This was for a school assignment. It's kind of short, but that's because it could only be a page, double spaced. Basically I have strong feelings about how bad human nature is, and how we don't help those that we look down on. Enjoy.
He collapsed in the middle of the walkway, his already permanently damaged leg hitting the pavement with a sickening noise. The man, severely underweight from years of living on the streets, struggled to get a breath in. His body was a disaster. For the past year he had been having problems with his lungs, as well as sudden and harsh muscle and body fatigue. He had never had enough money to see a doctor, so he wasn’t positive what the problem was, but he suspected some kind of deficiency of a vitamin or mineral.
He tried to call out for help, but he was just barely hanging onto consciousness, and his words came out mumbled and slurred, as if he were drunk. Opening his eyes, he saw well-dressed business people pass by, only glancing at him shortly before quickly averting their gaze. The man tried to pick himself up, but he couldn’t even get near a sitting position before falling flat on his back again. The impact rocked his lungs, and he gasped for air, a loud and scratchy sound that was impossible not to notice. But still, no one stopped to help.
He didn’t even have enough strength to attempt speaking anymore, so he made his last prayers silently, hoping that God would still hear. Cold flooded inside of him, chilling him and causing his muscles to tense up painfully. He sucked in and clenched his teeth, hoping that it would all end soon and quickly.
Opening his eyes once more, the man found a boy, maybe thirteen years old, stop and look down at him. Panic filled the boy’s eyes, and he called to his mother, begging her to help the man, but she rushed her son away, saying something about “Just another stupid drunk.” The man closed his eyes tightly, consciousness finally letting go.
Police found the man’s body the next day.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hey!
I really like the idea behind this. I hate the attitudes people have toward the homeless, that they're all drunks and so on, and this is an effective way to challenge it - I can see some problems, though, that kind of take away from the overall impact.
The language is quite clinical at times - sort of detatched from the situation. I don't really get a glimpse into what this character's feeling, just what he's thinking. If that doesn't make sense, it's a show-don't-tell thing. There's so much that could be done to make this more personal - try writing it from his point of view, and then editing it to suit the third-person; try writing it in present tense, which gives a more immediate feel in some cases.
I'm sorry I can't be more helpful; Tenyo pretty much said it all. Well, I hope I did help to some level, at least. Let me know if there's anything more I can do.
~Grin
Aww
This is sad.
I understand the theme and idea, but you said this was only allowed to be a page double spaced right? So, it's like poetry in that you need to condence your ideas more so that you can fit it in to that small space. For example, you mention his lung problems, his bad leg, his starved body, so you don't really need to say that his body is a disaster, that's implied.
I don't really know what Canada is like for homeless people, so this may or may not be of relevence. Homeless people actually don't starve as much as one might think, since there are a lot of homeless shelters around offering food, and if that isn't enough there's plenty of pickings in bins behind restaurantes and things. Not a pretty thought, but any man with the will to live won't let himself starve while that kind of opportunity is around. Homeless people are more likely to die environmental conditions like hyperthermia, or strong viruses or illnesses that they don't have the opportunity to get treated for. If you want to have an effect with a piece like this you need to do a bit of research and make it as realistic as possible.
Hope this helps. Keep it up