Then something unexpected happens… I wake up. Hidden dragon is sitting next to my bed and he smiles broadly as I sit up.
“Shifter came up with that whole stupid plan without telling us that it was the plan; she kind of switched out the poisons we were going to use at her behest with anesthetics… We know the whole story now, and we can believe it because you went down without a fight…” he says awkwardly
“Wha?” I say still not believing that I’m alive.
“Everybody told us their story and we gathered that you probably were trying to convince Slash that you were killing them but we had to test you to make sure you really were as brave and loyal as we thought you were…” he says
“Thank you” I say tearing up “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
“We broke Stripess again but she’s thanking us this time” he yells out to the hall
The others ran in Ruby gargoyle crushes me in a hug, The Flash Ranger gives me a nod of approval (it’s true!) and Shifter just sits there beaming.
“I think you need a new one of these” Hidden dragon says handing me a communicator; this one has my name engraved in it…
“Does this mean I’m part of the team?” I say trying to catch my breath from Ruby gargoyle’s hug.
“If it is who you are, or want to be, then, yes…” Hidden dragon says
“Then I’m part of the team. I learned who I am and I am Stripess a member of the Alpha Crew no matter how hard anyone tries to keep me away” I say just before an alarm goes off; apparently some super villain had the gall to attack the city when the entire Alpha Crew was in town! I feel bad for the poor sucker since they probably have already been stopped by Stinger or maybe Eternal Thunder since everyone probably just wants to get back to their homes but can’t really leave when there are people in trouble.
“Slash got away by the way” The Flash Ranger says angrily as we bolt out of the room “Somebody with healing powers helped him out after you attacked him… They couldn’t really leave him there but…”
“That’s ok Ranger, there is no way on this planet that Slash can take down the entire Alpha Crew by himself… That’s my job!” I laugh and The Flash Ranger glares at me for giving him a nickname as we catch up with the others.
End?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey again Dingobabee,
I’m so glad that Stripess didn’t die! To be honest, as this part was so short I think you could have just posted it together with last part; still, I’ll review it separately now that I’ve read it.
There’s not as much to say about this part as there is about the others as it’s so short and I think that the main issue is again the punctuation/technical side of the piece. I also think you could probably easily rework this part into the past tense since that’s the tense the majority of the story was told in and to me, as a reader, it seemed that it best suited the tone.
As for the actual story of this part – this is quite a nice conclusion and I do like it. However, I really think that this could be expanded and explained quite a bit more. In this part I just suggest you add quite a bit more detail and make it as clear as possible exactly what happened.
There is one more major issue I want to bring up now, and that’s the issue of Shifter’s motives. Again, wasn’t she meant to be a villain? So why did she save Stripess? At least, I got the impression that she saved Stripess – but it seems odd that the Alpha Crew truly wanted to kill her. Most of this part really needs a little revising and clarifying, to be honest. It seems to me that Shifter developed a kind of affection for Stripess, but it needs a little more explaining so that the reader can grasp it a little more clearly.
One more thing -- the "end?" at the end definitely needs to go. It makes the reader feel uncertain and definitely doesn't satisfy them that this truly is the end. I guess what you mean by putting it there is that you're not certain that this really is the end. If you want to write more, it's up to you, but I certainly think this has a lot of grounds for expanding and continuing if it feels right.
All of that aside, I loved all three parts of the story – it’s very real and engaging and I felt as if I was right there with Stripess. The technical side could use a lot of editing but the tone of the story is great, and the pace is fast but comfortable. There are quite a few things you should consider when you edit this but overall, I think it’s great – keep writing! I’d love to read more of your work.
~MorningMist~