andrew guy seemed pretty important himself.”

Emily nodded, scribbling madly in her notebook. “Yes, yes, that’s good. Angry, important, Andrew...” She continued to mumble random words that had been in my story until she finished writing it down, when she looked up at me. “Did you hear the name of the vampire she was talking to? It would be important to know as many vampires as we can.”

“She did say his name; just give me a second to remember.” I closed my eyes again, letting that night come back. I felt the pain of seeing Bailey again, but I tried my best to push it aside. I needed to remember the name she had used, and the pain wasn’t going to help. “The guy she was talking to was named Josh.”

Emily’s pencil stopped writing, and I saw her face pale. Her hand gripped the pencil tighter. She looked up at me. “Are you sure that was his name?” Her voice was strained.

“I’m one hundred percent sure. Why? Emily, who’s Josh?”

She looked down at the paper, then back to me. “Josh was my brother.”

I let my breath out. “Was? Wouldn’t he still be?”

Emily stood up. “No. He was my brother. He lost his soul, though, and now he’s nothing more than a monster. An enemy. It’s like when you said that you saw your vampire girlfriend. Matt, you saw you’re vampire ex-girlfriend. You can’t have a soulless beast as a girlfriend.”

I shook my head. “Bailey still has a soul. There’s no way that she’s like them.” But I was uncertain if that was true. I remembered Bailey’s tone on the phone- the Bailey I knew would have never used that voice, not even when someone deserved it. She had obviously changed, but I didn’t know how much.

“Keep denying it,” Emily said, turning around. “It just makes it harder.” She looked back at the notebook, and I saw a tear in her eye. She wiped it away as it started slipping out and excused herself to the washroom. I sat on Emily’s bed, knowing how she must feel.

Emily’s house seemed to be completely silent, as her mom and dad were both out of town for business. From what I had heard, her parents weren’t exactly protective worrying parents, which made the fact that they had left her alone during a vampire outbreak a bit more believable.

Somewhere downstairs, glass smashed. I froze, listening intently. Emily came out of her bedroom’s attached bathroom, but she had obviously not heard it. When she noticed my expression, though, she stopped moving, too.

My hand slipped into my pocket, grabbing one of my regular knives. It was quiet except for the sound of footsteps climbing the stairs, heading towards Emily’s closed bedroom door. I stood ready, and handed Emily one of my other knives.

The footsteps stopped, and someone knocked on the door. That confused me. Why would a vampire knock? The door opened, revealing a boy who looked my age. His face was red, and he looked worried. I couldn’t tell if he was a vampire or not, so I stayed in a ready position. Emily, though, relaxed.

“Jeez, Adam, we thought you were a vampire!”

“Sorry,” Adam said, “and by the way, I accidently dropped one of your glasses downstairs. But I’ll clean it up!”

I put my knife back in my pocket and took back the one I had given Emily. “Who’s this?” I asked.

“Did I not tell you about Adam? Oh, sorry. Adam is helping us. He was busy for the last few days, but I guess he isn’t now. And you,” She turned to Adam, “Do you mind calling first, or at least ringing the doorbell? Matt was about ready to chop your head off!”

Instead of replying to her, Adam looked at me. “Matt, hey? And what’s he doing here?”

“He’s helping.”

“I see.” Adam flipped a piece of long blonde hair out of his eyes and stared at me, followed by an awkward silence where Adam and I just stood staring at each other. I took an immediate dislike to him, although I wasn’t sure why.

“Oh, maybe you should get going, Matt. Curfew starts soon.”

“What about him?” I nodded towards Adam.

“He’s staying with me.”

Adam gave me an evil grin. I pulled my shoes back on and followed Emily out the door, pausing beside Adam just long enough to whisper in his ear, “You better not hurt her.”

He smiled at me as if I amused him. “Don’t worry, I have to intent to hurt her.”

I closed the door behind me, leaving Adam alone. I caught up to Emily on the stairs. She was staring at her feet, her hands shoved in her pocket.

“Listen, I’m sorry about your brother.”

She shook her head. “It isn’t your fault, Matt. Just promise me that you won’t try talking to your ex-girlfriend if you see her. She’s dead- it’s just a demon possessing her body.”

I nodded just to make her happy, although I wasn’t exactly sure if what she had said was true. I stepped out of the front door and heard it lock behind me. The sun was already disappearing in the distance, so I set my pace quite quick.

I was starting to be familiar with the route back to my house from Emily’s. I knew the trees, the houses, and even a few of the people. But that night the street felt different. There were no birds chirping their last few notes for the day, no squirrels running across the street, hoping not to get caught in traffic. There were no people outside- not even any cars. No signs of life. I pulled my coat tighter around me and kept walking, speeding up just a bit more.

I heard gravel on the street crunch ahead of me and jumped behind a tree. I froze, hearing her voice, hoping it wasn’t true.

“I don’t give a damn whose fault it was. Our home almost got revealed, and it sure as hell wasn’t my fault. You know what, Andrew? I don’t even care anymore. Just make sure no one finds out about the uprising.”

I listened closer, trying to ignore the tightening in my stomach from hearing Bailey’s voice again. She hushed her voice, and I pressed myself harder against the tree, trying my hardest to hear.

“...Yeah? And what if a human found out? It could ruin everything. Everything we’ve worked for, Andrew. It could be the end of us.”

I rock slipped out from under my foot and I slid to the ground, grabbing Bailey’s attention. She hung up and started in my direction. I swore and pushed myself from the ground, looking around for some sort of shelter. But there was none. Bailey rounded the tree and stopped when she saw me, shock clear on her face.

“Matt...”

“Bailey!” I said, trying my best to look like I wasn’t freaking out.

Her face twisted into a frown. “You left me there. You had the chance to kill me. I knew you were there. But you didn’t.” Her face changed to a smile. “But no matter. Your stupidity is the fall of the human race. Everything that will happen was my idea, which kind of makes it your fault. And don’t look so surprised. I know you heard me on the phone.”

I pulled a knife out. “Bailey, I don’t want to have to hurt you. Just back off. And stop doing whatever it is that you’re planning.”

She looked at the knife. “What are you going to do to me, Matt? You wouldn’t be able to give me a paper cut. How do you plan to kill me? You can’t. I know you, Matt. You’re scared to kill me. But I’m not scared to kill you, especially since you know too much.”

She jumped at me and knocked the knife out of my hands easily. In a surprisingly small amount of time, Bailey had me pinned on my back, arms held tightly behind my back. She leaned down and whispered in my ear.

“That’s right. I’m not a defenseless silly girl like the last time you saw me. I’m a big girl now. And I’m going to bite you, Matt, and then you can join me in the vampire life. We’ll rule together. You don’t understand right now. But you will. Everyone will understand eventually...”

With a big push, I managed to knock her off me, giving me a few seconds. We were in the shadow of a house, and I saw the last rays of sun on the road. I quickly put together a plan, one that I wasn’t completely sure would work. If she had bat DNA, then the sun should hurt her eyes, at the very least...

I walked backwards into the street, Bailey close behind. I got to the middle of the street and she came out after me, the sun against her back. She stopped and turned, looking up into the sun. She cried out and covered her eyes, stumbling backwards. I was already running.

“Matt!” I heard her scream, but I didn’t turn to look. I ran all the way home, but didn’t tell my parents. Again. If I told them about all my encounters, I wouldn’t be allowed outside the house.

I did realize, however, that by hearing what Emily had said and leaving her alive, I had been brought into it. I just needed to tell someone before it was too late. Too late as in a pack of vampires showing up on my doorstep.

I pulled out my cell phone and typed Emily’s number, cursing when it went to voicemail. I hung up and heard the doorbell ring downstairs. I ran as fast as I could, but I was too late. My mom was already there. She opened the door, revealing the person on the other side, and my heart sank deep into my stomach.

Comments & reviews · 2
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Hey there DD,

I'm Tanya, here for a review! First of all, I haven't read your other chapters so my opinion will be based solely on what I've read here, ok?

“Well, on my way home, I kind of ran into my vampire girlfriend, and overheard her on the phone...”
I have to wonder here about the usage of vampire. Didn't Emily already know that Bailey was a Vampire? If yes, it is unnecessary to mention it again to her; she knows. On the other hand, if she didn't, why doesn't she react to him having a vampire girlfriend?

Bailey turned suddenly. “And why have you not told me about this already?
I think you meant Emily.

“I see.” Adam flipped a piece of long blonde hair out of his eyes and stared at me, followed by an awkward silence where Adam and I just stood staring at each other. I took an immediate dislike to him, although I wasn’t sure why
the part in bold is awkwardly sentenced. You repeat stare twice, for one, but you should put a period after 'me' and restart a new sentence. Maybe simply say 'an awkward silence followed' or something. We already know they are staring at each other.
As for the second part, it would be nice to know why he takes a dislike but I'll speak about that more later on.

Don’t worry, I have to intent to hurt her.”
I think you meant 'no'. I also think that 'intention' would be better than 'intent' here, but I'm not 100% sure.

and pushed myself from the ground, looking around for some sort of shelter
You repeat 'ground' twice in the space of a few words. I would change it, possibly to something like 'pushed myself up'.

I know you, Matt. You’re scared to kill me. But I’m not scared to kill you,
I can't say for sure, because I haven't read the previous chapters, but I got the sense that Matt still loved Bailey. If that's the case, it's not that he would be afraid to kill her, more likely, he still loves her too much to kill her. At least, that's the impression I got. You could maybe have her sneer at that word, while Matt desperately looks for a sign of his girlfriend still inhabiting that body.

“That’s right. I’m not a defenseless silly girl like the last time you saw me. I’m a big girl now.

The par in bold is awkward. You have to keep in mind that short, powerful words go a long way to pake your story more powerful or poignant or whatever you need it to be. Maybe rephrase it to something like, "I'm not the defenseless silly girl you once knew."

With a big push, I managed to knock her off me, giving me a few seconds
I have issues with this. He fought with her, got smacked down anyway, but suddenly he can push her off? No way. Maybe say that while she was distracted, he saw an opportunity or something because this is just too convenient to make it realistic.

Too late as in a pack of vampires showing up on my doorstep.
Huh??? Did he know there was a pack? Did he look out his window? Or did he just assume? And how did Vampires assemble so fast? They are fast, but not that fast.

pulled out my cell phone and typed Emily’s number, cursing when it went to voicemail. I hung up and heard the doorbell ring downstairs
Again, issues here. If it is that important he let someone know, he should have left Emily a message. A quick, urgent one, with a desperate tone, then he screams out 'they're here!" when the doorbell rings or something. Make the tension go higher and higher, keep your reader's eyes glued to the screen.

Well, DD, that's it for the reviews. I hope this was helpful. This story is good and fast-paced, I really enjoyed it. What I would suggest you work on is your MC's five senses. What does he see? Smell? Touch? Feel? Hear? We know nothing. I understand that I'm several chapters late, but every chapter must have it's smells and sounds. Right now, I get the impression that they are all floating around in a bubble, not feeling anything. Is Matt's heart pumping as he runs down the stairs? Does it ache with guilt that he didn't kill Bailey and possibly doom humanity? What does she smell like? Vanilla, like before? Or a dumpster? How about his own house? Emily's?

Do you see where I'm going here. Same for the scene with Alex. What was it about the kid that Matt didn't like? A sneer on his lips, a coldness in his eye? The way he slicks back his hair? These are details that will draw your reading in, make them want to learn more, to smell what the MC smells, or feel the purr of the kitten he's patting. Get it?

Hope this helps, it's a great story and I can't wait to see where this is headed.
Thanks for letting me into your world,
Tanya :D



Think of all the beauty still left around you, and smile.
— Anne Frank