All soldiers pledge fealty to their king,
They must fight like pawns, all for his glory,
But the cold monarch never does a thing,
Just watches from his life of luxury.
Peasants live like rats, in filth everywhere,
In a black sea of death they are drowning,
They beseech God's aid with pious prayer,
But high hopes are dashed by king's crowning.
I am the king, but I live in terror,
Like a servant to the nobles I rule,
I ensure that their power grows greater,
For should I fail, my end would be cruel.
Still, many souls must come before my life,
So I know I must end my subjects' strife.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there Dilbert64
This is Kostia and I will give you a short review on your poem.
I have a very specific taste in poetry so I will try to give you an objective feedback without being influence by what I like.
The truth is I don't have much to say here. Your structure is fine, however you missed some details regarding to the writing style. Since this is not written in a free verse style, I would suggest you to make the whole thing rhyme. For instance:
"I am the king, but I live in terror,
Like a servant to the nobles I rule,
I ensure that their power grows greater,
For should I fail, my end would be cruel."
here "terror" doesn't rhyme with "greater". I suggest you rephrase here.
Other than that you have done a great job with rhyming. Your imagery is great and the message is loud and clear. Good choice of wording.
Overall it is a decent poem. Well done!
Keep writing friend!
Best regards
Kostia
Hello!
I like the story you have in behind this piece. I'm honestly disappointed it was so short. I feel like this could be stretched out and provide a little more content, more sustenance to the skin and bones already here.
What I love is that it starts out with a general view of what the kingdom is like, and then halfway through, we're in the king's perspective (even though we technically were the whole time). It was a nice... pan over the kingdom that zeroes in on the main character, the king. It was well done. I like that effect. It actually works really well with the stark difference in tone from kingdom's perspective to king's perspective. It also makes the king himself seem wiser than the people think.
I glossed over this already, but I feel like there's more to share that can make this more impactful. Right now, it feels like it's just telling me the kingdom's broke and they blame the king, but the king already knows and is trying to fix things. So it feels like a jumble of miscommunication and that's it. I can almost predict the king dying to a riot or something a little more exciting. I think the piece would simply work better if there was more story to share.
Your description in the first half was wonderful. I like the imagery you used for the soldiers, the town, the people. You have a good sense of vocabulary that was exercised in the first half. The second half of the piece unfortunately did not live up to the first half's hype though. It was more tell than show and kind of just ended a piece with a desperate plea to the reader to sympathize with the king. Unforunately, I didn't really sympathize with the king. I see he is struggling somehow, but there's just not enough details for me to decide 'ah yes, the poor guy is misunderstood and trying his hardest for a happily ever after.'
A promising piece! It's such an excellent start. I really do love how you transition into the king's perspective. Simply expanding on this would really strengthen it. It's a narrative poem that can benefit from more narrative!
Well done, and keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!