"Hello?" I answer the phone. It was Brian. "Hey..." He said. It sounded like he was crying. This is not good. "Baby what's wrong?!" I was worried. He mumbled something while trying to speak, but he couldn't. "I'm coming over." I hung up and grabbed my car keys. I was just about to go to my brother's house. I guess I could head over there afterwards. I get there and Brian is on his porch with his head in his hands. I go up to him. "What's the matter??" I asked. He shook his head. "Jimmy's gone." I went into shock. No. This can't happen. "What do you mean he's gone?! He can't be! I was just about to go over to his house but you called." I was having a panic attack. My brother can't be dead. It just can't happen. "He's dead, Mae. He's not coming back." He said. I broke down in tears. Brian opens his arms. "Come here." He tells me. I sit on his lap and he wraps his strong arms around me. I sob into his chest. I just couldn't stop crying. "Mae.." He said, getting my attention. "Hm?" I said, tears still running down my face. "I think we should split up. Now's just not a time to be together..." He said. I get up. "Really?! Now, the time at which my brother and your best friend had just died?! You really think this is the best time?! You know what. Fuck you!" I yelled. I walk away and back to my car. I get in, slamming the door. I drive off back to my house.
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"Foreclosed?! What the fuck?!" Like anything else could get worse. It's been 3 years since my brother, Jimmy, died. Yes, I'm a Sullivan. Mae Sullivan to be exact. I was 25 when he died. I was also 25 when the love of my life, or so I thought, broke up with me. The rest of them blame me. They all say it's my fault. Brian lied to them to get the attention. I used to be friends with Avenged Sevenfold. Well.. Obviously not anymore. My house is being foreclosed. I got fired from my job, which was merch girl for Avenged Sevenfold. I go outside and sit on the porch. I get a text message. "Hey. We're going to visit Jimmy's grave. I can pick you up if you need me to." I didn't answer it. I just called Brian. I have to admit, I still love him, even after he broke my heart. For some reason, him and I are closest around this time specifically. So I call him and he answers. "Hello?" "Hey... Can you pick me up... I can't drive there myself." I told him. "Why not?" He asked, confused. "I sold my car. I ended up going into foreclosure today. I need a place to live.." I told him. I held in tears. "I'll come pick you up. I'm on my way actually. You're going to move in with me." He told me. He hung up as he pulled into my driveway. I got up, walking over to his car, getting in. "You okay?" He asked. I shook my head and just started crying. He rubbed my back and I calmed down a little. I looked at him and he wiped my tears. He pulled out of the driveway and headed to the cemetery. We got there and we walk up to his grave. The other 3 were there as well. I took my necklace off and set it down by the gravestone. "You sure you want to leave that there, Mae?" Matt asked me. I nodded. I just stood there, having flashbacks from when I first came here to see my own brother buried and every time I came after that. I still can't believe that he's gone. I break down in tears again and fall to my knees. Brian kneels down, hugging me tightly. He picks me up. He carries me to his car and sets me down in the front seat. I curl up and continue crying until I eventually fall asleep.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Well i got to say this almost made me cry cause im a serious Avenged Sevenfold fan and iwas broken hearted when he died and i cried for close to a week. But this was a really fast pace and really needs to be slowed down a lot to show more emotion and describe her feelings more than just that one thing explain her thoughts. Tells more about how Matt, Syn., And Jimmy felt and what they looked like during there. Also one more thing you should add the funeral in because that would make it more depressing and full of emotion. On the good hand I would totally love to give this a 9/10 just add more detail!
I agree with JohnLocke1, slow your pace down. I think you should maybe introduce both Mae, her brother, and Mae's boyfriend before this whole tragedy with Mae's brother happens. Maybe in a happy flashback or something. It would give the characters chemistry that the reader could grasp onto and become a little more attatched in order to feel some empathy.
Also, watch your tenses. I noticed you would move between past and present a lot. It is tricky to keep track of what tense you're writing in, but it will make it a lot more neat!
And lastly, I am unsure if writing in telegraphic (or short and stocky) sentences is your style, if it is then regard this. But if you changed up your sentence structure you could make the story a lot more appealing to read. Instead of "I broke down in tears. Brian opens his arms." you could say "I broke down in tears and Brian immediately opened his arms to me." It's more descriptive and gives a little more sense to what exactly is going on at that moment in time!
It is a good story so far and I am excited to see how it turns out
This was all too fast. You need to slow down and extend this piece. Introduce Mae better because your main character should always be the most developed character. After reading this, I feel no attachment to her. I felt as though most of this story was merely the moving of a plot line. Although telling the plot is important, you must slow down and give the reader detail. If the plot is all split in this first few paragraphs, your writing loses value. Slow down and be descriptive.
I believe that no human being, no matter how evil, is going to break up with someone the day that their brother dies. If you are going to use that piece of information in your plot, explain to the reader why Brian absolutely had to break up with Mae. Otherwise, that action will seem unbelievable and your readers will begin to see your writing as unreal.
If you are going to write in the present tense, stay in the present tense. There should not be any "is" or "am" when Mae is talking to herself or when she is telling her thoughts.
Her reaction to her brother's death was far too quick and unrealistic. Show us her emotion. Show us her world crashing down. Do not simply tell us these things are happening to her. Show us.
Overall, you need to slow your pace. Completely fast paced books often bore or overwhelm a reader. You have written about three years in two paragraphs. Try and extend. I am very interested to know what you come up with. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!