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Asteroids

by Dirtbag1437


A unique day! Like no other! Sitting in class and having such an easy choice; to look upon the apple of Adam’s fate or to listen in on the chatter of monkeys bewildering themselves on the usage of stone tools in a post-modern era. Ranting on about the new inventions and discoveries of the times, showing off their abilities like the animals they are, but not us. We are a different breed, we few who gave way to passion instead of cold cruel mathematical thinking. The pitiful, by-heart-studying muppets. How could they know the difference between a song and a poem, a chord, and sound! give them a bone and they will deduce the meaning behind its curvature and the intentions of its creator.

” The bone is curved 14 degrees to the left, the creator must have been a second-grade bone-man! Look at this femur, it has moss on it! This creator is superior!’

It is on such a day of bone detailing and calculating that we made a revolutionary breakthrough. Through the mist and smoke of the old university’s classroom, when I decided to, instead of listening to the mad talks of lesser creatures, turn my gaze towards the west and see behind the mirage of education. Those waves of the dark abyss had me crying out for more! How I longed to run my hands trough that wast sea, to smell the fragrance of her shampoo, oh how the never-ending stream of delight took me! The heart races as the eyes look, and my eyes drank their fill, the heart had beat its drum until it fell out of its socket. Bounced off tables and left shades of red, turning pale white as it fell. It didn’t’ matter that I had no heart, my eyes looked so much that I stopped breathing altogether. Why the need for air! when such curls are as abundant as grains in autumn! when the fabric of the universe seems to be thinning itself while being rubbed against my gaze.

Days passed, nay weeks passed. It became an institution to me, to look upon her head until the ring bellowed and the shift ended. To drink and want, the entire continent could have starved to death and I would give it no notice, for as long as I could look and shift no eye. Give the madman a torch and he will burn the world down. Give a lover someone to love and he will love til love runs dry! No more love for me, I have loved all love away, now what is left? Hearken! Bellow! Cry out against the end of the night! There is no end to love!

Such confidence filled me in those backseats of the rooms, the ramblings of my dear fellow near me were protruding in a drill-like manner, I feel that If my love had limits I might’ve heard him talk once in a while. I heard no words from him, even if his mouth never seemed to close.

Not until a month had gone by, than I realized the new, factual, doubtless truth; She had been disappearing from my eyes! how can such a thing be? I never let my gaze go down, always watchful! And yet the curls seemed to vanish from time to time. Mustering the strength of a thousand chatterers I pondered and calculated on what might be the cause of her vanishing. How can something so suddenly disappear? was my vision clouded and my reflexes dulled? Have the symptoms been showing themselves all this time?

Two burning fuming rock formations came crashing from the skies, two majestic meteorites hurled themselves at me, I stopped in my tracks. She had been looking at me too.


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5 Reviews

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Reviews: 5

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Thu Oct 19, 2023 2:08 pm
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Ayeesha says...



This is extremely good 👍



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Dirtbag1437 says...


Thanks
Any input?



Ayeesha says...


I'm really not so good at giving reviews. I'm sorry. But I'll be honest...it was really good



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Mon Jun 21, 2021 5:48 pm
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Wow, this is quite poetic.

I like your writing style, it's got a rather nice flair to it, and a slightly sassy elegance. I can't comment on why you decided to writ this because I don't know enough to, so I will keep my review strictly in accordance with structure and the basics.

One thing I noticed is that after exclamation marks, the following word doesn't begin with a capital letter. While I understand that you may have been seeking some kind of rhythm or poetic tone by doing this, I advise you not to. It feels oddly out of place.

instead of listening to the mad talks of lesser creatures,

Hmm. Well. I don't think you should refer to other humans as "lesser creatures," because I don't think being passionate automatically makes you better than them. Some people have a passion in poetry, music, and the arts; others find their passion in the cryptic embraces of mathematics and the sciences. One does not become better than the others simply because their interest in certain fields is not shared.

How I longed to run my hands trough that wast sea,

I think you mean vast sea?

Why the need for air! when such curls are as abundant as grains in autumn! when the fabric of the universe seems to be thinning itself while being rubbed against my gaze.

Lovely writing here, but this is an example of where you'll do better off without an exclamation mark. It just disrupts the flow of words.

I never let my gaze go down, always watchful!

Okayyyyy. I don't see this as romantic, I just see this as a bit creepy. Constantly, vigorously watching someone and falling in "love" because of how they look is just a little off.

Two burning fuming rock formations came crashing from the skies, two majestic meteorites hurled themselves at me, I stopped in my tracks. She had been looking at me too.

I didn't get the ending. I mean, the whole piece is named off a couple of slightly random lines...

But overall, this is still nice to read. Like I said, it has a beautiful poetic quality to it, which makes it pretty nice. I won't lie, though; the topic doesn't greatly impress me.

Have a good day!

~ Lee



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Dirtbag1437 says...


I was going for a vibe similar to when Franky is making his 'monster' and is entirely enveloped in his work. He is in love; doesn't use his head to think.

As for the 'creepy' bits, well; overly dramatized my encounter with a girl who had disproportionally huge eyes, hence asteroids.

As for the grammar and other issues. I will look more closely next time I post.

Thanks for the input.



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Mon Jun 21, 2021 5:42 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



This is great writing!

It is humorous, straight forward, and it aptly describes the state of mind when one experiences a crush for the first time. I liked the way the narrator viewed his classmates - I get the same feelings too when I look around my classroom sometimes and catch my classmates in all their 'dumb glory'. It was a great way to project humor into the story.

I like your writing style very much; it is dramatic and very funny and very very entertaining to read. I say you have got a talent there!

There are a few very insignificant errors I noticed, so I am going to point those out for you:

1. "How I longed to run my hands trough that wast sea....."

There are two typos here, 'trough' will be 'through' and 'wast' will be 'vast'.

2. "Give a lover someone to love and he will love til love runs dry!"

Typo - 'til' will be 'till'.

3. "Not until a month had gone by, than I realized the new, factual, doubtless truth;"

It could be just me, but I feel like there is some grammatical issue with this sentence. If you replace 'than' with 'when', I think, it will sound a lot better. Just my opinion though!

4. Also, when you put exclamation/question marks, you need to start a new sentence with the first letter in the upper case. There are several points in the essay where you continue writing in the lower case, and it kind of breaks the flow. Example,
"How can something so suddenly disappear? was my vision clouded and my reflexes dulled?"

This was really great, and I hope I was able to help with this review. Keep writing!



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Dirtbag1437 says...


Wrote it a while back, I thought had I double-checked for errors.

Feelsbadman.

As for the overuse of exclamations/lower cases, I think they made the entire text continuous as if someone is talking without breathing, just huffing it all out.

Thanks for the input, will adjust and correct some issues.



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48 Reviews

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Mon Jun 21, 2021 4:29 pm
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LilPWilly says...



😂😂
This is good writing bro



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Dirtbag1437 says...


Thank you



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21 Reviews

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Mon Jun 21, 2021 3:25 pm
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ArctiWolf says...



Elegant writing, sometimes describing things can be even more effective than dialogue. Keep it up!



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Dirtbag1437 says...


Thank you very much



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Mon Jun 21, 2021 1:10 pm
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CluelessJay says...



I usually don't read a passage and giggle, I enjoy your style of writing, quite unique and intriguing.



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Dirtbag1437 says...


Ty :)




I continue to be a reverse hipster, I only do things after they've ceased being cool
— BluesClues