goodbye

Ok, it's review time! So I found it make less sense at someplaces than others. First, I found it was a bit repetitive. Not that you actually repeated anything, just the sound. The feel behind it was good, great even, just the expressiveness of it wasn't up to par in my opinion. Yes, choppy sentences add passion and dramatics, but it could have been better. Best part is, it it could be so much better with the addition of just a few words!
Another thing that stood out to me was that you named the girl. I find in literature like this, it's almost better or more dramatic and heart wrenching when the characters are unnamed because it gives them a sense of impersonal breaking in the story.
This nit pick, I'm not even sure about myself, but I think it may be too straight forward when you say "slit her wrist." I think it may be better to make it more implied in the story.
Finally, my issue is with the last word. Happy. You can use much more sufficient and emotional words than happy, and this youth word is what the reader is left with after reading. You're a great writer, you can do better than happy in my opinion.
That's all! I'm a picky Paula when it comes to editing so I hope I'm not mean :S keep writing!

Your work has promise, but it is lacking a few things.

For one thing, it's cliche. Therefore, I'm not surprised about anything. He leaves and she cuts herself. Where's the originality?

Second, length. You could've made this so much longer. But you didn't, so now this lacks a lot of things that would have made it so much stronger.
- Details, for instance. Imagery. Where's the imagery? You do focus on their eyes, but "baby blue" and "green" eyes mean nothing to me. If you're going to color them, then at least compare them to something more that the common terms for colors. Compare them to jewels or the ocean or something that is "baby blue" and "green" but not exactly coming out and saying the color.
- Details again, but this time, not necessarily imagery. How about some information? Their names, for example. Or rather, his. Names have power, and so by knowing both of their names, the reader might build a stronger connection with the characters and actually emphasize with the dilemma, instead of sympathizing it.
- Include a reason. The big question that drives every story: Why? Why is he leaving? Why is he described as depressed, with his "depressed baby blue eyes"? Why is this happening? How can I connect to the story if I don't know why this is happening?

This goes by so fast, I can hardly keep up. You need to slow down and take each action one by one. Instead, we're jumping around and rushing to get through this instead of slowing down and reading each word carefully to absorb each detail.

Something that could strengthen your work would be dialogue. It drives any plot, and it also helps the reader see the character development, relationship, and personality. If these two were to actually talk and he explained why he was leaving her, then that would definitely be more interesting than him just leaving and her cutting herself. It gives us nothing to bond with, nothing to understand, and nothing to feel.

Speaking of feel, you could also do better with the emotion in this piece. He's left her. How does that make her feel? Her cutting doesn't show me anything. Her words, her actions, her tears, her thoughts. That shows me her emotions better than her self-harming does.

Overall, this does have potential, but it requires a lot of editing and revising before it can obtain it.

Ok, here's a quick review!

I thought this piece was great and worded perfectly. Just a few suggestions and questions:

At the beginning and for most of the story, you write Natalie as a "she." This is great but then halfway through the story you start saying "Natalie."
I get that you want the reader to know the her name and trust me, I do that too, but I don't think you wrote it properly. You kind of just plopped the name right in the middle. I would have smoothed that out.

In addition, you write that she's near her bed, which is obviously trying to tell the reader that she is in her room. But in the begging you wrote
"When she finally looked up from looking down at the ground, he had walked away from her."
- I was just confused because you wrote the word "ground" so that gave me the impression that these people were outside. But there are no beds outside.... I would switch the word "ground" to floor so that won't confuse future readers as it did for me.

Also, you wrote "she was to focused on him leaving. "
- you have a grammar mistake here. I think you meant to write *too* instead of "to." Not only that error but this sentence sounds weird, or at least to me. Also...slightly confusing... I would write this "she was too focused on the thought of him leaving" I can't pin down the mistake that makes the sentence sound strange but it's there.

You have another grammar error:
"she took in a deep breathe and slowly slit her wrist."
- I'm 99.99999 percent positive that the first letter of that sentence should be capitalized...

Last but not least, you have one tiny, little issue:
"While she watched the blood stain her polish white carpet she was finally happy."
- I'm pretty sure that a comma in between carpet and she would create the ultimate sentence.

Well that's all it is! Overall, (don't worry, I'm not grading you!)
Your writing was incredible and I hope to see more of your work!