The new guy sat across the room from me. He looked lonely as if desperately needed someone to talk to. His dark hair covered his forehead, making him look mysterious. I couldn't help but feel so drawn to him and I had to know his name. After the bell rang I packed up my books and walked to his desk. He zipped his backback and looked up at me and smiled. "Hello Cara. Can I help you?" he asked. I gasped, how did he know my name? "I uhh.. I came to introduce myself. It's nice to meet you. "Lame" I thought, "stupid, stupid, stupid." He stood up and looked at me. His exotic gray eyes were frightening and beautiful, like the sea after a storm. He reached up and touched my face. I froze."Thats an interesting scar. Do you mind if you tell me what happened?" he asked. Immediately I looked away. No one can find out what happened and no one has ever asked me about it before. "Cara..." he said. "It's okay if you don't wanna tell me." "No" I said, cutting him off.. "It's nothing." "Cara, I know a scar like that is not nothing and I also know that it's tough dealing with your own problems." "...And how would you know?" I asked. He stepped closer and looked right at me with those intense gray eyes. "Because I know what it's like to not let go of something you truly care about." His stare was so overwhelming that I couldn't help but feel safe around him. I really wanted to tell him but I couldn't. "You don't know my whole story and my life is complicated." Still looking at me with those gray eyes he sighed."Maybe I know more about you than you think I do" he said. "I think I should go" he said as he picked up his backpack and started to walk away. "Wait" I called. He stopped in his tracks. "I never got your name." He turned around and grinned. "Zane" he replied and walked through the door into the darkness.
A few chapters were skipped so this one is like chapter 5. Here it goes:
It's been 3 days since I last saw Cara. I miss her. I miss the way she looked at me when she talked.. I miss her adorable and amazing laugh and the way her eyebrows scrunch together when she's worried. Here I am walking through the hallway thinking of Cara. I became an outcast ever since Cara disappeared and I've never felt so alone. I scanned the crowd looking for her hoping she was here today. My eyes fell onto her locker and I froze. She was there! Cara was unpacking her bag and pretended she didn't see me. I walked up to her increasing my pace as I went. Dropping my bag onto the floor I pushed her against the locker and looked right into her eyes. She froze in shock, "Zane, what are you doing?" "This." and I kissed her. My lips moved over hers until she finally responded by kissing me back. After which seemed like forever she stopped. She looked down and whispered "Why did you do that Zane?" "I love you and you're my girlfriend so I missed you." Cara picked up her bag.. "I can't be seeing you Zane. You need to understand." I didn't know what she meant but all I knew was that I wanted to be with her. "What is it Cara? What is it that you're not telling me? All I want is to be there for you. Why can't you see that?" "I do Zane!" she sobbed. "I can't be with you because I'm trying to protect you!" She whimpered and more tears poured down her beautiful face. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and hold her until she stopped crying. "I love you Zane" she said half crying... "Which is why I have to stay away from you." I stood there trying to decipher everything she had just said. "What are you protecting me from Cara?.." She looked at me with those sad green eyes and a final teardrop slid down her left cheek. "Me" she whispered, and with that she turned and ran... not looking back..
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Dilettante!
For example:
I like the dynamic between Zane and Cara. I do wish I could have seen that whole development, though. Let me know if you post any of the in-between chapters.
The main thing that strikes me is the dialogue. I had a little trouble deciphering which character was talking. You had tags on everything, but it all ran together. When you have a new character talking, separate it and let it have its own paragraph. They're selfish that way.
It might be a little easier for your audience (especially if they're a fast reader) to separate it out:
"Hello, Cara. Can I help you?" he asked. I gasped. How did he know my name?
"I, uhh... I came to introduce myself. It's nice to meet you." Lame, I thought, stupid, stupid, stupid.
I put the thoughts in italics (or tried to; we'll see how it shows up in the actual review). This is just a personal preference of mine, but since you also have a character's thoughts directly following her dialogue, it my be easier to differentiate between the two. It's entirely up to you, though. I've seen it both ways.
The only recurring grammatical thing I found was that you missed some commas before names. When a character directly addresses another, there's usually a comma before their name. ("What is it, Cara?" or "I do, Zane.") That also goes if the name comes first: "Cara, what is it?" etc.
This is a great start! I hope I've helped a little. Please keep working on this and let me know if you want me to look at it again any time.
Thanks for sharing with us! PM me if you have any questions or comments.
Happy writing!
-Sea-
Eek! I'm here for another review. First of all, I am SUPER confused about the change of character I've seen in Zane between these two sections. Like, in the first he's got all his wit about him, pulling out all the perfect lines (which, to be honest my friend, don't make him seem like a real person, so it makes this story hard to believe for that reason, too), but in the second part he's a whimpering puppy looking for a lost master, and Cara's suddenly got her arm around HIM, protecting him and telling him she's got to do this for his own good. It would seem more realistic if you cued us that Zane's just play-acting in the first part, that he's trying his hardest to seem perfect for his first impression on Cara, who he's really had a crush on since he saw, was just waiting for her to come up to him. That'd make him seem more in-character in the second part.
But I have to say I'm really irked by the mysterious "I can't take care of you because I have to take care of you because I'm dangerous" that reminds me -- sorry -- of Twilight and makes me think Cara's a vampire. This is fine for you to write as practice, but be aware of what's in the market, the parallels that people will draw, and realize that people don't want to read the same story over and over again by different people. Most people. So you want to find something original, something only YOU can write and offer to people who might one day be paying to buy your book.
Plus, why'd Cara go from being frightened to being so sure, to staying away so much? If she really liked Zane, she'd tell him what he wanted to know so he could protect himself, or at least I think she would. What's her rationalizing behind keeping it from him and what can YOU tell me that would make me believe that's a good choice? It's hard to keep reading if I think one of the character's a big jerk/dummy for not taking care of the person she supposedly digs~
Anyway, keep working. Push further, learn a lot, and good luck.
let me know if you have any questions!
Hi there Dilettante
Also, I hope you're enjoying the site and will have a look around at the other forums and some other people's work.
Just stopping by to have a look at your story here.
I'm wondering why you posted the beginning and then something from Chapter 5? I'd love to read from the beginning up until what happens there in Chapter 5 to get a real sense of these characters and what is going on, or are you not currently writing in order at the moment? (I do that a lot) Anyway, I think you should post more of this on YWS!
I'm interested to know why Cara feels she needs to protect Zane from herself and what she is hiding and I want to know about Cara's life and how Zane knew her name. So that's good, you're creating intrigue for the reader and presenting them with questions they want to be answered, which is a basic of storytelling.
One thing I think you should probably work on is pacing. When Cara meets Zane at the beginning it is all very fast. Zane reveals a lot of information all at once and it is hard to keep up with everything. Sometimes you have to be careful not to overwhelm the reader with information. This is hard sometimes because of course you want to get all the interesting story points out because you're excited about them as a writer. But sometimes it is best to drip feed the information in.
For example, I like the encounter between Cara and Zane in the beginning but I think it would be much more effective if Zane merely calls Cara by her name and then walks away to leave her, and the reader, wondering how he knows her name.
So just try to pace yourself and I think you'll have something even more interesting here.
And please continue to work on this more! I'd love to see more of the relationship between Cara and Zane, it is obviously very strong.
If you have any questions then feel free to PM me
Bex x
Thx Bex, I'll work on it soon. This really helped =D