Angel faced an intense challenge inside – she had to fight it, fight to keep her eyes wide open. She could not think of missing even a bit of what was fading away. Doubt filled her heart whether luck would ever smile again like that day did. Until that moment, she had felt no more than a caged bird trained to be only an attention seeker, tamed to be an entertainer. Yet the bird was desperate to be a singer over the ocean, into the wild, beyond the horizon. She wished she could have savored that momentous ecstasy every now and then for her entire life. The tress flashing past, light drizzles around, clouds rumbling distantly – all mumbled a deep whisper. Their melancholy echoed
“Let the journey halt for good, be not a guest
We adore thou, thou is the princess in our midst.”
But, Angel, an urban girl in her teens got into a war against something she wanted to hug forever. Gust of wind, diluted with sporadic splashes made her whimper, moan with sheer agony. She could no more leave the windows ajar. As time went on, the valley of vastness outside plunged into darkness. Her luxurious compartment got shadowed. Yet, time and again, her blank stare extended into the shower punctuated with forked lightning. She faced and accepted, the world that was once greeting her had loomed out as a barrier instead.
She was no more intrigued. Her cheeks glistened with tears, but nobody could even know. Nobody had known ever too. She admitted, life was destined to be like this. The train moved on, recurrently jerking her awake from the saddest fantasy; her breath continued, so did her lament…
“Hey, Angel, get up. It’s getting late, mate”, a recurring female voice interrupted, “A lot to do. We’ll explore the entire valley today”.
Angel got jostled, woke up with her face drenched. Raindrops were peeping through the windows rattling in the pleasant breeze. The scenario appeared nothing but perplexing. She could not help rushing to the balcony. Her eyes widened in awe. She had to get convinced. Across the green meadows, a train was running through. She could vaguely see past the window no three – a girl staring into the infinity, wet window glasses opened a little, trees chasing behind, and what not?
Angel never longed for Déjà vu, not in that way. Silently she wished the girl a world with freedom, a realm of relief that would never cease to exit.
What better could she have done?
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello. ^.^
Interesting little story you have hear. You language structure, and word usage are creative, and lyrical, but odd. It made me think of something beautiful that should be solid, but gives way beneath your fingers when you reach out for it. (like a bit of fire ash)
For instance, your first sentence.
"Angel faced an intense challenge inside – she had to fight it, fight to keep her eyes wide open."
This sentence has an odd form. Not only is "inside" slightly vague(within would be a better word choice), but her fighting "it"( a challenge) is an odd thing to say. People usually "face" a challenge, or tackle a challenge, or master a challenge. They don't normally fight a challenge. See what I mean?
Another thing, you say she is facing a challenge, but all I see is her struggle. She is a caged bird, yearning to be free and struggling to keep her eyes open(is she drowsy?) but you say she is facing a challenge and I never could figure out what that challenge was.
Struggle and challenge are a bit different. Now, a struggle can be challenging for sure, and a challenge can be a struggle, but a struggle is something you go through, a challenge is something you are actively overcoming. What is she overcoming? What problem is she solving? All I see is a struggle.
You say Luck has smiled on her, but how? What was it she found that is fading? What caused her momentous ecstasy?
I can guess. She is on a train, experiencing a rare moment of exhilarating freedom that she never wants to end, but I don't get that full picture without a lot of reading, and re-reading.
It was kinda like putting a puzzle together while sky diving.
You need to set up the setting of a girl sitting on a train a bit earlier so that we have a steady place to begin putting everything together. Understand?
"But, Angel, an urban girl in her teens got into a war against something she wanted to hug forever"
What was it she wanted to hug forever? Nature? The storm???
"Nobody had known ever too."
Nobody had ever known too, would be a bit better, but it's fine as is.
“Hey, Angel, get up. It’s getting late, mate”, a recurring female voice interrupted, “A lot to do. We’ll explore the entire valley today”.
Why is the female voice recurring?
When Angel wakes up on the balcony you need to be clear with your readers that she is not on the train anymore. It is not that they cannot make the reference themselves, I did, but there was a moment of confusion that "took me out of the story".
Overall, I really liked this. Angel was experiencing the life of another for a moment. It's a unique, and creative idea. The shame is everything is so vague. You leave a lot of questions to be asked, but not in a good way.
Good questions are ones that contribute to the story, that make your reader think. Most of the ones I encountered in your story took me out of it.
It was like being in a dream, always having to figure out where I am, and what is really happening.
A quick fix would be,
Mentioning that she is on the train nearer to the beginning.
Making it clear when she transitions to the balcony.
Fixing the first sentence.
Changing just those few things would make a BIG difference to your story.
Keep writing! This really is a lovely story. I love how lyrical your writing style is.It just needs a little more structure. ^.^
Keep writing! ^.^
Hi there,
Can't agree more than what you reviewed all the way up. I had to be farr more cautious about the starting sentence I have already reckoned from the reviews put ip earlier. However, the challenge was about the the stormy air and speedy drizzles against which she had to fight in order that she could keep her window open to enjoyy the open air and freedom of openness outside. He wanted to hug the freedom lurking behind the window, but the hazardous atmosphere made her deprived of that nice opportunity to a great extent.
Hoping to utilize every bit of your points in the coming days.
Diap here
Hey there - I read this and thought I'd go ahead and review it today.
The biggest thing I noticed was that it was hard to tell what was actually happening in this story. You have some pretty beautiful lyrical descriptions and such, but I had a hard time figuring out what was meant to be literal and what was meant to be figurative.
Similarly, you're very unclear exactly what this intense challenge is. You use very vague language to describe it, and you never go into detail as to how she wound up in this situation. The problem with that is that it's hard to sympathize with a main character when we have no idea how she ended up in that situation or what her problem actually is. We know she's an urban girl in her teens, but beyond that I'm having trouble even placing the time period - it could be anything from 1800s technology to present day.
This short story is filed under "Mystery," and it's perfectly okay to be mysterious, especially in a short story where there often isn't time to tell everything and the readers don't usually need/want to know everything either. But right now, you're giving us a little too little to go on, to the point that the ending line doesn't feel like the end of the story - more like the last line of a prologue to a book.
This use of old language is very intriguing. However, "thou" is synonymous with "you," so "is" should be either "are" or, preferably, "art" i.e. "thou art."
And that's all I've got for you! Good luck with this, and keep writing!
Hi there,
Thanx in deed for your valuable review work. I got your point entirely. However, actually intentionally i kept the main character in a world of mystery. But as u said, unfortunately the attempt hit in the wrong way rather. It got sumpathised.
Regarding the challenge thing, let me clarify the scenario a little bit, hope u will get it easily.
Angel in her that night's dream was a teen girl, urban living,she was burdened with so much busy ness in her life that freedom seemed too far a thing for her sometimes. But in reality,she got a lot of spare time, which got pictured eventually. with the spare time in hand she could go dor exploring country side with her friend, as u we saw after she had awaken. But the dream and the train through the meadow were in effect a sign that:
Angel herself miight be savoring the freedom,but there were others out there who could hardly have the chance just like Angel experienced in her dream.
Happy journey
Diap here
Hi Diap,
Your story definitely transported my mind to Angel's world. I love your style of writing. The way you describe situations and emotions is not only vivid but has an almost poetic ring to it. It engaged me and kept me panting for more. What an amazing piece!
Nevertheless, you got strike a balance between the poetic mystery and obvious descriptions. Otherwise your narration would be too abstract for your reader to fully appreciate the plot. And that's what I felt happened to your beautiful piece. I really didn't understand what really went down. Was the first part of the story in Angel's head while she slept before she 'got jostled and woke up with her face drenched?' And i had to read it twice to arrive to that conclusion. Anyway, I really believe that major events like those that determine the plot ought to be more clear, overt even.
There were also a few nitpicks I imagined it'd be best to point out:
Doubt filled her heart whether luck would ever smile again like that day did.
Shouldn't it be "like it did that day?"
Yet, time and again, her blank stare extended into the shower punctuated with forked lightning.
I think 'the shower' commonly alludes to the bathroom. 'the showers' would have made more sense.
We adore thou, thou is the princess in our midst.
I think it should be "We adore thee, thou art the princess in our midst"
Gust of wind, diluted with sporadic splashes made her whimper, moan with sheer agony.
It makes more sense punctuated like this "Gust of wind diluted with sporadic splashes made her whimper, moan with sheer agony. "
Raindrops were peeping through the windows rattling in the pleasant breeze.
Makes more sense with a comma between 'windows' and 'rattling'
Nobody had known ever too.
I think it should be 'Nobody had ever known too"
She could vaguely see past the window no three
Should this be 'window number three"?
I really enjoyed your work altogether! I hope you continue with your awesome writing.
Hi there,
First of all, thanks a lot for your precise as well precious remarks. Certainly these would be a guideline in my works ahead.
And regarding the mystery, yeah, the starting depicted the scenarios of tthe dream Angel was in. If I am still unclear, please let me know. I'll explain further
Diap here